Anyone offer any insight into his feelings regarding his ex wife?

[3NonBrown]

Ive been seeing someone about 3 months. Great guy, ticks all the boxes, he's funny, respectful, kind, always thinking up things for us to do, texts me every day and we see each other a lot. We've had many in depth talks and have been very intimate - I'd even go as far as to say I'm falling in love with him. He's always making arrangements to see me and is very loving when we do see each other and recently has been hinting at a long future together so I have no doubt that he IS interested in me.
The ONE problem I have with this guy is that he talks about his ex wife a lot. They were together almost 20 years so I expect her to pop up in conversation when relavent - of course she is a huge part of his history but he often starts full conversations all about her. Why they broke up, why they didn't get on, why it all went wrong, holidays they had etc etc.
I have spoken to him about it and he reasured me that he didn't love her, had no intentions of ever getting back with her and was sorry he spoke about her so often. I let it go. He didn't mention her for a while and then it started again.

I was very frank with him and said if he DID want to give things another go with her, I'd happily stand aside and let them get on with it. He was mortified and said no way did he want that, he wanted me, he wouldn't have got divorced if he still wanted her etc.

So again I let it go.

Now, Monday night was the first time we'd seen each other in 2 weeks due to us both having holidays and later in the night he started on about her again. A full on conversation about her - in which he said he didn't love her, but he missed her. Missed the good times they had and the things they did. He then said it's natural to feel like that and I suppose it is but to tell your new partner that you miss your ex???

Now this is where it gets wierd. Last night he took me to his mother's house for a coffee (he's staying there whilst his house gets sold, I know this to be legite) and as we approach the house he says "oh I've just thought, my wedding pictures might still be up here!" he said it in a way that he was pretending to be mortified by this but secretely wanted me to see them. I could just tell his horror wasn't genuine.

When we got in the house he immediately started looking around the walls - blatently looking for the wedding picture but making out that he was just showing me his childhood pics. He then brought down a load of photo albums and I could just tell he had every intention of coming accross the wedding pics. When he did he said "oh no, my wedding pics are in here - do you want to see them? you can if you want" - he WANTED me to see them, it was obvious.

Why???

If he was like this and showed no real interest in me it would be obvious what was wrong but he's amazing to me and really seems to adore me.

What's going on??

3NonBrown - A hunch (as someone who is perhaps a bit too similar) and a question: Why did you get attracted to psychology? Given your psychology, the fact that you are now in a caring profession, and that you said you are more than willing to be his grief counsellor wrt his father (hope I got that correct), my feeling is that you are both playing roles here.

Your DP is patently not over his wife and, yes, he needs counselling. He is avoidant, ambivalent and he is planning a future together to shore up his sense of identity.

However, what's more important, perhaps, is the investment you have in finding yourself falling in love with a man who is like this with you, and who meets your own needs in terms of the caring role that you play, and which you are prepared to move into your personal life.

I have learned - am learning - that you cannot be a counsellor to your lovers in any way, shape or form. It sets up a dynamic that is hard to break, and it is obviously feeds a need that you're not meeting elsewhere.

Be your own counsellor: find out what you need to give to yourself so that you no longer feel that your value is in what you can give to your partner. That will shift the choices you make as to the men you enter into a relationship with. There are no short cuts, and it takes time, but, shit, it's worth it.

He sounds like a drama queen who wants attention. It's almost as if he wants to provoke a situation where you're having to strive to outdo his ex, to gain his affections. Or even wants to cause a high drama situation where you're begging him to stop talking about her and he "just can't although he loves you" and it's all weeping in corners and tearful declarations. Urgh.

I don't think you like him that much, not really. I HATE the idea of him bombarding you with problems while you're on holiday. Unless they're your fault or he needs you to sort them right now (and I imagine they're nothing to do with you) why is he pestering you? You're not his mum.

I'm so sorry. Relationships eh? :(

3Non the ex W is only his current obsession. If it was not this, it would be something else. There will always be something else. This is the major issue.

He is already erratic and demanding. This is how I see your potential future with this man.

Once you are settled into his domestic routine, you will fail to do enough for him. You will tie yourself up in knots trying to help him, prove you love him (although you will never quite be able to love him enough in his eyes), bolstering his ego, listening to his world view. When you do not meet his needs, have stepped yet again on an eggshell you will be subjected to sulking, withdrawal of all that affection, and he will never really be there for you (for he will always manufacture have a greater need). You may find yourself conflicted between his needs and the legitimate needs of your children once they are into the mix, he may have a crisis just when they need your attention.

Lovely post, conflug. I've slipped into that counsellor role far too many times, sadly many men seem to expect it (and in fact them having a proper counsellor as well may make matters worse rather than better, if it gets them used to people sitting and listening to them for hours - it's just that you don't get paid).

Blowing hot/cold is the worst, for that alone I'd leave it. He sounds like a nightmare and the obsessive talking about his wife is not normal. Similarly rushing your relationship along at the same time as fretting about conflicts between kids? He's a massive conflicted mess imo. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

ok then

3 months in...

1. you have alarm bells ringing about his neediness

2. he plays mind games

3. he is trying to rush your relationship for reasons unknown, but they are not likely to be good ones

4. you are finding his over-analysing irritating and draining

5. you realise you will become more and more an emotional crutch to him

6. he appears to have put you on a pedestal, and we all know what happens when you can't live up to it

7. some issues are no-go areas when you should be able to talk about anything

8. most importantly you are already modifying your behaviour 3 months in

What would you say to someone else at this juncture ?

yes, you got it. Get out now, before you get sucked in further and before it gets waaaay more complicated by your respective kids meeting and his feet are under your table

And I echo that the 'shifting moods' are the real issue.

yes its the moods. Blowing hot and cold puts you on the back foot. With my ex I never really knew if I was going to see him as he could be cold and then all over me. It was damaging. A steady mood is something I will need from now on + positivity

Maybe he just doesn't see anything wrong with talking about her. Maybe in his "world" - among his family - everything gets discussed.

If I was in your situation I would want to know who wanted to end the marriage - him or her. And since he's so keen to discuss his marriage -ask him if you can read the divorce petition. That might give you a clearer insight into the marriage and why it really ended.

"he sent me a message with problem after problem he was having - I felt emotionally drained."

He's an emotional vampire: "someone whose life revolves around drama. they often pull you into their drama and guilt trip you into being their friend and putting up with them. dealing with them is often emotionally draining"

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=emotional%20vampire

"Typically, emotional vampires are all about them as opposed to you. So they will talk about their problems ad nauseam without reciprocating the gesture and let you get a few things off your chest."
friendship.about.com/od/Friendship_Definitions/g/Emotional-Vampire.htm

Why on earth would he talk about here all the time. I barely mention xw. Did she sling him?

I'd walk away.

I wonder if he's deeply insecure, and is constantly testing you and your feelings. Its a control thing, if he can 'test' you, like deliberately engineering you seeing the wedding photos (wtf?) and you still like him, it bolsters his ego - he's feeding off you, if you see what I mean.

I don't think you should see him - I think he'll hurt you. Ultimately, after just 3 months, you shouldn't need to analyse him and his motives like this - it should still be the 'honeymoon' period!

Good luck - look after yourself.

Hell NO...get out. You will always be 'second fiddle'.