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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

weed smoking DP and fed up me

115 replies

broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 20:03

DP has gone to his 'friend's house to smoke weed Sad Angry
Which means when he arrives we wont be having sex (as usual), or having a conversation and I can't hug him in bed because he will absolutely stink from his lungs out through to his mouth.

Last Night he got stoned with this friend too, I let this go but why does he have to go again tonight?

I was invited but its not my scene.

Tomorrow (our only day off together for a week) he will be flat/ tired/uninspired/lazy/grumpy.

Tonight he said to me do you mind if I go round Steve's tonight?
I was annoyed he asked me like I'm his mother or something but I said he can do as he wishes but eventually this will create a wedge between us and we will end up going our separate ways.

Before he left I said that I am going to uni, have lost a lot of weight am nourishing my life with positive people and healthy eating whereas he has left a teaching job to work in a minimum wage job, I told him that we will end up growing apart if he keeps making these choices, he told me that I am nasty and that I ruin all his nights out Sad

We went for dinner tonight because he was hungover from yesterdays antics he wasn't much company and moaned about how expensive the restaurant was, even though we were going halves on the meal, then when I attributed his flat feeling to his weed smoking yesterday, he told me I was being nasty, I told him it's just the law of cause and effect what goes up and all that, but he just thought I was blaming things and 'you can just feel flat randomly sometimes.'

Shit- every time he does this I resent him more and more.

Tonight he said I better hold on to this friend (the weed friend) because I dont have any others Confused

But he doesn't take up hobbies or do anything which socialises with others so he wont meet better friends if he spends all his spare time with gun toting druggies Angry

If you got through that- thank you I just needed to vent.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 06/09/2012 22:17

He eats eggs.
Lots of them.

joanofarchitrave · 06/09/2012 22:18

Hooray, you don't have children with this guy!

Leaving's only hard for half an hour a day or so.

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 22:18

I am 28,
I have never had such a lovely home before, it peaceful, airy, good size for me to have a nice study room all conducive to doing well at uni.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/09/2012 22:18

I suppose it's his unique variation on the more usual Nesquik-consuming stoner

pitiful

Chubfuddler · 06/09/2012 22:19

It's not worth it. Honestly it isn't. You can find another lovely home.

joanofarchitrave · 06/09/2012 22:19

Yes, but this lovely home contains a guy you can't even stand to be near because he stinks.

AnyFucker · 06/09/2012 22:19

OP, you can come and live in my garage

I swear it's a better environment for you than this fuckwit's airspace

Offred · 06/09/2012 22:22

So the landlord wants to move back/his son/niece's cat in and gives you notice and you have to move?

It is just a house. It sounds absolutely mental to stay with him because you like your rented house... Absolutely doolally!! Even without knowing about the egg thing...

Offred · 06/09/2012 22:23

Must be awful if AF is offering you her garage! Confused

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 22:23

Thanks its just so hard to think that a month ago we were having a lovely holiday happier than we've been in ages and now he is deeming himself absent from the relationship more often than not

OP posts:
Offred · 06/09/2012 22:24

But if you have had a long history posting you weren't happier than ever a month ago, he just stopped pissing you off quite so much for a very short time... While on holiday...

AnyFucker · 06/09/2012 22:25

happier than you were since, erm, your last thread where it was clear you should have left him already

and the one before that

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 22:25

Thats true offred I do enable his behaviour I suppose Im just massively attached to him and scared of withdrawing from our relationship.

OP posts:
ScottOfTheArseAntics · 06/09/2012 22:27

Oh Lordy I remember the egg guy thread. Your life coud be so much better than this.

Offred · 06/09/2012 22:28

What are you attached to? Being attached? You are not attached to him, you don't even like him!!!

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 22:28

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1395700-DP-wants-to-buy-food-seperately

Eggs explained Sad

OP posts:
DippyDoohdah · 06/09/2012 22:28

Broody..please do not have children with him! I did..my children are lovely but a Dad in another, better, situation would have been so much nicer for everyone...read your op again and know this is your life with him for the foreseeable add he its not even giving off whiffs of trying to change.pm me if want x

Headagainstwall · 06/09/2012 22:30

Do you think perhaps you might be clinging onto the house right now, because that's the only thing you've got? Or at least, the only thing that makes you happy?

mummytime · 06/09/2012 22:31

Okay so you had a nice holiday.

But that was a short break in the ongoing rubbish.

