Hi all
Haven't been on here for a while - had too much to do. I will make this fairly quick as I've promised myself I'll go to bed before 1.
I've been in the new house now, for, I think, about six weeks. It's been hard to adjust - mostly because I really feel for the kids shuttling this way and that. They seem to be coping very well now though and I'm much less worried about them than I was.
I've carried on sorting out the house. It takes up so much of my time. I decorated the kitchen, I'd already done the girls' rooms, the sitting room and the au pair's room. Now I've done my office. This was important because I need a space to work and I'm one of those people who can't concentrate when their surroundings are a mess. Everything has to be orderly and look nice. I am going to attack my bedroom next and then the bathrooms. That will leave only the hall stairs and landings, but with four floors it's a massive job.
I'm still neglecting my studies but want to focus and catch up and feel ready to now I have a space of my own.
I have a new au pair coming on Wednesday and I can't wait. We have Skyped her and she seems great - Australian. It will make a huge difference. I've been juggling childcare in all sorts of ways - getting people to take them after school etc and it's been a nightmare.
We finally exchanged contracts on the fh a couple of weeks ago and have been engaged in the monster task of clearing it. We complete on Friday and there is still loads of stuff over there. I have been trying to do as much as I can but I can hardly bear going there. Partly because of the memories but partly because it just doesn't feel like home any more, it's an alien place now.
Sorting out the house here is ongoing as every day there are more boxes of stuff arriving that need to be put away. My basement is full of stuff that has nowhere to go and I will be storing some stuff for dh as well.
He is my main worry. He's not in a good place at all. I'm sure he is depressed and needs some help to get through all this. But he won't be persuaded to go to the GP. His family is everything to him and to top it all he has terrible, terrible work problems. He may soon be out of a job as the company he mostly owns is falling apart. There were 13 people working there three years ago and now there are four. The company is in debt and one of his two partners announced last week that he was leaving to another job. I really feel for him and wish I could throw him a lifeline. It would be so good in so many ways - keep the family together, have a new start. My house is lovely and big but it was much less than we got for family home we would have lots of spare cash as there was loads of equity in the fh. It would totally take the pressure off him re work and could be a new start. This money will be eaten up buying a house for him (we live in an expensive town, commuterville) and we will both struggle financially. But I have put my heart and soul into my house, spent three months making it functional and beautiful and I have to admit I am enjoying my own space. I miss the kids when they are not here and I have been lonely but when the new au pair arrives I won't be. I just hope she will be nice. I would feel like he was invading and I think I would resent it.
Dh is buying a house he doesn't like (ugly little 1970s box and he likes old houses). I begged him to find somewhere he liked - he could get a little Victorian terrace) but he has doggedly gone ahead and though he's seen other places he prefers since he made the offer he doesn't want to let down the sellers. I think this is very admirable but he's shafting himself. It's as if he doesn't care any more, or doesn't want the best for himself. I'm absolutely racked with guilt at leaving him at the worst time in his life and hugely conscious of how much all his friends/family must hate me.
I would find all this so much easier if he would accept it and I thought he'd be OK and prepared to move on. I'm really worried about him, he seems to be finding it much harder than the children are. If I thought he still loved me it would be different, but he is so angry still. Someone upthread cut and pasted that comment about men not changing and their partners seething with resentment by the time they did and that was us. I begged him to change and he did try but it was too late. I no longer wanted to make it work. He also emotionally blackmailed me into staying when I wanted to go, but it was so obvious he didn't feel positively about me at all. It was crap for my self esteem, I felt suicidal at times. It has been so hard to leave.
I don't know how things will pan out in the longer term. I have tried to reach out to him a few times but we end up having the same argument - me trying to make him see how much he hurt me, and that this was the root of our difficulties and him blaming me for not being nice to him - the reason I wasn't was because he had almost destroyed me with his EA for years.
I wonder if time apart will help him to reflect on things and maybe we will get back together one day. I'm not interested in finding anyone else at all, I just want to focus on my studies and be a good mum.
Right, I've got to go as I'll miss my curfew. I will stay looking on here though and wish everyone well.