Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

[Alicetravellingviawonderland]

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

Houseofplain could you please tell me what I've done? I'm completely bewildered by your remarks. You've headed up your last post with my name so is the 'stealth troll' remark also directed at me? What do you mean by that?

No it wasn't aimed at you. That's why I used a paragraph.

It's also why in the quote I used about the nastiness I used a sentence. "what op needs to understand is". You telling op what she needs to think. Next sentence what other people said.

Sweet Jesus.

Perhaps it depends how old op is? I am 40 and I know all the men in my life have used porn and I have no problem with it

*And you know that all these women are 'probably' from a history of abuse and rape? How exactly? What about the people who I, and others know who are categorically not from that kind of background or anything like it? Of course, they are all going to be the minority now I'm sure.

I'm sorry, but all pornography is not filmed using abused and raped women (or men).*

If you do your research, many "performers" will have either been trafficked, forced or groomed into the industry. Some who go in willingly have been made to do acts that they didn't consent to. Many performers often had difficult childhoods and experiences which meant they are more vulnerable to being pushed into porn.

You have to look very hard to find ethical porn - even home made films might have been sent in without full consent of the other partner. The vast majority of online porn is what you would call "mainstream" i.e made by non ethical producers.

As for the fact that that the women you are watching may not have been abused - how would you know? even if only one woman was abused, I still wouldn't want to take part in this horrible industry.

You can't compare food, clothes etc with the sex industry - you can't exactly go without food and clothes but surely you can go without needing to use porn. There are alternatives - e,g erotic books, your imagination....

Hi Alice, only just seen your post now and I haven't read through the whole thread so forgive me if this is a little outdated but:

For you , in your circumstances, I don't think this is anything to worry about. You have said that you are happily married with a good sex life. To me this means there isn't a problem.

I'm afraid I agree with your husband that most men do watch porn and he probably didn't tell you because after being with you for such a long time he would have k own how you'd have reacted.

You say you don't no whether to believe him. Well there is nothing to say he is lying is there?

I think that counselling etc for your husband is an overreaction, I think he loves you very much to say that he'll go. The problem I see is that you are kind of proving to him why he should have not told you about it.

As hard as it will be I think you need to try and relax a little bit and really listen to what he says about it without telling him conditions etc without fully understanding him. If he says he only watches it occasionally then why not believe him?

You have a happy life and a good husband, IMO you still have a happy life and a good husband.

No, but if you cared all that much about exploitation then you could source ethically produced food, clothing etc, but you don't do you.....

Yes I do actually :) do you?

Fwiw I do, but in that case what was the point of your post above

You can't compare food, clothes etc with the sex industry - you can't exactly go without food and clothes but surely you can go without needing to use porn. There are alternatives - e,g erotic books, your imagination....

Some some people the choice to buy non ethically produced food/clothes is restricted by their economics - not everyone can afford organic. Choosing to wank over mainstream porn is not the same as choosing to buy farmed chicken to feed one's family when on a very limited budget.

Love the way this thread went from choking the chicken to buying free range chickens

Sorry one more thing, I think your husband needs to hear from you that you still love him. I hope you can get yourself to a position quickly where you can give him a big hug and tell him that you love him. I really feel for both of you but he needs to know quickly that although your still shocked you are sorry for overreacting.

Masturbation and porn are completely separate things IMO.

I am quite at all of you telling the op how she is meant to feel about porn.

I also think it doesn't matter about what other people do, or what is "normal". What matters is how you feel.

You have had a big reaction to this and I think it would be wise to examine the reasons why. Is it the secrecy? Is it the porn? Is it using the family computer? Is it all three and/or other things? Why do you feel so strongly? Have you had a discussion about porn with your dh before? Then you will be able to have a more rational and productive discussion about how each of you feels and how you move forward.

I also don't think it makes it better if he kept it secret because he knew she would react badly, that is really crappy behaviour towards a partner IMHO.

You may have initially overreacted (counselling, giving up on marriage) but equally, you don't have to underreact now if you don't want to. It's up to the two people concerned to decide what is and isn't ok in terms of porn use, I wouldn't want my husband regularly doing this in the family home or on the family computer, I just don't want it in my personal space. We agree on this and I don't go snooping about when he's away.

