Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

[Alicetravellingviawonderland]

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

I think getting over their DPs watching porn is something virtually all women have to do. Sooo many men watch it in the circumstances your husband describes (and others no doubt). It's no reflection of the woman or the relationship.

I would try to forget and understand it's nothing personal.

we don't know the actual facts though, as to how many married men or those in sexually fulfilling r-ships watch it. Apart from those who are satisfied enough with the real sex and don't need more, there are those with not much interest in sex, and there are also men with high morals you know, who think it's wrong. Men in sexless marriages are a different matter (unless also in the last category).

Mrs JM...you can find porn that is not one sided and does seem to show mutually satisfying experiences as there is now a big market for porn aimed at women. Whether most men who use porn search for this though is very debatable. Men can be exposed to porn from a very young age and nowadays it's not even a home laptop that is needed. You can access it readily on iPhone for example.

Clearly it affects the OP and other posters and doesnt affect others.

Hi Alicetravellingviawonderland. I could have written your opening post 17months ago. The only things I would have added is that I was pregnant at the time and DH knew exactly how I feel about porn - I'm firmly with the Radical Feminists on this one.

It's taken a lot of time for me to stop being hurt by the lies. But I do now feel that it was a bump in the road that's behind us and I trust him again. I was so so damn sad that he wasn't the man I thought he was but I can now finally see that more or less, he is a decent man.

Be kind to yourself. Hope he can work out how he can deserve to regain your trust.

Does him masturbating bother you OP or specifically the porn use? I presume you also masturbate, do you always tell him when you have done so?

My Son is nearly 13 and I am worried about what he could access on the Internet . I know he looked up "porn" on the iPad as I saw it in the recent searches. I know at this point he was just curious to find out what it actually meant, but I have a H who has always looked at porn and IMO it has led to real problems in our sex life. I just think its too young and damaging for a young teenager to see that type of thing ( I have looked at H's Internet history and the porn is so anti women and degrading, and the language in the titles is so violent it's much more hard core than the videos and mags etc that were around years ago.) I would love some advice on how to block these types of sites on the computer.
I did think the OP was over reacting and a little naive, although she isn't alone in disliking porn and wishing for a more honest partner. It must have been a shock to discover he'd been keeping something secret if under the impression that they had a perfect relationship, whatever the secret.

Do you share your sexual fantasies with your husband, Alice?
Do you tell him what you are thinking about when indulging in some "self loving?"

Your sexual fantasies are private, they belong to you, and unless you engage in sharing your fantasies with each other while pleasing yourselves (masturbating ) together, then I dont see why he should tell you he has been using online porn as a masturbation aid.

I can imagine the conversation, haphazardly over dinner, putting the fork down:

"Hey, Alice, you know those online porn sites? I use those when masturbating, to help me come. What about you?"

I guess this is where Alice would pick up he pitch fork and spoon ....

That is what it is. It is not cheating, or not deceit. He probably did not think it was such a big deal. You are overreacting.

As for porn. In theory, I dont agree with it. But that is by the by.

Omg Quint you just articulated my point of view so well! I have clumsily blathered on this thread, but I meant what you said. To a tee.

fantasies while masturbating aren't the same as watching porn, for a start they don't tend to be violent or degrading for most or at least many people. It's not the same as watching real women with their bodies in graphic detail being used as sex objects. Fantasies for may involve celebs or people they ve never seen naked but jus fancy, maybe random strangers, or indeed own partner but in unusual scenarios like being watched etc. Or god forbid just purely own partner based on what happened last time thye had sex. There is no real harm to real women in just THINKING about sex, or looking at skimpily dressed young women walking around and fantasising a bit.

I think Op doesn't seriously think of ending marriage, but they need to talk and if this, or anything else, makes her unhappy he should listen and see what's more important for him (and vice versa). the good thing is, he doesn't sound addicted.

I think for me OP it would depend on a few things:

Have you ever asked him if he uses online porn and he's said no? Which means he's lied to you.

Did he know how you feel about porn and that you would be upset about it and carry on and do it any way? So decieving you.

I suppose he would have to delete the history with it being a family computer.

My ex used to hide in the bathroom and look at porn on his phone, or use the laptop and delete history, denying all knowledge etc - that used to upset me as he was deliberately setting out to hide it from me, so my problem wasn't with the porn (although I don't like it and some of the things he was looking at made me feel ill) but with the lies - I hate being lied too.

If he had no clue how you feel and hasn't lied to you about it then I would probably let it go - although if he carried on and tried to keep it a secret I would think we had a problem.

In 8 years he's been a good and attentive husband (I'm assuming), he's still the same man.

