I think his default setting is to be unhappy

[maristella]

I've been in a relationship with DP since the start of this year. We have known each other for years.

Mostly it has been lovely. He has a heart of gold, will do anything for me and is fully committed to our relationship and our future.

I want a future with this lovely man, this is the best relationship I've ever been in by a long way. I feel loved and accepted for who I am, and feel very supported.

A few months into our relationship he felt forced out of his job, felt very bullied. My perception was that his boss was really shit, but I could not identify any actual bullying. Then followed a couple of months of him feeling very low. I wondered at the time if he can actually be happy, but I know how depressing unemployment can be.

He has since got a job, but this negativity persists. The job is terrible apparently, although I'm not really sure why.

DP seems to emanate victim status. He has had some hard times undoubtedly, but haven't we all?

This week I've been so stressed. My job is on the line, and I have a big meeting tomorrow in which I must justify the work I've done etc. Basically I've been hugely overloaded with the highest caseload on the team by at least 50% and am trying to stay out of capability procedures because I've struggled. I also have a uni deadline this week.

I have not once been able to be stressed, distracted or worried (all with good reason) in this relationship without it becoming DP's drama. He gets anxious and paranoid, and will declare that I'm making him feel stressed etc. A few times when I've been stressed or busy he has flounced out of the house.

I'm now avoiding him this week because his moods and feelings seem to dominate everything and this week I refuse to tiptoe around them.

I've been there and it's just....creepy! I had folks on mumsnet telling me to change my locks and all sorts!

You just don't do that do you? What kind of an idiot is he to just turn up, completely selfish and doing what he wants to do, no consideration as to how you might be feeling. It's still all about him.

It is really creepy, the concept of turning up unannounced in order to catch someone off guard! And to not ask to come around, knowing the answer would be NO....

Thankfully no need to panic over locks as he didn't have a key, although I had been close to getting one cut for him - lucky escape.

Spoke to my parents today and have had lots of support :) I'm slightly ashamed I thought it could have been worse.

Just came home to a massive bunch of flowers! Card says 'forgive me'.

I really really hate apology flowers.
And it's not so much about forgiveness, but about knowing he is too confrontational, too manipulative and too much of a victim for this to ever work.

I wish all this would go away :(
What's next, the angry text or visit?? Or the sob story?

Yuk, nothing says manipulation better than a bunch of apology flowers.

And yes, be very prepared for an angry text, another visit or sob story or all three. He won't give up easily.

Do you think he needs one last email, polite but firm and unemotional, confirming your decision to split up and that it's best for both of you to not have any more contact at all. After that - don't engage with him. No matter what trick he pulls out (I got suicide threats) just ignore, it's only to get your attention and to interact with you. Claiming it's all because he loves you so much, when really it's just pure selfishness.

You could say.

Of course I forgive you. But that doesn't mean I want you in my life. So don't call me, text me, email me, come to my house or have any contact in any way imaginable. I will not reply and will report you to the police.

I've just read this whole thread. He's a charmer isn't he?! Script script script!! I think any reply to any communication of any sort will encourage him. Ignore him totally & if he does keep turning up/texting etc especially if it gets nasty (as of course it will - remember the script !) phone the police & report him for harassment. They will have a little chat with him which should for once give him a reason to be a misery!

It's all part of the manipulative wanker script isn't it?

Got a gut feeling he will try and come over tonight, and I was right the last time I thought this :(

I've just messaged him saying I'll get in contact after he finishes work and have made it very clear that I do not want to be visited. Then he'll get The Email in which I make everything very clear: no future, no more.

I have had support from siblings too, but DS's reaction was hard to handle. He was completely pissed off with me all of yesterday after I told him, almost contemptuous. Kept trying to minimise XP's behaviour.

We had really big chats today, and have made big progress :)
He understands that he and I both want the same thing: someone great to be a partner to me and bring positives into his life. He also understands that I'm not taking this away from him, it doesn't yet exist and that I have tried and tried.

I just want it all to go away! I've gone from feeling a bit sad for XP, this will hit him hard (doesn't everything?) to feeling scared because I know he might come over.

I've got a big scary walk to do and I'm scared XP will be here waiting when I get back. (I'm collecting DS from work on foot as he wants to know if the walk back through the woods is too scary for him. Shitting myself)

I've made it so clear that I do not want to be visited, so god help the wanker if he decides to ignore this!

How did it go maristella, did he turn up?

Glad you made progress with DS. Does he have contact with his own father?
You seem to be betting a happy future on finding a man who will fulfill both you and your ds - correct me if I'm wrong. You may or may not find such a man, I hope you both feel that you can still be happy and that there is no gaping hole to be filled.

He replied saying he is too tired to talk. I sooo hadn't planned on talking, just putting my point across in an email. If he turns up he won't be coming in! I won't even answer the door at this hour. I'll send that email across soon, but I'm still tiuptoeing around his moods! If I send it when I'm working, he'll have a paddy at work, if I send it when he's not working, I'll wreck his time off Need to stop dancing to his tune!

You are right in that DS and I both feel there is a bit of a gap, and we do lose sight of how good we can be as a family. DS has no contact with his father, so there is almost an added pressure on me to replace that missing male role model, but he is just lovely as he is! While DS would massively benefit from the right person joining us, he does not need this to happen at all. I think from DS' point of view he wants to have that male influence, and for me to be looked after a little bit

I'm in same situation maristella, re absent father so I do understand. Especially as there are not many single parents in my area so ds feels he is missing out. However, I do try and make sure he spends plenty of time with my dad. Is there anyone else that could be a positive male role model? It doesn't even have to be family. DS has also looked up to a male mentor at school and his tai-kwon-do teacher.