To study well you don't need a nice airy house, and actually that can hinder study as there is too much you can do rather than study. People have got great degrees living in one room with shared bathrooms (most student rooms before about 1990), often without a shower. Libraries are great places to study, because you can't chat, check facebook or do housework.

Please just pack your bags and go, it will help your study. You do not want to have kids with a pot head (especially a middle aged one). You don't need to be picking him up from the police station before important exams. Or have him wrecking your computer with a crucial assignment on it, because he is too stoned not to be clumsy.

You can do it. If you still doubt yourself, then maybe you need counselling, but gather what strength you have and get out.

openerofjars · 06/09/2012 22:32

Not egg guy? Noooooooooooooooo! Sad

It's just a house, lovey. You can get another house, an even better one, one without an egg-hoarding freak man living in it. Fuck the house right off.

You only get one go at this whole life thing. This is not a rehearsal.

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 22:39

I dont think the house is the only thing, some of the people in this village are really lovely people, I feel safe here, knowing that kind people live a few doors away, there's always someone walking by who I can invite in for a cuppa, it would be a shame to leave, in fact Id sooner he leave and I stayed than anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 22:40

hmm looks online for rental properties

OP posts:
Offred · 06/09/2012 22:43

You really need to leave him. If you can get him out great but I just don't understand why you don't see how utterly utterly awful he is? What is your relationship with your parents like?

Original poster
broodyandpoor · 06/09/2012 22:47

Maybe I just can't see the wood for the trees, thanks for the added impetus, i really like both of my parents they like me too.
I think Im allowing myself to feel the emotions rather than just overeat which is what Ive been using to anaesthetise myself, now Ive stopped that all the toxic corners of my life are being exposed

OP posts:
zipzap · 06/09/2012 22:59

If you're about to start uni then you have a fresh start ahead of you in just a few weeks. YOu'll meet lots of lovely nice people, a few slightly strange people, some who will become great friends, others who you will really not be bothered with.

if you can start uni single then that would give you a great start towards a new life - whereas if you start to make friends and then your new friends meet your 'd'p they might not like him (given your description of him) and not ask you along to things. Or your dp will make you feel bad about going out and enjoying doing things with your uni friends so you won't. And those first few weeks can be so important in making friends (everybody is new and won't know anybody so will be much more willing to talk and find out all about you, becomes much more difficult in a few weeks when friendships start to stablilise) so you really don't want to miss out on them.

Is there any chance that you could sort out some sort of student lodgings even at this late stage? OK so it won't be your home like this one is but if you meet a group of nice people then next year you can look for a rented property with a group of friends or a special friend or two (or even a new dp)...

This really is a unique opportunity that you have coming up for you right now - scary I know - but just think that lots of 18 year olds manage to do it and survive. You may not get another chance like this and find that by the time you do look up and think about it (having spent time resenting your dp, doing lots of uni work and not making student friendships) that time has passed on, and it is even more difficult as you won't have the potential for meeting new people and making new friends in the same way that you do at the start of uni. it's time to take a deep breath, say to hell with it, and jump into uni life and leave your dp behind you.

what would you say if you read a thread like this on MN that you hadn't written - you would see that your dp is not really d or p. hell, chances are that if you do leave him, nobody else is going to want him like he is so he will either snap out of it and get decent again or will spiral down further - in which case, if you decide after a few years at uni that you really can't do without him, I bet he would take you back again as you make his life much better than it is without you. OK I know this is a defeatist way of looking at things - but once you are out of it, I am sure that you would feel so much better.

Think of all the threads on MN where posters have had the courage to leave their partners. Despite the initial difficulties, most of them have said they felt a weight lifting from their shoulders pretty soon after leaving - and when enough time has passed for things to settle down and hindsight to be of use, they are all really glad that they left when they did. YOu never hear of people saying that they regretted leaving and wish they had stayed. So the chances are that it will be good for you too.

Stop and think now, if you were writing a post about your life in 1 or 2 or 4 or 5 or 10 years time, what would you like to be writing about? What would you not like to be writing about? Look at some of the posts on MN at the moment and instead of actually answering them, think about how you would answer them in a year's time or 10 years time having left your dp or having stayed with your dp. And then think - which of these people do I want to be next year or next decade? Because it's the decisions that you make in the next few weeks that will send you down these different paths...

Sorry, don't mean to be scary. I'm not usually one of the 'leave him' brigade. But it does sound in this case that at this moment in time you have a unique opportunity!

Good luck - go for it, jump and enjoy your new life...