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Original poster

Am I bisexual? I really don't know what to make of my feelings. Can anyone relate?

114 replies

amibi · 30/08/2012 22:21

Hi

Ok, so i've always been attracted to women, but very seldomly and it's a very specific type. My first sexual experience was with a woman, well a girl really.......I was only 14 and assumed that I was just experimenting. I've heard that loads of women's first kiss was practising on their best friends, which was kind of what my first sexual experience was. However, I can't seem to shake this need to go all the way. It was only a bit of a fumble when I was a teenager, but recent events have made me want to pursue my feelings more.

I confessed a month or so ago to DP that I find some women sexually attractive and that I get turned on with the idea of two women together. He said that he kind of already knew and if I were to act on these feelings, he wouldn't see it as cheating and so kind of gave me his blessing.

Since he's told me this I can't stop thinking about having a fling with my ideal woman. I feel like I really need to get it out of my system, but then if I like it, it wont really be out of my system will it?.....

Does anyone understand this? Should I just leave it as a fantasy? Or should I act on it?

Really appreciate your words of wisdom

Thank you!

OP posts:
Offred · 31/08/2012 10:43

Who - I'm not sure how your relationship is not a type of open relationship? Is it that you have purely sexual experiences and don't actually see them as anything other than that. I would see that as a fetish rather than bisexuality as such.

Gay40 · 31/08/2012 10:56

I don't think it is cheating if your partner knows and has given the go ahead and is quite happy about it !! That is called: two adults negotiating their own terms of a relationship. If your terms are monogamy, then fine. If not, then fine.
Cheating is lying, deception, gaslighting, covering up, denying. The OP has quite clearly stated her case.
Whether it's with a male or a female is not relevant.

Gay40 · 31/08/2012 10:58

I do wish people would stop thinking monogamy is the holy grail and accept that it isn't for everyone. And stop trying to put a label on every aspect of human sexuality. Grow up!

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 31/08/2012 10:58

You have had these feelings since being a teenager, so they are unlikely to go away. But you need to consider what they really mean and why they are coming to the fore now.

Are you interested in a purely sexual experience as an experiment? Do you really want a woman as a partner? Are you unhappy of dissatisfied in your current relationship? And please dont just rush into the swingers scene. I think you need to do a lot more unpacking off your feelings here and what you want to do about them.

In terms of has anyone else felt like this? There was a very active thread on here about 4? months ago called the Turning Tavern. It had mainly women on it who were with male partners, but who had some attraction to women. You might find it useful to read? Some stayed with their male partner and kept it as a fantasy. They was also at least 1 fling i think? and 1 left her husband. What you do has to be right for you and whatever you do will have some consequences, so please think this over carefully.

expatinscotland · 31/08/2012 10:59

I completely agree, Gay40!

Gay40 · 31/08/2012 11:03

The relationships board is full of stories of lying partners. To be honest, reading through some of the meh that goes on, some of the time my sympathy is with the partner that has buggered off.

The OP is not talking about lying or deceiving. They've talked about it. They've discussed it and want to continue their relationship under their own parameters. Why anyone would think was an earth-shattering situation is beyond me.

Gay40 · 31/08/2012 11:05

Are most women bi? No. Stop forcing people into descriptors that don't fit.
Do they fantasise about women? I've no idea, but some do.
Does it mean the end of a hetereosexual relationship? It might for some, not for others.
Are you alone in these thoughts? Hell no.

chipmonkey · 31/08/2012 11:43

The other question is, does your dp expect anything in return for "allowing" you to experiment?
Is it then OK for him to go off with another woman/man? Have a threesome?And would you be OK with this?
Maybe he doesn't expect anything in return but I would ask the question!

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 31/08/2012 11:54

Excellent point chip.

Also OP you talk about wanting to get it out of your system, but then say this may not be possible. You have been attracted to women for a long time. So this is unlikely to disappear. I cant see why having a fling with a woman would make this attraction disappear?

So this issue is more about what you want to do about this attraction.

And if you do stay with your current partner and see another woman, remember to be totally upfront with her about the limits of your relationship. It would be very unfair if you have no intention of ever leaving your male partner, no to to be upfront with her about that.

