over reacting?

[dancingwiththedevilonmyback]

so for the last few months my rather antisocial hubby has started going out with a group of mates, im really happy about this as i think friendships outside the marraige are really important and healthy.
his best mate is a girl who is into the stuff he likes, wrestling, computer games ect. he goes out to watch films with her a lot and they socialise with others regualy, i have no issue with this, my best mate is a bloke (although he is gay) she has even kipped on our sofa when they went out so she didnt have to drive home. i have had no suspicions that anything other than friendship has occurred.
she is in a bad relationship, talks about it to him all the time, and seems to say lots of leading things like "my bf doesnt like my breasts, what do you think?" and that suggests to me she may be having thoughts towards him in a romantic way... i have told him that platonic friendships are great but its important not to give the wrong idea...
he assured me she didnt have thoughts like that.
i have become aware that his workmates have been gossiping about them, and that makes me uncomfortable, he assuered me it was one comment from someone really stupid and to take no notice.
well today he left his facebook open and thier messages were there, hundreds of messages, really really flirty.
he calls her sugar tits, says he needs to clear his mind of dirty thoughts of her, many messages of sexual teasing, nothing hardcore, all wink winky, things like, i'll let you dominate me, i'll lie there and take it, he replies i am dripping with antisipation (this is in reference to being beaten in the computer game, but its suggestive and sexual.)
he says, if we carry on going to see films together, people will be even more suspicious, more than normal" which means lots of people at thier work are already suss...
i text him and said, u left your fb open, and i read your msgs, sorry for invading your privacy but i am glad i did,
the level of flirting is unacceptable, and really dismissive of your wife. i feel humiliated after all the bending over backwards i did to accommadate your new mates.
i want this flirting to stop, i am not asking you to end your friendship, or cancel saturday (she is kipping on the sofa again) or to cancel the wrestling (they are going with 2 others to wales to watch the wrestling, him and her are sharing a twin room) i just want you to know the boundries and not overstep them.

he phoned and said nothing was going on, i said it doesnt matter if his penis stayed in his pants, the fact he has been texting her this means he has at least had an emotional or sextual affair. he said nothing had happened, and he was sorry for upsetting me, (sounding irritated now) i said i didnt need him to be sorry for upsetting me, that meant nothing to me, he needs to be sorry for doing it. he doesnt talk to me like that, so he needs to talk like that to someone else.
i said, if you want out of our marraige, tell me, i want to know, dont string me along, and drag it out, if you want out, just go. i wont stop you.
he said he loved being married to me and he loves our children, i said well that wouldnt change would it?
then i said i had to go and get kids ready for bed, and hung up.
was i overreacting?

Majorly long reply sorry: Speaking from the point of view of someone who found out that their DP was cheating with MANY OW (i counted 19 yes 19 in total ranging from sex texts to full sex) including 2 female bezzie mates (one friend and one that used to be married to his friend) that i was fine with him having, including taking me to their houses and inviting them to mine for cups of tea, while i was pregnant with DS2, getting me to carry a sofa and 2 chairs we had sold the one woman up 2 flights of stairs while she sat on her fat fucking arse drinking tea and giggling at me and him 'huffing and puffing'
Playing on the xbox with them, singing them love songs, getting jealous when another man spoke to them, chatting on msn with one of them showing him her tits while he was sitting across the room from me, finding photos of his cock that he sent to an 18 year old, really nice that the pictures were taken on my fucking sofa that i still have because i cant afford to replace it, getting a blow job while sitting in his van watching traffic lights all day then coming home to me, kissing our baby, and looking right in my fucking face, NO GUILT OR REMORSE, messages offering to come and give her a good seeing to because she lives five minutes away from my house so obv he has then intending to come home smelling of her and push past me and baby to jump in the shower, I even saw a group conversation between him and 2 of the women where one that he was shagging, his best friend, was chatting with him and another girl, he was pming them both telling them what he wanted to do to them, and slipped up by putting one bit in the room instead of pm but neither of them obviously gave a shit, .... he got jealous when the one was being chatted up by another man right in front of me and claimed that he was just being a good friend.
THEN beating me up when i finally caught him out, and by beating i mean he punched me in the face and stamped on my head in front of DS2, i had the social services involved and everything.. and AFTER all this he tried to get with the fat sofa woman again, and messaged some other woman in my area for sex in the back of his car!
His other shit included throwing a tantrum over a screwdriver for his xbox controller, and tearing up the house, throwing things round, he ripped the fire and fireplace off the wall, narrowly missing and i mean by centimetres our DS who was on the floor right by it.
He left me twice while pregnant in a shopping centre without money or a means of getting home other than walking, the second time i was 8 months gone.
DS2 was only 2 weeks old when he pulled that trick again, leaving us both, it had been snowing, i had a thin jacket on and boots not exactly made for walking miles in, DS had a coat on and no raincover on his pram, i had to push the buggy and put DS under my coat and walk over 5 miles home in the snow. DS was so cold i thought he was going to die. I finally managed to thumb a lift from a complete fucking stranger for the last mile (dangerous, i could have been murdered or anything) and when we got home, DP was .. yeah you guessed it .. on the xbox chatting with slag 1 and slag 2.. he laughed at me when i came in
I saw messages saying how tight OW's pussy was.. how nice that is to see when you've just given birth!
He sent me to wales to buy him some wheels for his car with my money from being assaulted three years before while he was doing a bike test paid for with the same money, and texted OW for sex when he passed his test. Cheeky bastard just does not cover it..

