Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

What is irrelevant?

It is natural to post about ourselves in the best possible light. We present our story/our argument from our POV. Of course we do. The best threads are where there is a bit of toing and froing. Where a bit of question asking reveals the "whole" story. In this case, it is clear that twunt's behaviour is awful and inexcusable. But understanding where that came from and where he is now goes a long way towards defining what advice we should give now.

Is he just evil, was he under unbearable stress, what does he want to do now, and most importantly - how does Lou feel about that. Well these are all open questions. If I were Lou, I would choose not to care - at least I think I would. But that doesn't mean the rest of us can just fill the gaps willy nilly.

What is? I'm confused.

I think what people mean is, that, no it's not excusable, but seeing as we don't know this man it's no more helpful to diagnose him with a rare PD than it is to speculate about whether he's is/was depressed/under strain/is just a wanker.

RIGHT LOU - most important advice....

Get settled on sofa - Great British Bake Off starting in 21 minutes....

And an unMN hug for getting through that scan xxx

Jux - but for all we KNOW Lou could have had an hour long monologue on the TTC subject on the way to the market, whereby he had had enough, chucked her out the car and said he didn''t want to consider the idea for months as he was sick of it. Lou would not see it like that of course. She would just register the act and the rejection. And I am not saying it it is HER fault or that his behaviour was good or justified, but this is the level of info we are working on.

Porto - you love facts don't you? So how do you square your opinion that he must be very stressed with the fact that this man was together enough to hire a van remove all his property from the marital home INCLUDING the chutney and Worcester sauce.

You must realise that a man Who can suddenly announce to his wife at a farmers' market that he has suddenly decided that he is not sure about children , despite knowing that his wife is desperate for a baby, but it is not to be discussed until he is ready just has to be a total shit, and all this is pre-meditated.

The other thing I am uncomfortable about, is your continued 'devil's advocate' posting on this thread, despite Lou asking you not to. All in all, Porto, I really don't think you helping Lou at all.

Your recent posts show the particular prism you are viewing the situation through porto, and explain your particular view and thought process. I can see now why you are so keen people don't make Chutney out to be the bad guy. I still do not agree with most of your posts but the most recent ones explain a lot.

I didn't mention ttc on the way to the farmer's market, that was why it shocked me so much when he turned round and said to me that he wanted to stop trying. Just as we pulled up for a sunny day out in Bakewell. Anyway, no point dwelling on that just now, but it came completely out of the blue. And this was often the case with him, I thought everything was 'ok' and then he'd hit me with something that felt like a completely punch to the stomach. I would have no idea it was coming,....

I must admit last summer I talked to a close friend and my mum about the 'farmer's market incident' (and no one else because I was very worried about it), and they were very concerned. Even when I talked about it on here I got warnings about the relationship only every being about him. This comment really upset me (I've made a long reference to it in my diary), but I kept quiet and really really gave the marriage a go. Looking back now I probably gave him exactly what he wanted - good behaviour, completely compliance, not talking about anything difficult. But at that point in time, even though I was devastated, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And just to reiterate, it wasn't what he said, but more HOW he said it. This has been frequently my cause for concern with him. All these huge problems he's created for us over the last few months - ok they're massive and unsurmountable, but it's the way he's dealt with it (or more likely the way he hasn't) that tells me our relationship is over. I cannot live with someone who's idea of dealing with a crisis is to run away and leave me to pick up the pieces.

I'm rambling, sorry. I guess my point is I really worked hard last year on trying to get him and us through a rough patch. We didn't talk about ttc for several months after this incident, and it only really ramped up a bit from the New Year when we were referred to the clinic.

So it was undoubtedly a pressure, but I can't help feel he exploited that situation to meet his needs and to his advantage.

Explain a huge amount, but none of it's relevant to Lou. The why doesn't matter, and only Lou and those she knows in RL can have any sort of take on that, so any speculation on,those lines is irrelevant and hijacking.

I'm sure Lou - as has been said - is able to make judgements about the accuracy of whatever people on here say and how much the reflect her reality. She doesn't need anyone policing it for her.

So I say again, irrelevant.

And raise you "time wasting" and "hijacking".

You don't have to justify yourself Lou.

No the "prism" that I am working though is that, if I had taken one sided advice from the "leave the bastard" crew on MN, my husband would have killed himself. He would. He had it all worked out. Maybe you don't understand why I am so hot on advice being good, and accurate and not based on one side of the story.

MY husband would be DEAD if I had gone with the party line.

I strongly suspect that the things he took when he left were the things that the OW expected him to turn up with. If he told her he had separated from Lou for any length of time & was staying (eg) with his parents, then she would expect him to have bought chutneys etc in that time & also have had some division of household stuff (teaspoons?!) when he had 'moved out'. Arriving with just his clothes would be suspicious.

Please, stop giving porto such a hard time, it seems at times that it doesn't matter what she says, you will find something offensive in it.

Lou, that sounds hard. I know how ftc took it out of me. Having sex when you don't feel like it, in case. Putting off a row, in case. Its shit.

Where you under a rmc clinic or normal fertility? Its just you said that scans were because of mc history. If you want to talk over the ttc/mc aspect (because it will colour your feelings) please feel to pm me. My prev names were lissie/lissielou/oracleinacoracle. I have loads of experience in fertility/mc. I just dot use the ttc boards now

We've just had scrummy omelettes. I wanted to type that as my auto-correct doesn't like "scrummy" and changes it to "scummy" .

Lou - I understood from your first thread that, although ex was particularly difficult since November, there have been times in the past years in your relationship where he acted unexpected and out of character, if not for long?

Porto, you don't have to justify yourself. I'm sure lou (who is the important one) knows what you were trying to say.

Porto, you don't have to justify yourself. I'm sure lou (who is the important one) knows what you were trying to say.

Maybe the OW actually has a DH somewhere out there who is left wondering why the F his DW has left with forks, hoover, cheese biscuits, cushions and loo roll holder

I guess it's fairly feasible that Chunt and OW have rented a furnished flat so they have the basics but not the chutney shaped trimmings ?

I think the only thing inexplicable in the face of two pregnancies is the viagra prescription.

Me ExH had it all worked out too. He told me he was going to put his foot on the electrified rail line. I know the exact spot where he could easily have got over the fence and he did too. I'm surprised more people don't kill themselves there. He didn't do it. It wouldn't have been my fault if he had.

Yes Euro, he's always been volatile. And always bolted after an argument. And always been very melodramatic. 'I'm leaving you' he'd shout after an argument about whose turn it was to wash the pots, slam the door, and then leave me in tears,...

At first, when we moved in together, this devastated me. But after a while I became immune to it, and saw it for the attention seeking behaviour it was. And I realised that he'd usually wander around Asda for hours and come back home at 10pm with shit loads of food shopping. So after a while I just accepted that this was the way he dealt with things - i.e. by storming off, 'bolting', and then it'd take him days/hours before he'd speak to me again.

I hated this aspect of out relationship, but after getting to know his family I saw it was the way they all behaved,.... So I kind of got used to it. But it meant that even when he was really nice to me there was always that element of unpredictability. Which kept me on edge.

Math, that's shit. Its the difference between someone being ill (as porto's dh was/is) and being a manipulative cunt (as your ex was/is) isn't it?

Sounds exhausting Lou.

Oh Lou. :( You may have been happy but sounds like he was abusive from the start and just escalated. :(