Anyone offer any insight into his feelings regarding his ex wife?

[3NonBrown]

Ive been seeing someone about 3 months. Great guy, ticks all the boxes, he's funny, respectful, kind, always thinking up things for us to do, texts me every day and we see each other a lot. We've had many in depth talks and have been very intimate - I'd even go as far as to say I'm falling in love with him. He's always making arrangements to see me and is very loving when we do see each other and recently has been hinting at a long future together so I have no doubt that he IS interested in me.
The ONE problem I have with this guy is that he talks about his ex wife a lot. They were together almost 20 years so I expect her to pop up in conversation when relavent - of course she is a huge part of his history but he often starts full conversations all about her. Why they broke up, why they didn't get on, why it all went wrong, holidays they had etc etc.
I have spoken to him about it and he reasured me that he didn't love her, had no intentions of ever getting back with her and was sorry he spoke about her so often. I let it go. He didn't mention her for a while and then it started again.

I was very frank with him and said if he DID want to give things another go with her, I'd happily stand aside and let them get on with it. He was mortified and said no way did he want that, he wanted me, he wouldn't have got divorced if he still wanted her etc.

So again I let it go.

Now, Monday night was the first time we'd seen each other in 2 weeks due to us both having holidays and later in the night he started on about her again. A full on conversation about her - in which he said he didn't love her, but he missed her. Missed the good times they had and the things they did. He then said it's natural to feel like that and I suppose it is but to tell your new partner that you miss your ex???

Now this is where it gets wierd. Last night he took me to his mother's house for a coffee (he's staying there whilst his house gets sold, I know this to be legite) and as we approach the house he says "oh I've just thought, my wedding pictures might still be up here!" he said it in a way that he was pretending to be mortified by this but secretely wanted me to see them. I could just tell his horror wasn't genuine.

When we got in the house he immediately started looking around the walls - blatently looking for the wedding picture but making out that he was just showing me his childhood pics. He then brought down a load of photo albums and I could just tell he had every intention of coming accross the wedding pics. When he did he said "oh no, my wedding pics are in here - do you want to see them? you can if you want" - he WANTED me to see them, it was obvious.

Why???

If he was like this and showed no real interest in me it would be obvious what was wrong but he's amazing to me and really seems to adore me.

What's going on??

Agree that talking about ex in the context of history is normal, 'ex and I went on holiday to xxxxx'

Telling you that he misses her though...

Calm down. This man spent 20 years (presumably all his adult life) with this woman and she, for better or worse, has influenced him hugely. He needs to work through it.

FWIW, my MOL had lots of weddings pics of DP and his exW all over her sitting room in large silver frames for ages after DP and I were together. She even added a pic of DP with DD to them. So what? That was her life and she had every right to it.

I have been with my DP for ages now and of course he still talks about his exW a lot and about things they did together. It doesn't mean he loves her (he really doesn't and I have never been the slightest bit concerned that he does).

Sorry if that struck a cord 3Non

I have been there and it sucks

Another thing - I'm quite an "adventurous" person and always looking for "first time experiences" to do. One of which is one of those dutch dash things on the ferry - I mentioned it to him and he said "oh yeah, I'd love to do that, always have but the ex would never go"

Now he does this alot "I love travelling but the ex hated going long distances so we never got to go to x, y or z"

"I'd love to try that but ex would never have been up for it so we missed out"

etc etc! Sometimes he sounds quite bitter about the whole thing.

It sounds as if he wants to try the same things as you and is explaining why, despite wanting to do those things, he wasn't previously able to. Nothing wrong with that.

I sometimes feel like I'm treading on egg shells though - I'm getting to the point where I darnt mention certain things as I know it will trigger a marathon of ex talk. I don't want it to be like that. The list of stuff not to mention is growing.

He doesn't sound like he's over her.

Instigate a conversation and tell him you want a break because of this. If he feels he no longer has to keep mentioning her in conversations, tell him to give you a call.

It was two years ago and though perfectly normal to bring the ex up occasionally, this sounds like she is in his mind too much.

