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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gone with the condiments

999 replies

LouP19 · 30/08/2012 21:12

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!! Grin

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!! Confused

OP posts:
SweetFannyCraddock · 01/09/2012 17:27

I'm not going to repost my previous posts, which would give a slightly different angle.

Athendof · 01/09/2012 17:29

I think your words would comfort my ex hugely, actually, they comfort me too. I have not seen him in years but he still keeps asking his solicitor to send me letters threaten me with orders and injunctions everytime he bumps with someone slightly resemblant of me.

SweetFannyCraddock · 01/09/2012 17:29

However, and please, please don't take this the wrong way, I do think that any specialist advice given by strangers over the internet should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Athendof · 01/09/2012 17:38

Yes because for what is worth we all could be 16 years old inexperienced girls asking you to behave like one of us ;-)

SweetFannyCraddock · 01/09/2012 17:39

Yep, look at JF.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2012 17:53

'This 'hiding' has got to be very significant. I strongly suspect that OW has been fed an utter pile of bullcrap about his situation, and he's bricking himself about her finding out the truth. Because of she does as well then he really is up shit creek. He's living his life like a rabbit in headlights at the moment, and the desire to expose him is all consuming.'

Don't expose him. Use the threat of exposing him to extract from him what you want in terms of a settlement if you can at all. You don't have to be explicit (eg: 'if you don't give me X, Y and Z then I will waddle up to your door and the shit will hit the fan') and in fact it would be a really bad idea to do that, but you could hint -- 'I'm sure in the circumstances you want to get this over with as quickly and as amicably as possible. This is how I see a fair settlement and I hope over the next ten minutes you will sign at the various places marked with an X and we can get out of each others' lives forever'. That might be a best case scenario Smile, but if he really is scared shitless about his double life being exposed to the OW and thus facing homelessness or moving in with his parents he might be willing to not string this out or fight over stupid things, maybe even not ask for visitation and agree to child support.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2012 17:57

Hire a PI. It will be well worth it.

tara0202 · 01/09/2012 18:10

He he bossy forest fans are very particular about not being called notts forest as just over the road is notts county. Can't confuse the two Wink

Busybusybust · 01/09/2012 18:18

Yes, hire a PI. You need to know where he is. I think OW has been lied to as well. I don't think it costs very much. Your case is very simple -it's merely followng someone home - I think you I'll get an answer for less than £100.

This is of course if BabylonPI doesn't manage to find out,

SweetFannyCraddock · 01/09/2012 18:21

I totally agree with hiring a pi. All above board etc.

Busybusybust · 01/09/2012 18:21

Gawd - he really is he'd most stunning tosser, isn't he. Really, seriously strange. He will never be happy - or, sadly, make anyone happy.

Portofino · 01/09/2012 18:22

If I am the boring grown up and serious person being referred to by Lou earlier, well sorry to spoil the fun. Um Lou is 36 years old and up bloody shit creek really. Pg, could lose her house, dh total bastard. If being grown up and serious means advising Lou to take steps to protect herself legally and not to stalk people, then I hold up my hands. I leave it to the rest of you to make hysterical assumptions, link to strange womens profiles on the Internet and encourage the stalking and flirting with men. Because that is obviously much more entertaining.

Portofino · 01/09/2012 18:26

Agree with Lissie - if you want to know where he is Lou then a PI is your best hope. They are constricted by the law and are experts, after all.

mathanxiety · 01/09/2012 18:33

Busybusy -- his unhappiness is his own business. His real crime is to involve two innocent babies in his fuckwittery.

(The idea that losing the house is of necessity a negative can't really be stated as a certainty.)

Jux · 01/09/2012 18:37

There are several ways of finding out where he lives now.

Follow him, as you have already tried.
Wait for solicitor to discover.
Hire a PI.

I see a fundamental difference between the first and the other two. The first requires planning and action on your part. The others leave you sitting around waiting.

I suspect that at the moment you feel the need for action, so you are doing that. I also suspect that your attempts will continue to be unsuccessful, and that you will find out where he lives from the solicitor, in due course.

Now, if there are any chemists or vets on the thread, I'd really like to know if humans can put Frontline for cats on themselves? I have a thread in the litter tray which is being thoroughly ignored, and I am miffed. Grin. I really do want to know!

And I have no idea what to do for supper this evening, so I need suggestions!

SweetFannyCraddock · 01/09/2012 18:41

We are having a curry. Its a saturday! No idea on the cats thing though, I have a dog who is too smelly, even for fleas.

SweetFannyCraddock · 01/09/2012 18:43

I totally understand the need to take control, its just that you are more likely to get an answer from a PI, and it will all be above board and legal, and not something that can be later used against lou.

OhDearNigel · 01/09/2012 18:46

I would like to clarify the harassment legislation as there seems to be some confusion over it on this thread.

Harassment as defined by the PFH act requires the defendant to have carried out a "course of conduct" which they knew or should reasonably have known was of a harassing nature. A course of conduct requires at least 2 occassions close enough together to form a pattern (eg every day, every friday for a month)
Following your separated husband to try and establish an address for him when he has refused to provide you with one is not a course of conduct for harassment. I presume that if Lou found out the information she wants that would be it. If she carried on following him home every day then we would be straying into the arena of stalking.

Whether I think it is a good idea is a separate matter from whether Lou is infringing any criminal law and whether she could get into trouble with the police. I don't think it is probably a great idea from a divorce proceedings perspective but I have no knowledge of family law so will no attempt to give an opinion.

garlicnuts · 01/09/2012 18:50

It says in BIG LETTERS on the Frontline pack that you shouldn't use it on humans. Cat fleas don't stay on humans, anyway. But you could try insect repellent. Or get rid of the fleas!

Bossybritches22 · 01/09/2012 18:51

Than you oh dear Nigel , that makes it very clear.

tara0202 · 01/09/2012 18:54

Curry here too!

No idea about the front line jux but I did once give my dog chloramphenicol eye drops when he caught conjunctivitis from dd! Cleared his eye up a treat.

tuckingfits · 01/09/2012 18:54

Jux - do you mean you want to wear frontline?! I don't think you should - I'm sure the instructions on the box say to avoid contact... Not the answer you want to hear I'm sure. Bloody flea bites are horrendous. Maybe try Avon skin so soft if you have any kicking about - it's good for dropping midges biting you & they usually ignore anything you put on. Might be worth a try...

Lou,I think you're doing great - sorry once again for going off topic (freestyle,I like to think of it...). I second hiring a PI if BabylonPI doesn't get a result. I also think there's nothing wrong with a little bit of flirting or at least enjoyment of being chatted up. Although I was a bit surprised that someone told you not to worry,of course you'll meet someone else. Of course you will,but don't rush it!!

GiserableMitt · 01/09/2012 18:54

Sorry but I laughed at "If you think there is a quiche who are out to do down certain posters then you are wrong" Blush

Ambergold · 01/09/2012 18:57

When I eventually cleaned under the bed I could have knitted several more cats with the fluff I found Blush Hi Lou hope you have had a lovely tea.

tuckingfits · 01/09/2012 18:58

Posted too soon - didn't spell check or include my position that some of the best times of my life have been when I was single & relearning myself. Right ow I'd really benefit from being able to take dog for a nice long walk & just be in my head space mulling things over quietly instead of constantly at the beck & call of DP & DS!! Not the same,I appreciate,but some fresh air,exercise & thinking time sounds wonderful!