How do you know for sure that you should leave?

[Apty]

Relationships are full of good and bad. What do you do when you are confused about the balance and how bad it really is?

My instincts tell me to leave sometimes, and then at other times that seems like the worst thing to do.

Do you reach a point when you know?

Had our four year anniversary Friday. He made an effort to be nice all day and so did I. Dinner without babies first time. He accused me of being anxious and quiet, which I was,
My new solution is to let him do whatever he wants outside the house if it puts him in a better mood. He's climbing tues then doing a race in a few weeks. He is pretty obsessive about physical activity.
Have had my mum over tonite. She's in pain with health probs, fractured back and possible hip issue. Her living circumstances pretty dire with my sponging schizoid alcoholic brother and she hobbled over to me. She couldn't do much to help physically but she's super with the kids.
Ds2 awake now. I am soooo shattered. Wish I could sit dh down and explain how dragged down I am but he says he doesn't want ds2 suffering because of me so don't take amitryptyline as secreted in breastmilk.
Thinking of you all and hoping for better mood nd circumstances to prevail for us all.

Ginga did the gp say that the antidepressants were safe for breastfeeding? I know that there are some that are - it doesn't seem right for your dh to dictate if you can take the drugs or not, that's totally your decision. I do agree that amitrytiline no good if you co-sleep as it can make you a bit knocked out at night - maybe see if there's another suitable one?

How's everyone else doing?

Rubbish. Have backtracked on moving out this weekend, long story.

Can't wait for this bit to be over, but I think it's going to carry on getting worse before it gets better. How are you?

Morning all,

We have finally agreed to separate and are both making plans to see solicitors etc in the next couple of week. Feeling calm and strong at the moment, but may need some hand holding here over the next few weeks.... Going to a counsellor today to gather my thoughts and a bit more courage about telling kids and family....

H seems calm too - which is a change, and possibly a sign that he's going to try to take me to the cleaners (financially - that's what motivates him). He wants to keep the house (but works away from home, so can't possibly challenge to keep the kids with him, and he doesn't even want 50-50 contact). I'm inclined to let him if he buys me out in full, as my initial sums show me that I can't really afford to stay here with the DCs. And tbh the house is too big for me to manage without a cleaner so a bit of downsizing is in order. And I can buy a house nearer the kids' friends so there's a better chance of them buying into it. Quite how they'd cope with coming back here for one week a month is anyone's guess though.... Tough times ahead :(.

Ginga if you haven't already done so, it might be worth speaking to someone on the NCT Breastfeeding Line - the counsellors are mother-centred and will give you information and support (never advice) on breast feeding and antidepressants - you sound torn between the two and they can help you reach a decision - which your H will have to live with. It's not his choice, it's yours.

Would love to hear how everyone else is doing too....

the feeling of being frozen , stuck is torture

Hi all, I haven't known whether to post for the last few days, but I am feeling very alone and down. I haven't felt like
posting because last Thursday DP told me he had read this whole thread and recognised me, even though I have name changed. Maybe I can talk about this in 'another place'? He has told me he won't read this thread again, but I have been just reading and keeping up with you all so as not to cause more hurt.

thistle things sound like they are moving on, stay strong, you and everyone else.

cannot, was he sympathetic towards you?

Yes. OTBT.

I have just read the whole thread and cried because I recognise so much of it.

I have been with Dh for nearly 9 years, 2 DC. Have posted on here about him before but I always change a few details because a few family members are on here and I worry they will recognise me. Every time I have been told to leave the bastard but I am still with him.

He hates me going out even just with work colleagues, and sometimes I think he is right to worry because whenever a bloke is nice to me I start having secret fantasy crushes. Never act on it, but just dream about life with Someone Else. H used to threaten to knock me out, say I deserved a kicking etc. and a couple of times threw things but never actually hit me though he has come very close.

That was the worst time and he has calmed down a lot since then as I told him I would leave and really meant it if he didn't stop being so aggressive. Now it's just if he is in a bad mood he takes it out on me regardless of whether the problem was my fault. He sometimes calls me a bitch, cunt, whore etc. I am not sure how normal this is. Some couples do have the arguments like this, but I hate it. Then sometimes he is fine, he can go for days or weeks without incident.

I think it's just that I get on his nerves but I don't know how to be different. If it was just me I would be away in less time than it took to type this post, as I work and could afford to live on my own. But there are the DC to think about I don't want to leave without making all the efforts to stay together. The thing is, I think we have reached the end of the road now as I just don't have it in me to even try to love him. I feel sick if he ever wants sex.

I am making him sound awful and he isn't, really. If I talk about separation he tells me to just fuck off then. Not possible to have a constructive discussion about this.

backforjustaminute - he does sound pretty awful tbh, there's never any excuse to call you names like that and threaten you, it's abusive and you don't have to put up with it. Staying for the children isn't necessarily the right thing, because your children will grow up with an unhappy mother, and believing that this is how relationships work. It's more important that they learn to value themselves that it is to have both parents living in the same house.

