Am I bisexual? I really don't know what to make of my feelings. Can anyone relate?

[amibi]

Hi

Ok, so i've always been attracted to women, but very seldomly and it's a very specific type. My first sexual experience was with a woman, well a girl really.......I was only 14 and assumed that I was just experimenting. I've heard that loads of women's first kiss was practising on their best friends, which was kind of what my first sexual experience was. However, I can't seem to shake this need to go all the way. It was only a bit of a fumble when I was a teenager, but recent events have made me want to pursue my feelings more.

I confessed a month or so ago to DP that I find some women sexually attractive and that I get turned on with the idea of two women together. He said that he kind of already knew and if I were to act on these feelings, he wouldn't see it as cheating and so kind of gave me his blessing.

Since he's told me this I can't stop thinking about having a fling with my ideal woman. I feel like I really need to get it out of my system, but then if I like it, it wont really be out of my system will it?.....

Does anyone understand this? Should I just leave it as a fantasy? Or should I act on it?

Really appreciate your words of wisdom

Thank you!

@ OP - Yep I think you can be gay or bisexual without having ever acted on it. I am bisexual and I knew I liked men and women for ages before I'd ever had a sexual experience with a woman. My first sexual experience with another woman was everything I had hoped it would be and more. It was extremely different to with a man but very confortable at the same time.

I think it's great your husband is happy for you to explore this side to things. however I would warn you that in my experience many men think they wil be ok with it as they do not see two women together as being as threatening as if you slept with another man. They do not always realise how intense sexually and emotionally it can get, I find if I am with a woman it is very intense (although for me I only have relationships with men, long to explain!). So he could be unprepared for how he would actually feel.

My advice to you would be to take your time and think about exploring, being open with your husband the whole time and keeping discussion open, and to be prepared to put the brakes on if needed. Also never forget that whenever you have a sexual experience with someone else their feelings and wishes are as important as yours and your husbands. I've had experiences with couples and women who are in relationships (with everyones knowledge) and I would highly resent feeling like I am just there to fulfill a sexual fantasy and not seen and valued as a person in my own right. Which is why is happens rarely for me and with close friends only. :-)

I also do not agree that something is missing if you desire to sleep with someone of any gender. Speaking from my experiences sleeping with a man is VERY different to sleeping with a woman across all levels, its a hugely different dynamic and I think if someone wants to experience this, with the support of their partner, then go for it. However there are a lot of factors to take into consideration and I think the OP has to commit to stop the moment it gets into territory her partner is not happy with (if it does)if she were to go for it.

What you'll learn about MN is that monogamous marriage is venerated more than life itself and there's no wiggle room for consenting adults agreeing to things differently

Actually i'm not so sure about that. I think fantasising about others(same sex or not) is a normal part of life. I don't think it's a sign that you're on an unhappy relationship. I think it's a sign that we're human. Doesn't mean we always act on it, but we all have desires and they're not always about our partners are they?....... It's not a sign that your relationship is as good as over.

My ex partner's husband (of nearly 20 years) told her that if she really wanted to explore her attraction to women she should. Gave her his blessing to meet me in London. 11 years on and she's never been happier. She's had a varied bunch of very nice girlfriends and now has a lovely partner. Your husband should be aware that women who might like women, often do REALLY like them! Luckily my ex partner's ex husband is happy now too with his new wife.

Also, if you go down this path, just make sure the lady you 'get with' knows the situation. Lesbians have a hard enough time without just being a 'little experiment'. Of course, some love the 'no strings attached' thrill, but in reality, we're women... There's always gonna be serious emotions involved.

Good luck with your journey, whatever you chose to do, but be open and honest with it, to all concerned.

Sorry, i've cross posted

True to a certain extent Gay40, but as sundaysgirl points out, there are then 3 people to consider the moment the op steps out of the monogamous zone, and before she does, she needs to consider the emotions and consequences to all parties, not just herself, but her partner too.

But you seem to not be content with the fantasies any more, you seem to want to act on them, and that is where you really need to face yourself and your relationship with excruciating honesty.

Bunny, there was no need for the face and it takes a lot to shock me!

Some people can separate the two and some can't. I don't know the OP. Maybe she would have difficulty separating sex from emotion. You don't know her either.

It could be the best thing she ever does or it could be a hurtful disaster for three people.

Op. I could have written that.
Im not confused though . I have kind of come to the conclusion that Im just curious. Im not gay. I don't consider myself bi, although Im sure some people.would.

I haven't and won't activley go out and look for anything to happen with another woman but if it happened it happens iyswim .

Dh wouldn't mind.

For what it's worth, OP, statistics show that a remarkably high number of women have had fantasies about other women - something like 70%.

For some, they remain fantasies, while others act on them.

I'm never sure whether it's wise to try and label yourself - you are you, that's all. Of course it's possible to be "bi-sexual" and never act on it - the same as it's possible to be gay and never act on that (as has happened to many men and women in the past, causing all sorts of emotional distress & harm).

