Feeling hurt not sure if it is reasonable

[Offred]

Dh wrote on the calendar he was out with his friend x last night. Last night was also our mutual friends' last night in town before a big bike trip. On sat DH bumped into the woman he had a long term crush (him repressed and her a bit of a user towards him) on in the supermarket. That evening he mistakenly called me by her name.

I suspected last night would not really be night out with friend x as he has used this as a cover to meet crush before in secret.

Pics turn up on Facebook - mutual friend had tagged me of several of our mutual friends (I met him through them) having a laugh in pub, him sat next to crush. All friends I've not seen for aaaages.

Recently he had got jealous about me going over to see the one who is leaving and staying too long and it wasn't all that irrational, was quite understandable in fact that he would feel that way, so I can understand why he would want to spend time with this guy without me.

I can also understand why he'd want to see all of them without me since although we met independently they are his school friends.

I can even understand why he'd want to see crush without me and am not really arsed (I like her).

BUT I feel so hurt that he has been so secretive about it and deliberately excluded me. Also secondarily that I missed mutual friend who has helped me a lot this year's leaving do :( Not sure where to go from here without him being angry and defensive - how he reacts if he has done something wrong.

Although he is lovely I do have these issues with him occasionally where he will decide I will feel a certain way erroneously and then react angrily if I bring it up. He always calms down straight away and always sees my perspective and feels sorry but I am already feeling fragile just now and feel i cannot actually take the angry defensive reaction if I bring it up.

:(

as you were

Ah I had a good rant at my sister today. She's convinced he is passive aggressively punishing me because he felt threatened by biker and it plays into his feelings of inadequacy.

I've been really busy today with him not home and I stupidly decided to cycle home with the children (cargo bike) down the sea wall which adds an extra half mile to the journey but the wind was strong and blowing straight at me. House is a total state but children have been lovely for once and they are really growing up and I'm feeling quite calm and in control. I think some of my feelings of desperation and being out of control recently have been down to feeling like I am carrying the entire burden of the emotional health of everybody in the family and it feels better to offload his crap onto him.

Financial things we have split. He is useless with energy companies and bills, lets them walk on him, doesn't shout at them but he'd do it if I didn't. He manages the joint account where his wages go, I manage the one where the child benefit goes and my student loan comes out, he has credit cards and I don't, he manages them, he does the mortgage and his taxes, the insurances and vehicles (I don't drive) and I do all the other bills.

I do childcare 5 days, he does every weekend childcare while I'm studying (feb-oct) he puts two children to bed every night when he is here and all four when I have a tutorial/if I'm tired. He often takes them to school. He does housework, he doesn't just make token efforts or do it whenever I can't. I do all the cooking but he isnt home until after the children eat and while I make packed lunches in the mornings he gets the babies dressed cleans their one poo a day so I feel like practically speaking the divisions of labour and responsibilities are pretty fair and equal it is completely the emotional side that wants sorting.

AF - oh that thread, can't face that right now!!!

you are right, offy, stay away from that other thread

Hello. It's really difficult to stand up if you're being trodden on (if you see what I mean). It's fair enough I reckon to go to stuff separately, but surely good manners at the least to explain where / who etc.. It would put my Rat detectors on full alert. He should've at least told you the truth about the event. Secretive is not good. Be alert.

Fucked off that I have had to put the rat detectors on. Tbh it wouldn't take much for me to prefer being alone over any relationship anyway. Feeling withdrawn and pissed off today. Think I have stepped out of the relationship a bit. Not sure what I need him to do. He's texting me little mundanities and it isn't enough... Yet.

Thanks AF - and would you believe it, after your post someone did then turn up on 'that thread' and urged the poor OP to 'get with the programme and watch porn with ur man' .....

Offred by 'rat detectors' do you mean you're in a state of vigilance now?

I was interested that your sister agreed that your partner is punitive. I wouldn't be so sure that it's entirely connected with the biker friend though, but agree that this is happening because of his own inadequacies.

Yeah I suppose so. I'm not able to trust that he is just learning about relationships and has my best interests at heart anymore. What has occurred to me is that this behaviour shows that when it comes to it he is willing to hurt me to benefit himself. The reasons for that might be benign (as above) or not but I would be wise just to remember that simple fact.

I'm lurking on that thread. Not going to post!! Ha ha!

Oh and sorry I never answered about the crush. It has gone on since he hit puberty!!! He is now 34. We met 4 years ago. I've never been bothered about it, starting to be a bit more bothered now because I realised maybe the reason he wouldn't go for her even if she was on a plate just now is not that he loves and wants me but because that wouldn't be what you were meant to do.

On the one hand I think we got married on my schedule and because of my children - for the financial security as I wasn't really prepared to live together too long as a partner and be totally financially dependent on him (no option to work because of his wage/my qualifications) and because I wanted another baby with him and didn't want to be trapped at home all my life our have big gaps and so he is entitled to adjust more slowly but on the other I think 4 years is a loooong time to still be adjusting.

At least he didn't defensively attack when we talked.

I read the first ten posts on that thread and decided to stay away for my own sanity - I could feel my skin shrivelling

I think it's absurd tbh that he's had a crush that long! Is he ever going to get over it?!