Thistle - well done on the huge step forwards! It's great you feel so calm - shows you that it's the right thing. It sounds like the practicalities could get complicated, but they're not as bad as the limbo are they, and at least you know that you're moving towards a better life for yourself.

cannot - could it be a positive thing that your dh has seen the thread? Maybe it's given him some insight? I hope you're ok.

Tired - sorry to hear about the delay, how much longer before you move? Are you stalling because you're still unsure?

backjustforaminute so sorry to read your story. Yes, you are making him sound awful, but maybe that is because he is? He may have stopped being physically agressive, but he is still being verbally agressive. How horrible to throw those insults at you on a regular basis. My DP called me a whore once during an argument, and it still makes me feel angry and sad when I think about it. It is not normal, if you need people to confirm that for you.

If you are staying just for the kids, then think about the lessons they are learning about what an adult relatinship should look like. They will replicate your relationship when they are older, whether that is a woman thinking it is okay to be treated like that, and have everything that is worng in her partner's world to be taken out on her, or whether it is a boy growing up to think it is okay to treat women like that.

I also think that what we all need to keep in mind is how much happier children will be with a happy mother, and the pressure they may feel being the glue holding together a bad adult relationship (shamelessly pilfered from another, more eloquent MNer on another thread).

Keep posting here, whether you decide to leave, or stay for the meantime, posters on here are so supportive.

backjustforaminute - your partner is as bad as they get. Because you know him well and have compassion, your feelings towards him are complex. But he has a hold over you, you care what he thinks and believe his opinions of you. You know his abuse (whether verbal, emotional or physical) will continue as long as you stay with him. Can you make a practical plan for how you would leave? Could anyone help with it?

hi ladies
im planning to get through this christmas then call it a day - i think it will be a big shock for him as he feels that no matter what we should stay together -im sure he doesnt care if im unhappy or not ,when he is at work im fine but when he comes home i feel tense ,you are meant to be happy when you see your husband at the end of the day but im not.
there isnt anyone else but i know that it will be the first thing he will think when i tell him its over.

Hi,

Me again. Been so busy at uni I haven't had chance to get on here! H has been trying very hard, but as soon as I stop being distant he thinks everything is fine and things are slowly going back to normal. I still want to leave, but am finding it so hard, he mentioned a few weeks ago that he knew how close I was to leaving and that he'd never felt pain like it. But I know that I'm going to hurt him so much more when I leave

As soon as I leave for uni now I take my rings off, I hate wearing them, I'm always aware of them and they feel so awkward and heavy. It's the main thing that's made me realise I'm better off leaving. H deserve better than someone who does that also. I also find myself so attracted to other guys, wanting to date them, get to know them etc I always thought when you were with the right guy, even though you can fancy other guys, you want to be and are glad to be with your guy?

This is so messed up. I wish I knew how to end it with him...

Oh and woundering I know what you mean about being happy when they ate at work but tense when they come home. I feel that to. Also we never kiss, never cuddle, I used to miss that, but now if he tries I just want to off of me. I really sound like a bitch don't I...

My h also thinks no matter what we should stay together, I don't think anything I could ever do would make him leave. So insted I've gotta be the heartless one to end it

Are at work, not ate lol. Long day at uni!

do you have kids pulled ?
we have 3 ,its so hard do i put them or myself first and what if they hate me for breaking up the family
and btw you do not sound like a bitch - me and dh never kiss and cuddle ,he thinks groping my boobs is love

hay wendy yes me and H have a 20 months old DD together. I feel awful for wanting to leave her daddy and break up her world, that I think is why I'm struggling, by going I'll be destroying 2 people, just to be selfish...

i think if i knew now what id known when my kids were tiny then it would of been for the best - she is young enough not to remember it.
MY KIDS ARE 14,11 AND 6

Thanks Cannot and Apty, things are definitely moving forward and I can honestly say that with every day I am feeling more and more like I have done the right thing. It's almost like I've been pulling a heavy trailer behind me and now I've unhooked it.... Still a long way to go, but I'm sure I'm on the right track.

Totally agree with Cannot re staying for the sake of the kids. If you are in a marriage/relationship which is making you unhappy, and you can't find a way to be happy in it (for whatever reason), by leaving you are showing your children that everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and that no one needs to stay in a relationship that isn't right for them. That's a hugely valuable life lesson. If it's right for you to leave, and you put your kids at the forefront of all you do while you get out of your marriage and beyond, they will cope, and they will be happier too in the long run.

I also agree with Wendy that if I had the clarity I have now, when my kids were much younger (they are 12 and 9) I'd have left a long time ago. For years I have been fine when DH is away (albeit knackered by the time he came home, he works away for 2 weeks at a time) and on pins when he comes home. I've only just faced up to it this year.

You will make the right decision for you. So keep thinking over your situation, stay aware of your feelings and where they might be coming from (get some help from a counsellor if you can), and have faith in yourself :).