Although to be honest, when I found what exp had been looking at it changed the way I looked at him, I suddenly found him sleazy and cheap and lost a lot of respect for him. But, that is how it made me feel and he knew I would feel that way. Which is why he hid it. I couldn't decide whether he had a right to view porn and fantasise to it (after all I use a vibrator) or whether I should insist he respects my feelings and stop (but would I have thrown my vibrator away had he have asked?) I have no problem with him masterbating as long as he doesn't wake me up but the whole porn industry makes me feel queasy and it also made me feel insecure about myself.

So, in summery, my long ramble concludes me to say: I don't know and you have my sympathy.

MrTubs I have reported you as although I feel that the OP is over reacting, your post is just horrible.

And no I am not particularly sensitive, but this was just uncalled for.

Unfortunately mick, stupid, childish posts like yours only fuel the flames for the 'all porn users are as bad as rapists' brigade!! Ffs, can't you make a point about your porn/masturbation habits without resorting to crude language and insults?

Fwiw, essentially I understand the gist of what you are saying, but you couldn't have worded it any worse!!!

I am a female, and I know my dh uses porn occasionally, which I don't mind about in the slightest. He doesn't tell me when he does, but the odd time I've noticed history etc. We have also used it together, and shock horror, I have been known to look at it on my own. I resent the insinuation that I am either actually a man masquerading as a women, or a 'failure' to the female population! I don't consider myself 'hip' or 'cool' either, and don't strive to appear so.

I am just a normal woman, with a happy marriage and a healthy sex life (when not sick and pregnant). I don't deny that there are certain parts of the porn industry which are exploitative to women, but disagree strongly that it is all like this. I have two friends, and an ex who were in the industry themselves and they would laugh if anyone were to refer to them as exploited.

OP, I can understand your shock, but in answer to your question, it's not unusual for men, and women of all ages to look at porn occasionally, and very few are addicted or need counselling. Unless you have already made it clear to your dh that you find porn use unacceptable or feel he has outright lied to you about his use of it, then IMHO, I think it would be very unfair on him to throw him out or ask him to seek counselling. Maybe now is the time to discuss your feelings and boundaries wrt porn use, but also as an adult, you cannot forbid him to do something which he does in private (although he may well out of consideration to you decide not to do it any longer). He shouldn't be made to feel dirty or ashamed though, just as he shouldn't make you feel that way for eg. using a vibrator in private or reading erotic literature.

I hope you two can work this out, and am glad you say you are feeling a lot calmer now. Take care.

Same old mass debate about masturbation..
The ones who don't like never will, and the rest, ahem, get on with it.

To those who watch porn and are women or have daughters/sisters - can you tell us how you can justify getting off knowing that the women in the film are probably from a background of abuse and rape?

Does OP object to masturbation though?

Or porn?

They are not the same thing. Fantasies do not harm anyone. Porn harms a lot of women.

I feel more worried for my dd than my ds because I hope to god her boyfriends don't grow up thinking that what is depicted in porn is what a sexual relationship is all about. I am going to make damn sure that she knows she does not have to be treated like that by any man in her future relationships.

Masturbation is completely different. Most people do it and as far as I am aware, no-one objects to it.

And you know that all these women are 'probably' from a history of abuse and rape? How exactly? What about the people who I, and others know who are categorically not from that kind of background or anything like it? Of course, they are all going to be the minority now I'm sure.

I'm sorry, but all pornography is not filmed using abused and raped women (or men).

Your over reacting. Massively.

What Quint says :)

Have you asked him outright before if he looks at porn and he's denied it, or has it just not come up and you've come across this?

If the former, then yes you have the right to feel a bit stung.
If the later you need to get a grip, really.

Lots of men and women look at porn. Its not all degrading crap. A lot of free porn is now from "normal" couples uploading their home videos. Professional porn I feel a bit more negative about.

Think you're overreacting to claim he's addicted - if he was addicted, he'd been on them constantly, and running up bills to look at pay for sites. Obviously its upset you, so you need to talk to him about it, but also think you need to relax a bit.

To those who watch porn and are women or have daughters/sisters - can you tell us how you can justify getting off knowing that the women in the film are probably from a background of abuse and rape?
I've actually seen porn being made (some friends were in it) and that was made by a big UK producer, and I've met some other people who have done it too. I really don't think it has the same ethical issues as prostitution at all and I really disagree with with the idea that it's all/mostly violent or degrading. There is ethically produced porn, just like there are some ethically produced diamonds.

I don't know the answer. I'm quite happy to be taken to task over the ethics by anyone who boycotts companies like Nestle, doesn't own a diamond, researches the working conditions of every single of item of clothing they purchase, doesn't take drugs, only eats ethically produced chocolate etc.

OP, I hope you are feeling better today and are able to talk to your husband about the issues surrounding your discovery. I think it does make a difference as to whether he actively lied about it, or just didn't tell you.