Can I ask your opinions on this letter from my toxic mother?

[CordeliaStarling]

Hi XXXXX I know you have said you don't want us to speak, but I have to break the silence. If I have hurt you, it wasn't my intention, and I am truly sorry. I love you very, very much. I hope you're feeling better- I think about you every day and it's such a worry to me that I don't know how you are, I have been thinking a lot about how you've been upset with me many times in the past. I don't know what the answer is; perhaps there isn't one and I have to accept that.
I don't accept that I deserve to be pushed to one side as if I have no feelings. Everything we do in life affects others. XXXX is upset about this rift and I don't know how to console her. XXXX doesn't know yet, but he's bound to eventually. Think about it XXXX, do we want the whole family to be upset? And what about the children? It's taken a lot for me to write this to you because you've asked me not to and I don't want to cause you any grief. Can you put this to one side for everyone else's sake as well as your own? xxxxxxxxxx

It's hard to give an opinion without some more background info really. How is she toxic? I think her letter sounds genuine and she does mention the affect on you and others and not just all about herself. Can you expand a little further? Why did you cut her out?

What's the history?

Hi depends on context. What gave you been upset about many times?
She says she loves you, she seems to be reaching out... Though doesn't accept being pushed to one side. Hmmm

Honestly?

It reads as:

I love you. I'm sorry.
It's not my fault. Get over it, it's not all about you.

But it would help if you could share some background, I guess, like the other posters have said.

And sorry for your troubles.

Sounds very controlling

"You don't want us to speak" - but hey ho I'm going to anyhow
It worries me that I don't know how you are
I don't accept that I deserve to be pushed aside as if I have no feelings*
I don't know how to console her
"for everyone else's sake"

mmmmm sounds very much of the like that she thinks you've cut her off unfairly, that she is not at fault (If?!?! I have hurt you...) so she is not going to just shut up....

Hmm. She's not apologising for anything, or at least she's not acknowledging that she may have any responsibility for how things have got to the current state of affairs. I feel that she is putting the onus/ blame on you, or at least trying to bribe you in some sort of way, re relationships with the other family members. Just why can't she deal with that herself? But having a toxic mother I am naturally suspicious! what is the backstory? I hope you don't feel you have to reply if you have no contact- you are not responsible for what she worries about. On the othef hand if you see this as an olive branch ignore my post!!

Totally agree with Bytheway - if she was truly distraught she could have left it at 'I'm so sorry if you feel I've hurt you, I love you and when you're ready to contact me I'm here'. Instead it's all about her and how you are hurting the rest of the family.

You stopped contact for good reason - don't let this letter sway you from what you obviously feel is right.

I have a toxic mother and you have my deepest sympathies.

I am inclined to agree with Bytheway - but difficult to be certain without the backstory.
If those are your family's real names though the backstory might identify you.......

She's saying " Our poor relationship is your fault and quite frankly you need to get over it because you're upsetting me and everybody else. And, as we all know, everyone else's feelings are more important than yours. Please resume your role."

Sorry but that is how it reads to me. :(

It must be very hard. How are you feeling about it?

Me, me, me, me, family, me, me, me.

What did she do to you? I know you'd not do this without good reason.

Here for you.

Agree that she shouldn't be asking anything of you. It would have come across better if she'd just said she loved you and was sorry and wanted you to know that.

As others have said, backstory is essential really to make an assessment, though.

Yes agree with Elephants, she is worrying about the rest of the family, and what they are thinking (of her) rather than thinking about you and how you feel or what you think. She says she's been thinking about the times you've been upset with her but she doesn't know what the answer is and that perhaps there isn't one- nice!! what she is saying is that she is taking no responsibility for why you may be upset. OP are you coming back to this thread?< tired, too much wine, wants to know how you are feeling about this letter>

Thank you so much for the replies. the back story is complicated but she has basically bullied and manipulated me my whole life and she cant stand it that ive finally stood up to her.
I have decided to cut her out of my life for the time being because its making me ill.
What amazing is how you have all completely got the measure of her just from reading that one message.

Btw how I feel is angry, sad and empowered all at the same time.

Yep, I get you OP!
Sounds then like she is still trying to manipulate.
I would ignore, ignore, ignore. Keep strong. Fwiw I understand exactly mixture of feelings you have, but it will pass in time and you will hopefully just feel relief that you got out, esp when she moves on to someone else. How she treated you is not your fault. You are not responsible for her feelings or those of the rest of the family.

I have recently been reading about Narcissistic Mothers because of a discussion on another forum. I hadn't heard of it before.

"Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

She rarely says right out that she thinks you're inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you've done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn't live through her abuse would never believe the connection. .... ".

read more on the link

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

I don't know if this applies to your mother of course and I wouldn't want to be unfair to her.

Oh Cordelia, I read your mother's letter, and even her tone of voice sounds exactly like my mother's. It could have been written by mine, it really, really could. You have my sympathy.

Many years ago, I had to do what you are doing now. I too felt ill.