Tell him to see a shrink if you cannot bear him talking about her. You cannot prevent him needing to talk about her/his past life, so find someone else for him to do it with.

I think you should try having another chat. make it a bit clearer that this is bothering you a lot now and ask him to tone it down - obviously you realise she's going to come up in conversation sometimes, so re-iterate that, but just tell him how much it's bothering you and the things that you think are excessive.

Communication is vital after all.

Then if he still carries on being a bit odd about it at least you tried.

Bonsoir I don't mind him mentioning her, I occasionally mention my ex but not to the extent where I spend up to an hour reminiscing out loud to my boyfriend about it.

Referencing is inevitable but it's horrendously insensitive, bad manners and extremely dull for someone to harp on about their ex all the time. Doesn't matter why he does it. I'd dump.

Always a bit concerned about men who rush relationships... It's rarely a good sign.
OP, something is very plainly going on here, but I'll put my hands up and say - no idea what. Something though. And you don't split from someone of 20 years for no reason.

...this must play hell with your self esteem :(

It sounds like he's not quite over her yet and puffins post about recreating marriage stability also sounds very plausible.

It's the showing you the wedding pictures that bothers me. I can sort of understand her keep coming up in conversation, after 20 years she's bound to have been a huge part of his life and so it's natural she'll have been involved in almost every story he references, although it's terribly insensitive not to self edit those stories around his new girlfriend. Surely its natural not to talk about your ex in front of your new partner? But the pictures? Why is he showing you the wedding pictures?

The fact that you have asked him several times to stop mentioning his ex so much and he still hasn't would concern me. I would give it one more go; bring it up again and tell him how much it hurts you, you feel like he is comparing you etc, and suggest he goes for counselling to deal with the break up. You could potentially still salvage the relationship if he actually takes on board that his comments upset you and if he does something about it. If not then I would let this one go before you get any more involved.

The wedding photos didn't bother me - it was 20 years ago, it didn't even look like him. It was so far removed from the present day that it didn't bother me at all, what bothered me was the fact that for whatever reason, he wanted me to see them. Why would you do that? I've not known him that long, could be possible that he's the kind of person that likes to play on other people's insecurities? I know he likes to create problems - he's forever analysing potential problems of things that won't happen for years, stressing over stuff that might not even happen at all etc.

He's text me today, all friendly, asking how DS got on at school (first day at secondary) - does he even realise the photo thing was inappropriate? I think he does as he said last night "I've freaked you out with this haven't I? sorry ... " so why do it?

Why do it?... For whatever reason this is preying on his mind. What he has to do, however, is think before he speaks rather than just blurt out whatever is top of mind. That's how most people behave after all. If we all went around impulsively saying or doing things without applying any kind of self-censorship or working through the likely consequences a little, we'd be in massive trouble.

OP he could get a kick out of trying to make you jealous, does that sound plausible?

He also could be rushing into a relationship in order to forget his ex, but it's having the opposite effect, as these things often do.

I would advise telling him straight- 'you talk about her a lot, I don't think you're recovered from the split'. And 'I'm uncomfOrtable that you talk about her a lot, and showed me your wedding photos.'

If he doesn't shut the fuck up about his ex, I'd walk away if I were you OP.

I once went out with someone who quickly revealed he was still obsessed with his ex. His ex was Irish, with dark hair and blue eyes. I'm Irish, with dark hair and blue eyes...I didn't pursue that one!

Good luck OP

I was just about to say what marshmallowpies said: it is hard NOT to ever mention your ex if you talk about your life and you were with them a long time, BUT The photos thing is weird, especially as you already said you were narked that he was always mentioning her. Plus is he talking about things that happened with her OR is he talking about her?
When looking through a family photo album with my current husband we did come across a couple of pics from wedding no 1 that I had missed when I threw the others away, but luckily they were just of friends at the reception or one or the other of us alone. Would have felt horrible if they were couple-shots.

He's grieving. but you aren't his therapist! he's probably a 'share everything' kind of guy - but you aren't his mother, either! It is significant that his last relationship ended because he was not over his ex - think what that poor woman went through, probably exactly the same as you're going through now (and it didn't let up after 6 months...)

