Feeling hurt not sure if it is reasonable

[Offred]

Dh wrote on the calendar he was out with his friend x last night. Last night was also our mutual friends' last night in town before a big bike trip. On sat DH bumped into the woman he had a long term crush (him repressed and her a bit of a user towards him) on in the supermarket. That evening he mistakenly called me by her name.

I suspected last night would not really be night out with friend x as he has used this as a cover to meet crush before in secret.

Pics turn up on Facebook - mutual friend had tagged me of several of our mutual friends (I met him through them) having a laugh in pub, him sat next to crush. All friends I've not seen for aaaages.

Recently he had got jealous about me going over to see the one who is leaving and staying too long and it wasn't all that irrational, was quite understandable in fact that he would feel that way, so I can understand why he would want to spend time with this guy without me.

I can also understand why he'd want to see all of them without me since although we met independently they are his school friends.

I can even understand why he'd want to see crush without me and am not really arsed (I like her).

BUT I feel so hurt that he has been so secretive about it and deliberately excluded me. Also secondarily that I missed mutual friend who has helped me a lot this year's leaving do :( Not sure where to go from here without him being angry and defensive - how he reacts if he has done something wrong.

Although he is lovely I do have these issues with him occasionally where he will decide I will feel a certain way erroneously and then react angrily if I bring it up. He always calms down straight away and always sees my perspective and feels sorry but I am already feeling fragile just now and feel i cannot actually take the angry defensive reaction if I bring it up.

:(

I am hard to live with AF, rationally it is more that me being hard to live with doesn't mean he can treat me disrespectfully.

Madonna - he's emotionally immature and being a dick I am sure.

Doha - ha, this'll sound even worse but he never says sorry! He just is super nice to me until I calm down and I can see he feels guilty and he also changes his behaviour a bit the next time.

Love, the stag thing was the "only time you came close to an argument" ?

Really, you should have come "close to" to giving him his marching orders! Did your life not change in a short space of time ? And you were the one dealing with all the physical side of it !

In my opinion, there are two people doing the headfuck thing here, and one of them is yourself.

I don't think he does feel guilty. I reckon he thinks that if he is nice for a while you will STFU.

And you do.

Then he is horrible again.

Rinse. And repeat.

Oh Offred love--you know you deseve better than to be treated like this

Guilty doesn't cut it with me, he is a grown man who knows full well what he is doing BEFORE he does it.

even if you are hard to live with this is no excuse for knobheadedness.

come on big deep breathe and challenge him on his behavior--don't let him fob you of with excuses. If he gets away with it again unchallenged he will continue to do so.

Believe me you are worth more than you think you are.

Yes, totally agree. I don't even think it is him I'm scared of standing up to. This conditioning is old from my parents and xp. The feelings are also age old. Everything all tied up together. Everyone says it but he gives a lot to me and to the family, he's not a sharer and neither am I, I like the distance but I do draw the line at manipulative secrecy. If I could get some fucking nuts and take a stand I reckon it'd improve muchly.

Suppose I'm afraid of the car crash it would be if I did take a stand and it didn't get better. Do feel like I am reassessing everything just now but then I remember it is over not being invited to the pub and I think that's just petty!

YANBU, I'd be very unhappy about this. He has deliberately excluded you from meeting with mutual friends, he has shut you out. Presumably so he can flirt with Crush so you are not in the way. Don't disguise it.

Whether or not you can put up with this is another matter. Only surely if he has so many other good points that they outweigh this, such as devastatingly handsome, great in the sack, high earner, great fun to be with, etc..

The trouble with secrecy is that it is usually hiding something. Thats the whole point of it. And if he hides one thing, he will hide more should the need arise.

AF - I do think he does feel guilty btw. Just not more guilty than he wants to prioritise himself the next time.

Gee - it is more likely he didn't want me around biker guy than he wanted to flirt with crush cos her partner came along too!

That made no sense! Just not so guilty it stops him prioritising himself the next time!!!

