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Original poster

I think his default setting is to be unhappy

99 replies

maristella · 06/09/2012 07:59

I've been in a relationship with DP since the start of this year. We have known each other for years.

Mostly it has been lovely. He has a heart of gold, will do anything for me and is fully committed to our relationship and our future.

I want a future with this lovely man, this is the best relationship I've ever been in by a long way. I feel loved and accepted for who I am, and feel very supported.

A few months into our relationship he felt forced out of his job, felt very bullied. My perception was that his boss was really shit, but I could not identify any actual bullying. Then followed a couple of months of him feeling very low. I wondered at the time if he can actually be happy, but I know how depressing unemployment can be.

He has since got a job, but this negativity persists. The job is terrible apparently, although I'm not really sure why.

DP seems to emanate victim status. He has had some hard times undoubtedly, but haven't we all?

This week I've been so stressed. My job is on the line, and I have a big meeting tomorrow in which I must justify the work I've done etc. Basically I've been hugely overloaded with the highest caseload on the team by at least 50% and am trying to stay out of capability procedures because I've struggled. I also have a uni deadline this week.

I have not once been able to be stressed, distracted or worried (all with good reason) in this relationship without it becoming DP's drama. He gets anxious and paranoid, and will declare that I'm making him feel stressed etc. A few times when I've been stressed or busy he has flounced out of the house.

I'm now avoiding him this week because his moods and feelings seem to dominate everything and this week I refuse to tiptoe around them.

OP posts:
ErikNorseman · 06/09/2012 08:01

So what if it is his default setting? What are you going to do? He sounds selfish and unsupportive to my eyes.

Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 08:11

If it's his default setting that has to change! I realise that could take time and I think counselling...

He is supportive, until I reach a certain stress level in which I can be a bit distracted if that makes sense? Then it's all about him.

I find his negative moods very selfish and indulgent

OP posts:
UnbridledPositivity · 06/09/2012 08:16

Yes, it would be good if his attitude changed... What's that saying about changing people? Or the one about when people tell you who they are...?

In short, after 8 months in a relationship, you are thinking of counselling?

I know what it's like not to get any emotional support. You might be better off finding it elsewhere because if he's not doing it now, do you think he ever would, and without prompting?

cestlavielife · 06/09/2012 10:06

well he can seek counselling for himself... if eh wants to change.

but if he doesnt want to change for himself there is nothing you can do

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/09/2012 10:17

I agree with cestlavielife. The worst mistake you can make in a relationship is to think someone is going to change personality, because it rarely if ever happens. You're still in the early days when usually people are on best behaviour, out to impress and masking their worst faults. OK he's had some challenges in that time but this is probably as good as it gets.

"I have not once been able to be stressed, distracted or worried (all with good reason) in this relationship without it becoming DP's drama." Take this together with the assertion that he is constantly being bullied and a victim and what you've got is a very selfish, immature individual that doesn't care much for anyone else & defaults to 'poor me' when they are not the centre of attention. Those are not good traits in anyone, let alone a partner.

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 12:18

I suspect his 'heart of gold' is pyrite and it seems to me you're fooling yourself in thinking that this man is anything other than the one Cogito has described.

I'm wondering how long it will take before he feels 'forced' out of his current employment and I sincerely hope you are long gone before that day dawns.

Good luck for tomorrow - given that you are toting 50% more load than your colleagues, if anyone's the victim here it would seem to be you.

ClippedPhoenix · 06/09/2012 12:21

He's now starting to show his true colour isn't he OP.

Catsdontcare · 06/09/2012 12:26

You are kidding yourself if you think he can change this type of personality trait - sorry but he will just drag you down with him.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 12:33

Agree with Cogito 100%

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 06/09/2012 12:35

What everyone else said.

Ilovedaintynuts · 06/09/2012 12:37

If you can't be yourself and you can't rely on your life partner to give you emotional support when you need it is he really that fantastic?

You are worried about yourself but he is too wrapped up in his own affairs to get involved. Doesn't sound like a heart of gold to me.

My mum walks around as a 'victim'. In every job someone bullies her, doesn't understand her, shows her no respect, gives her too much to do etc. and she sounds very convincing. But we're on about the 30th job now.

Don't fall in to the trap of thinking you can 'fix' him. You can't.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/09/2012 12:38

I remember interviewing someone for a job once. His CV contained quite a few different posts and I went through the list asking why he'd left each one. Every time his answer revolved around how he had fabulous ideas, should have been promoted, could have turned the place around etc. ... but the foolish management had failed to see his potential, victimised him, held him back. I quietly wrote 'up his own arse' in the margin and sent him a polite rejection.

Proudnscary · 06/09/2012 12:40

Daintynuts - are you my sister?! Sounds like my mother to a tee.

Cogito - I never employ anyone who slags off current/former employers anyway. Never a good sign and is a bit thick to say that to a potential new employer!

mumtomoley · 06/09/2012 12:48

He sounds very unhappy. You say you have known him for a long time, has he always been like this? is he selfish in other ways?

I can relate to him not wanting you to tell him your troubles because it stresses him out. Sometimes I feel like this but I would never say it to DP! I am the worrier of the two of us, so I am generally worrying about everything at a fairly low level. If DP starts worrying then it makes me panic because it means things are actually quite bad. Does that make sense? DP being worried about something practically makes me hyperventilate! your DP is selfish though to let the way he feels stop him from supporting you.

Have you spelt it out to him how it makes you feel?

Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 18:36

Wow, the responses I kind of knew were coming :(

It's shit isn't it?

We almost broke up a few weeks ago because his moods were too much. He has been better since, but it's still not enough and I'm still on edge because I know that me being stressed could result in a strop, which further increases my stress, and it is all so unnecessary.

