Anyone offer any insight into his feelings regarding his ex wife?

[3NonBrown]

Ive been seeing someone about 3 months. Great guy, ticks all the boxes, he's funny, respectful, kind, always thinking up things for us to do, texts me every day and we see each other a lot. We've had many in depth talks and have been very intimate - I'd even go as far as to say I'm falling in love with him. He's always making arrangements to see me and is very loving when we do see each other and recently has been hinting at a long future together so I have no doubt that he IS interested in me.
The ONE problem I have with this guy is that he talks about his ex wife a lot. They were together almost 20 years so I expect her to pop up in conversation when relavent - of course she is a huge part of his history but he often starts full conversations all about her. Why they broke up, why they didn't get on, why it all went wrong, holidays they had etc etc.
I have spoken to him about it and he reasured me that he didn't love her, had no intentions of ever getting back with her and was sorry he spoke about her so often. I let it go. He didn't mention her for a while and then it started again.

I was very frank with him and said if he DID want to give things another go with her, I'd happily stand aside and let them get on with it. He was mortified and said no way did he want that, he wanted me, he wouldn't have got divorced if he still wanted her etc.

So again I let it go.

Now, Monday night was the first time we'd seen each other in 2 weeks due to us both having holidays and later in the night he started on about her again. A full on conversation about her - in which he said he didn't love her, but he missed her. Missed the good times they had and the things they did. He then said it's natural to feel like that and I suppose it is but to tell your new partner that you miss your ex???

Now this is where it gets wierd. Last night he took me to his mother's house for a coffee (he's staying there whilst his house gets sold, I know this to be legite) and as we approach the house he says "oh I've just thought, my wedding pictures might still be up here!" he said it in a way that he was pretending to be mortified by this but secretely wanted me to see them. I could just tell his horror wasn't genuine.

When we got in the house he immediately started looking around the walls - blatently looking for the wedding picture but making out that he was just showing me his childhood pics. He then brought down a load of photo albums and I could just tell he had every intention of coming accross the wedding pics. When he did he said "oh no, my wedding pics are in here - do you want to see them? you can if you want" - he WANTED me to see them, it was obvious.

Why???

If he was like this and showed no real interest in me it would be obvious what was wrong but he's amazing to me and really seems to adore me.

What's going on??

are you a psychologist???

if so, could be why he thinks it's ok to lay it all out in front of you.

It's so hard I know this sounds ridiculous but I think I actually love the man. These past couple of weeks my head has been ringing alarm bells at me and I've tried to detach. I've kept myself busy, seen friends a lot, joined a gym - I suppose I'm trying to prepare myself for break up but I feel sick when I think about actually doing that as I want to be with him so much.

There was one day last week, I was on holiday and he sent me a message with problem after problem he was having - I felt emotionally drained. I feel already like he relies on me for emotional support and I feel under pressure as a result but at the same time, I just can't seem to walk away.

I have a degree in psychology but never actually worked as one. He knows this but to be fair, he behaved like this before he realised I had the degree.
He knew I was a nurse though. I sometimes get the feeling he wants looking after.

sounds like it

Trust your instincts OP.
Too intense...that's what it is.
Plus, you're accepting a role that really isn't appropriate for you. Messages about problems? Gah!
Even my mates don't do that - and neither does my husband. They'd get on my wick if they did. Hate to say it but he sounds needy - and the needy are selfish.

Don't allow yourself to fall in love with a known needer. Step back - wait it out. Put the brakes on. You know this.

Its obviously just too soon after the break up for him, even if he doesn't realize it right now. Tell him, take a step back, and see him again in a few months.

I have a truckload of ishoos at the mo but there is no way I'd be focusing on them in a new relationship. I'd find that boring and I'd want to have some fun to get away from them iyswim. especially in a new relationship - new beginnings and all that.

Another thing I've noticed (sorry, just sounding off now) is that he seems to like mind games. If I seem keen and text a lot or add kisses on the end of my texts he starts to play it cool, takes longer to reply, keeps messages quite 'cool', no kisses and no 'cute' comments. If I play it cool, don't answer messages straight away, stick to short, sharp replies - he ups his game, adds kisses on to his texts, says he's missing me, can't to see me etc and as SOON as I start being nice again, he cools off again.

I get mixed messages from him all the time. I used to think it was me being paranoid but no, I really do think he likes to mess with my head - either intentionally or sub-consciously.

Like last night - he picks me up, he's all cool and almost 'offish' in the car. We go for dinner, barely speak a word to each other, I'm sat thinking "oh dear, what's going on now ... " then he suggests we go for a walk. Normally he holds my hand on our walks, last night his hands was dug firmly in his pockets. We get back to the car an hour or so later, he asks if I want an icecream then as we're sat in the car he starts talking about how he wants us to think of stuff we can do together over the next few months and how he wants to put off buying a house as he feels he should consider my needs in a house first with a view to perhaps moving in together next year - So I'm thinking "wow, bit of a personality turn around there, maybe I was just being paranoid..." and then boom with the wedding photos.

Talk about headf*ck.

" I sometimes get the feeling he wants looking after."
I think you've just answered your own question.

