I think his default setting is to be unhappy

[maristella]

I've been in a relationship with DP since the start of this year. We have known each other for years.

Mostly it has been lovely. He has a heart of gold, will do anything for me and is fully committed to our relationship and our future.

I want a future with this lovely man, this is the best relationship I've ever been in by a long way. I feel loved and accepted for who I am, and feel very supported.

A few months into our relationship he felt forced out of his job, felt very bullied. My perception was that his boss was really shit, but I could not identify any actual bullying. Then followed a couple of months of him feeling very low. I wondered at the time if he can actually be happy, but I know how depressing unemployment can be.

He has since got a job, but this negativity persists. The job is terrible apparently, although I'm not really sure why.

DP seems to emanate victim status. He has had some hard times undoubtedly, but haven't we all?

This week I've been so stressed. My job is on the line, and I have a big meeting tomorrow in which I must justify the work I've done etc. Basically I've been hugely overloaded with the highest caseload on the team by at least 50% and am trying to stay out of capability procedures because I've struggled. I also have a uni deadline this week.

I have not once been able to be stressed, distracted or worried (all with good reason) in this relationship without it becoming DP's drama. He gets anxious and paranoid, and will declare that I'm making him feel stressed etc. A few times when I've been stressed or busy he has flounced out of the house.

I'm now avoiding him this week because his moods and feelings seem to dominate everything and this week I refuse to tiptoe around them.

I can't believe I'm here again, it really sucks

Well, if nothing else, at least you're now available for the right one, should he happen along.

You've done well to recognise this after eight months. You could have lost a lot longer to him.

Onwards and upwards matey!

Good for you, maristella- you have done yourself a massive favour here, even if it feels a bit rubbish just now.

It feels shit alright! Lovely chat with DS coming up :( :( :(

I've finally spoken to my friends about how things have been, and I have support, which is amazing.

I just know that once someone has behaved in such a way that I will never want to sleep with them again. I get realy FINAL but it's good. mWhy would I want to sleep with someone who it trying to manipulate me?

I'm sorry for my drunken lairy grammar; it's big changes and fat wineage in the maris househole tonight...

This is a turning point for you, and it will get better, definitely. If only because you aren't wasting your time and loveliness on a deadbeat.

So true... I thought I'd feel lost; I've been waiting for a good relationship for sooooooo long! But frankly, I'd rather be single. The last few months have been si hard, let alone the last few weeks!

Morning Maristella

Just to say I have just read the thread and the things you said about him made me laugh especially needing to have a word with you about your attitude this week. Hilarious.

You sound brilliantly sorted and organised , hard worker at work and doing a uni course and you have DC too.

A man in your life to compliment all this and enhance things would be lovely I am sure but he was doing the complete opposite. Far better to be single than carrying a workload like him just for the few benefits I suppose he was offering.

Well done for making a decision and giving him the boot rather than making excuses for him , kidding yourself that somehow he will change in the name of being in a couple.

Enjoy todays sunshine without the weight of him and his angst on your mind

maristella, you've done the right thing - you know you have, and you'll recover from this quicker than you think.

You're not a failure - you'd be a failure for staying with him. I know how you feel, about a month before I split up with my ex he came to a family party and met everyone!! But what you've done for yourself now is invaluable...you've confirmed to yourself that you have high standards, and no matter how much you want to be in a relationship, you're not willing to settle for tossers. So just see it as another step towards having that great relationship!

I also felt terrible having to break the news to ds who adored him. In fact I stayed with him longer than I should have done because I was so scared of ds being heartbroken. He was heartbroken. Totally over it now. It taught me a lesson - not to bring anyone into our lives so quickly again.

Thank you. I don't feel too sorted today

I didn't finish the essay :( Need a big chat with my tutor tomorrow.

Dreading the conversation with DS, they got on so well, but DS did also see bits of the difficulties so I don't think he will be entirely surprised. It is so hard to try to hide a relationship from a teenager; he knew I had met someone and felt that I wasn't trusting him which is why XP met and got to know him so soon. It's tough and it's shit. I feel like I've failed DS by introducing him to someone, yet all I wanted was to bring a partner into the mix, it's what I've wanted for so so long.

At least I will have peace and quiet for the rest of this uni course :)

Had a big long message from XP earlier, he's in pain blah blah blah. Stop causing pain then you fucking fool, was the response. I was very cutting and brutal, I'm not tiptoeing around his moods any more, which has probably come as a massive surprise to him.

I'm starting uni in October, and planning to be single for the next 3 years as I don't want any relationship head fucks while I'm studying!

It's so understandable maristella, of course you introduced him to ds with the very best of intentions. You could not have predicted the outcome. You've done nothing wrong, it's just a bit shit for everyone when this happens but it will be a distant memory at some point - thank god.

It's funny when you see through people like this, any patience you had for them just completely dissipates. Just tell him to stop contacting you, you don't need to put up with this victim shit any longer, let him find someone else to play his games to.

