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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think his default setting is to be unhappy

99 replies

maristella · 06/09/2012 07:59

I've been in a relationship with DP since the start of this year. We have known each other for years.

Mostly it has been lovely. He has a heart of gold, will do anything for me and is fully committed to our relationship and our future.

I want a future with this lovely man, this is the best relationship I've ever been in by a long way. I feel loved and accepted for who I am, and feel very supported.

A few months into our relationship he felt forced out of his job, felt very bullied. My perception was that his boss was really shit, but I could not identify any actual bullying. Then followed a couple of months of him feeling very low. I wondered at the time if he can actually be happy, but I know how depressing unemployment can be.

He has since got a job, but this negativity persists. The job is terrible apparently, although I'm not really sure why.

DP seems to emanate victim status. He has had some hard times undoubtedly, but haven't we all?

This week I've been so stressed. My job is on the line, and I have a big meeting tomorrow in which I must justify the work I've done etc. Basically I've been hugely overloaded with the highest caseload on the team by at least 50% and am trying to stay out of capability procedures because I've struggled. I also have a uni deadline this week.

I have not once been able to be stressed, distracted or worried (all with good reason) in this relationship without it becoming DP's drama. He gets anxious and paranoid, and will declare that I'm making him feel stressed etc. A few times when I've been stressed or busy he has flounced out of the house.

I'm now avoiding him this week because his moods and feelings seem to dominate everything and this week I refuse to tiptoe around them.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 23:17

Bin this one. It's really not worth the hassle, no one needs a whinyarse in their life.

whethergirl · 06/09/2012 23:20

You could have a future with him maristella, but I think at some point you just won't want to. Whether you want to wait until he pisses you off even more - like I did, to the point where I found my ex unbearable and therefore easier to split up, or just save yourself the hassle and do it now.

I had for the first time in my life thought I had a good future with someone - sorry, you must feel so disappointed. Try not to dwell on that - you can have a future with someone who is emotionally mature. This guy is not your last chance!

whethergirl · 06/09/2012 23:25

Ha ha, I remember you solidgoldbrass calling my ex that when I came on here when ex was doing my head in, and constantly referring to him as whinyarse. God, he really was though .

Maristella, i know it's very unlikely but your dp's name doesn't begin with M does it? It's just uncanny. Some guys are just so textbook.

Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 23:25

I feel both angry and disappointed at once, and all when I'm so worried about tomorrow's meeting. I knew this would end up being all about him. I'm seeing him less as unhappy and more as manipulative as the day goes on

OP posts:
whethergirl · 06/09/2012 23:28

Think of him as a toddler. He is selfish, sulks and needs your constant attention.

flibbergibbet · 06/09/2012 23:28

Omg I can't believe my husband is living a double life with you! :)

Seriously though I know how this behaviour can get you down as my husband is such a victim and negative about life in general and it drives me mad. Lovely apart from that so I know where you are coming from. Unfortunately I haven't figured out a solution so I will be watching this thread with interest.

Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 23:29

No not M, but just so textbook. The penny is dropping this week in slow motion :(

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 06/09/2012 23:34

OMG I have to try to sleep! Massive day for me tomorrow :(

Thank you all so much x

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2012 23:36

As least you don't live with him or have DC with him, you can just tell him to fuck right off and never bother you again. ANd if he refuses to fuck off, you can involve the police in order to make him do so.

whethergirl · 06/09/2012 23:37

Good luck for tomorrow maristella, hopefully you've got some of this stuff off your chest so you can just put him aside and concentrate on work for now.

Original poster
maristella · 07/09/2012 09:54

Today I'm getting the silent treatment :)

I think it's for the best! No good luck messages, because it's all about him.

Onwards and upwards!

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 09/09/2012 00:11

Short version: he came, he stropped, he left

Long version: I've neglected him, I need help, I'm cold, I'be made him feel uneasy

It will ALWAYS be all about him. Good fucking riddance! And now to explain to my family, who met and liked him... I feel like a failure

OP posts:
pictish · 09/09/2012 00:21

Good god ditch his sorry arse pronto. Please.

pictish · 09/09/2012 00:23

I have read this thread through btw.
OP you know it, and we all know it. He's a manipulative shit.

Original poster
maristella · 09/09/2012 00:26

No need, he has walked out for the final time. I had such big (and probably boring as hell) talks with my friend today, and the conclusion I reached that I was not going to attempt to reach a major decision while under so much pressure. So he came over, all was good, until he grilled me about my 'attitude this week'... I don't want his sorry, demanding, self-centred and aggressive arse back. I felt initimidated and backed into a corner, in my own home. That is the ultimate turn off, never ever again

OP posts:
pictish · 09/09/2012 00:28

Fucking sound OP. Glad to hear it. You are so right.

Have you told him yet?

Original poster
maristella · 09/09/2012 00:28

I, maristella, who doesn't want to namechange from this name that means a lot personally, will not put myself in this position again. That absolutely means so more him.

Thank you for boosting me, it's easy to see how isolated it was eqasy to make me fel way back when before I discovered MN, thank he lord for you guys x

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 09/09/2012 00:33

I said I felt totally uncomfortable, so he said he needs sleep and went to bed. I gave him a few mins (felt really unsire) and went up and quietly told him that I felt so uncomfortable and have nowhere else to go. After he spent a few minutes (felt like hours, probably 10 seconds) pretending to be asleep he said he would go and left. Good! I live in a small house, there is no escape from toxic bullshit, not that that would make it ok.

He has tried to phone, I've cut the call.

From my point of view, I expect to be treated reasonably or to be left well alone, and I think I've made that very clear. He cannot meet my standards; they're not stupidly high, but he can't meet them.

I'm single, it's liberating, but it also does suck

OP posts:
Original poster
maristella · 09/09/2012 00:34

Thank you pictish i really appreciate you being here :)

It can be a lonely world, thank the heavens for MN x

OP posts:
pictish · 09/09/2012 00:37

It doesn't suck as bad as being some clown's emotional puppet though.
You can't live your life like that.

pictish · 09/09/2012 00:40

That's what it gets like. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone not a million miles away from your wee gem there.
You end up altering your very self in order to accomodate them, but it's never enough. They want to pull your strings like a puppeteer...doing with you as they will to feed their own face.

It's despicable actually.

Original poster
maristella · 09/09/2012 00:44

My last abusive relationship (that's how I erefr to it) ended 5 years ago. After the dramas this week the penny dropped and I saw awful similarities: lovely, just gorgeous one minute and absolutely vile the next because he has perceived I am stabbing him in the back; just the same. I'm grateful for my insight.

It has been lovely being in a partnership again, but due to the stress I've been under this week I've seen that this partnership is entirely conditional on me giving unacceptable amounts of emotional attention to him, and placing his emotional needs first.

I want my degree, and I love my job; there is no contest

OP posts:
pictish · 09/09/2012 00:44

I am no longer in the situation btw. I had clarity like you. It was totally liberating.

Original poster
maristella · 09/09/2012 00:46

Ok I don't love love my job, but I really value it!

The puppeteer analogy is spot on; he has been tweaking my attention back to him, even in this negative way.

OP posts:
pictish · 09/09/2012 00:46

Aye - you're on a hiding to nothing with this loser. He'd slowly crush you.

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