Can I ask your opinions on this letter from my toxic mother?

[CordeliaStarling]

Hi XXXXX I know you have said you don't want us to speak, but I have to break the silence. If I have hurt you, it wasn't my intention, and I am truly sorry. I love you very, very much. I hope you're feeling better- I think about you every day and it's such a worry to me that I don't know how you are, I have been thinking a lot about how you've been upset with me many times in the past. I don't know what the answer is; perhaps there isn't one and I have to accept that.
I don't accept that I deserve to be pushed to one side as if I have no feelings. Everything we do in life affects others. XXXX is upset about this rift and I don't know how to console her. XXXX doesn't know yet, but he's bound to eventually. Think about it XXXX, do we want the whole family to be upset? And what about the children? It's taken a lot for me to write this to you because you've asked me not to and I don't want to cause you any grief. Can you put this to one side for everyone else's sake as well as your own? xxxxxxxxxx

Well she's laid all her cards on the table hasn't she!

Keep her out of your life, like you originally intended, and be happier and stronger. You deserve that better life.

There is no way I will ever let this women anywhere me again.

I always say that I am the woman I am INSPITE of my mother. Not because of her.

You have gone to her and asked her to help fix this. She has turned around and said get out of her life. I don't see anything wrong with obliging her.

And that's what I would do. I'm getting married next year and I am hoping my mother refuses to come. Will be a much more relaxed day. Especially as I have nothing to thank her for come the speeches.

I have also found, once the guilt of actually telling people how awful she is, is that people always knew it. And understood why I have little to do with her. Anyone who doesn't get it, don't matter.

Sorry your didn't have a mother. A real mother that is. Xx

I am so sorry Cordelia. That message she sent you just seems utterly hateful to me. Absolutely awful. And yes, I think you do just walk away. Being rejected and discarded by your own mother is devastating, but as StuntGirl says, you will be happier and stronger. You WILL!

My mum's toxic too. What she just sent you is very hurtful but really confirms that she is the one with the problem, not you. Try to see it as a godsend since it means she won't be bothering you again.

I've been trying to be closer to my mum for years, she is critical and always makes me feel like shit. I've spent my whole life trying to please her. My sister responded to our mother by cutting her out - mum doesn't even know the details of the father of my sister's baby she keeps herself so private from mum.

I'm separating and told my mum at the beginning that I needed support. She has not come up with the goods. She has not only offered no practical help, she doesn't even call me. I have given up and it's really liberating. I feel much more alone, but I'm released from the pressure of trying (and always failing) to please her, and I can live my life on my own terms.

Your mother has just given you a great opportunity to do that. Move on and cast off the leaden cloak of her emotional pathology.

So, she tells you in latest communication that you are upsetting everyone and that you should get over yourself. Then in her next breath she says that she has n't possibly done anything to upset you and that only you are responsible for your own feelings. Do you see the contradiction in what she is saying?
Then she ends in a temper tantrum. I'm not sure that you won't hear from her again tbh, she may get someone else to get in touch and tell you how distraught your mother is, my mother also does a convincing bully to victim/martyr switch as soon as she is stood up to or when I say something she doesn't like (I am also no contact with her, and no intention if going back for more, life is bliss now).

She sounds like she is trying to wear you down.

My suggestion would be to not engage further or respond to further communication from or about her from others trying to cajole you.
Once you are able to stop doubting yourself, and feel strong in your self belief it becomes easier to ignore her completely, and easier to say to perhaps well meaning relatives or those who want an easy life: "thanks for your concern but its something I don't wish to discuss, I'm sure you understand" and change the subject. Doing this will show you you are making a calm decision, and not engaging in negative talk about her, or any talk at all, will hopefully shut her, and others off at the pass as well as giving you the moral high ground, while she will no doubt gossip all about you. Don't rise to it, people who mean something to you won't listen to her. Those that do don't matter.

She probably thinks you will come out your little huff as she probably sees it, but stay strong. Over time you will see that she doesn't really care, but that's about her not you.

Oh Cordelia, I'm so sorry.

That's why I said don't engage or respond because you can never, ever win (in communication) with these people. You can win by cutting her out and getting on with your life, being free of this hurtful crap. Hold your head high and you are a good person who tried to have a relationship with an impossible person. It's very very upsetting for you right now but you will be happier without her in your life.

Get some counselling too I'd say if you haven't already.

And totally agree with everything voile says above.

Hmm, I expect she is thinking that now you will have to engage with her in order to beg her to unblock you on Facebook.
I also think that you will start to get people telling you how distraught she is at your behaviour and can't you go and see her.

My advice is to consider that if she were a friend rather than your mother would you still see her. If the answer is no then you know that her behaviour is unacceptable.

I haven't spoken to my mum for about a month now I think. She sent me a couple of emails, but tbh I prefer it like this. It is just easier.

Walk away, live life , be happy.....

She wanted to have the last word, especially as you communicated with her again. Don't rise to it........say nothing, move on and yes, get counselling if it would help to move on properly. DO NOT wallow in thinking about her and what she's said as that's exactly wheat she wants you to do. YOU have a life - live it and enjoy it.

What both voile and Emandlu stated above.

You would not tolerate such crap from a friend, your mother is truly no different in this regard.

I am sorry that you do not have the kind and caring mother you deserve. Her posts to you were and remain all about her and she projected all her issues onto you. Her posts were typical toxic parent type rantings. Its not you, its her. You did not make her this way, her own birth family caused that emotional damage and screwed her up.

Live well, that's the best revenge here.

Re counselling BACP are good and do not charge the earth.

Would also suggest Cordelia that you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. If you read the initial post on that page there are publications listed that you could well find helpful. I would certainly recommend you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

I would not reply. That is more galling for her (as she never knows if at some point you will relent and reply) than you sending a response, imo.

