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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Gone with the condiments

999 replies

LouP19 · 30/08/2012 21:12

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!! Grin

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!! Confused

OP posts:
tara0202 · 03/09/2012 19:55

MMM, the pasta and salmon dishes sound nice. I shall try them for tea tomorrow. I've made veggie lasagne for tea tonight.

Lagartijadoesthecrazyshake · 03/09/2012 20:26

AAARGH! Stop talking about food, you bastards..I'm doing the 5:2 diet and it's my fast day.

mistlethrush · 03/09/2012 20:29

Courgettes and tofu for me tonight...

BabylonPI · 03/09/2012 20:51

It was good old pasta and pesto for us tonight! I like to keep it simple sometimes Wink

Datingagain · 03/09/2012 20:53

Hey Lou,

I haven't posted before, but have been following your story from the start. It resonated a lot (minus the actual chutney), but until now I felt I didn't have anything useful to add - other than I think you are doing amazingly, but lots of other people were saying that too Smile
But then I saw that you were asking for advice from single mums, so thought I should contribute.

I was in a very similar situation to you three and a half years ago. My ex DP walked away when I was 6 weeks pregnant (I was 33 at the time) and we had been together for years - though not actually TTC - that was a surprise.

Anyway, I had to decide what to do re the pregnancy, and I so, so feel for you - it was the most horrendous month I have ever had in my life. Similar to you, I knew that I was not THAT young, so this may have been my only chance, but also, like you, I really didn't want to bring a child into the world on my own, which would also have meant staying in contact with the arsehole who had dumped me when pregnant (as well as his revolting family - who I never heard from throughout)

I should also say, that things were slightly different for me, in that ex DP and I had had a very lovely first month of me being pregnant together - i.e. him buying me pregnancy books, thinking about names etc. So I had had some time to "enjoy" it before he walked out, which I know has been very different for you.

Anyway, I ended up walking into (and out of) an abortion clinic (yes, a proper abortion clinic) 17 times over the course of three weeks - each time with an appointment to go ahead with a termination. It was absolutely horrific - and my blood still runs cold when I think of that time. Not, I hasten to add, because I am anti-abortion at all - but just because of the appalling conflicting opinions I personally, was going through at the time.

My head was saying that an abortion was absolutely the right thing to do - wipe the slate clean, get the arsehole completely out of my life, meet someone new with no baggage etc, but my heart (and this was just me - I don't mean you'll feel the same) was saying no, no, no. And having spoken to other people since, I think that had a lot to do with the month or so that I had known that I was pregnant and that things had been good between ex DP and I - so I had been excited about the pregnancy.

I remember just wishing and wishing that someone could tell me what the right thing to do was - that I could be shown the future of the two different paths my life would have taken, and that I could have then made a rational decision based on that. I had loads of counselling, spoke to numerous strangers online, made list after list of pros and cons of both scenario - but those lists always ended up reasonably evenly matched. Very different pros and cons on both sides admittedly - but still lots of both. And I guess that's the honest truth. Whatever you decide, will be the right decision for you. Easy to say, but actually, I've realised, it's true.

Say you go ahead and have the baby, it will be fine. It absolutely WON'T be the future you imagined for yourself, but you are bright and resourceful and (sound) lovely, you have a great support network around you - and you will make it work. It will be tough re contact with The Chunt, but if you do want this, you will manage. And at some point in the future you will breathe a sigh of relief that you made the decision you made - and that you have a DS / DD.

But if you don't, you will hopefully meet someone else and at some point in the future, have a family with him, and then at some point you will breathe a sigh of relief that you made the decision you made - and that you never have to have anything to do with the Chunt ever again.

For me, the decision was made for me. I couldn't, just couldn't go ahead with the termination - and after all the failed appointments (mostly me running out of the clinic in tears), the kind psychologist at the clinic pointed out that maybe my heart / body / someone was trying to tell me something - and that I should maybe listen. I think they were a bit pissed off with me to be honest too. I don't blame them. I felt - and still feel - a bit cowardly about it to be honest though - I was incapable of actually "doing something" to stop my pregnancy, and hey presto, because of my inaction, 7 months later, I ended up with a baby.

Needless to say, my DS (now 3) is fabulous and I wouldn't change him for the world. For me, that (non) decision was the right one. But then, who's to say that if I had made a different decision, that I wouldn't be sitting here now (or in some glam bar, rather than on my sofa!) with a fab DH thinking "Oh I'm so glad I made that decision back in 2009".

You can't predict the future, you can only go with what you think is right - for you - at the time. Someone up-thread mentioned imagining the least worst scenario of two bad scenarios - I think that's useful.

As for the good / bad bits of being a single Mum. Yes, it's hard. I am very lucky that I have an amazing Mum and Dad and friends nearby who help me out a lot (emotionally as well as practically). Money can be tight. The responsibility is frightening at times. Sundays are hard, seeing "picture perfect" nuclear families together in the park (although you know they're probably not). Dealing with ex DP and his crap family is hard - but I am grateful they want to be involved in DSs life at all, so I bite my tongue, a lot.