It does sound a little like he he is stuck in his ways, and those ways are man of x age, married with children. Not so much missing the ex W as missing the set up he thinks he should have. He also seems to be bitter about something and wanting to get back to what he thinks is on track. I would agree he needs counselling to sort himself out, just not with you. Do you think as a psychologist you are used to listening and accepting when actually on a personal level you simply want to scream at him to STFU and move on respect your feelings? Not that you are encouraging him at all, just thinking of patterns. Either way, he needs to be told and deal with it or you will have to move on.

Ooh, with your latest post 3NonBrown, regardless of what his feelings are for his ex-wife - just step back from this relationship. Nobody needs to be toyed with. He wants you there for him, but isn't there for you. You talked in your first post of him ticking all the boxes, but your last post makes me think that all the good stuff is only superficial. Down deeper, not so good.

My opinion is that this guy is a headfuck. He's got you all tense and guessing, and counselling him over his ex wife.
That's not kind of him, or loving.

YOU are kind and loving. That's what he sees. Direct it towards someone who doesn't make you work for the same in return.

Sorry, crossed posts with your latest OP. Messages on holiday, no. This man will eventually drain you emotionally and in any relationship would forever put his well being above yours.

Affirmative Helen. I agree.

Or in other words - bail out now before he gets right under your skin.

As Helen says. Its All About Him. The creepy wedding photo thing - its all about Him (no sense of how it might affect you).

Other questions to ask yourself? Is he good in bed (honestly, or a bit weird?) Does he respect your views and really, genuinely like you? Is he a bit weird about money? etc etc. But it sounds like your alarm bells are ringing anyway ...

I'd be a bit worried about him seeing the end of his last relationship as a "failure", because if you do go further into the relationship, he'd be desperate not to "fail" again and could react badly to you not wanting to pay out the cosy marriage scenario as it exists in his head.

Couple that with the mixed messages he's giving off and I'd say nah, trouble ahead.

That said, I may be the only person who doesn't have a problem with showing off the wedding photos. Maybe he just thought he looked particularly good that day and wanted to show off his youthful beauty.

I went out with a man who sounded like this....my self esteem suffered as a consequence because it was such a mindfuck. I am just getting myself together again and it has taken some time. Id say dont do it.

He was kind, generous, decent, good in bed, full of compliments about me, had me on a pedestal, saw a future for us, changed his behaviour, became more settled, wanted to see me all the time.

I thought it was amazing...we were in love...BUT

He pined for a life he had lost. A life with a family, sitting around the table, spending holidays together. He indulged his children
He hated his ex wife for what she had done to their family (she had an affair)
He rushed our relationship along. Never once did he ask what I wanted, how I felt. It was all about HIM and HIS feelings for me.
He made judgements about me. I worked too hard, I found it hard to maintain a relationship, I was selfish, I left him alone too long etc.
He had made up his mind that I was going to leave him at some stage. He never told me that.
He wanted me to be tied to him. But he never asked me what I wanted to do.

But when we were together it was amazing....

But he would cool off if I was going to do something that didnt include him
He would cool off if I didnt show enough affection towards him, based on his judgement
He would walk around with his hands in his pockets harboruring a greivenace against something I said or something I was going to do (based on his assessment of me)
He would cool off if I didnt take him up on an offer of financial help.
He would be cold towards me for no apparent reason
He would put his work first
He would tell me how I was feeling, what I was thinking.
He never appreciated what I had done..only what I hadnt done

The point is, these people will only think of themselves and how they are feeling. Emotionally they are never going to take into consideration how you feel and you will know that if he had ever asked YOU how you feel and how you see things going.

Its not respect. Sorry for long post but your situation reminded me of mine.

can't help noticing that when his ex wanted to get back together he dug his hands deep in his pockets responded with horror. ie if you're hot, he's cool...

erm he sounds like a nightmare tbh. I'm sorry but this really doesn't sound good at all

I am coming at this from a different angle.

I met my husband when he had been separated from his ex wife for approx 3 months. He talked about her all of the time and yes he did try to show me his wedding pictures.

One day we had arranged to go out and as i walked in to his house he said 'Guess what? ive been looking at ex wives fb account and....'...This is where i stopped him and told him in no uncertain terms that this had gone on long enough and that i'd had enough and that i was walking away.

He stopped me and talked to me, apologised and explained that he just still felt caught up in it all.

He then completely cut off contact with ex wife (other than about the children) and things dramatically improved.

We have now been together for 7 years and married for 3 years and he is mortified with what happened at the beginning of our relationship.

Thanks to everyone who has replied, I've read each message and taken on board what everyone has said.

Slight change of plan, I'm meeting up with him this afternoon as he's asked me for a favour (first one he's ever asked me for to be fair) so I'll see how he is today. I'll report back later to let you know if his ex gets mentioned this afternoon!

Anyway, I've decided the next time she comes up without a relevant reason I'm just going to be straight with him and say "can we not talk about your ex all the time? it makes me uncomfortable as I said before" and see how he reacts. Last chance. If it continues I'm going to tell him straight that whether or not he still loves her, he's obviously not over the divorce and I'm not the right person to counsel him through that.

Sounds like a plan!

good plan...

but it's the controlling shifting moods that is the big red flag in my book. sorry

" I'm just going to be straight with him and say "can we not talk about your ex all the time? it makes me uncomfortable as I said before" "
Lay the emphasis on the words as I said before!

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