Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

It does, mistle :) I thought yours & Dating's posts both encompassed that thought too. "Life is what happens while you're making other plans", true enough ...

Oooh, Mushroom, that was one of my favourites before I had to fucking give up fucking dairy! I grate(d) nutmeg into the sauce :)

Beckamaw, I love what you said about lemons and making lemonade That's bloody great that is, I like it a lot!!

Porto, I absolutely agree with you re the tiredness - I also struggled to make it to the end of eastenders in the first trimester all 3 times

mushroom I make that too, but with the juice of half a lemon and loads of fresh dill. Yum!

Just got in from a busy night shift, and trying to wind down before bed, but all your recipes are making me so hungry! Anyway, Lou, I was thinking about all this, and something a dr said at work made me think. She said that things happen for a reason (a cliche I know, one we've all heard before) but perhaps you know, this baby is meant to be. You tried so long for a baby, and it's ironic that now you're pregnant without him, but perhaps, just perhaps, it was meant to be this way.

Sure you'll have all the support you need in RL and on here when you've made your decision, so wishing you find some peace and happiness soon.

Night, Saffy

Morning Lou

Every day that passes your strength shines through stronger and stronger. You will make the right decision for you and whatever you decide the whole of mn will be here to support you.

I have been in the wide awake club since 4am reading all the delicious recipes, I've never really been a huge meat eater and now that my only DS is flying the nest I can choose to eat to please myself so inspired by your thread I am going to try out lots more veggie options. It will be cheaper too.... Eyes cat and wonders if he wants to be veggie too

Have a good day, it's glorious sunshine here I hope it us for you too.

Doh!! is for you too

Make the list! And get those fairy lights. If there is one really obvious advantage to living alone it's that you can choose your surroundings with no input from anyone else.

It's interesting what garlic said about 'the other garlic' on the previous page. I think we all have our 'sliding doors' moments where we wonder how our lives might have turned out if we'd done something different - had a baby at 19 or not met our partner when we did, done things at a different time, or not at all.

FWIW, I think if I hadn't had my kids I'd have a decent career by now. When I got pregnant with DS1 my boss was pushing me to take some professional exams. If I'd taken them I'd have earned more money and probably gone on to be a much more significant part of the business. I was literally on the cusp of that when I got pregnant (I often wish I'd known that at the time and how easily I'd get pregnant as I'd have probably have put it off for another year, if so).

I'd have travelled a lot more too. DH and I loved to travel and spent all our disposable income on it before we had kids. All of that has had to be largely put on hold as travelling with kids is a bit of a PITA. We've tried to be more adventurous, we've flown long-haul, we've stayed in nice hotels, but it's all so exhausting with little kids in tow. Much eatsier o self-cater and take our car with all the crap we need for the kids, so now we go somewhere close to home. Suffice to say, we often daydream about the lovely holidays we had pre-kids ...

But I wouldn't change having my DSs. They're bloody hard work a lot of the time, but I think how empty and self-absorbed my life would be without them. I just wish I could get the balance of mothering/adult time sussed out a bit better!

Morning all, thanks for the recipes (that mascarpone one sounds delish!), and thanks for sharing your amazing story too garlic. Agree, life tends to just happen while we're making plans,...........

Got a scan today at the hospital and will have to book a provisional termination date, probably for next Friday. Not going to panic about this, it has to be done and then I can at least concentrate on the matter in hand for the next 10 days or so. And also try and take some time out and chill too. Slept very well last night, seem to be having one night where I don't sleep well, followed by another where I could sleep for 12 hours. Still feel so so tired, so trying to go with that a bit too,..... I was trying to sleep on the sofa yesterday early evening and the cat just kept miaowing at me very loudly and giving me evils. Mum not allowed to kip during the day, ha ha!

Going to do a bit of food shopping today too, smoked salmon going in the basket.

And yes the sun is shining here too. September is one of my favourite months, I wish I could just pack a bag and the two cats and rent a cottage on the Cornish north coast for the whole of September. Just see the sea, feel the bracing air, watch the sunsets, go shopping in my favourite shops (seasalt, fatface, white stuff), eat vegetarian pasties and lots of cream teas.