I recognise his moods, I used to be like this until my mid 20's. My moods would plummet at the drop of a hat, and it's difficult to snap out of it. But I worked on that. I also recognise that selfish paranoia, where everything is about me but I grew out of that, I had to or I would have kept on losing people.

That heart of gold is there, but the barriers go up as soon as he wrongly believes he is about to be stabbed in the back.

I have no desire to fix him at all. I don't mind pointing him in the right direction, but to a certain extent I fix people for a living, and will not entertain it in my private life (apart from DC).

I feel drained, literally exhausted.
I don't know what to do for dinner, I can't be arsed to be honest! Just want to hide away and sleep and sleep

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 18:41

Sorry, I absolutely meant to thank you all for your replies, I do appreciate it, and I know that you are all so right in too many ways x

OP posts:
GeekLove · 06/09/2012 22:15

Are you dating one of my exes? I had one at Uni who was always unhappy -anything could set him off and he would have complex emotions like diarrhoea. He did nothing about it and one of the reasons I stuck with him was that I thought he would want to change and seek therapy. Of course not - he was comfortable with being unhappy and happy to heap the blame at me.
However that did falter when we did split up and he realised that he was still unhappy but couldn't blame it on me.
Going out with a chronically unhappy person is so draining - my degree did suffer since I ended up being his 24/7 live in councellor.

Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 22:29

I doubt it Geek as he didn't go to uni Wink

The diarrhoea analogy is so spot on! He just spews negativity when he perceives things are going wrong

I don't think he enjoys it most of the time, but he does try to gain from it.
There's definitely an element of punishment. Take tonight for example: I texted him (as he is working) and said that due to awful workload and need for good sleep ready for tomorrow I'd prefer to see him tomorrow.... And silence. Total silence Angry

Couldn't see past his 'rejection' to send me a message of support or encouragement. Wanker

OP posts:
whethergirl · 06/09/2012 22:44

Oh god, I'm cringing - he so so sounds like my ex. Also had a heart of gold and would do anything for me. I later realised this was because he was very needy and an emotional vampire. Being "lovely" was his way of keeping me. He was ALWAYS the victim, and trust me when I say that a victim mentality is not easy to shake off! And it's very unattractive and you will eventually lose respect for him. And you are right about him being indulgent. This is ALL about him. Even his undying love (wild guess) for you is all about him.

I know it's easy to say, and hard for you because you imagined a future with this man but...he is not going to change, and you are going to end up resenting him - you have already started. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants a mummy/counsellor - that's not you is it?

FrankieMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 06/09/2012 22:44

I am sorry but it is unlikely he will change Sad

My Ex is/was terminally dissatisfied. After we had been together about a year something had happened and I happened to be talking to his best mate. I commented that maybe Ex would feel better and be happier, as he had been so down at the time, and his best friend laughed and said 'Nah, he'll never be happy'.

I was, apparently, the woman of his dreams, gave him the life he wanted..... but it was never,ever enough to stop him complaining, criticising, being negative.... It was totally exhausting and draining. We split for many reasons after 15 years.

He also has some lovely traits, but if we are together for a length of time, it starts....
It makes sense when I remember or see his Mum for any reason. She is twice as bad. Again can be lovely but seems to come into her element when she is picking fault, or running someone down. (it was often me!!)

Your DP would have to want to do something about it badly enough to actually change, i.e counselling, but my experience is that with some people it is inherent in them Sad

And the text thing.... I went to a wedding on Saturday and had to text him about something to do with the DC's. He replied 'We need to talk'. By the time I got back I was in a state and he wasn't replying to texts or answering his phone, so I went to his, worried something was wrong with the DC's.
There was nothing wrong, it was just an event DD had wanted to go to had been cancelled. But that 'we need to talk' was a hook, that spoiled my feelings after having a nice day and 'punished' me for it. Sad
He used to do the not replying thing as well. It takes something to sulk by text!!

Sorry... Sad you struck a chord.

whethergirl · 06/09/2012 22:55

"I want a future with this lovely man, this is the best relationship I've ever been in by a long way. I feel loved and accepted for who I am, and feel very supported." I felt the same by the way. I thought it was the best relationship I'd ever been in, but really it was all part of his emotional neediness. And then I realised, actually, just because he thinks everything I do/say/think is bloody amazing, doesn't mean he loved me any more than with other exs. He just needed me so much that he idolised me.

Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 23:03

It's almost a condition or a bargaining tool isn't it? I accept you just the way you are, therefore you have to accept me, warts n all...

Anyway, guess who just turned up???!!!!!
I went out for a smoke and he was just about to walk through the gate, gave me a fucking fright and a half! Angry

Claims he did not get the text (which answered a question he had asked)

I said I had texted to ask to postpone until tomorrow. He said he will see me Sunday as he had not planned on coming over Friday or Saturday. This is despite him staying almost every Fri and Sat since spring.

Games, punishment, strops, games, punishments, strops........

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 23:06

whether it is particularly hard as I had for the first time in my life thought I had a good future with someone, and I still could have a future with him, but it wouldn't exactly be rosy would it?

OP posts:
mumtomoley · 06/09/2012 23:09

Ah ok, well I revise my earlier opinion! I cannot be bothered with game players :) I thought perhaps he was just a man who was desperately happy and couldn't take anymore - as well as being a bit self absorbed. But actually the mere fact of him saying that he hadn't intended seeing you friday or saturday is irritating especially as it sounds like tomorrow is a big day for you.

Good luck maristella :)

Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 23:14

Do you know what mumto ? So do I!

After the silence following my text (punishment), the arrival (game) and the silly buggery over the weekend plans (game) (punishment) I've fucking well had enough.

Can't do games, and I won't

OP posts: