Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

[Alicetravellingviawonderland]

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

"Houseofplain, she's upset but needs to understand that it isn't a big deal to most people."

mirry2, why does she need to understand? It is totally irrelevant what other people think. This is about her husband and her relationship. To her, it is a big deal.

I dont think you have over reacted by being upset that your dh has kept this a secret from you. I do think you are over reacting with regards to the porn but the I like watching porn both with dh and by myself.

Talk to your dh about your feelings but personally would not be a deal brraker for me...

Pictish - *Secret porn use is definitely NOT on - this is taking away energy, time and other resources away from the relationship.

Blethers. That's just not true. At all.*

And your reasoning is.....?

Yes it is true, I have done my research and also sadly I have experienced this to be true

There are loads of articles and case studies about men being addicted to porn and how marriages/relationships are being destroyed. Also children are growing up with very warped views of sexuality and women

I am shocked at how nasty some posters are on here - poor OP

OP - hope you are ok, your feelings are valid and you have the right to feel this way.

He was physically sick all day? I feel really sorry for him. There was a time, when I was younger and quite insecure about everything, when I would have reacted in exactly the same way as you have done, OP, so I do understand how you are feeling. If I'd caught my husband watching porn I would have assumed he didn't love me or didn't find me attractive any more - but I know now it doesn't mean any such thing. Think about all his good qualities and please forgive him.

If I'd caught my husband watching porn I would have assumed he didn't love me or didn't find me attractive any more

I don't really think that's the aspect that most bothers OP, it certainly isn't the aspect that would most bother me either.

you are both overreacting - him being sick?!

you are being nuts

Choc - i'm mot saying it never happens. I know it does. In the case of my own marriage though it is not the case, and nothing even approaching.

Lookm- I'm inclined to agree about the porn industry being exploitative, and that it objectifies women...and that is something I'm currently taking an interest in, as feminist issues often do. I'm not going to argue on the score than porn can be addictive either, for I know that's true too.

BUT - that is not really what's up for discussion on this thread. The issue is the OP's sense of betrayal and shock...which I genuinely feel is an overreaction, given that her marriage is reported to be good.

Jeezo poor man!

He has been physically sick over this? How much of a overreaction did you give for this to happen?

My dh watches porn (occasionally) I'm bloody sure I will not be cancelling my broadband so he isn't tempted to have a sneaky wank every few months.

Should I be pissed off that he does not ask my permission to touch his own body? I don't ask his permission to get my rabbit out.

Justfabulous - well how else will she be able to deal with the negatve cooments?
The OP posted her concerns on Mumsnet. Some people think she is over reacting; others don't. I haven't made any nasty comments.

People, even married ones are allowed a private part of their minds - its is unreasonable to expect your DH to share absolutely everything with you.

I don't think he has done anything that needs forgiving, and you need to reset your expectations.

I feel really sorry for the poor man tbh.

Why does masturbation have to involve using porn?

Many men have managed to wank before the advent of porn and many modern men wank in the shower etc without needing to use porn.

Masturbation is NOT the issue here. Porn is.

OP, please forgive me for being blunt, but was your DH your first sexual partner? (i.e. have you had limited experience of relationships prior to your marriage?)

MadAbout It sounds like the porn in question is fairly vanilla.

Had it been some hardcore BDSM porn then I would agree with you.

irrespective of our opinions though, if the OP requires a DH who has/will never use porn then she will be fishing in a very small pond.

That's irrelevant Cake

The OP has asked 'what's normal, what's acceptable?'. Other posters have told her what they think.

It saddens me to see just how many posters on do not care about the fact that women are being abused, raped and injured (some film sets are said to have medical people on standby for stitching) while being filmed in the porn industry

Orgasming over these images is so wrong and sick

I thought in these days of broadband etc all men looked at Porn.... this would not be a deal breaker for me - my DH has told me he has looked at it but found it all very boring!

OP, you are entitled to your feelings, and I'd share them. To those who say "most people don't mind porn use", I'd ask - how do you know? Simply because the people you know use it?

There's a whole (healthy, non-prudish) world out there where people of both genders and all sexualities love sex, but don't use porn. Believe me. The porn industry is a sick one, aimed at people with no imagination and no scruples. If they don't know it operates, perhaps they should do some research.

It's dispiriting that so many younger women are willing to accept that their men behave like pathetic adolescents, wanking away in front of a screen every time they're alone. I'm not insecure sexually - never have been - I just want a partner I can respect. There is so much defensiveness on this thread. I wonder why?

I know it is seen as the "norm" but I detest it, my ex became addicted to watching "teenage porn" to the point of watching it, before work, when I was in bed, anytime I left the house, even in front of my 10 year old who he thought could not see him.

Now and again okay understandable. Not all the time though.

I was once working nightshift in a company, he came with me for "company" he waited until I went to the loo and did it in my workplace, infecting all the PC's, I couldn't tell them he was there so had to say "yes I was watching porn at work"! Totally humiliating.

Thanks for the comments everyone. From the feedback it seems the majority on this forum don't think it's abnormal. Not the greatest career choice for any of our daughters or sons though. I've certainly had a huge reaction and once that settles down your comments will help me find a sensible balance. And yes @ThePigOnTheWall EVERY time I buy shoes I 'reduce' the price as every good woman should LOL. And thanks for the hug @ParaOlympicPark :-) I feel much better and calmer and I'm glad I submitted this post.

Oh forgodssake she asked for opinions and she got them.

What a lovely, sensible post - thank you!

its normal and natural

ffs even i do it now and again when i get the urge

I dont like porn and I dont like H looking at it, but i know that it isnt the worst thing in the world and I wouldnt react like this. All I ask is that he doesnt do it when I am around (not that he would) and doesnt mention it.