Actually, Lou, re what you've just said -

Have you been away from your house/village/parents etc for any time since all this happened? Cornwall, and for a month, probably isn't feasible, but could you go somewhere now for a couple of days? Get away from it all in terms of distance and routine (cats, etc) - perhaps ask your wonderful parents to house-sit so you don't have to worry about that. It might help clear your head, and put you in touch with you, like when you go on holiday and come back things more clearly and knowing what you want to get on with doing. I always think like that when I get back from hols (though whether or not I actually live up to it afterwards is a moot point.)

'seeing things more clearly'. Sorry

Not posted on any of your threads before lou (I don' think) but have read some bits.

May I just add that without a doubt his is a twat.

Thankyou

BTW the readjustment of past events when you look at them in the light of the affair is quite unsettling. Bit like being seasick at times. You are busy looking at a normal horizon, everything looking as expected, and then the deck lurches and your view shifts dramatically and you end up with emotional puke all over your shoes.

Orm, your seasickness image is just so very true.

Lou, hope today helps you, and you get through it OK.

Orm, that is a very good description. The rollercoaster of seasickness that lurches up and down.

I had a date on Sunday which was lovely, but a couple of times I wanted to cry because he wasnt the STBXH. Not fair on my date, lol.

Lou just get plenty of rest and think seriously about your future. You have canvassed opinions on here about being a single parent, so you are seriously considering all your options and you have heard both sides of the story from people like Garlic as well. None of us can or should sway you one way or the other, it is your life and your decision. But if you want to do it, you can and will do it. Your strength so far has shown that you are capable of dealing with whatever life throws at you.

We are all here to support you whatever your decision. Once you have made it, you can start to plan for the future. I know with my own divorce, as each area is cleared, (access, mortgage, maintenance etc), it all becomes clearer and a little weight is lifted off my shoulder each time.

how empty and self-absorbed my life would be - you know, Juneau, this is a commonly-held misapprehension. Yes, I said it's great to be selfish: I meant things like being able to go to Thailand, straight from work, on a whim. Being free to decorate your home to your own taste throughout. Being available for whatever evening classes you want to take, as well as for nights out and for babysitting! I'm gloriously selfish, but I really don't imagine anyone would call my life empty or self-absorbed.

I'm at the other end of bringing up kids - flown - and, I tell you, it goes by so fast!

It's very tempting to go for the 'perfect' life, particularly as we are very much led to believe we can have it if we try hard enough, are on the front foot quick enough. I think the vast majority of lives are bumbling along lives tbh - and there's something to be said for them. We have the one shot and the pressure can be intense to make it all-singing, to be worthy in some sense, memorable. I'm hanging about like a lost lamb at the mo because my kids are gone and I'm trying to pick up my life where I left off all that time ago. But of course I have been living, just living with the needs etc of little, getting bigger, people as my moreorless top priority for a long time. But, as I said, it goes by in a flash. cliche but it's true - surely it was only a few months ago that ds was trundling along on his trike. I do genuinely think this. It was worth every second and the career I gave up in tv to bring them up could have been wonderful, I guess (though I could just have easily been a bank clerk iyswim), but I have friends from that time who did go on to have dazzling careers in the media and one stayed with me this weekend. She didn't have kids and that's a big issue for her.

I don't mean to present a black or white scenario - of course there are many who have managed to 'have it all' (though for most it has run them ragged), many who didn't have children and don't regret it, many who had children and halted their career, as I did (long story). I don't think there is a 'perfect' life tragectory. I don't actually think we are entirely in control of how our lives pan out either. You can put your soldiers in a row but whether they 'take' or not is another thing altogether.

actually, not 'something' to be said for bumbling along lives - a lot to be said for bumbling along lives.

Well, you didn't ask for my opinion but I'm the child of a narcissist who is far more evil than Chunt (Shocking to believe it's true, right?)

Now I'm 20, the relationship I have with my mum matches no other. She truly is my best friend and my inspiration to help women who weren't given help in her day and time. I know a lot of people say their mum is their best friend, but my mum truly, truly is. I was a product of marital rape. Mum's talked honestly with me about how little she wanted me during pregnancy but how I became the light of her world when I was born. I have no photos of my useless 'father' interacting with me, my DB has a few which he is disgusted by.

I do have a lot of happy memories of our poverty. Mum remembers cleaning my schoolmates toilets as the happiest of her life because her children felt safe, despite the humiliation she denies but must have felt. I never felt different, and when I was old enough to notice we didn't have what the other kids had (we were both on scholarships) Yes? I was jealous. But I grew from that. I may not have travelled to Europe or had a CD player when I was in grade 2, but I developed much more stamina and determination than the majority of my classmates, as they had jobs lined up in family businesses. My mother and I have worked so hard through the years to get us to where we are.

