Hi Forestfly
I can't say whether this woman is genuinely trying to help or whether she is being a cow, but she definitely has it wrong, either way. She thinks she has all the facts, and this is most unlikely given your ex's track record. I loved your remark about October, bet that gave you satisfaction, thinking of the ensuing conversation between them...however, it would be best not to indulge in this sort of thing in future.
A tactic I found worked really well for me with my obnoxious ex was to be polite, friendly and helpful at all times, even when he was being unreasonable. Sometimes I would be seething with anger inside, when he was being unfair or incredibly rude and insensitive, but I kept up the impassive front.
For years this served me well. He always thought I was on his side, although I wasn't. So he was less abrasive and a little more cooperative. It also helped when his girlfriends became difficult, as I knew he would be telling them they were the unreasonable one, since he got on so well with me.
It meant the kids never had to witness arguments. It meant that he thought he could trust me and talk about his business in front of me. So I was kept informed about some things. He probably thought I was still secretly hankering after him, but I didn't care because I knew with his ego that he would want to keep in with me to have that flattery.
At every turn he thought I was deferring to him, when all the time I was really contemtuous.
I found that when I really needed him to come through with arrangements I was able to mention the fact that I didn't ask for much, and always fell in with his requests, and this helped make sure I got my own way. He had a lot to lose by upsetting me, so he thought twice about doing so.
This worked for me for many years until the contact came to an end. In the end it amused me that he thought so much of himself it was easy to perpetuate the myth of the discarded woman who still wanted to be his friend. I had the postition of power, but he thought he had.
It gets to be a right laugh when the wronged girlfriends of these a**eholes malign you at first (when they are fed lies by him), then gradually become confused and doubting, then finally come to you for advice on how to handle him (this has happened to me time and time again). What makes them think you are going to care?? What are these people on? It has been quite an incredible exercise in observing human behaviour actually.
Take the upper hand, girl. It's best done without him ever knowing.