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Original poster

Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

349 replies

Alicetravellingviawonderland · 03/09/2012 16:59

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 03/09/2012 19:33

it's normal and natural

So when your DD's new acting gig leads to the release of 'BlackTie does Blackpool', you'll be delighted and telling all the rellies will you?

Doubt it somehow.. Hmm

Houseofplain · 03/09/2012 19:41

Mirry. There is a difference in giving an opinion. Then being just plain nasty and telling people what they should be feeling, thinking, what is normal. That they "need" to understand.

Don't get angry now because people have called you on it Hmm

Mellower · 03/09/2012 19:54

We used to watch it together pre-internet days, that was fine but teenage porn that was just sick.

JustFabulous · 03/09/2012 19:55

"Justfabulous - well how else will she be able to deal with the negatve cooments?
The OP posted her concerns on Mumsnet. Some people think she is over reacting; others don't. I haven't made any nasty comments."

mirry2 - that makes no sense.

mirry2 · 03/09/2012 20:06

Houseofplain, who's angry? You are one getting worked up about it all. I think you are being nasty - towards me! I was just responding to the op's post, as was everyone else.

Oakmaiden · 03/09/2012 20:11

Hullygully - I don't think it is "fine and dandy".

I have explained to my husband the reasons I strongly dislike it and feel uncomfortable at the thought of him watching it.

However - he is an adult. I have no right to forbid him to watch it.

I try not to think about it now.

Houseofplain · 03/09/2012 20:16

Add message | Report | Message poster mirry2 Mon 03-Sep-12 19:08:40
Oh forgodssake she asked for opinions and she got them

I am highlighting. There is a world of difference in giving, valid, calm opinions.

To ordering what the op needs to understand. Which you did. Then calling her a prude, hysterical. That op needs to get a grip and wind her neck in. To out right taking the piss. Which the percentage of posts were on this thread up to a point.

thebeesnees79 · 03/09/2012 20:30

I am on the fence a little here. op did you really expect your husband to ask permission to look at porn? would that have made you feel better? I very much doubt it.
on the flip side if my husband was looking at porn I would be upset and angry.
Your husband hasn't cheated on you though physically has he? If it was cyber sex where another woman on a web cam was responding then I would totally get your reaction as that imo is one step towards cheating.
Talk to him and tell him you are uncomfortable with porn and he needs to respect your wishes and not look at it anymore. I hope you manage to sort things out but please don't be too hard on him x

bleedingheart · 03/09/2012 20:43

I think I would be upset to find out something like this about my partner. When we say we share everything we don't mean every thought and act but if you've been with someone and then find they have a habit or hobby you knew nothing about it can shake you.
If I found out my DH was having a fag every time I went out I'd be shocked and upset.
BTW my DH used porn in a previous relationship (often at the instigation of his ex) but stopped when he saw a documentary about the realities and admits he found it 'unsatisfactory' and viewed it out of boredom and to please his ex. Not every man is furiously self-abusing to youporn the minute their partners leave the room!

mirry2 · 03/09/2012 20:50

Houseofplain

'To ordering what the op needs to understand. Which you did. Then calling her a prude, hysterical. That op needs to get a grip and wind her neck in. To out right taking the piss. Which the percentage of posts were on this thread up to a point.'

I think you must have got the wrong poster Confused

JustFabulous · 03/09/2012 20:59

You said it at 19:08, mirry2.

Houseofplain · 03/09/2012 21:42

I haven't Confused

tawse57 · 03/09/2012 22:11

All you lot whose own sexual issues manifest themselves via disgust that your husband's look at porn - just wait till you discover your son(s) viewing it on a regular basis. Or your daughters for that matter.

If you thing porn is disgusting you really need to seek counselling rather than projecting your issues onto your husbands or sons.

mirry2 · 03/09/2012 22:15

Justfabulous and houseplain, I didn't order her to do anything and I certainly didn't call her 'a prude, hysterical. That op needs to get a grip and wind her neck in. To out right taking the piss'.

To say someone needs to do something, especially in the context it was written, is not an order and no reason for reporting my perfectly innocuous remarks.