But then there are great bits too. DS and I are very, very close, a special little two-person team, which feels great and I wouldn't change that for the world. I hear married friends bickering about different parenting methods, having to "look after him more than the kids" and essentially having all the same concerns I have - just different. Also, as others have pointed out, you really can't ever guarantee NOT becoming a single Mum at some point anyway - judging by the number of idiot men around on this board anyway!

In short, it's not the fairytale I'd wished for when I was 8 years old. But then, what is - and whose life really does turn out like that?! I am super lucky compared to many - and right now, I genuinely wouldn't change a thing. Someone wise said to me, that it's not the hand of cards you're dealt, it's how you play them that makes the difference. Whatever you decide will be right for you.

On that bombshell, I am SO sorry for the length of this bloody post - I really hope it doesn't offend / make things difficult for you, I just wanted to help. I know you have heaps of support, but if you did want to talk to someone who's been there, PM me. Good luck and look after yourself X

LouP19 · 03/09/2012 21:07

Evening all, thanks dating for sharing your story, I appreciate it.

Also thanks sweet for the recipes - they look simple, 'right up my street'! And you didn't mention they had cheese triangles in them!! Will definitely give them a go this week. Smile

Mulled things over a bit this evening, wrote a few lists. Then watched Barefoot Contessa on the Food Network - god knows why, she was hosting a greek buffet in her garden. Bit of escapism I guess, all I could think about was the food she was cooking and for some reason also buying some pretty coloured fairy lights for the living room too. Confused

For all my thinking, I also need time when my brain just shuts off I guess. And I have been SO tired today, feel almost like I've got the flu (but know I haven't).

Hope you're all ok anyway. Smile

OP posts:
LouP19 · 03/09/2012 21:12

But I will have to buy some Worcester sauce, because the bastard took that of course,.......

For my birthday I'm tempted to make a joke gift list (a bit like a wedding list) of all the store household items my husband took. Teaspoons, cooking oils, all condiments, pasta bowls, certain DVD box sets, all basic tools (hammer, nails, screw drivers, saw, spanners) etc etc.

OP posts:
MavisGrind · 03/09/2012 21:17

Evening Lou, hope you're ok. Some great experiences being shared here - my life as a single parent is great and looking back it's (sadly, really) a lot better than my married life. It still makes me sad that me dcs don't have the 'nuclear family' set up but as I have an ok-ish relationship with my x we do try and give them as much stability as possible in the circumstances.

There is a lot to be said for not having the everday niggles you get when living with someone (no matter how wonderful they may or not be!) and although shouldering the responsibility can be hard, I also feel that I have a particuarly close relationship with my dcs because of what we've been through.

Anyhoo, just my thoughts. - Oh, and another advantage - you want fairy lights in the lounge? Then there is absolutely nothing stopping you! Take care. x

mistlethrush · 03/09/2012 21:21

Lou - I own all the power tools (and indeed, most of the tools) in this household... and I won't let DH use them because it would end in disaster!

I think getting all the things that are missing would be a really good idea - because then you won't be noticing the holes and it keep on reminding you (not that I think that will result in you forgetting, but the lack of little niggles might help)

You've possibly not thought of your pregnancy and how it might be affecting you physically at this stage - I did feel really tired in the first trimester - more tired than at any other time (until ds was born) - so don't think that this is unusual and give yourself a bit of time off etc.

Portofino · 03/09/2012 21:21

Tis normal to be totally exhausted in the first trimester. I barely made the end of Eastenders from about weeks 6 - 12.

LouP19 · 03/09/2012 21:24

Mavis, I did think that (re: fairy lights!).

My Mum has also bought me a new rug for the living room. It's badly needed, and a few weeks ago I spent ages trawling round the shops, selected a couple and asked my husband if he'd look at them. He came, very reluctantly of course, and then proceeded to say he hated them both, especially the one I really liked.

So that's the one my Mum ordered for me,......

OP posts:
Beckamaw · 03/09/2012 21:25

Lovely warming post from Datingagain

Lou, I would also like to confirm that there are lots of gorgeous single Dads out there who have divorced Lady-Chunts.

My lovely bloke couldn't be bothered with childless women after dating one who was a self-centred cow. She didn't understand his devotion to his children, expecting him to cancel contact time to be with her!

I never expected to have children with two different men, but life threw me some lemons. I wish you could taste this scrummy lemonade I have made!!
Smile

Lagartijadoesthecrazyshake · 03/09/2012 21:25

I honestly wanted to lie down and DIE with tiredness until about week 12 both times. (Complicated with HG, but was knackered before it kicked in even, was exhausted before I knew I was pg)

Beckamaw · 03/09/2012 21:27

Lou, will you pop your birthday list on here?
If you PM me your address I will gladly send you some condiments. And a new poem! Grin

IvanaNap · 03/09/2012 21:29

dating what a heartfelt post. So glad things worked out for you :)

mistlethrush · 03/09/2012 21:31

Teaspoons and chutney and worcestershire sauce,
ketchup and box sets of nice films of course,
Cuddly floor rugs which chutner said 'mings'
these are just some of Lou's birthday list things.....