I agree that 4 years is a long time to adjust. I was 23 with a 5 year old ds, a mortgage and an abusive ex when I met dh. Dh was 20 and had never been in a relationship. He adjusted fairly quick when he realised he had to grow up a bit (his mum was still making his bed), or he would lose me. I had suddenly realised my own worth and wanted to be respected and loved on that basis. Your sister's reaction is interesting - she can see him for what he is. He shouldn't be punishing you for anything, you've done nothing wrong. I think you need to take a step back and look at this analytically. What do you view his behaviour as from that point of view?

I don't know! I think I need to ask him to explain properly about it tbh.

Analytically I think there is a difference between growing up (your DH) and living alone until you are 30 which involves some shutting down of yourself and your feelings (unhelpful but that's what he did). What matters is is he trying and I don't know about this for sure, it needs more thought.

Also I think some things he has said to me about the biker say stuff about him/us that isn't positive: when I was at biker's until 4am he said he was upset that I would be talking to biker about stuff I hadn't talked to him about. I think that is not what he needs to worry about because of course I don't talk to biker and not him, biker has helped me with my feelings recently but he has helped support my relationship with DH in that way - helped me to talk to him and cheered me up, it is not that I have been talking to him about things. The thing he could be concerned about is what biker shares with me I.e. random things about what he is doing and what he likes/thinks that make him who he is all the time and freely.

Juxtaposed with his complete inability to speak to me about how he really feels or his lack of self awareness or lack I being able to be honest about what he is doing and how he shares his whole life with his friends including crush and biker means there are big double standards in our relationship, probably originating from both of us because actually I am putting more in in emotional terms than he is.

In case anyone is interested there is an update.

I went out on Saturday and got crazy drunk with my friend, I mean crazy, fall down, don't remember things, all day hangover drunk mainly because I'm feeling so bad. so utterly stupid basically.

The dcs all went out with my mum on Sunday afternoon and we had a talk... Well I talked. I said I still felt sad and hurt and that I, on Tuesday, would have happily and confidently said he would never hurt me but that now I feel sad to not be able to trust that.

I said I felt angry that I think he was trying to keep me away from biker when it is biker who has a crush on me but all the time he was deliberately and secretly setting up time with crush and that it is him who has feelings for her so it is a massive double standard and something he is punishing me for when I haven't actually done anything wrong and that makes me feel hurt and humiliated.

I said that because I'm not secretive I am sure that lots of people will be gossiping about biker and I but that because they are all used to his crush they won't notice it and I would feel humiliated if they thought he was keeping me away from biker deliberately which would make them talk more.

So he said there probably was an element of that.

I also said I was worried that he did talk to other people instead of me, he says he doesn't and that he has an entirely internal dialogue that he knows he should share.

He says he knows he needs to be more open generally. I feel sick that he has kept his feelings secret for so long and that I don't know what they are

I said I felt like we were getting on really well recently but I have now realised that was because he was being territorial over me (something I hate) and I felt upset that he had been making an effort because of competition but hadn't done it before out of love for me as I'd thought.

He says there is also an element of truth to that.

However I just feel quite cold towards him now. Like I can't believe that he really loves me anymore and it has just switched my feelings off. Not sure where to go from here. Would like a hug

De-lurking to give ((hug)).

((((hugs))) Offred...... I'm so sorry you're still going through trouble.

Your DH is an unusual guy in many respects, so it's hard to guess why he's acted as he has. What sticks out for me is not your biker mate as such, but his crush and the secrecy. Also his sudden wish to rush off and tie the tubes.

No wise advice but am here and thinking of you.
BTW If you're studying where I think you are, you'll be revising or completing a project, which may or may not be adding to the stress.

Hug here too. Have been thinking of you but nothing useful to add up to now.

Has he said he will try to address this at all or was he just agreeing (to a degree) with what you said? If he is jealous of your biker friend how does he think he will deal with that?

Do you think there is any chance that he might do something like this again?

Yes, I'm studying with OU and I have my last ETMA due on weds. I finished it on Saturday.

Thank you for the hugs.

I don't know what I can trust anymore

He says he thinks he has felt jealous and that is not just about me running off with biker friend but also because he found it hard that I was friendly with him when he feels like he is his friend.

I have opened many conversations over this where he has said what he thought I wanted to hear instead of what he felt.

I don't think you should blame yourself for his lack of communication - it sounds like you opened the door several times but he didn't want to walk through it. He doesn't seem to mind meeting his own, very long term crush behind your back but he doesn't like the fact someone else likes you. That smacks of double standards big time. Especially if he feels you are 'stealing' his friend when you can both just share him! It still sounds like he has some growing up to do.

Good luck with your last ETMA. I did 60 credits of a degree with the OU but switched to a full-time degree as it was easier to time manage (and 3 years quicker!). Is this the last part of your degree?

I think it is that now if he starts opening up and telling me things (and he has actually last night) that I will just feel hurt at the magnitude of secrecy that there has been up until now and that I won't want to know so it will make him shut back down. Hearing stupid things like that he has a fantasy football team just make me want to ball!!

I'm on my second 60 point course. I couldn't commit the time to study full time, too many children!

Feel like he has got what he expected out of me but I'm potentially married to a stranger who has gone to some lengths to conceal himself from me and I don't know what I'm going to find out about him. That all along I though I was marrying someone secure but he was just an insecure person who went to great lengths to conceal it because he knew I needed him to be secure. This thread is very useful to mark the development of my thoughts...