Can I ask your opinions on this letter from my toxic mother?

[CordeliaStarling]

Hi XXXXX I know you have said you don't want us to speak, but I have to break the silence. If I have hurt you, it wasn't my intention, and I am truly sorry. I love you very, very much. I hope you're feeling better- I think about you every day and it's such a worry to me that I don't know how you are, I have been thinking a lot about how you've been upset with me many times in the past. I don't know what the answer is; perhaps there isn't one and I have to accept that.
I don't accept that I deserve to be pushed to one side as if I have no feelings. Everything we do in life affects others. XXXX is upset about this rift and I don't know how to console her. XXXX doesn't know yet, but he's bound to eventually. Think about it XXXX, do we want the whole family to be upset? And what about the children? It's taken a lot for me to write this to you because you've asked me not to and I don't want to cause you any grief. Can you put this to one side for everyone else's sake as well as your own? xxxxxxxxxx

Sorry can I reiterate in a shorter post in case you don't read my one above:

DO NOT REPLY TO THE LETTER

Cordelia it's so hard. And I'm in the middle of some stressy stuff with my mother at the moment ( she's oblivious, of course)

It's that feeling of guilt, pressing guilt tht it's up to us to keep the family Uni together that galls me. I'm always getting snidely comments from her about how I never ring my (equally narcissistic) brother...but he never rings me either yet gets no such hassle

The pressure I feel impacts on my moods, my relationship with my children and m husband. My friends have very luckily all got wonderful kind loving supportive mothers , and think I'm nuts when I start spewing forth on the things she has done that have upset me, as it sounds so petty. And it makes me think maybe I'VE got the problem!

All I can say is tear up the letter, and if you really don't want to contact her, DON'T. I wish I had the strength to cut my mother out of my life, she gives me nothing, never has done, apart from stress and guilt.

Good luck, let us know how you get on

Ugh, what a guilt trip. I am actually rather cross on your behalf. It's all about others' feelings, and how you're somehow responsible for them. You're not. Please don't let her manipulate you into dancing to her tune with feelings of guilt about how others are affected by you stepping away - of course they're only affected by it because of HER whining/moaning about the situation.

If I were in your position I wouldn't respond to the letter, you'll only open a dialogue with someone who won't ever change ther viewpoint and will want to have the last word. If you want to have a relationship with your mother do it on YOUR terms, not because she's sent you a letter telling you off. I'd go as far as to say that if you respond and resume contact she will be worse than before because she now knows what buttons to press to get you in line.

I know it's hard, but if she sends any more letters you're probably better not to open them. Just chuck them out or send them back to her. They'll not be full of kindness or apologies, they'll be guilt trips and threats, and you're better off without those.

Yes, either don't respond or send Scarlet's reply. I wouldn't throw the letter away though - keep it as evidence that she really wrote it. Put it away somewhere though.

I recognisev all of that. I am going through this ATM and it is a nightmare. My mum has alienated,all her siblings and children. I was the last and I asked her a simple question and she wrote me a shocking attacking letter. You need to protect yourself and not be manipulated it is so draining though I know what you mean about being ill from it. She is still blaming you in that short text

In my family it's only my equally weird brother and his even more weird wife who want to spend any time with my mother...they are all cut from he same cloth and is suits them to think 'well yes cyb's under pressure at the moment with worketc, that's why she ever contacts us ' rather than look at how awful they are as individuals.

I sometimes think about my mother dying and I would honestly struggle to think of kindly words to say about her at her funeral. Our relationship is that messed up

Me too cybbo I have had enough now.

cybbo, I have the same thoughts.

Not knowing the back story here... I wouldn't have reacted as others have done to that letter.

People often 'fail' at communication. Guess it depends whether you wish to resume talking or not. I have had issues with my mum and worked really hard at boundaries. I'm glad I did. If you do respond, then answer assertively.

Feersum has some good suggestions.

Things came to a head for me about 5 christmasses ago when I plucked up the courage to tell my parents how I felt. I did it by email, not great, but couldn't face telling them one to one.

