Distraught - husband kept 8 year secret from me

[Alicetravellingviawonderland]

Hi, please help me - I discovered a couple of days ago that my husband used the family computer to access porn websites. I confronted him and he confessed and through my questions I now know this has been going on for 8 years (since we've had a computer). He says that it's something he did every now and then but only when I was out of the house. At first he tried to calm me down by saying its something most men do and that it wasn't because of anything I'd done or didn't do. He did it when he was home alone and bored. We have a nice life, decent jobs, a lovely son, I thought we were very much in love and we have a good sex life. I can't tell you how hurt I am that he's had this secret life for 8 years. He says the stuff he watched on line was free and all 'normal' stuff. How can I believe him when I feel like I don't know who he really is? And what do I do now? He says he's sorry (he's been physically sick for the entire day when I found out) and that he'll go to counselling and never return to these sites again. For me, I'm completely shaken and a wreck. I cannot believe I didn't know anything about it - for that I feel very stupid. How could i ever trust him again? Why would i ever trust him again? I feel angry that he's used the family computer for this purpose. I cannot understand the porn thing, is something missing in my marriage or is it really common place amongst men? Also, if he's been doing it all this time, is he addicted and will he be able to give it up? We've been together 21 years - am I married to a cheat and a deceiver or a daft guy who made a huge mistake and who I should work with to sort it out? I go from wanting to throw him out to thinking we can somehow work through this. What's normal, what's acceptable.........what to do next?

I watch porn sometimes when alone...and NEVER feel the need to tell DP..its up to me what I wank to really. Our relationship is healthy, sex life excellent. Serious overreaction. `

Didn't you know Hully?

It is supposedly a sign that you are a cool, happening, hip partner if you condone your man wanking over an exploited woman on your PC.

Thank fuck I'm neither cool or hip.

I think the OP is been given a really hard time and some of you are being rather cruel.

The OP has had a shock and it is a big deal for her what she has found out. Just because you think it is normal, fine, acceptable doesn't mean it is for her.

OP, you have had a shock. You are questioning what you knew about your DH and you obviously feel it is to do with you. I would say it is nothing to do with your sex life and everything to do with him wanting to look at porn.

You tell him how it has made you feel and what you want to do now to move forward.

Him throwing up all day -did you see him? - seems rather OTT though.

I had heard Katie, I just thought it couldn't possibly be true. Not really. Not really really really.

I would set the screensavers on every device in the house to shots of naked men and drool (actual drool if I could manage it too) over them at every opportunity, sometimes stopping to make a sexist comment or compare his body to your husbands very loudly. Maybe put up a few posters?

I can see why you are upset. I don't like porn either.

I think it's 1 by the way.

i agree with Goldchilled.

i also really don't like the 'he didn't tell you 'cos he knew this would be how you would react' line.

that covers a multitude of sins, unfortunately.

This thread is awful.

Whatever your views are. Op is quite clearly very upset at the time of posting. Hence the extremes. You can tell that.

Are some of you getting of on being so fucking horrible and just plain nasty?

Bonnyday - good point about all men looking at porn except for the ones married to MNers :D

I hope that I haven't come over as nasty.

I just wanted to offer an honest perspective and help the OP to see that many do not view it as shocking.

I think that there is a wider debate about whether there is a place for pornography but, as we have it, humans are biologically programmed to respond to images of other people having sex.

Houseofplain, she's upset but needs to understand that it isn't a big deal to most people.

It makes us want to do the nasty!

I agree, JustFab, I am amazed at the level of ridicule the OP has received.

Also (not directed to OP as such) I also think it is a question of values. Its helpful to find out early on in relationships if you are roughly on the same page as regards values (including attitudes to porn, IMO very early on) so as not to get any nasty shocks further down the line. I don't think you can make assumptions about men either, as some posters have. Some men avoid it, some men make occasionaly light forays and some men view alot of porn that is pretty gruesome tbh. It is not obvious which it might be from appearances either, but if you ask a man he will often tell you, or you can find out. This has been my experience anyway.

And by the nasty I mean intercourse, not telling a woman on the internet she's being hysterical.

She doesn't need to "understand" anything. Her feelings are her feelings. Maybe, just maybe she may have looked further into it once she calmed down.

But if you read the thread back via unbiased specs. Some posts are nasty. Plain down right fucking NASTY. No need for it. Talk about a pack.

Which posts are nasty? I must have missed them. There lots disagreeing with her but just as many supporting her.

Unfortunately there are plenty of people who do not see it as an issue for him to perhaps genuinely think it is normal, and perhaps to not have stopped to think about the exploitation that goes on in producing so much of it, but that is not the same as it being OK and does not take away from your justifiable feelings about it, but it might be a mitigating factor in where you go from here if his attitude to women is usually much better than this. I am really sorry this has happened, OP. You and your DH obviously have a lot of talking to do but I wish you every happiness in the future however this pans out and do not find you unreasonable at all.

I would suggest you read the thread back without the rose tinted specs then mirry.

Those disagreeing with her. Some have done it in a polite manner. Many have not. Many have been snidey and nasty. It's not nice, whatever your views are. No need for it. When one starts. They all follow. Take a step back maybe? It's not aibu.

I don't like how any woman who posts a discomfort about porn is insecure either

WHY?

Do you think we are all fat, hairy mingers who turn the lights off and pull our nighties up for sex?

really?

some of us are a bit hairy though

I also think it is a question of values. Its helpful to find out early on in relationships if you are roughly on the same page as regards values (including attitudes to porn, IMO very early on) so as not to get any nasty shocks further down the line. I don't think you can make assumptions about men either, as some posters have. Some men avoid it, some men make occasionaly light forays and some men view alot of porn that is pretty gruesome

This post is spot on Jane. My dh and I share the same opinions on porn and the exploitation of women. He doesn't 'use' porn or go to lapdancing clubs, etc. He doesn't like it. We have a daughter and would hate her to be exploited lke some of these women are. They are all someone's daughter, sister, mother, friend. They all have personal stories. Not all men view porn. Not all women think it's acceptable.

OP, FWIW I don't think you're overreacting if you previously had no idea that your DH was watching porn. I remember finding a porn DVD in amongst DH's video games when we'd been together about 6 months, and I was shocked and upset too at first. Now, a few years down the line, I don't know if he watches any, although I suspect he might, and it's less of a big deal. I'm not a huge fan of the porn industry for lots of reasons, but as long as he's not using it to replace sex with me, I don't mind enough to demand that he doesn't watch any.

Watching a bit of porn doesn't make your DH a "cheat and a deceiver" or some sort of deviant. And what is "acceptable" is purely down to your personal feelings. You need to have a think and have a good chat with DH and decide what you can both live with.

There is nothing in the OP to suggest that her issues are about the ethics of the porn industry. Many people, both men and women are actually unaware of the seedy underbelly and think the 'stars' are doing it voluntarily.

I think her issue is simply that she is upset that her DH is mastubating to films of other people having sex. She clearly asked what is acceptable and what is normal.

The general consensus, and my opinion, is that having a private wank now and again is completely normal, and I am shocked that she is surprised he is doing this. I think it is fair to assume that your partner does do it rather than to assume they don't unless they tell you.

I also think viewing porn, if unaware of the dark side on the industry, is also pretty normal, but private and not something you would announce.

Agree, I think people have been pretty insensitive in ridiculing the OP, but it's fairly predictable on MN. Some women can just never miss an opportunity to tell us how down they are with jacking off to porn and fantasising about random men and .... and ...... ZZZZzzzzzz

OP I totally get it. It's more about the secretiveness of it really, over such a long period of time; it's as if you had one view of your relationship, and it turns out he has a completely opposite one.

I recommend you talk more about it. You haven't ruled out that it's kiddie porn or hardcore stuff, and you shouldn't necessary believe him straight off.

Don't consider this site representative. There are many people who don't use porn (me personally, I'd far prefer erotic literature ) and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about yourself because you don't like the idea of it.