Lou,I?ve followed these threads from the beginning, and also remember you posting about the melodramatic incident when your H left you in a lay-by.
I only occasionally post in Relationships as I?m reluctant to meddle when serious decisions have to be made by women I don?t know from Eve. However, I?m sticking my head above the parapet to act (though only to a tiny extent) as a bit of a devil?s advocate for your H.
I?m wondering if the stress of the ttc situation put a strain on you both ? a strain which manifested itself in his case with some irrational behaviour ? eg storming out of the house, the farmers? market scenario ? before the ultimate betrayal of his affair.
My GP aunt confided in my mother that she was relieved when her daughter decided against going down the fertility clinic and ttc path because she saw first-hand in her surgery what a severe strain it put on both individuals and their marriages. My cousin ended up conceiving a year later anyway, but it shows how much it can affect people for my aunt to have preferred her own daughter not to try it.
Of course, this if true would in no way excuse what this man did ? but it might provide some explanation of why he veered so spectacularly off the rails, when you said yourself you had previously been very happy together.
And he?s one frightened, panicked man, now. Many men manage to get away scot-free, the bastards, but his fingers have been so burnt his armpits are scorched. I reckon what he?d dearly love now is to be back snuggled up to you and the cats and the bump, and for the OW and her bump to magically evaporate ? but unfortunately for him ? and sadly you - he?s not going to escape the consequences as easily, the stupid sod.
As for some of the other aspects of his behaviour that have given rise to contempt on here ? the chutney extraction and the gift-wrapped cat-food, for example ? I can honestly say that I can see my own DH doing this sort of bizarre stuff. In fact, when I was reading about the chutney I tutted out loud, and my DH asked why. When I explained, he said, ?But what?s so wrong with that?? I made an attempt to enlighten him but soon gave up. Sometimes I think they?re not just a different sex but a different species. (Though I think even he would have known better than to present me with The List.)
Furthermore, even though we?ve been married thirty-odd years, my DH still doesn?t know the right words to say if he wants to apologise or make it up with me ? I think he?d like to brush the aftermath of conflict under the carpet never to be mentioned again. Fortunately he?s got enough good points to make it worthwhile to continue, and I suppose he puts up with some bad behaviour from me.
If it?s the case that you do want to be rid of him pdq, Lou, I certainly don?t blame you ? I?d personally find the situation with the OW?s baby very difficult if not impossible to take on board. It just seems that an assumption has been made that this is what is going to happen, whereas it?s the same as with the pregnancy ? you must do what you want without regard for what any poster on mn says.