The bastard ripped out my soul and pissed all over it and i'm not joking
I trusted him implicitly and ignored major red flags

Three years on..

I am still with him but i hate what he did, its better now but you'll never forget..
I treat him with disdain and often border on disgust
Even the OW said sex with him was SHIT
Sometimes i have a flashback and i want to stab him in the fucking face

The only reason we are still together after all that shit is that he suddenly snapped out of his childish shit and cut off the internet completely. He did his best to become the model partner. To change himself completely was hard and he has taken and swallowed all the shit i have deservedly thrown his way.
3 years later it still hurts, i still have wobbles, just not as many, i trust him but not 100%, i am angry that i never got answers as to why he did what he did to us. He's not perfect, indeed he still has dickhead moments, but now i don't stand there and take them, to me, he has hurt me enough to last a lifetime, he has no right to hurt me any more not one tiny bit.. and one step out of line in any way will send him out of my life.
The OW still lives five minutes down the road from me, i feel sick at the thought of bumping into her.
The 18 year old he sent pictures of his cock too now lives in the flat above his mother :(
I could have fucked him off, i chose to stay, my gamble has paid off but it isn't easy not one bit, staying is NOT the 'easy' option.. it may or may not pay off for you but its not you that has to fight for this relationship, its him. He has no fire in his belly to do what he has to. He does not deserve you.
My advice as a stayer.. fucking walk away and don't look back. There are men out there that would love someone as caring, thoughtful and easy going as you have been, without taking the piss out of you. Big unmumsnetty hugs darlin. You need em. PS i know that sicky feeling. It passes when you get angry

and Stay strong, he's feeling like the Big I Am right now, you're worth 10 of him.

Jesus Christ, Things..... Why the actual fuck did you stay with him?

I still consider that question every day myself
I think you were one of my supporters just before i left lol

Stercus Accidit ring any bells? I remember your name..

But basically he bent over backwards and changed himself totally .. and i hung in there noticing the changes he had made, which the OP's fella doesnt appear to be ready to make.

They usually make that decision when faced with losing you
We had no counselling but i had personal counselling, and very good friends and family who didn't judge but supported any decision i had to make

AND i made it perfectly clear there was to be no more shit, everything we do and have now is in the open. I mean everything.

And its brilliant to be honest, phones left lying around, the ability for him to say 'check that text for me babe' and me to not feel sick at what i might find.

My respect and love for him is still broken, but healing, and as i said i have landed him with some right shitstorms and he's put his head down and weathered them, maybe sometimes i've beaten him over the head with it, but he has simply said 'i deserve it, i don't want to lose you' ect. First year i went into proper rages, the second it lessened, and now we are at almost the point where we were previously, but it will never go away.

Its very hard
Not the 'easy' way everyone makes it out to be. I go cold whenever i read that someone is going through the same thing.

Is he still violent to you and the children?