Finding your dad watching porn in your own home is deeply disturbing, let me tell you. Using the family computer would be an absolute no no for me.

It's up to you, now you have calmed down a bit, to talk it through. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to accept porn use into your relationship, just because some people are fine with it. Good for them- now decide what is ok between the two of you.

Some some people the choice to buy non ethically produced food/clothes is restricted by their economics - not everyone can afford organic.
True, although what I was saying had nothing to do with buying organic or free range! Many people do have a choice and just choose not to think about about trafficked and abused women and children making their clothes for a penny or the many thousands of babies dying horrible deaths due to unethical practices by companies like Nestle or child slavery when they eat chocolate or the deaths involved in them having a pretty bauble on their finger.

mumsyblouse Good post. It is up to each couple what is OK in their relationship.

Me and DH have used porn in the past together and seperatly. I personally have no issue with it and find it strange that people think any differently. That was until I met my mates new GF about 6 yrs ago and she was totally opposed to it as she felt it was all sex workers and women forced to do it. We had a conversation about it and I can see her point of view even I dont agree with it. She still doesn't like it - each to their own!
Someone should have told Jenna Jameson that in the height of her career that she was being forced. Although from what I gather, she has schooled herself and her brother and is producing films not starring and earning a fortune doing something she enjoys.
If I were you, i would explain how you feel about the porn itself and the fact that he has had to keep it secret from you. Its not a deal breaker for me, just a dip in the road that needs ironing out.

Most men do watch it, I know dp does when I'm not around.., my attitude is that as long as it is non violent with fully adult females then I don't care. If it was gay porn (or worse, kiddie stuff) he was into, you'd have a problem!

I can't actually believe. Gay porn and child porn have been mentioned in the same sentence.

How utterly offensive

house of plain I too am shocked

Houseofplain & beesnees

I do see what bobbledunk means, though. I don't think she is comparing them for moral "wrongness" - as you say, one is heinious and the other simply a matter of choice - but neither would bode well for a marriage...

I feel sorry for your poor DH, counseling, breaking up a 21 year marriage because of that, seriously? Is the poor man not allowed to have a secret garden? Does he have to report everything he does? Are you his teacher? That'd be a deal breaker for rme, someone wanting to be part of every aspect of my life, all the time. How claustrophobic. What freedom is he allowed then?

Hi OP, Hope you are feeling a bit better today. I have just stumbled across this thread so apologies if i'm a bit late to the discussion.

From your posts it seems that there are 2 separate issues. 1 is porn - which a lot of people don't like on principle, but do not mind their partners masturbating. 2 is the 'deception' you feel from having one aspect of your husbands life you are not part of.

It appears the 2nd issue is what is upsetting you most. The 1st is a personal choice of what you feel about the exploitative nature of porn. However, the second is more complicated and, i think, i bit more unusual. I think you may want to question why you feel you must be a part of every aspect of your partners life. Even if you are friends and share everything it is not unusual to have things just to oneself. In fact i think most people would find it necessary.

My DP and i are very close but we expect the other to have some privacy and space to have individual pursuits. If the other was masturbating instead of having sex then that would be an issue. But if it is as well as then neither of us are bothered.

FWIW i hate the ALL men look at porn opinion, and that if it's 'normal' it is better than (gay or child!!! that they are said together). DP doesn't look at porn because he has fetishes so the things he looks at might be worse for some people but personally i would rather someone get titilated over inanimate objects than exploiting vulnerable people. However, i often fantasise about women (not because i am gay) so don't see why my DP can't fantasise about men etc. I would be much more distressed (and would feel irrationally rejected) to find out DP had been looking at more beautiful/young/fit women than me. So tbh i'd rather a bit of gay!

Anyway, i suppose the upshot of what i'm rambling saying is that it is quite unhealthy to want to be part of every aspect of anothers life. I do hope you feel better tho OP. I know it can be a shock and i have felt betrayed over similar before.

I agree with OliveAndJim, poor husband