It's amazing though when you do the dumping you do feel awful even though it's for the best. Took me at least 6 weeks on average. Also expect him to get smug soon as I suspect he will be pleased not to be the dumper.
Tbh though I hnink it is best to be the dumper in a rubbish relationship since it shows you've taken the initiative. Chances are h will put on a face if image is important to him.

All I did was try to have a good solid relationship, the sort that so many people have, and I have tried so bloody hard. I feel stupid, like I've been careless.

I feel bad for my DS and for my family, they had dared to hope that this would be it. I don't feel bad for him at all. I feel like he has picked on me relentlessly when he has felt too low on my list of priorities, I have felt bullied into a corner.

I suspect that he will be most interested in maintaining his image as the victim, always the bloody victim. I've never met anyone who thought they were so very hard done by!

maristella, you are feeling shitty because your relationship has ended - and no matter how right that choice is, you'll still feel shitty. That is natural, and you are reacting as a normal human being.

Try not to be hard on yourself. He is not the last guy left in the world. Yes, other people are in relationships but many, if not most, are struggling or working very hard to maintain it.

Your family were just happy for you because they thought you were happy. And they'll be even happier to know that you didn't resign yourself to staying with whiney arse just for the sake of it.

Seriously, I think victims are the people I have the least patience with. I find it revolting actually, how they go about expecting the world owes them a favour. Fuck off and get a life! Like they are SO important and they are the WORST off and yet they are SO nice. Fucking man up.

Just to be clear, Fuck off and get a life! and Fucking man up was aimed at them, not you!

Don't worry about the family maristella. My SIL has recently left a relationship of over 2 years with someone who manifested "Woe is me" and hypochondriac symptoms from the beginning. She introduced him to DS at aged 10 years. None of us dared mention the red flags we were seeing! I did free child-care every weekend she needed me, and school holidays. But how do you say to someone "I don't really like him. There is something not right."

SIL was an adult and had to come to realisation herself. When the two-timing twunt was kicked into touch (yes, he was living with another woman so the "have a head-ache, need to go home"; "I hate my job but I have to work Bank Holiday": "My job is on the line so won't be able to see you this week" was actually him getting back to OW who he had moved in with after starting a relationship with my SIL)

Honestly, your family and DS will have seen the signs before you acknowledged them! They will be relieved that you have woken up!

My ex was like this. He could never be wholeheartedly happy about anything. every silver lining had a cloud, weight of the world on his shoulders etc etc. When we met I thought he had a temporary problem; turns out it was just his personality.

Eventually I realised I was dreading coming home every night to talk about the impending apocalypse (really), broke up with him and met someone with a lust for life. The tragedy is that ex is otherwise a nice, conscientious bloke.

whether that really gave me a laugh

Being in a relationship with one of lifes victims is just soooo draining isn't it?
There is no going back, I think that victim mentality and the manipulative element are intrinsic in him. I thought about his family dynamics, and they're similar, very similar.

I think someone with that mentality can do so much damage because they are in the habit of justifying their behaviour to themselves. I always thought he was so solid and faithful, and I believe he was faithful with me, but his sex drive seemed so low. When he was stressed about something there was no sex, and that was often. I now see that the 'stress' was not always stress, but manipulation of me too.

And yeah, he needs to man the fuck up

Thing is, if a bloke is a downright evil bastard, then at least it's obvious and we can avoid like the plague thank you very much. But the victim whiney arses can be misleading; he's so sensitive no, he is a whiney arse, oh he's so kind he'd do anything for me no, he's needy, oh he's so deep no, he is a self absorbed twat etc.

A victim mentality is very hard to shift. For a start they never think they are playing the victim!

I think the 'kindness' and the way I was accepted for who I am was in readiness for me to take everything that was thrown at me. Devious!!

Iam just so worried I'll get an unwanted guest tonight :(

We have always met up on Thursday nights, the fact that he turned up last Thurs after I had texted asking to cancel suggests it might be an entitlement of sorts

Irrationally bricking it right now

He just turned up I'm shaking

Went ou for a fag and he was walking up the fucking path, just like last week!! I said I'm tired and wont talk now. No idea of he has gone, I just came straight in and shut the door. Turned off the light, locked the door. Really want that fag but i'm bricking it

Is everything ok? Didn't think he'd give up so easily. You've got to tell him in very plain simple English, that you don't want to be with him and you don't want to see him and that he is not to come to your house. If he then does any of those things afterwards, it's harrassment.

Be prepared, he may get nasty too. It's how victims can get when they don't get their own way.

Thanks whether you've been a brick!

I'm halfway between scared and livid. Just...how dare he???
I think it is only my nerves stopping me from raging

I'm also shocked that he was so utterly predictable, really shocked. At about half 9 I did everything I had to do (bin out, chickens in etc) just in case. So glad I did!

I'm really stunned that he thought it would be ok to turn up uninvited and unannounced after I have ended it and insisted that he leaves me alone. How bloody rude!