Mine wrote letters too. They were designed to try and sound reasonable and nice, but the undercurrent was always there. At first any communication from her made me feel sick and ill, and sort of ....hunted.

I was in my 30s, when I called it a day. She had just told me (among other things) that I wasn't the daughter she'd wanted (and this because I hadn't rung her one day to enquire about her blood pressure). That my brothers were better people than me. They cared about her more than I did. They knew how to behave etc. Oh, I could go on and on about the awful things she said...

But it made me ill, and it affected my ability to be a good mother, so I stopped it.

I am now in my late forties. My children are young adults, and I don't regret doing what I did, because I saved myself and I saved my daughters from being infected with my mother's toxic rubbish.

Nowadays, my mother and I only have an email relationship. And it suits us both fine. We send each other cards. Maybe three or four emails a year. (I think we've reached the stage where she feels lucky to be allowed to have any kind of communication with me, but we are talking about fifteen years later!!!!)

My brothers are still very much in contact with her and indulge her beyond all belief as they believe they are doing the right thing. And she abuses them. And she abuses their wives. And their children.

As far as the letter goes, I would send a reply that gives her no satisfaction, but draws a line for you. I think I wrote the odd one to mine that said along the lines of " Thanks for your letter. I will think about what you've said, but in the meantime, let's just leave things as they are."

Sorry to ramble, but your post struck such a cord with me. It is so hideous to be on the other end of this suff from your own mother. And although what I have with mine is far from normal, it is fine. And i have a lovely relationship with my daughters.

stuff

It sounds genuine to me - I disagree with some other posters above about it all being "me me me" - when communicating in difficult situations aren't we SUPPOSED to stick to "I" statements (e.g. I feel "x" when "y" happens)?

Without knowing what grounds you had for declaring her toxic and cutting off contact it's difficult to know what to think. You may not have been reasonable (is there a thread about the previous situation you can link to?).

I would write an "I" statement letter back. Something like:

I've received your letter and I understand that you are trying to reach out and "heal the rift". I did not take the decision to stop seeing you lightly or in the heat of emotion, but because this seemed to be the best decision for my mental and emotional well-being. My perceptions of the times we have spent together in recent years have been (describe several examples in "I" statements, sticking to your own feelings rather than making accusations).

I'm sure you will have percieved these events differently, but I feel how I feel and the prospect of willingly coming back for more of the same is not appealing. I don't think you have no feelings and do understand that this situation is hurtful for you, but if the total amount of grief with us not seeing each other is less than the total amount when these things happen then it may be best to accept the situation as it is.

You can then either end it there if you really want nothing to do with her ever again and don't want to give her another chance, or you can add something like

If this letter and what has happened since I last saw you has made you feel that things could be different then I could (make limited suggestin e.g. come for sunday lunch or come and stay for the weekend) and see how we do.

If you do give her another chance, see if you can - between you - lay down some "ground rules" about respecting one another to keep the peace.

Be open to the possibility that you may have been unreasonable yourself. There is no shame in this - there is not a human being on the planet who is always completely rational about everything!

My grandparents (different as they were nice) used to pile on pressure in a similar way: "but WHY don't you book a holiday to Siberia/run through the streets coated only in yoghurt/sign up for Eye Poking Therapy? Aunt jillian LOVES it! Cousin Edgar does it 5 times a day! Uncle Hubert is really worried about you not doing it!" etc. Obviously these family members, if consulted, either didn't actually care or recognised that it was none of their business. I expect it's much the same here.

What really struck me was the last line. She means INSTEAD of for yourself, look, she hasn't put any reasons at all why it would be good for YOU to resume contact. Perhaps because even she couldn't think of any

The way she phrases it like ignoring your request for no contact makes her a brave martyr ("it's taken a lot for me to do this") gets on my wick too.

Hope you're ok.

Ignore such a letter from your toxic mother. I would shred such a letter and not bother replying to it. Further communiques on your part provide ammo to such damaged people.

BTW you did not make your mother this way, her own birth parents did that to her.

Its all par for the course for such toxic people to write such things, it really is. She's basically telling you to shut up and resume the role you were assigned to in her own toxic family unit.

Note as well she has not taken any responsibility for her actions nor actually apologised for same. Typical toxic parent behaviour this.

That's a very yank your chain letter

Wait 3 weeks, send ScarletWoman's reply.

Could not disagree with Feersum more! And agree with Attila more!

Do NOT reply to this letter. You are just entering the whole toxic dance if you do. Don't engage. Ignore.

My toxic mother was a letter writer. They were exactly like this, gushing and 'loving' but really self pitying and blaming and guilt tripping.

My wonderful husband taught me to ignore and disengage. Once he told me he'd intercepted a letter from her and burnt it in the garden before i could read it! He only told me months later. It was at the height of her games and I was on my knees with guilt and stress. It was THE best thing he could have done for me.

To cut a very long story short I cut her out of my life for months but years on we have the best relationship we could have - me keeping her firmly at arm's length and her fully knowing how far she can push me (about a millimetre). It works. If you want to PM me do.

I hope you are ok x