Offred this is NOT petty. It is not just not being invited to the pub..it is the actions before, the deliberate exclusion and secretiveness of his actions.And he has history of doing this.

Doing this once might be forgiven but it is his repetitive actions that make this bad.
I hate confrontation but in this case l think l would be blowing a gasket. If the car crash happens ....well it would just mean that it has happened sooner than anticiapted because it will happen now (If you challenge him) or later if you don't.
Immature inconsiderate lying obnoxius manipulative twat

It's not petty. AF was right - it's humiliating for you. It's like he's editing you out of his life.

Plus there's this whole other issue of him meeting this woman in secret, which is not fucking cool. At all. And it's all being glossed over like it's not a big deal that he told a lie to your face and met a woman he has a crush on behind your back.

His irrational jealousy over you and bike friend is a red flag too. Quite often if someone's behaving badly, they'll project onto their partner and start accusing them of things they're in fact guilty for.

I'm not saying he's having an affair. It sounds like this woman's not interested in him at all. But he's obviously carrying a little torch and his thoughts are elsewhere. Hence calling you by her name.

He's just another immature, lying knob isn't he?

Yes, I suppose it's his problem isn't it if he finds me too much hard work and doesn't do/say anything about it.

He just texted me a kissy face, maybe I should text him saying I think we need to talk but we'll argue and then I won't really see him alone until Sunday night.

But expecting your husband to be considerate of you in general, and especially when you're pregnant with twins isn't being 'hard work'.

You seem to think that it's too much effort for him to treat you with respect and that's somehow your fault.

It's not. It's his. Because he's a selfish twat.

Meh, the jealousy is not all that irrational, biker friend fancies me. I've discussed it openly with DH and I was shitty to stay so late at his t'other day but have been honest and open about it and it's not a very serious thing to me (or biker friend who is single and fancies anyone really) and he lives with his sister and her husband anyway! I actually don't mind him flirting with crush, I do flirting, I thought we had a relationship where that kind of thing was ok. He's not been genuine about it though, he wants to do it but he doesn't want me to.

if he fucked off to a stag party and didnt tell you till he'd gone, I, in your position, would have changed the locks, cut up all his possessions and dumped them in the front garden.

Not helpful I know, but I badly want you to see YANBU, far from it

The difference is Offred is that you and your DH discuss you biker friend openly.
Can you say the same about DH and his crush ?????

Well exactly. It's the double standard isn't it?

He creates a massive stink about you and biker mate. To the point where he's now excluding you from your social group. While the whole time he tells lies to you so that he can get to moon over his crush whenever he wants.

Why does he get to make the rules? Why do you defer to him?

You need to tell him to go and fuck himself really.

No, but then we don't discuss anything about his life openly. He very nearly went and had a vasectomy this week because he thought I wanted him to (?) and changed his mind when I made him talk to me about it!

I think by the looks of things I need to insist on more openness generally.

And I can't blame him completely when I've never actually called him on it properly.

But decent, nice people don't behave like that in the first place.

It's not a case of him just never having been told that you shouldn't treat your wife like shit. He knows. He just doesn't care.

The communication you employ between you seems very off kilter

he "nearly had a vasectomy" because he "thought you wanted him to" ?

How did he come to that conclusion ? Why did he not think through the consequences ?

Because "wimmin want menz to have vasectomy" I fear AF.

I talked through how it compares to other forms of contraception and asked how he would feel if the children fell down a mine and he changed his mind. It is like he is entirely emotionally dependent on me.

Sorry, offy, I am not following his logic there at all

I would actually be fucking furious if my H was going down the line of making a unilateral decision to end my childbearing capacity

Unless he was thinking you aren't going to stay together anyway, you could pop down Waitrose for a bit of naice sperm, or getting a reversal is like having your fillings replaced or summat

It doesn't even make sense

How did you find out he was going to have a vasectomy? Was it by chance or did he tell you?

Does he ever tell you anything? It must be like living with a stranger.