I wish you had been able to leave, you would have had so much support here.

Seriously things... I am completely ...

Why the hell would you stay?!?!?

So what if he has changed, he stamped on your head... WTAF?!

Bloody hell, Stercus, it's you?

I read your post up above without realising and my 1st instinct was to feel very sorry for that woman

No not violent or abusive at all. i had a lot of support on here :) I was very grateful for it too but ultimately it was my decision and he has tried so hard i know he is committed.

Eventually i suppose for every dickhead there is a defining moment where they better pull their socks up and behave like a real man. DP is still a way from perfect but i stuck with him, and trust me i'm not a mouse or shrinking violet doormat or whatever, well i dont consider myself to be, i just chose to stay and work on it.

He has RIGHTFULLY FUCKING SO TOO done 99.9% of the work needed to repair the damage. I worry about the OW spiteful cunt that she is and was, telling DS some way when he's older, indeed one of my biggest arguments with DP was what if her DD a couple of years older than DS starts a relationship with DS in the future? i think things like that opened his eyes and rather then just thinking about his cock he actually looked further than that.
I know it shocked and saddened him.
The sports car went back replaced by a normal family car. I know he was sad but he saw it as something he needed to do.

In short he has made it clear we are worth more to him than that. Shame he couldn't do it before, and that it even happened, but hey ho.

With the way he reacted and changed, and how things are going now although a work in progress, i am glad i stayed. I can't say yet whether it was worth the nights i stayed awake and cried till i had no tears left, or cried till i was sick, or the fears that still surface now and again.. But i hope so, i really do.

He let me down. He let himself down. The OP's partner is doing the same, and now is crunch time. Sadly it appears he is a selfish cunt. I hope to god he comes back down to earth before he goes too far and totally loses this lovely lady, but i truly believe he already has, and he deserves to lose her.

BOF Offred and AnyFucker i remember you all and of course eleanor mwahs

AF i said hello to you the other day on a thread but i do declare you were well in the middle of a rant LOL

I just can't believe you would stay...

Surely there is nothing in the world that could/should make any of that better.

Not better, but we have tried hard to move on and for the most part its working. I don't expect him to be perfect, indeed even now i still have things crop up where i think 'you're a twat mr things'

No it definately hasn't been easy and sometimes i wonder what my life would be like if i had chucked him. I've chucked people for a lot less in the past.

Then again i see him and DS together and the many times as opposed to the not once before this lot that he is loving and kind, the only thing that reminds me of the past is his selfishness and he's working his tits off on that with just the occasional silly slip

He has done his best to prove to me that he's honest now and has nothing to hide. I don't expect model DP but i do expect that he realises how close he came to losing everything just for a 'bit of fun' and makes damn sure there's no repeat.

Strangely enough he would be devastated if i cheated on him. Actually discussed it a long time ago and he said 'I wouldn't like it but i'd deserve it after all i've done to you'

Loving and kind to me not just DS

Stercus - Wow - So glad that you are OK (though I still think you would be better off without him!). Often wondered how you were doing.

Thanks :)

But i didn't want to hijack the thread, i just wanted OP to see that the only way she should ever even consider staying is if the above happened, which i don't think it will.

He has shown this clearly.

And for the record i spoke at length with the 2 OW that i could and even following that i would say that if the OP's situation was mine i would have thrown sugartits out on her ear in front of everyone and made sure everyone knew what he was up to.

DP found it very uncomfortable telling his entire family what he had been up to behind my back. But it was something i demanded especially after he had split with me numerous times so he could carry on with OW and made me out to be something i wasn't so people would pat him on the head and say i deserved to be ditched every five mins.
his family are enablers apart from BIL who still reminds him how lucky he was to this very day. But they were all shocked and disgusted and are clear in their opinion if i was male i would be the pope by now for forgiving that lot and being able to move on.

I do give him credit though despite what anyone says. Sucking it up and genuinely changing a lifetimes worth of behaviour can be bloody hard if not nigh on impossible, so obviously he had the determination to do it, not wanting to lose me and DS gave him the fire in his belly to change things, i give him the utmost credit for that and he better not let me down again because on my life i could not go through healing from that again.

