Can I ask your opinions on this letter from my toxic mother?

[CordeliaStarling]

Hi XXXXX I know you have said you don't want us to speak, but I have to break the silence. If I have hurt you, it wasn't my intention, and I am truly sorry. I love you very, very much. I hope you're feeling better- I think about you every day and it's such a worry to me that I don't know how you are, I have been thinking a lot about how you've been upset with me many times in the past. I don't know what the answer is; perhaps there isn't one and I have to accept that.
I don't accept that I deserve to be pushed to one side as if I have no feelings. Everything we do in life affects others. XXXX is upset about this rift and I don't know how to console her. XXXX doesn't know yet, but he's bound to eventually. Think about it XXXX, do we want the whole family to be upset? And what about the children? It's taken a lot for me to write this to you because you've asked me not to and I don't want to cause you any grief. Can you put this to one side for everyone else's sake as well as your own? xxxxxxxxxx

I am not sure what to tell my ds and he is 18!

Cordelia

I would have a look at BACP's website re counselling as you may well be seen sooner.

NHS counselling (I presume you are on such a list) can incur a very long wait and you may subsequently only receive a few sessions.

This letter admits nothing.

It says "I don't know what the answer is; perhaps there isn't one and I have to accept that." and

"I don't accept that I deserve to be pushed to one side as if I have no feelings."

The rest is about asking you to take responsibility off her for managing her own conversations with other people.

If you have ever complained in the past about her treatment, she certainly doesnt mention it or acknowledge it.

It seems fairly manipulative and passive aggressive.

I have kids over 25 and over 30 and think it would be silly to de friend them on facebook. Im not 14.

I agree with everyone's take if the letter! Anything you say in a reply will however be "translated" to suit her agenda or ignored! I have recently tried to cut off contact with my parents. I told my mother on the phone in May why I wanted some space for a while. A campaign of begging, blackmailing & eventually complete denial of any knowledge of why I had reduced contact began with my house phone & mobile ringing continuously. (I still saw them twice in that time!) In the end my father sent me an email last week saying that if I didn't phone my mother & tell her I love her she would have a nervous breakdown & that HE didn't know what SHE had done wrong! So I replied with a detailed email telling them exactly what they BOTH did wrong. Silence ever since! I'm waiting to find out if it's denial or sulking!
I think you should ignore the email. It is manipulative & self centred.

Just wanted to say I've got a lot of respect for you Cordelia, in many ways I wish I was brave enough to do what you have done. All the best to you, your life and your DCs too will be better without her x

Thank you :)

feel very crappy and alone today.

Cordelia it is very hard. have had my sister on the phone today as she is very upset as it was my mum's birthday yesterday and we sent her nothing for the first time ever

Sorry you feel so down Cordelia. It will be better in the long run though I can imagine that's not necessarily a comfort now. You are doing the right thing to disengage. Your DC will think of you very differently to the way you think of her. Have a and keep going.

I stumbled across your post today and wanted to share my recent experience with you, I am too in a very difficult position with my mum, I am in my forties and recently went away on a holiday with my mum and my daughter. Without going into too much detail the holiday ended badly and I have not spoken to my mother since, which was a couple of months ago. Lets say I have forgiven my mum in the past for verbally abusing me. This time I am finding it hard to move on from, On the holiday I found out that my mum had been saying unkind things about me to my teenage daughter. I calmly asked my mum not to and to tell me if she had anything to talk to me about. This resulted in my mum shouting and swearing abuse at me. The mental abuse was that intense that the only way I could think of to stop it was to say I was filming it on my mobile phone. This had the opposite effect and my mum flew into a violent rage and physically attacked me to try and remove the phone from me. I managed to lock myself in the bathroom where the verbal abuse continued, screaming that I was a horrible child and a horrible adult, I can't begin to write the other hurtful horrible things that were said about me. I was blamed for every bad thing that has happened in her life. What prompted me to post this is that I have received a couple of texts messages which I have not responded to, which are very similar to the letter you have received, I just want to say I fully understand where you're coming from and I too fear that if I forgive that I am putting myself in a position to be abused in this way again. I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do x