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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anyone offer any insight into his feelings regarding his ex wife?

88 replies

3NonBrown · 05/09/2012 07:14

Ive been seeing someone about 3 months. Great guy, ticks all the boxes, he's funny, respectful, kind, always thinking up things for us to do, texts me every day and we see each other a lot. We've had many in depth talks and have been very intimate - I'd even go as far as to say I'm falling in love with him. He's always making arrangements to see me and is very loving when we do see each other and recently has been hinting at a long future together so I have no doubt that he IS interested in me.
The ONE problem I have with this guy is that he talks about his ex wife a lot. They were together almost 20 years so I expect her to pop up in conversation when relavent - of course she is a huge part of his history but he often starts full conversations all about her. Why they broke up, why they didn't get on, why it all went wrong, holidays they had etc etc.
I have spoken to him about it and he reasured me that he didn't love her, had no intentions of ever getting back with her and was sorry he spoke about her so often. I let it go. He didn't mention her for a while and then it started again.

I was very frank with him and said if he DID want to give things another go with her, I'd happily stand aside and let them get on with it. He was mortified and said no way did he want that, he wanted me, he wouldn't have got divorced if he still wanted her etc.

So again I let it go.

Now, Monday night was the first time we'd seen each other in 2 weeks due to us both having holidays and later in the night he started on about her again. A full on conversation about her - in which he said he didn't love her, but he missed her. Missed the good times they had and the things they did. He then said it's natural to feel like that and I suppose it is but to tell your new partner that you miss your ex???

Now this is where it gets wierd. Last night he took me to his mother's house for a coffee (he's staying there whilst his house gets sold, I know this to be legite) and as we approach the house he says "oh I've just thought, my wedding pictures might still be up here!" he said it in a way that he was pretending to be mortified by this but secretely wanted me to see them. I could just tell his horror wasn't genuine.

When we got in the house he immediately started looking around the walls - blatently looking for the wedding picture but making out that he was just showing me his childhood pics. He then brought down a load of photo albums and I could just tell he had every intention of coming accross the wedding pics. When he did he said "oh no, my wedding pics are in here - do you want to see them? you can if you want" - he WANTED me to see them, it was obvious.

Why???

If he was like this and showed no real interest in me it would be obvious what was wrong but he's amazing to me and really seems to adore me.

What's going on??

OP posts:
BumptiousandBustly · 05/09/2012 07:18

No idea, but it's not good! I would get out now!

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 05/09/2012 07:23

Honestly?

No matter what he says. I don't think he is over his wife and he is definitely not ready for another relationship.

It's a very unhealthy situation for you as you are basically in competition. I'm not saying he's a bad man or that you shouldn't ever have a relationship with him, but not for a few months.

Mama1980 · 05/09/2012 07:24

No idea what he is doing but it doesn t sound good-sorry. Very odd behaviour especially as you have been honest and spoken with him about his ex before. My parents have been divorced for ages would never dream of showing old photos like that to their new partners in fact they've been consigned to the bin I think.

Doha · 05/09/2012 07:26

Sounds like has isn't really over his ex and the life that they had. It is very rude and inconsiderate to talk about her to you of all people, does he think you are his counsellor!!!
It's only been 3 months 3nonbrown and you have had to ask him many times not to discuss her and he has basically disreguarded your request.
I would think very carefully about this relationship, not sure that it is healthy. In fact sod it --l would get shot of him he has had his chance.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 07:27

He sounds rather strange, tbh

And like he doth protest too much

Why did they split, btw ? Or at least what has he told you about why they split ?

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 05/09/2012 07:27

Also, he is using you to counsel him through his breakup, you are like the worlds most awesome councillor in that you provide a listening ear and sex at the same time.

Great for him, not so much for you.

[Bitter voice of experience]

3NonBrown · 05/09/2012 07:28

They've been split over two years though and he tells me it wasn't working/no intimacy for a year before that. Deep down I know he's not over it Sad I don't know what to do, even if I just told him to stop talking about her, he's obviously still thinking about her constantly.

We're next going out Friday night and I'm staying over at his house. I'll see how the night goes and if she pops up in conversation again but anything other than significant detail I'll have to tell him we need to reconsider things Sad gutted but have no intentions of trying to compete for him.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 05/09/2012 07:29

OK, how long have they been apart? Who instigated the split?

It has the potential for weirdness, but it may just be that he wants you to know his history, I'm not sure.

If she instigated the split and it's not been that long, then he's still pining for her and you need to get out. If he instigated it and it's not been that long, then it's not that surprising that he's still reminiscing about it.
If it's been more than 5 years and he's still going on about it then get out, he's never got over it.

Thumbwitch · 05/09/2012 07:30

xpost, sorry.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 07:31

Are you his first relationship after her ? Kids from the relationship ?

It sounds like a rebound thing, sorry

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 05/09/2012 07:32

Split for 2 years and he's still wittering on?