Cannot I also agree re. staying for the children but I did it anyway.

It's sad to think of all of us in this situation, I hope we all find the solution somehow.

As someone said upthread, it's easy to know what you should be doing, actually putting the plan into action is something else.

I have viewed 2 flats for rent, the one which I can afford is tiny and I feel bad making the kids move out of our current flat, which is iovely. Trying to cheer myself up with the thougt that potential new flat is in a building with a huge enclosed courtyard in the middle which would be perfect for the DDs to play outside.

I told the agency that I am interested in the flat and they will speak to the owner. I have never been this close to leaving and it's really scary, like being about to jump off a bridge not sure if the bungee rope is properly tied on or not.

Hay, just really need some support right now. I've been stroppy for a few days now, uni pressure and being confused about H. Anyway today we got into a big argument again, h was going on about how we said we'd move on and try to make it work. I called him an arsehole. He git upset saying there was no need for that. I apologized, but knew it would lead to him thinking my heart is on trying. So I came out and told him the truth, that the spark is gone for me, I care for him, but don't have that 'connection'. He's now upset and hurt, not speaking to me and just keeping busy now before I always go and make it better, say I still love him, want to try etc even if I don't feel it. This time I don't want to do that, but I hate this atmosphere...

For me it was when I reached the point that I left him(my ex) or left this world.

If someone makes you feel so bad that you'd rather not go on anymore then it's time to end it.If they make you so you don't recognize yourself anymore or like yourself anymore then it's time to leave.

If the bad in your relationship is everyone elses awful and your good is only ever present when your partner knows they've pushed it to far again and are trying to make it seem like they will change then it's time to leave.

I always go and make it better, say I still love him, want to try etc even if I don't feel it. This time I don't want to do that, but I hate this atmosphere...

I used to always do this too. Couldn't bear the magnitude of separating. But you can only do this so many times, making no progress. Then it happens again.

me it was when I reached the point that I left him(my ex) or left this world.

I got to the point where I was suicidal all the time as well. But I was still doing what Pulled did.

I haven't updated on here for a while. I postponed moving out. The only good thing is, I have a house that has been bought. So I will have to move eventually.

At the moment, the house is mostly empty and when I can I'm going over there and decorating. It had a big messy family in it before, so it's painted white everywhere with lots of dirty fingerprints. I've done the downstairs room and am doing the dds rooms now. And I will slap some paint on the walls of the au pair's room, then my office, then the kitchen. It's tiring and lonely doing it all on my own.

Dh has taken the kids out all today on his own. He is arranging things to do with them on his own all the time now. I hate it, and they are missing me, but I can wear it for now, because things are going to change imminently.

He has tortured me for months with how screwed he is vis a vis budget for another house for himself (basically he insisted he wanted to be mortgage-free which limited him to poky shitholes). Implication being 'you're alright Jack, look at poor me'. But now he has said he is going to transfer the small mortgage from the family home. This gives him more scope, and will allow him to find a house in the area he wants. He seems determined to find a house on the doorstep of dd's friends. I'm trying to tell myself this is just him being insecure and wanting to make sure being with him is attractive to them, not part of a horrible strategy to isolate me and argue for him having custody.

I've been feeling very low, partly because I have little support. My friends are lovely but I don't contact them because I don't want to burden them. I find myself doubting what I am doing. My mum's pretty toxic but like lots of daughters of toxic mums I find it hard to give up hope and I really thought when the chips were down and I was having a truly terrible time that she would be supportive, but she isn't at all and I feel really down about it.

Ah well, I need to get out of this dressing gown, put some make up on, stop spending time on MN and get over to my new house and put some more paint on the walls. I've finally got round to getting the au pair over, and when she arrives and I've got some childcare there is no reason to delay moving.

I've applied for some bursaries from Uni, and I know there are plenty more grants and bursaries I can apply for when I finally move out.

I just want to get sorted and start living my life out of the shadow of this miserable marriage.

Lots of love and strength to everyone else in this horrible situation.

Try to stay strong, Pulled. If you cave and say you will try again, you will only repeat the pattern, won't you?

I've taken off my rings too. It feels so weird. But I couldn't keep them on any more, it was ridiculous. Dh took his off months ago.

backforjustaminute the new flat sounds lovely. I know what you mean about the bunjee rope, but go for it!! You're being really brave.

The place you're moving to may be more modest than what you are leaving but what price freedom, happiness, release from the misery and psychological burden?

I know how you feel, our family home is like something out of Homes and Gardens haha. It took me a long time to realise I could give it up because I'd put so much into making it beautiful. But it's like a beautiful, shiny apple or a ripe delicious peach - with a maggot eating away at the core. Money, possessions, 'lifestyle' don't matter. A 'dream' holiday isn't a dream when you're with someone who makes you unhappy and a lovely home isn't lovely when you have to share it with someone who drains you and drags you down - it's a prison.