My brother is a very fast rising politician at 22 (I love him anyway ) and I'm working my way to becoming a police officer or a social worker. Options have opened up to work for the ICC if I play my cards right. At this stage, who knows? All I know is my mum chose to have me, raise me when I was a bloody nightmare child due to horrific abuse and here we are, the lght is shining at the end of the tunnel.

I'd call our life a fairytale one. We slayed the dragon by succeeding. My pride for my brother makes me want to burst!

I thought you might like 'the child's' perspective, obviously I can't offer you mum's. Abortion wasn't an option for her anyway (illegal at the time.)

My point is...I'll never forget everything my mum has and will continue to do for me. I remember us getting a playstation (the original) and our excitement and joy. I found out at 16 she'd taken a loan to give my DB and I a Christmas miracle. There are many things I want. But who doesn't have things they want? My mum taught me to earn what I wanted and fight for what's right.

I wouldn't change a damn thing.

Sorry, I know you didn't ask for my story, but I wanted to share it in case it helps you decide what you do want, whether that be a life like my my mother's, or avoiding those circumstances. :)

I'm thinking of you Lou, I'm sure at the last minute you'll just know whether you want a child or not. Just remember, the choice is YOURS, not Chunt's.

P.S. Forgot to mention mum didn't leave my dad until I was three.

Funny how someone else mentioned Sliding Doors, i was reading and thinking that your life is about to be very much like the Sliding Doors movie, you are on the cusp of your life possibly going in one of two very different directions, and there are two different outcomes, but which one is right for you? Its hard but its also exciting that no matter which way you choose, you no longer have the Chuntney bringing you down and taking the joy even out of simple things like choosing a lovely rug for your home.

How was your scan, did you look at the screen or did you feel that would make it harder? Is the baby healthy? Just thinking it would complicate things even more if there were any problems with its health....or perhaps make a decision more clear-cut? IYKWIM?

I agree with a PP, that if you were able, a weekend or even 3 days away would be good, to get away from everything in daily life, and perhaps help clear your mind and help you make a decision one way or another? If budget is tight would your parents pay for it? Just an idea...

And yes do not under-estimate the IMMENSE tiredness of the first trimester, I was nodding off in the afternoons, nodding off at 7pm at night, with all 5 of my pregnancies (I also had HG with 4 of them so was even more weak and exhausted) just rest when you can, and listen to what your body needs, the stress of the last month alone would wear you out!

And all this food talk is making me sooooo hungry! I'm off to eat something....

I wasn't suggesting you're empty or self-absorbed garlic. I was heading that way when I had DS1 though - pleasing myself all the time, DH and I had a large disposable income that allowed us a high standard of living, quite hedonistic really, but sooo much fun! I mean, we both worked in busy jobs and we were constrained by that, but otherwise we were living in a privileged bubble, which was lovely at the time, but over years and years I think might have made me a rather empty, self-absorbed sort of person. But that' isn't Lou's life, so it wouldn't be an issue for her.

I'd call our life a fairytale one. We slayed the dragon by succeeding. - This is fabulous, Lurking :)

if you were able, a weekend or even 3 days away would be good, to get away from everything in daily life, and perhaps help clear your mind - I agree, too.

Juneau, it goes back to last night's posts about 'sliding doors' and making a life with whatever's available. In summary, the events of your life don't make of you anything that wasn't already in you. You wouldn't have been empty, etc, because you're not that kind of person anyway. Iyswim (trying to condense philosophy debate into short paragraph ...)

*Blushing furiously (yes, for real) at the fact Garlicnuts thinks I made a great statement, one of my MN heroines...

Mum must have raised me right!!!

There is only one thing I would like to say: and that is, would you love your baby absolutely for who he or she is? Will you worry that narcissism is inherited? (it really isn't, it's about parenting and family environment).

If you have a boy, and he looks exactly like Chunt, spitting image, would that upset you? Would you find yourself despising him?

The unconscious projection that is done to children is something nobody talks about, and yet those of us who had awful parents - well, that is where our main wound comes from. The sins of the fathers are visited on the children. We are punished because we remind them of someone.

It is the great taboo, but when we make it conscious we can recognise our irrational feelings and put them aside. I have seen many children being 'got at', and their parents don't even know they are doing it.

Have you had the scan today? How did it go?