The important thing here is to keep all lines of communication open with your partner, and be certain that he's really as OK with it all as he says. Some people DO have open marriages successfully so why shouldn't you?

Just be wary of potential emotional minefields - although it sounds like you already are.

Hell, you're a long time dead .

Sorry for the short sentences. Blame the phone.

To add - fantasising about other people absolutely DOES NOT mean your relationship is unhappy! It's a normal part of human sexuality. It's only when people start trying to act on these fantasies in an underhand and deceitful fashion that relationships are undermined.

Gay and Crikey - it's nice to see back-up

Unhappiness, suppressed urges, celibacy, crap sex life, barely talking, missionary once a month, covering up your cheating or turning a blind eye to his?????

According to MN these options are all preferable to stepping outside the 'Fancy wedding....assume nanny role...watch telly till you die' norm.

Because being happily married and projecting that you're happily married is all that matters.

Quint So ANY feelings outside of this arbitrary, archaic agreement that is marriage means you must leave?? And anyone who thinks such things is in an unhappy relationship?

As ever the level of ignorance and projection on this board is laughable..

Because according to MN the moment that (so important) ring is placed upon your finger at the altar you lop your bits and your brain off and hand them to the celebrant.

I think the problem is the messiness of it all. Your DP says he would be open to it but only you and he know if he will feel OK with it if you do act on this. The other person (the possible third party) may have unresolved stuff.

I have had relationships where it was stated from the start that it was totally not a long-term prospect and not a love thing. The other party ALWAYS got feelings which ended up hurting them. Love and sex are connected. They don't have to be but with three people involved are they all going to be able to separate these things out?

What Gay40 said. You've been open with him. He's said he doesn't see it as cheating. I don't see the big deal, tbh.

BTW your DP sounds great and your relationship sounds great too.

As a male in your OH's position, the important element here is that you have been open about this and discussed it with him.
I assume your proposal here is effectively to have sex with someone and nothing more - if you are able to separate the physical and the emotional then there should be no problem.

It is possible that your OH's reaction will not be as cool after the reality, but again that is an issue you would need to discuss at that stage and if he is no longer OK with the idea, then you would (depending on the seriousness of the relationship) have to decide on monogamy or not again.
Ignore those who say that this is indicative of problems in a relationship - as long as there is honesty and discussion then that is certainly not definitely the case. 15 years down the line and it's certainly not had any impact on our (still very strong) marriage.
Good luck

Of course it would be cheating, the DP is just falling for the myth that all women are a bit "bi" and he's been socially conditioned to find the thought of two women having sex as a turn on. For the vast majority of men, the reality would be very different, I'm sure.

This "it's not really cheating if it's with the same sex" is bollocks, and potentially very dangerous and damaging bollocks to boot.

I agree mal. It wouldn't really be cheating if what you were doing is having sex with women as a fantasy within your relationship. If you want to explore your sexuality I don't think you will be able to do that within a relationship with your dp and I think him saying "it's not really cheating" is at best misguided and at worst homophobic.

I'd post my personal thoughts/feelings/experience but this is your first post op and there's been another suspicious first post about bisexuality very recently.

"As ever the level of ignorance and projection on this board is laughable.."

Talking about yourself here, bunnyL?

"Quint So ANY feelings outside of this arbitrary, archaic agreement that is marriage means you must leave?? And anyone who thinks such things is in an unhappy relationship?"

I dont even know where to begin to answer this, as I dont know if you are making yourself extraordinarily dim, or just unable to think outside your own box, or if you misunderstand everything I write on purpose.

I dont share your view on marriage, and I dont share your perception of "mumsnets view on marriage" (is there one??) maybe that is the problem. It does not even matter whether the OP is married or not, marriage is not an issue.

Only the op will know whether her relationship is otherwise great or not. It is up to her to soul search. But it is possible.

I have spent enough time reading the relationship boards to see what upset cheating causes, whether "okayed" first or not, and what a minefield it can be when bringing a third person into a relationship. It is a long leap from there to the opinions you attempt to assign me with and that you profess I hold. It is laughable. Funnily, you seem to be the only person to draw these types of conlusions to what I say. Which means that engaging any further with you will just derail the thread.

Is your DP eyeing up a future threesome?

amibi our experiences are always together. although DP wouldn't mind myself and and another lady together, but i think he would like to watch. although thinking about it he would probably be happy to hear about it after!

my DP and are a completely in love with each other, I couldn't deal with an open relationship. We enjoy seeing each other receiving and giving pleasure.

Of course you can have fantasies outside of your relationship, I do and I am sure he does. I think that makes the big difference is not acting on them unless the other partner is aware and happy for you to do so.

there are places that you can go where this is ok to do, think swingers, but not scary. if you would like to know of some places, or maybe just talk in a more in dept way then feel free to pm me.