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Original poster

Feeling hurt not sure if it is reasonable

121 replies

Offred · 05/09/2012 12:23

Dh wrote on the calendar he was out with his friend x last night. Last night was also our mutual friends' last night in town before a big bike trip. On sat DH bumped into the woman he had a long term crush (him repressed and her a bit of a user towards him) on in the supermarket. That evening he mistakenly called me by her name.

I suspected last night would not really be night out with friend x as he has used this as a cover to meet crush before in secret.

Pics turn up on Facebook - mutual friend had tagged me of several of our mutual friends (I met him through them) having a laugh in pub, him sat next to crush. All friends I've not seen for aaaages.

Recently he had got jealous about me going over to see the one who is leaving and staying too long and it wasn't all that irrational, was quite understandable in fact that he would feel that way, so I can understand why he would want to spend time with this guy without me.

I can also understand why he'd want to see all of them without me since although we met independently they are his school friends.

I can even understand why he'd want to see crush without me and am not really arsed (I like her).

BUT I feel so hurt that he has been so secretive about it and deliberately excluded me. Also secondarily that I missed mutual friend who has helped me a lot this year's leaving do :( Not sure where to go from here without him being angry and defensive - how he reacts if he has done something wrong.

Although he is lovely I do have these issues with him occasionally where he will decide I will feel a certain way erroneously and then react angrily if I bring it up. He always calms down straight away and always sees my perspective and feels sorry but I am already feeling fragile just now and feel i cannot actually take the angry defensive reaction if I bring it up.

:(

OP posts:
Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 18:02

He told me he was going. We had had a conversation about it before that, sorry have given the wrong impression over that one! I said it should be up to him. I'm happy with the number of children I have, if I wanted to not ever have anymore I'd get sterilised myself and I told him he needed to choose for him whether he wanted it or not and I'd support whatever. I have four already.

He apparently took from that "she wants me to have it so I don't need to think too much about it"

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Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 18:06

If I was desperate for another him having had a vasectomy, i.e. being sure he never wanted anymore would be the end of the relationship.

In all honesty if he did have one I probably would be sterilised because the only thing that's stopping me now is I don't want to fall into using it as my main form of contraception as it is not as effective and can lead to Ectopics. Plus I think I would like to wait to see how I feel when I am really over the twins.

I wouldn't be surprised if he hadn't come out of that last conversation and changed his mind because he heard "she doesn't want me to do it"

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AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 18:07

ok, that has a slightly different slant

but is still pretty bloody senseless to me Confused

it's a passive aggressive thing to do, actually

because afterwards he could blame you, if either of you had need to regret a pretty-much permanent end to the idea of any more kids (assuming he expects you to stay together long term)

"you told me to do it!"

madness

btw, my H had a vasectomy so I do think it's a great decision for the right reasons

Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 18:14

He's just quite dependent when I think it all over. And it is like he thinks I am the boss of his life. And I get pissed off at always being the one that has to decide where we go or what we do or who does it and sometimes he literally comes bothering me over the most utterly pointless tiny decision. Maybe he feels downtrodden by the rules he imagines I am making and that's why he has an annual passive aggressive attack.

I wouldn't have regretted his vasectomy, he might've jumping into it without thinking!

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Doha · 05/09/2012 18:16

My H had a vasectomy becuase we discussed it and neither wanted any more Dc's. A joint verbal decision. Not because either of us presummed the other not to want any more....

Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 18:18

Ah well he has returned home. Confused

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Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 20:12

Oh fuck.

Too angry, can't look at him, couldn't speak in front of childers... Now got to listen to my tutorial. But also now the guilt crap has started, kissy text, just brought me some food... Fuck... Knobhead.

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Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 20:13

What am I actually going to say?

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AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 20:19

Don't say anything for now, offy

Keep thinking, keep chatting to us (and friends in RL?). Get your thoughts straight and have a proper talk to him in a day or two.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 20:22

A couple of hours ago you were just looking for a hand-hold remember ?

Nothing has changed, except maybe some lightbulbs are going off in your head. Make sense of them before you tackle it.

Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 20:32

I know, AF Confused

Don't think I can leave it tbh otherwise it'll poison everything else.

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Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 20:35

Oh FFS I have just taken delivery of a guilt-ridden fucking Eccles cake... Hmm

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Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 20:37

It tastes of soap too...

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lazarusb · 05/09/2012 20:48

A bloody Eccles cake?! Grin A full on slathered chocolate one maybe but....

Sorry to be flippant but... This isn't going to change unless you sit down and talk to him. Why doesn't he want you to be more involved in his life? You are married, not just a casual girlfriend. His jealousy re:the friend needs to be confronted and addressed, especially if you are expected to accept him meeting up with his crush. I think there is a lot of stuff from your past (I've seen you a lot on other threads) that is affecting how you are reacting to this shoddy treatment now and that needs to be dealt with. You shouldn't be second best to his social life.

Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 20:56

Yes a soapy fucking Eccles cake... GrinHmm

All round he isn't bad. I do think it is a lot to do with his being alone for so long and to do with me being conditioned to abuse.

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sarahseashell · 05/09/2012 21:23

you're continually making excuses for him
it sounds like you think you're 'harder to live with' than he is. We're all hard to
live with really but you sound very reasonable and decent. Get a book of amazon on assertiveness for starters? and/or see a counsellor re confrontation - it's something you're always going to have a problem with otherwise and once overcome it will change your life Wink
YANBU by the way, presumably you've got that by now

sarahseashell · 05/09/2012 21:23

*off

Houseofplain · 05/09/2012 21:29

He's never been that considerate of you then? It sounds awful.

Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 21:29

Yes, I do. Its a bit narcissistic really. I think, not only am I a PITA, but that I'm a particularly special kind of PITA.

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Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 21:33

On this thing house no, in other ways very much so! It isn't all bad but it doesn't have to be to mean this thing is bad. It is bad on its own and it can't go on because it is killing the intimacy.

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OneMoreChap · 05/09/2012 21:42

Nah, you've been honest and open with him about everything in your life. You explained there was no issue about you round at that blokes till 0400.

He's being a user and a dick; you and DC will be well rid of the needy get.

sarahseashell · 05/09/2012 21:44

I think you need to ask yourself why you are being so hard on yourself and so charitable towards your dh. Do you just fall into a pattern of blaming yourself? Perhaps it's easier to blame yourself rather than look at his behaviour as it really is Sad
What particularly struck me from your thread was the crush woman smiling and saying to your dh it was nice to see him at the pub. Sad IMO anyone would feel pissed off and shit about this. It's not unreasonable in any way, I'd be fuming that he'd lied. He knows what a shit thing to do that was, what on earth was he thinking, sitting there with all your mutual friends while you were stuck at home having been lied to? It really is appalling behaviour, but you don't seem to believe you deserve better which is really sad.
I very much doubt you are a special PITA or in any way narcissistic - is this relationship denting your confidence/self belief or has it always been an issue?

Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 21:51

My ability to value myself has always been shit. It is good now in comparison. I was going to say it is the best it has ever been but no, this is actually denting my confidence now because I feel like I'm having the piss taken out of me when I'm giving and sharing (really for my own benefit because I want to not be a shitbag) and he is making me feel humiliated and unwanted.

Honestly I'm not bothered about him speaking to or seeing her though, it's so insignificant and I like her and think its quite normal to have crushes. It is just shit to make it a secret unnecessarily. I wouldn't even have been bothered and am pissed off he's bothered about biker fella but not got the guts to admit it.

I've pulled myself out of worse things before.

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Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 21:54

Keep thinking how much happier I was on my own, not all of that is down to him, most of it is having too many children and the occasional stress from him also stuff that has gone on recently, how maybe I'm just not cut out for a relationship but then that's just a cop out.

Need to get back to angry and out of pity really.

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Original poster
Offred · 05/09/2012 21:56

I think it is worse because I literally don't have anyone to talk to in RL. Don't want to ruin my friend or my sisters' birthdays, he went out with loads of our friends, didn't want to rant at biker who is actually off and for obvious (crush) reasons. So that leaves MN.

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