That is not good. Does he have children with her?

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 05/09/2012 07:33

Sounds to me like he left her and now regrets it Sad

3NonBrown · 05/09/2012 07:35

No he was seeing someone else 6 months after they split for around 6 months but they broke up as he was not over his ex wife.

See this is another thing - in what way did this woman realise he wasn't over his ex? because he was displaying the same behaviour with her as he is with me?

He's a very open and honest person. Opens his emails in front of me, checks his texts in front of me, plays his answering machine in front of me when he has no idea what's on there so it doesn't seem like he's an untrustable person and I honestly don't think he has much contact with his ex wife apart from to do with the kids but why does he feel the need to talk to ME of all people about her - especially when he knows I'm so insecure about it.

OP posts:
crackcrackcrak · 05/09/2012 07:36

On the one hand it's a bit odd but in the other that's 20 years of his life - a huge part of his identity.

Sounds like he wasn't expecting it to end and maybe he's in shock?

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 07:37

Does he have no (other) friends to talk to ?

3NonBrown · 05/09/2012 07:38

But at the same time he seems so committed to me. For example he's booked something for us to do next June so he obviously see's us going the distance. Last night even hinted at waiting to buy another house until next year as he'd like to think there was a possibility that I'd be ready to share a house with him by then.

He has two teenagers to his ex. I have two young teens and we've not met each other's children yet.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 05/09/2012 07:38

As someone else said he doesn't sound like a bad person. He's just not ready. I would be really really honest with him and say "I really really like you. The way things are going I'm going to fall in love with you. But Despute what you say you are clearly not over her. Fry some counselling from relate and call me in six months".

If you don't you are going to get v v hurt.

Chubfuddler · 05/09/2012 07:39

*try

Thumbwitch · 05/09/2012 07:40

I think you may need to employ some plain talking, OP.
If he starts showing you his wedding photos, you have to ask him "why do you want me to see these?"
If he starts talking about her, ask "What do you expect me to say about this? You aren't together any more, why are you telling me this?"

Yes it's his personal history, I can understand that - I still occasionally talk about things I did with my exF, but only when subjects that are relevant come up - and I mostly don't mention him in conjunction with the experience if I can avoid it.

He may think he's being very open and honest with you but actually he's not being that honest with himself - and he's being somewhat unfair on you - so you need to challenge his motivation in continually going on about her. If you don't like the answers, then you need to let him go. :(

3NonBrown · 05/09/2012 07:41

He works in a very male orientated environment (engineering) and by the sounds of it, his mates just rip the piss out of each other and there is little "heart to heart" that goes on.
I know he's not over the death of his father either but I'm quite happy to play councellor for that one - just not divorce councellor to the guy I'm really falling for. I keep thinking if we did go the distance, will he always compare me to her? will I always feel like I'm in competition? He was saying the other day that he hopes she finds someone like he has. Personally I think he'd be gutted if she did.

OP posts:
ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 05/09/2012 07:41

It doesn't matter how committed he claims to be (sounds like he just trying recreate his marriage stability tbh)

Talking about his ex is showing you huge disrespect. It's a contest you can never win.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2012 07:42

Very strange

I would also say he was moving far too fast. Delaying buying a house so he can move in with you ? What does that mean ? Do you think he might be angling to move in with you sooner rather than later ?

He is giving you very mixed messages, and tbh, none of them sound good (including the hurrying this relationship along). With several teenagers (and a very "present" exW) in the mix, you should both be taking it very, very slowly

ToothbrushThief · 05/09/2012 07:46

I was married for over 23 yrs. I found it very hard in the first 3 yrs not to constantly think of him. I did not want him back but memories of everything involved him.

It has not affected my relationship with my partner. He tolerates it but I do also edit my gob Grin I'm aware that talking about him obsessively or constantly is really not on.

I now have new memories. He's fading.

The wedding pics.... er bit odd. I'd like my partner to know who I am and where I have come from IYSWIM but it might include lots of photos and not neceassrily wedding ones (in fact mine are hidden away)

Guess what I'm saying is it's normal to think a lot about a past life. What is not normal is not recognising that to move on he has to parcel her up and mentally dispose !

marshmallowpies · 05/09/2012 07:46

If you've been in a long term relationship before its very hard to talk about your past without the ex coming into it - e.g. 'when I went on holiday in 2000, x happened and y happened and my ex said...' - it's hard to share anecdotes & experiences pretending they happened to you alone when your partner knows full well you were with your ex at the time!

Having said that, no I don't sit down and show DH photos of me and my ex together - I don't really have any pictures of that period, but even if I did, I wouldn't!

3NonBrown · 05/09/2012 07:47

"sounds like he just trying recreate his marriage stability tbh"

That struck a bit of a chord Sad

That would explain his rushing of the relationship - trying to recreate what he had with his wife.

OP posts: