ok. morning all, i have had a terrible night and about 3 hours sleep so bare with me and my grammar, spelling, sense making...
its gone from bad to worse... or bad to ridiculous.
i will summerise.
Thursday; i discover disgusting msgs to and from sugartits. we talk a bit. he understands my upset, he sleeps on sofa.
friday; wake up, dh comes in, takes my hand, talks about sugartits birthday in oct, can she sleep on our sofa. he doesnt get it.
friday lunchtime; he cant understand why i've come home from work early. he rolls his eyes. i flip, make speech. trumpets, pom poms, fab. he cries, makes promises, flays himself for being insensitive bastard blah blah, i will cancel everything blah blah. he cant possibly fail to get it now!!! he calls from work, asks if i would speak to ST's on the phone...oh wait, nope, he still doesnt get it.
saturday morning; come downstairs, all the junk food for the party is here.
he says, um it is alright for tonight, that she stays isnt it?
what?! er no, not really, i said, i am at a total loss to understand why a grown man and a grown woman couldnt come to the conclusion between them that her staying the night on my sofa was sensitive to my feelings, or appropriate... well, he said, you should have spelled it out! i am sorry he said again, i dont think... ST's did ask if it was appropriate to carry on staying, and it was me that said yeah dw will be fine...
so i said, isnt it alarming that i have to do your thinking for you. i am not going to tell you what to do, its not difficult, you should already know what you need to do, to put me first.... he makes big show of texting her telling she she couldnt stay (like this was news?!)... still doesnt get it.
saturday at work; he phones me at work, am busy, really bloody busy actually, so i say, hia, whats up, quite quickly. oh, he says in a totally cold voice, um, the online food shop needs doing. shall i do it? (i always do it on a sat night to be delivered sunday morn) i say yeah thats fine, just use the faves or old orders to help you, arent your mates there yet then?
he grunts back, only (his male mate) his tone was really rude and abrupt (for a second i thought he must have found this post...)
so i said ok, i will see you later. yes. he said, and he slammed phone down.
saturday evening; finish work and i know they are all there
my friends are all shockingly busy, i am meant to be going out so i can leave them to it idealy (the gaming community would not appriciate me spoiling their fun) dh knows i have no plans as everyone is busy, he had suggested me joining them (half heartedly way before this all kicked off) but no way!
so i thought i would see a film, but then it dawned on me, that everyone would be staring at the poor wife, whispering, and i couldnt. so i sat on a bench.
then i met by chance an old work mate who took me for a quick bottle of wine drink, but she couldnt stay late so i had to go home at some point.
i hadnt realised how awkward and strang it would be walking in to a room of his mates.
but i did, i walked in, put on a happy face and said hello's to everyone, dh said hello.
hows it all going? i say, one boy says fine.
dh looks at me, sits on sofa and continues his conversation with SUGARTITS ignoring me completely.
i stand there for a few mins, like a lemon, in silence while the boys talk amongst themselves and my husband and her sat in the corner having a conversation about a games console.
right, i annonce, i will erm, leave you guys to it then... silence.
i grab my downton abbey boxset and go upstairs.
i realise my charger is downstairs so i call down for him to chuck it up. he brings it, comes in, shuts door, says you ok then? and i say no, that was awkward wasnt it! and he says well you are welcome to join us. (yeah that showed) i said no.
a hour or so later the go for pizza and he brings me up a plate.
he is so cold and i feel so shit and stupid and weak for getting myself into a postition where i am trapped in my bloody bedroom lol.
for the first time since all this happened, the tears came, and didnt stop.
at nearly 12, the all go.
releived i go to the loo, dh asks whats wrong as its clear i have been crying.
i scream. i cry, i scream at him to fuck off, my fury, and rage, and pain seems to channle itself like a fog horn.
i spell out in simple terms that through all the tears of his, the sorries and the promises, all he has shown in his actions since thursady, is his totally lack of feeling, empathy or respect for me.
i said you should have known how i would have felt walking in tonight, you should have made a fuss, introduced me to your mates, asked how my day was, given me a hug... but no, you said hello, sat down and carried on talking to her...
its just, thursday, your first thought was her, and how she had reacted. friday was about her, and her birthday...in october, saturday, was about making her not feel uncomfortable... where do i come in here?
oh, he said i just dont know what to do to fix this!
stop breaking it more than you already have then. think of me first. before you speak or act think, how will this make my wife feel?
the more people i talk about this to, they have all had the same reaction, how his behaviour doesnt make sense. it doesnt. everyone has said, what is he playing at, is he for real, what is wrong with him, how could he act so thick?!
and its got me thinking...
you say you love me, that you are sorry, yet at every turn, you are making everything worse, your actions are at war with your words.
you didnt want to stop her sleeping over, you wanted me to say it, so i would be the bad guy, same with wales... this is what you are doing isnt it?
you want me to end things so its my desicion not yours.
no no he said, i dont want you to leave me or me to leave you... look i will cancel tomorrow (he was going to the cinema after work to watch two films... you guessed it... with her!) we can talk then...
i said no, we talk now.
i said i have put up with so much from you, and it stops now,
you are rude, agressive (not to anyone but in demenor) and grumpy more often than not, me and the kids have to listen out for you in the morning to see what type of mood you are in.
we tread on eggshells, you talk to me like shit, you gaslight me (had to explain that one to him) and in a year where i have needed support from you with my depression and the councelling, you have ignored it, ridiculed my "crazy pills" and made me feel worse.
and now this...
he said, the reason i talk to you like that and get angry and mean, is because we are not living like man and wife, you flinch when we touch, and wont have sex with me, so i get frustrated.
i said, well, when you come for a cuddle, it starts off ok then you start groping and trying it on, and i freak out, i have told you a million times how i feel at the moment about sex, i am terrified after the horrific birth, the first time we did do it after then, it hurt unbarebly, because of the stitches, and that aside, its always on your terms, if i try to give youa cuddle on the sofa you push me off, you dont like me touching you.
and another reason why i dont want to be close to you, and i have said this 100 times over the last few years, is that you dont brush your teeth, and you have one or two showers per year.
you stink. all the time, and yeah, thats a turn off.
the fact you started to shower 2-3 times a week in the last month, and wear cologne, says a lot doesnt it...
yeah well, maybe i think that if she doesnt want me, why should i bother keeping myself nice? he said.
bollocks, i said, the no showering/teethbrushing has been going on far longer than that. far far longer.
he asked if i wanted him to move out. i said i didnt know. i need space, i need to think, but at the moment i didnt know if we would survive this. then he went to bed, i laid on sofa, awake till 4/5am. then he woke late for work and had to run, was really very grumpy and shitty with me, then left.
he just phoned me, said, have you read my texts, i said no i have been online.
he said, well i will let you read them. and hung up.
they say, do you want me to come home tonight?
i am confused, i think i am doing things you wanted me to do, and then you tell me you didnt want me to do them and its confusing.
shall i come home?
i said yeah, we should probably talk some more...