And stick to your guns Cordelia. She will get illnesses galore as she ages, just keep out of it.

So sorry you are going through this OP.

What Voile said is spot on. The suggestion to have a ready-made response to give to well-meaning friends and relatives is also a good one.

It's not you, it's her. You seem to be more interested in having the peace to live your own life. That is your right and your duty to yourself. DM can live her life any way she sees fit. But that should no longer include you being involved in making her happy.

You can finally be free of her. Mourn the mother you never had. Then celebrate a new life without your self-obsessed, needy mother.

I've nothing to add to the excellent advice above. Just sending you my best wishes

Agree with the posters who encourage you to conside whether you'd put up with this behaviour from a friend. This helped me. You don't have to put up with it just because she is your mother, in fact no half decent mother would treat yo this way, nor bad mouth you to others which it looks like she will start doing.

OP it is very hard to get your head around the fact that your mother doesn't love and support you in the " normal" way and the natural thing is to blame yourself as you think "she is my mum, she must love me so I must be doing something to make her this way". Not so. All sorts of people end up parents who screw it up because they can't recognise and reflect on their damaging behaviour and make steps to change it. They bring their own baggage and personalities to parenthood and don't put their children first. They make out they do- you'll probably get the "after all I've done for you" comments like you owe her in some way.
It took me a long while to realise it was my mother, not me who had the problems, and a bit longer to recognise her as abusive. Its still hard at times but its great having my own little family without worrying about the monster on my shoulder- she is just a shadow in the background now that I don't think about much. Counselling helps with that too. You are not a bad person for cutting her out. A friend wouldn't treat you like this.

I think you might want some more time to think about this.

It seems to me that you have outed her behaviour - and no-one likes you rocking the boat, except you, because you are the only sane one there....

While you stand so close to them and their viewpoint, it will be hard to keeo sight of your own.

I think you wanted her to make it good when you told her where you were coming from and asked if she was able to hear you....

The mistake, or the humanity, of that position, is that if she could hear where you were coming from, she most likely wouldn't have been like she is in the first place.

But she is, fact.

I remember going through this myself with my folks. It took ages for me to understand that they weren't going to change, and they were going to be angry with me for not being OK with how they were....

But fact, I was not OK with it.

I think she has made herself very clear here - do as I say or I will abandon you - and I think that in time, sad as it undoubtedly is, you will feel better in other ways that are not to do with the sadness.

I have been about 15 years away from my mother, and about 6 years from the rest of my family, who chose her over me. It gets a lot easier.

But today might suck. So take care where you can and sorry and well done for standing your ground.

I am finding it difficult today as its her birthday but I cannot crack and give in to her agin. I know me not sending a card will really fuel the self pity though and she will bad mouth my sister and I to whoever will listen! Nearly text her earlier but she doesn't deserve it tbh

Thanks for all your kind replies. I'm sorry I'm not saying much but I am reading all your messages.
I'm feeling really gutted today. I'm not surprised by her behaviour but deep down I always hoped we could work things through and she would be the Mum I needed her to be.

This means I'll also not see my Dad, he always sides with her. I suspect the rest of the family will be unhappy with me too.

Underneath all the hurt though there is a small feeling of triumph that I finally stood up to her. I don't regret my actions at all.

Cordelia

Am glad that you do not regret your actions re your mother. You should not do so ever.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

Not too surprised to read about your dad siding with her because that usually happens too. Such dysfunctional women always need a willing enabler. Many such men in these types of dysfunctional family units too act as bystanders out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. I would not let him therefore off the hook because he has failed to protect you from her excesses of behaviour.

Also people from dysfunctional families end up playing roles, you are scapegoat for all their inherent ills. They do not like their scapegoat bucking this trend hence her actions as well.

Living well is the best revenge here. Surround yourselves instead with positive role models rather than dysfunctional emotionally healthy people.

NEVER regret the choice you made, she has underlined why you have had to make it. she's no mother. Seriously.

I doubt she WILL leave you alone, sometime to come I'm fairly sure she WILL tickle the problem again, but you can and need to hold your ground.

Sod the family, just because there are more of them than there are of you, doesn't mean that YOU are automatically wrong. They can and are ALL wrong, YOU are the lucky one, YOU are a normal, caring, feeling human being.

Get counselling, keep posting here, keep talking and know that you are most definitely NOT alone.

((((HUGS))))

You are a stately homer too aren't you?

That last Facebook message was designed to get YOU apologising to HER and pleading to be friends again. Don't give in and contact her. Stay silent. It's totally her loss. Voile's suggested reply to anyone who asks is good.

Just seen this. I didn't read misread the post and thought the letter was from you. As I read it I was thinking, how many 'I's are there in this? It's all me me me and the juxtaposition of 'I don't know what the answer is; perhaps there isn't one and I have to accept that.' with
'I don't accept that I deserve to be pushed to one side as if I have no feelings' is very telling. As is 'you've been upset with me many times in the past. Not 'I've upset you'.

Written by someone who things the world revolves around them was my opinion.

What do I tell my dc? My youngest is oblivious but the older 2 are in their teens.

I have just started reading the book by Susan forward and I do read the stately home threads. It was reading posts on here that gave me the strength to stand up to her and to realise that I hadn't done anything wrong.

I'm on a waiting list for counselling as I suffered with very bad pnd after the birth of my youngest. It was only through conversations with my psychiatrist that I started to realise just how much my upbringing had affected me. I have spent my whole life feeling like I wasn't good enough.

Thankfully I parent my dc the complete opposite of the way I was brought up. When I was pregnant with dc1 I made a promise to myself that I would never make my dc feel the way my mother made me feel and hopefully so far I've kept to it.

I'd let them take the lead. Wait until they ask. They might surprise you.