The reply I got was so accusatory and aggressive, it actually shocked me. I realised then that confronting them was never going to work so I now play this kind or weird role when I see them (mainly my mother, I can be more natural and honest with my dad). I pretend they are like curmudgeonly old eight ours that I have to check up on every once in a while,and take out for tea. I give nothing away, tell them virtually nothing. And they think we get along and have a close relationship.

I hate the person I am when I'm with my mother and how I never leave feeling gladdened and cared for, I leave feeling full of bile, irritation and resentment

I read somewhere that you have to grieve for the loss of the mother you never had and that struck a chord with me

That Parrish miller site is amazing my sister cried when I sent it to her as she has been bullied all her life

Curmudgeonly old neighbours that should read

I hate the person I am when I'm with my mother and how I never leave feeling gladdened and cared for, I leave feeling full of bile, irritation and resentment

My goodness, I can relate to that feeling.

I don't think you should reply to the letter.

My mother is toxic (I totally agree with Cybbo's posts above) I recognise all those martyred, accusatory, blaming others, never taking responsibility for the hurt caused to others tones.

It comes across (to me) that her letter is all about HER not about You. Let her alone, and value your peace x

It's awful isn't it Isla...it's so hard to pin down what they actually do to makes us fee like this...and it does sound ridiculous to anyone who has supportive, loving, unselfish parents

cybbo-I'd probably class myself as having loving and supportive parents but my mother can be controlling and critical which has caused me a lot of distress.

She failed to adjust to me reaching adulthood and having a mind of my own. It took a very hard conversation (me yelling at her) to make her see her behaviour was unreasonable, inappropriate and wrong. I still have to battle to keep boundaries. BUT I do know she 'thinks' she is being supportive. Her idea of what is a good way to live your life is different to mine.

In my case (and I do realise this is not true for many of you) my effort to change her was worth it. I am so glad for our relationship.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes cutting people out is the right thing but sometimes it's salvageable

Hi there,

Just popping my head in to say we've edited the OP to take out some names - hope this is OK (do drop us a mail if not).

Best of luck with it.

I am grateful for these threads esp atm. Doesn't take the crap away but normalises it

Sounds like a guilt trip to me. Oh look what you are doing to XXXX. It's all your fault - I don't know what your problem is - I love you and we can fix this (under my terms).
I'd steer well clear personally.

I agree - makes you feel less isolated

I do still feel very isolated though. My brothers don't really care, theyll do anything for a quiet life as long as Mummy cooks them a roast dinner every couple of weeks , my younger brother especially.

My SIL is the only other one who has seen through my mum and she has been on the receiving end of some pretty peculiar behaviour too. So we chat about it sometimes.

Maybe that's it, they don't "see through" her. May not be malicious or lazy, think my dsis is the same, truly clueless about my dm & df, thinks theyre totally functional unlike my friends, dh and cousins who can clearly see they're not normal

she me a FB tonight, basically telling me to pull myself together because I am upsetting the family. This was the rest of the conversation.

Me: I can't brush it under the carpet anymore. Look where doing that has led us. I wish I could move on but you just don't seem willing or able to understand what I'm saying and until you do I can't even begin to try and get past it. Im not trying to upset you. I just need you to understand where I'm coming from.

My Mother
When it's comes to hostility xxxxx, you're an expert. Every single person on this earth, has their troubles, happy times, sad times, illness to deal with - you, me, your friends and family, everyone. You're a grown woman and it's time you learned to stop blaming me for everything that is crap in your life. I'm not responsible for your feelings. You are.
You wish to be estranged from me. What can I say? I'm weary of your taunts about how I have completely ruined your life. I can't take any more.
I won't be your emotional punchbag any longer. Leave me alone, get out of my life and stay out of it!!!

This is how little she thinks of me. I feel sick, Ive actually had to have a few brandys after reading that.

I think I just walk away now?

Oh and then she defriened me and blocked me on fb