Poogles · 03/09/2012 21:33

Perhaps the likes of John Lewis & Debenhams are missing a trick only doing wedding lists...! Perhaps a MNetter can set up an online split list business!

LouP19 · 03/09/2012 21:37

Brilliant mistle Grin

Re: the rug, he wouldn't let me buy one without him seeing it first. And then of course he hated the ones I liked. Just another example of how controlling and impossible he became in the latter few weeks.

I'll have to get working on that list,...... Someone at work suggested it as a joke, but it's actually quite a good idea!

OP posts:
Jux · 03/09/2012 22:08

I can't believe he took the pasta bowls Shock and [aghast]. Stringing up's too good for him! There are no depths he will not plumb.

Sleep well Lou.

garlicnuts · 03/09/2012 22:09

This is making me think about the other side of the coin. There are more women with children than without, even outside of a parenting site (!) so you hear less about life sans kids. I can only speak for one, particularly messed-up woman, but here goes anyway. My daughter, if she had 'stuck' and been well, would be 22 now. She'd have been to university I think. Any daughter of mine would either be travelling or working after uni, so maybe she'd be sharing a London flat with one of her same-age cousins.

Whatever, I'd still be on my own now. Not here - my life path would have been different, and I might still be in London [sob] - but alone anyway.

Things I did because she wasn't born: Most significantly, travelled many interesting parts of the world, writing books about them. This was a dream of mine - not an ambition; it was in the realms of fantasy. When that part of my life, the expected part, ended I found an unexpected outburst of potentials. I accepted them. Also significantly, I took action against poverty and against violence to street children. I focused on girls, since mainstream charities ignored them, and contacted local initiatives to see how I could help. I raised large funds for them, raised awareness and enjoyed every moment of it. I shagged a continent, that was fun too.

I learned things "people like me" don't learn. All kinds of things, from dances through exotic cuisine to international economics. I added two more languages to my skillset. I had two freelance careers - plus the fundraising - both going brilliantly, introducing me to more lovely people and more opportunities. I did so much! I never saw myself as a go-getting dynamo, who'd still have the time and inclination to dine or dance all night at 40, but I was that woman. I didn't set out to be that way; it just happened because I was enjoying life and was free to invest myself in everything I did.

I would still have met a second twunt, if not the same one, because my head was not straight. Being a mother would have taught me different things but, tbh, it would have left me less independent and less feminist than I was - the alternative Twunt 2 would probably have been even worse [shudder] It is awful to think I'd have inflicted on my child a reflection of my parents' relationship ... but I probably would have done. Afterwards, I wouldn't have benefited from such great, extensive therapy because most of mine was private and, although I'm sure I'd have made a good career, I simply wouldn't have had the same opportunities. The 'other Garlic', with a 22yo DD, would be writing to you now but with, I think, less worldly experience and less insight.

I complain a lot about my life now. It's not what I planned, not what I want, but it's not so bad. I view it as a healing passage. I would have developed the illness anyway - now I've traced it back, it was a long time coming - and that would have put a strain on 'other Garlic's DD, poor kid. I would still be quietly healing (and frustrated) and I'd still be proud - of different things, though. I can honestly say I have made a measurable difference to the lives of hundreds of young women, not just one.

So that's one woman's unplanned trajectory through a life less ordinary Wink ... So far, that is! I have three childfree women friends (well, only one's a good friend, but ykwim) and can safely say that each of them is content. Each has shone in her own way, and will shine some more. I believe we are all more self-aware than average: we've all done therapy, and this degree of introspection is a selfishness rarely available to mothers. Ah, the selfishness! I haven't mentioned that yet, have I? It's rather nice to be the centre of one's own life Grin

garlicnuts · 03/09/2012 22:09

FUCK ME, that was long!!!

Sorry.

Datingagain · 03/09/2012 22:16

Not as long as mine garlic Wink. What a great post though - it's spot on.

garlicnuts · 03/09/2012 22:19

Definitely go for the list :) And have a GOOD party!

mistlethrush · 03/09/2012 22:27

Great insights from Dating and Garlic! Both sides of the story. It goes to show that life is what you make it, whatever you're dealt, and whichever path you take.

MushroomSoup · 03/09/2012 22:47

Just cooked a fab tea from a recipe a friend showed me:

Put pasta on. While its cooking melt a tub of mascarpone, add a HUGE pile of spinach and chuck in a handful of smoked salmon bits. Let it 'sweat' over a low heat and stir the cooked pasta in. Parmasan cheese on top. Bloody gorgeous!