He needs to see a therapist to work through his grief at the end of his marriage. no ifs or buts on this one - it's his job to carry the weight of his grief, not yours; and if he's struggling to bear that weight then he needs professional help. some people have a kind of 'take it away from me' mentality about difficult emotions. It's time for him to be an adult.

I'm afraid it does sound like he's recreating his marriage with you, to somehow try to paste over, circumvent, the huge gaping hole the end of his marriage left. sorry honey.

I was wondering if he was trying to make me jealous but why? I'm not a jealous person - it's not jealousy that is eating me up right now, it's hurt more than anything. I fully appreciate they have a huge history and she's a massive part of his life but at the same time, I don't want to be placed in a situation where I'm forever playing second best to another woman. I can imagine if we ever got married - would he just be thinking about his previous wedding day as we're stood at the alter?! I can imagine the Ross and Rachel scenario - "I take thee ... Rachel ... err I mean Emily!" lol

It's not funny really, it's cutting me up a bit to be honest :-( I know we've not known each other long but we've become so close it would really hurt to break up now. I kind of feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do I just end it now and save myself anymore hassle or risk continuing with something that could potentially implode and take me down with it?

He doesn't just talk about stuff she was involved in - he actually talks about her.

Friday will be D-Day. Maybe not a good idea since it's a bit of a piss up - drunken confessions and all.

you say he's very open and honest. Is he someone who hates small talk, doesn't understand it and wonders why people don't say what they mean? Does he fixate on other topics, other than the ex?
I think springy and puffin might be right about recreating stability.....

Oooh OP, this is hard.

My first thought is that you are only three months in. There should not be this angst after three months. It should all be dates and laughter and good behaviour. This guy sounds quite intense. He pontificates on stuff and is stuck in the past.

I agree that he is trying to create stability with you, but given his preoccupation with wifey, I'd say he's not ready to give equally back to you. I think you'd be selling yourself short to make any commitment to this man.

You're not his mum, or his therapist, or his sister. This talk is not for your ears. It's socially inept of him at best...very inconsiderate, especially as you have stated your case on the subject to no avail.
If he can't help it, then he's not ready to be someone else's partner. If he can, then he's toying with you, and that OP, is not nice.

He does fixate yes, another thing he's fixated on is the potential of his kids being jealous of mine. They've never even met yet he plays out all these scenarios in his head about this and that happening, conversations it would create, arguments that would happen - I'm like "why you getting so upset over a scenario you have literally invented out of nothing??" and he admits that he does over analyse everything. I think he's still analysing his marriage.
Yesterday he joked "we're both failures arn't we?" I'm like "why are we?" and he said we'd both failed because our first relationship didn't work out.
My reaction was "no, I'm not a failure at all" and he backtracked pretty quickly. I know he feels guilty about the kids but ffs, they're 15 and 16 years old and he talks like they're a couple of 5 year olds that don't understand anything and that have been mentally damaged forever because their parents split up.

Good for you OP - that was a good response.
Very telling how he views the breakdown of his marriage though. If he were ready for a second relationship, he'd not give it the gravity of 'failure' but think of it as 'in the past'.

Aww OP - he's not ready for you, but he doesn't think that's important. Unfortunately for you, it really is.

The psychologist in me is thinking as he feels like a failure because his marriage didn't work out, does he feel that by creating another marriage situation it will somehow cancel out the failure of the first?

Thinking about it, he does seem quite mentally unstable. I don't mean that in a bad way, I honestly think he needs counselling. Not just about the ex wife but about whatever has happened in his life that has made him like this.

I know his ex wife attempted to get back with him early last year and he refused it so maybe he doesn't love her - he just can't get over the whole situation.

Oh and OP - it is worth saying that my thoughts would be the same, had you been seeing him for a year.
From an outsider's pov, to be having this upset after three months, is a no goer. I appreciate though, that you have developed feelings for him...so it's not that easy to just walk away.

But your logical mind must tell you that you deserve better than this.