Personally, I think it's less risky than trying to get that from a relationship. Otherwise there is too much pressure on the relationship and too many expectations and/or dependency on the OH. However, if that is what you want then I hope it happens for you - it's not impossible!

As for ex, do what you need to do, don't worry about how it will affect him because, whatever you do, he will always choose for it to affect him in the worse way possible.

Did he turn up? Your son will understand eventually. Surely he must have noticed how precious he was!

Thankfully he didn't turn up :)

This morning I'm sending the 'spell it out for the last time' email. I just feel safer sending it when DS and I are out of the house.

I had a peek at his FB yesterday, and it's full of 'had a great week' updates. In all my time with him, he only ever had terrible and unbearable weeks, so he's sticking to the script!

Have to return his stuff to him too... If things are tricky I'll just leave it on his parents doorstep, I don't need any more stress.

I have a feeling he will quibble over money. We went away for a festival and I asked to borrow money, and he said I could just pay back half of what he withdrew, then started spending frantically! Considering he has free loaded off me for months, and that I have nothing to give, he can go fuck himself!

whether my DS also sees my dad a lot :) and his uncles, and also has good male role models in his martial arts instructor, a sch teacher (my fave teacher from sch) and now also at work :)

Ha ha, my ex did exactly the same when we split up, updates that even went as far as "great weekend full of wine and snogs". However this very quickly changed to dramatic suicidal updates which I felt were there for my benefit, and angry emails, so I blocked him.

If he does pester you for the money, remember it's not about the money, it's just another tool to engage you. When me and ex split, I gave him back jewellery that belonged to his late mother, and he was all like "oh no, I gave that to you with love, please please keep it" (I gave it back anyway) and then a week later, demanded I returned a necklace he gave me, saying he had given it with love and that love had now died. . Whatever.

My friend offered to take all his stuff back which worked out well, definitely just bag it all up asap and drop round to his parents (or get a friend to do it).

Yes dump his stuff & refuse to reply to any more contact attempts.

No need to dump his stuff, he just fucking well turned up

I went outside and gave him both barrells, I was raging!

He tried his very best, apparently he knows he has been selfish and is now really happy

Something tells me I haven't heard the last of him. We went from me raging, me telling it like it is, chatting generally, him asking to try again, me standing my ground, me coming back inside. Didn't let him in at all

Ok I've got a message from him...
He has sent me his phone number in case I ever need anything
As well as the usual drivel. By the end of the week his tone will have changed no doubt!

my dh was like this, we are now getting divorced. suggest counselling, if he wont go, drop him. it will infect every area of your life and drive you to despair of your own.

sorry

oops, only read your first post

however having read you last, stand by my comment its par for the course

Ah me and my partner have just been through this and u both need to sit down and talk.this will be a tester for u both but hopefully youl both get by.his "man pride" has been blowing because he feels hes not good enough and so on...i had this with my partner and it was very hard and it was hard for me not to say "get a grip!! Theres worse things in life than unemployement.just sit down and talk to him hunny,try and make him understand he has to be strong for you and you will be for him.feel for you both,its not easy!

Oooh no, the only way I could be with him would be to give up on my dreams and put him first every step of the way, never going to happen

WTF? What an idiot turning up like that again. So so selfish. Any decent person would at least ask first, and he won't do that because he knows you'd say no - so then why the fuck does he come round anyway?

Did he read your email before you came? Was it clear in the email that you don't want him turning up - or at least have you now made it clear? He can NOT just turn up again. You have a right to feel safe in your own home, and to your privacy.

Anyway well done, you handled it well. What a tosser.

Yeah well done - brilliantly handled! If h turns up again just call the police ......

Thank you, I've made it very clear indeed!

In all honesty I've felt really quite low for the last couple of days, wishing things were different, and badly hoping for change...
Thankfully I've had a wake up call today. XP was messaging my friend while she was on holiday last week. He told her I'm badly stressed, not in a good way, that we'd argued and he was very worried about me!!!

Manipulative bastard!

What a screaming arsehole this man is, Maristella. But a big pat on the back to you for having spotted it and for standing firm. Each time you see through an unsatisfactory man and bin him, the better your boundaries and your knob radar become.

It would be good to make sure all your friends know, not only that you binned him for whinyness and game-playing, but also that he is being a bit of a pest, so they will a) not engage with him and b) give you a heads-up if necessary.

Best of luck. If you do get suicide threats, ignore: men like this are never so obliging as to actually die and get out of your hair.

He says he is "really happy" for the first time in months after you have ditched him!
I would just have told him that you are glad he agrees the relationship wasn't working and you are happier apart as he was never happy when he was with you so you obviously weren't good for each other.
He sounds rather stupid. If he really wanted to get back together he'd be trying to please you by phoning or emailing you, not just turning up, and telling you he missed you, not how happy he was without you.
His manipulation of your friend was rather crude. As she is your friend she would obviously believe your story over his and once you tell her you've dumped him his text looks a bit silly.
Sad a promising relationship has ended but it sounds as though it was only fun for the first couple of months and he then turned into a bit of a burden. Lovers/ partners are supposed to make your life better not worse.