Offred · 31/08/2012 12:42

That's exactly my point gay. I'm not saying monogamy is the holy grail I'm saying having more than one sexual partner is not monogamy. Hmm

The point is that it is irrelevant whether the person is male or female, that cheating is cheating irrespective of gender and that saying sex with another man would be cheating but sex with a woman is not is somewhat homophobic - just what is the difference exactly? Because this is where I think this whole house of "a woman isn't really cheating" cards often falls down that the dp doesn't see another woman as threatening because they see the possible relationship as inferior.

GentleLentilWeaver · 31/08/2012 12:47

It's not cheating if it's agreed though - and the gender is irrelevant. Yes it's not monogamy. But many are fine with this!

EatsBrainsAndLeaves · 31/08/2012 12:52

Totally agree Offred, it is homophobic. The OP's partner thinks a sexual relationship with a woman is not a real sexual relationship

Offred · 31/08/2012 13:00

Op what would worry me is whether your dp was making a really thought through decision. "it isn't cheating if it is a woman" isn't a good sign.

I think it would be possible for a loving partner who wanted monogamy to be fine with letting their partner explore sexual experiences they felt they needed to without that ending their relationship and with consent.

I also think it is possible to successfully have a variety of different kinds of open relationships.

I think it is fine to be monogamous if you choose.

I don't think it is healthy to think sex with a man would be cheating but not with a woman. As I said before if this is about exploring your sexuality then I think this statement is a but misguided as you can't tell what feelings it will throw up in the process. What exactly is your dp agreeing to? I think you need to discuss it further. What exactly does cheating mean to him and why is it not cheating if it is a woman?

Offred · 31/08/2012 13:09

And yes he's a grown man and should be able to make his own decisions and the op shouldn't have to baby him but I think the last thing the op wants is to shit all over her current relationship or make her partner feel crap.

Original poster
amibi · 31/08/2012 15:37

Offred, it's not cheating because i'm not lying to him. I'm not hiding anything from him. Explain how that is cheating.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2012 15:39

If it was a man, and you told him, would it be cheating? I think it would. Whether he or you cares is another matter.

Original poster
amibi · 31/08/2012 15:45

I wouldn't want a romantic relationship with another women(as far as I can tell now) It would purely be sexual and so therefore not a thread to DP. It's not that he doesn't see 2 women together as 'real' sex or anything like that. Definitely NOT

OP posts:
Original poster
amibi · 31/08/2012 15:48

threat sorry, not thread

OP posts:
Original poster
amibi · 31/08/2012 15:59

No, if it were a man and I told him, it wouldn't be cheating either. I think we're all agreed that it has nothing to do with gender. If I went out and had sex with a women without his blessing,that would be cheating in the same way that it would if I had sex with another man behind his back. At the risk of repeating what's already been said, cheating is about lies and deceit.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibi · 31/08/2012 16:01

So would you say that a consenting couple in an open relationship were constantly cheating?.......

OP posts:
whogivesaduck1 · 31/08/2012 16:02

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shockers · 31/08/2012 16:09

I would also say that 'cheating' is when you do something that you know would hurt your partner, so you try to keep it from them.

Having said that, there may be feelings that arise from this sort of situation that you will also want to keep from your partner, that is where the difficulty starts because you might feel you have to lie about your emotions. That may, or may not happen... you simply won't know until after you've done it.

chipmonkey · 31/08/2012 16:13

amibi do you have children?

CrikeyOHare · 31/08/2012 16:14

I don't really understand the attitude of some people on this thread.

Grown ups are quite entitled to have whatever kind of relationship they choose. Just because some of you wouldn't seek sex outside of a marriage, doesn't by default mean that it must always be wrong if someone else does.

If her DP knows and gives his blessing, then she's NOT cheating.

And, guess what, maybe - just maybe - her partner does differentiate between sex with another man and sex with another woman. The first may feel threatening to him, the second not. Who are any of we to say that his attitude is wrong? His attitude is his attitude and he's entitled to it.

I don't think it is healthy to think sex with a man would be cheating but not with a woman. What's "unhealthy" about it if that's what he feels? There's no right or wrong here, there's just two people being honest with each other about what they can and cannot handle.

CrikeyOHare · 31/08/2012 16:17

If it was a man, and you told him, would it be cheating? It would only be cheating if she went behind her DPs back and told him after the event that she'd had sex with another man. If he knew in advance & accepted it, then of course it wouldn't be cheating.