Am I bisexual? I really don't know what to make of my feelings. Can anyone relate?

[amibi]

Hi

Ok, so i've always been attracted to women, but very seldomly and it's a very specific type. My first sexual experience was with a woman, well a girl really.......I was only 14 and assumed that I was just experimenting. I've heard that loads of women's first kiss was practising on their best friends, which was kind of what my first sexual experience was. However, I can't seem to shake this need to go all the way. It was only a bit of a fumble when I was a teenager, but recent events have made me want to pursue my feelings more.

I confessed a month or so ago to DP that I find some women sexually attractive and that I get turned on with the idea of two women together. He said that he kind of already knew and if I were to act on these feelings, he wouldn't see it as cheating and so kind of gave me his blessing.

Since he's told me this I can't stop thinking about having a fling with my ideal woman. I feel like I really need to get it out of my system, but then if I like it, it wont really be out of my system will it?.....

Does anyone understand this? Should I just leave it as a fantasy? Or should I act on it?

Really appreciate your words of wisdom

Thank you!

If one of your married female friends wanted to act on a fantasy of finding a really handsome bloke to shag, would you advice her to go ahead?

Or would you counsel her to not be silly and not jeopardize her marriage?

It does not matter if you want to have sex with a man or a woman, or even if you are bi. Being Bi is the ability to be attracted to either a man or a woman, but like in most monogamous relationship, only one at the time. And if you have married somebody, regardless of gender, you stay faithful, or you leave.

You dont have to explore these feelings as little as you have to explore any feelings of wanting to have sex with another person.

Gender is irrelevant. You have opted to marry a man, because you love him (I assume). And you stay faithful to him because you love him.

As in all relationships, if you want to have sex with other people you either negotiate an open marriage and let your husband explore as much as you do (because, like I said, gender is irrelevant) or you leave.

What you're feeling is completely normal and nothing to freak out about

Sexuality is a scale. From 100% gay to 100% straight. Most are somewhere in between.

If you've felt urges since being a young teen then they're probably genuine. Life's too short to wonder 'What if?'

Being honest and open with yourself and your DP has been a great start. And he sounds lovely and understanding (so long as his motivation isn't standing in a corner filming ). There are lots of very happy couples out there living less than conventional 'get married-die' lifestyles.

Take time, be honest and decide what's next for you as a couple.

And if you have married somebody, regardless of gender, you stay faithful, or you leave.

And down clamp the shackles

Being unfaithful is when you fuck someone behind your OH's back? Where has the OP suggested that?

Dont be ridiculous bunny. I said she need to negotiate an open marriage, and accept that her husband might want to have sexual experiences with other people too.

Inviting a third (or forth) party into our sexual life can be a high risk emotionally. If she feels attracted to women, she knows she is bisexual, she does not have to prove it. If I see an attractive person, I dont need to shag him/her to know my sexuality!

Thank you

Both rather different points, but I take on board what you're both saying.

Bunny, I think i've always believed that we're all somewhere in the middle, sexually speaking, but recently I feel like i'm becoming more sexually confident and possibly hitting my sexual peak. I'm 28 and i'm starting to wonder whether i'm missing out on something amazing.

I know i'll always be attracted to men, but my fantasies about women are much more intense and erotic. Is that purely because I haven't acted on it?

hmm, I don't think it's as simple as all that, tbh

I think it sounds nice that your dp has more or less given you the green light but if you act on your feelings, are you sure that you could separate the sex from your emotions? Might you fall in love and want to leave your dp? Would you be using someone else as an experiment? If you'd said you wanted to sleep with another man, would your dp be OK with that? And if not, why then would it be Ok to sleep with another woman?

It all sounds fine and dandy till human emotions come into it. Thats when it can get complicated.

So by the same logic. If you've been indoctrinated all your life to be a vegetarian. But suspect you might like meat.

You should just suck it up, never give in to your urges and stick to the quorn?

Are you a catholic Quint??

The crucial point of the OP is that amibi has her partner's support to investigate an important part of her sexuality.