Southfacing · 03/09/2012 22:15

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

likeatonneofbricks · 03/09/2012 22:24

most modern porn is violent/humiliating towards women, I don't see how it's 'nothing' or normal. I could understand if a man had no sex life with his wife but if htey have regular sex it is NOT necessary. If he was single he can do what he likes, but if itupsets his wife , surely it's not WORTH it!?

likeatonneofbricks · 03/09/2012 22:25

cross post with South, and i replied not even reaching last page!

babyboomersrock · 03/09/2012 22:27

tawse57 - I'd feel exactly the same if any of my sons or my daughter used porn. If something is wrong, it's wrong, even if my children do it.

What an extraordinary suggestion - that we seek counselling. For what, exactly? For thinking that the porn industry is sick, and exploits vulnerable people? Or are you assuming that because some of us despise the use of porn that we have no sex lives ourselves? That's incredibly naive.

likeatonneofbricks · 03/09/2012 22:28

tawse, her son isn't married and he is young and learing (not that i think porn gives realistic or loving view of women!), her dh IS married and promised to be faithful forsaking all others, she expected no interest sexually in other women.

likeatonneofbricks · 03/09/2012 22:28

learning, not learing

Fairenuff · 03/09/2012 22:30

just wait till you discover your son(s) viewing it on a regular basis

That's an interesting point. I did discover my son showing an interest in porn (and he's only just turned 13). I spoke to him about it and explained some of the exploitation that goes on in the porn industry.

I said that it was natural to be curious but what he might see in porn is not what most people experience in a natural, loving relationship, that the sex portrayed in porn is designed to target specific audiences. We also talked about how the women are real people, with real lives and families.

I think it's important to discuss this with our teenagers, when it is appropriate and using appropriate language. My son can get a much more balanced view by discussing this in a safe environment. I would rather he were able to make a informed choice and not just be told that it's normal for men to look at porn and they all do it, therefore implying that if you don't like porn there is something 'wrong' with you.

He is an individual and, as can be seen from all the different replies on this thread will have his own opinion and decide where his own boundaries lie.

mirry2 · 03/09/2012 22:32

Houseofplain - This is Goldchilled's post previous to mine that I agreed with 'OP is not that we're not being supportive. You've got the right not to like porn but you're not being fair on your husband. Myself and others are just trying to show you that is not an abnormal thing that he has done. About sharing, that's all very nice, but everyone also has the right to their privacy.'
So offensive that I need reporting?

Mellower · 03/09/2012 22:34

Tawse

If you have lived with someone constantly looking at it, hiding doing it, deleting history, finding discs falling out of wardrobes full of it then you would get sick of it to, I was fairly open minded, but teenporn is sick, especially when it's an adult male watching it!!!

As I said earlier we used to watch it together, I remember my father watching it, well hiding a video when I was younger "bills big bananna" and I wtched that too and found it hilarious...my ex just took the piss right out of it and now I hate it so yes I most definitly do have issues with it now.

Not every situation is the same, like I say I try to keep an open mind but when that has been abused it messes with your head. So yes you are correct, my 12 year olds friend was looking at it the other week and I caught him and yes I gave him a huge talking to. My son is not completely innocent and he may look at it but I would hope never to the level his sperm donor did, although the steroids may explain some of it, he was addicted.

likeatonneofbricks · 03/09/2012 22:35

good point, Fairenuff. lots of teenagers learn seriously nasty attitudes from porn, and getting it in the open as a mother is the best thing you can do.

MrsJohnMurphy · 03/09/2012 22:38

I'm kind of on the fence too, obviously pretty much any "free" porn on the internet is almost universally horrid and degrading to women, I think you would have to be quite determined to find porn which showed a mutually satisfactory experience with no abuse whatsoever.

But on the other hand, I don't think your dh actually resolved to lead a secret life, I think people do deserve a private life, even in a relationship. I doubt he ever thought "Oh I'll keep Alice in the dark regarding my occasional wanks to internet porn" he probably just thought that it was a private thing.

Honestly I have seen such random stuff on the internet half of it links from here I'm sure an objective view of my whole google history would be horrifying. I'm not a deviant, but my internet history is my business, I get really really fucked off if dp views my posts here, which he has in the past. In turn when I cared was paranoid I have searched his history.

I don't think it would be fair to end your relationship over this, you need to communicate, by his reaction I'm sure he would be happy to forgo the porn, he sounds mortified.

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