ThingsThat - what a truly horrific experience. You have chosen a hard path to take, I hope all works out for you. I feel chilled just thinking of all you have been through.

Dancing, I just don't know what to say that others haven't said already. WTF is the no showering and washing his teeth thing about? Is he allergic to water? That's a deal-breaker for me even without the sugar-tits thing. Vom.

He is only thinking of himself, and her. Was it Issy who said they are dating? That is exactly what he is doing - he is dating another woman - right under your nose. I could not have walked into my house and seen her there without asking her WTF she was doing there. You would have had every right to chuck her out of your home after the messages you found. But I understand that you feel it shouldn't be you who has to do it - your H should have known in the first place not to have any more contact with her.

TBH it sounds like your self esteem (and by extension, self respect) are in your boots. I don't mean that in an unkind way, but I struggle to understand what you see in a smelly, halitosis laden, groping, gaming, two-timing creep, who abuses you about your depression (no bleeding wonder you are on ads - he has probably caused it) and is forcing you to make the decisions in your relationship. He is either completely thick, or obtuse - neither of which is a good trait. I am not surprised your sex life doesn't exist, I'd feel quite grubby.

For whatever reason, he has manipulated you into being (until recently) too timid to stand up for yourself and lay down some boundaries. Perhaps this is the straw which broke the camel's back, because you sound pretty feisty now (in fact I am in awe of you), and I am so pleased to see you standing up for yourself.

The aggressive behaviour is the sign that he knows he has been caught. He has obviously been reading 'Manipulation for Dummies' by trying to make out that you have caused this.

I know you say you love him, but perhaps some time apart would help you to have a think about whether he really does enhance your life.

I hope you are OK.

Ive not been on here for ages but I could weep after reading this thread.
How many women ruin and waste their lives putting up with this type of treatment? Its just so sad.

As a mother of boys and girls I felt compelled to raise respectful and kind men and hopefully my little girls will become strong independent women who have the self respect not to take this shit.

You get one chance at this ladies,just the one. Don't be on your death beds regretting being treated like shit and wasting your chance for happiness and don't teach your children that this is normal either.

I was gravely ill at just 27. Luckily I came through it but even at that young age I had no regrets for how I had allowed people to treat me and the resulting happiness and enjoyment I had experienced,it was a great feeling.

Nobody needs to be treated so badly,these men are just that mere men they are not indispensable and can be easily lived without.

I think it makes things worse that the suspicion drags you down so much .. before finally finding out.

I felt like a terrible mummy to DS as i spent most of his first year broken :(

It wasn't me, and Things, although I was here then because I remember your username

I'm just flummoxed as to how you could move past that. I really hope he knows how fucking lucky he is.

Stercus...me ranting? Surely not. Sorry if I didn't see you, I thought you had disappeared off MN.

I absolutely have to agree with ledkr. what is so good about these men? There are millions of them in the world, thOooere is no good reason to give the arsehole ones the time of day.

Oops, new phone

I have read op messages totally aghast. My best friend is male, and my DP is totally fine with our friendship ( have been friends since child hood) we go out drinking alone and often sleep at each others houses. But he would never ever talk to me the way your DP talked to his 'friend". My friend would never disrespect me by saying those kind if things. If he ever did I would end the friendship straight away, I would tell my DP and explain that he had over stepped the friendship line.
You did good standing your ground, in my opinion he is defiantly playing dumb with the whole situation. He knows what he is doing and even though no physical contact gas happened, he knows the messages were wrong and that's why he did not tell you. The thrill of his secret turned him on.
I know some times when a new friendship starts to go from casual friends to good friends some times lines can get blurry and you wonder if it's sexual attraction (all before me and DP got together).
You are not in the wrong! He is a grown man and knows the rules of married life.
Offer to buy her ticket to the wrestling and you and him go. That way he still gets see the wrestling but with the right woman. If he is not interested in you buying ticket it was a night with her he wanted not the wrestling.
I hope you and the kids are ok

I think i'm going to have to get my old account back LOL

Things... Obviously it is your life and choice etc but I cannot understand why you stay with him. I cannot believe he had changed - he acted with complete disdain for you and unfortunately I think he will show his true colours again
I really hope I am wrong but I doubt it.

TTMYGH, I wish you well like I always have.