Much healthier than the Eleventy million threads on this board every single fucking day about partners cheating. And the inevitable 'Why why why' analysis.

If monogamy and faithfulness weren't so redundantly revered in this culture we'd have a lot more honesty and happiness.

Some people chip are actually capable of separating the two.

Shocking innit?

I know i'll always be attracted to men, but my fantasies about women are much more intense and erotic. Is that purely because I haven't acted on it?

It could be because it is uncharted terrain. Fantasies are often stronger than reality.

My point is rather, if you have a monogamous relationship, you are changing the goalposts when wanting to experiment, and you need to be totally honest. Could be you just feel the need for this once in a life time experience, but it could change your relationship for ever, and for no reason. Maybe you like the fantasy as a fantasy, and reality turn out to be disappointing. Then you need to weigh up the risk of your husbands emotional wellbeing after the event, as well a your own. It could be messy. It is never as straight forward as getting the green light to go ahead. What he thinks will be ok and acceptable, might in hindsight have far reaching consequences for your relationship, and you need to be prepared for that.

There was a poster here a few years ago that wanted to try a threesome, because she thought she might be bi, and she wanted her dh in on it. She regretted this badly.

I think you should go for it OP, if your DP is happy for you to do so. personally my DP and I enjoy meeting with other people to satisfy this desire.

bunny, if you are seriously comparing the consequences of betraying your food ethic with experimenting with the sexual health and emotional wellbeing of your marriage, then I wonder if you are deluded as to how your qourn feels betrayed when you eat your burger.

OP says DP not DH which leads me to believe she is not infact married

The bisexuality is different to the acting on it. Take warning in that a lot of people think they will not see their spouse forming a relationship with someone of the same gender as cheating but I'm reality they find it very hard. On a personal level I don't think from your perspective it is actually any different to having missed out on being with someone of either gender who you now would like to be with. Think very carefully about whether you really want to step outside your relationship no matter what your partner says about how they think they will feel.

And what does that minor detail infer puds?

That because they're not married it's only a "pretend" relationship so there's nothing at stake?

Ties in with my previous point about the deified nature on marriage on MN.

It is fundamentally a grass is greener temptation. It being connected to a wondering about your sexuality is fairly irrelevant IMHO.

I'm not throwing caution to the wind. I understand that just because dp has given me his blessing, it doesn't mean that it's necessarily going to be without consiquences.

Bunny, have you got experience with this? I can't tell you how confused I am right now. I'm so frustrated!

Bunny, it is not necessary to respond in such argumentative manner to others who responds with their opinion on the thread. I am sure the op is keen to hear all sorts of viewpoints. Not just yours "go ahead and enjoy".

I suspect your DP is keen for you to find out once and for all, rather than both of you spending the rest of your days wondering.

I have a friend who suspects her husband may be gay. He'd never act on it so they are left in some kind of limbo.

It is a fortunate woman, who is able to experiment, decide she prefers men, and her partner is still there, ready to resume life and their relationship as if nothing happened. Not everybody is that lucky.

whogivesa, do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Are your experiences with others, always together? Or do you have a completely open relationship?

Oh, I don't know what to do. Me and dp were talking about it again tonight(hence thread) and I just couldn't believe how cool he was about it all.

Might sound like a stupid question, but can you be bi sexual or gay if you've never actually acted on it, apart from the odd kiss etc?

Yes. Sexual orientation isn't about acting on it.

Yes. A person can be bi all her lfe, and opt not to act on it. In the same way as you dont have to act on any sexual urge with anybody. Try to stop thinking about it in terms of gender. Love is love, and sexual attraction is sexual attracitin, sometimes the two go hand in hand, and other times they dont....

From my perspective, you would not be so keen to have sex with another person if your relationship with your partner was really good. There is something missing, if these feelings resurface. The gender is a red herring.

I can somehow sense that you just want everybody to urge you on, and tell you to go for it. Fine, it is your life. Go for it if you must.