Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

Morning Lou- hope all goes well at the counsellors today x

Stuntgirl that was more coherant than I usually am WITHOUT drugs!

great post stuntgirl

lucky you to have your counsellor to go to today Lou. ah, everything seems to be in place at just the right time

Hi, Lou!

Dolly made some great points in her post today, including this one: it is a case of being ruthlessly honest with yourself, irrespective of what other people would do.

Lots of people have told you about their single parenting experiences and, of course, you will love a child you have. You can also choose not to have a child just now, or not at all. They are all valid decisions. Each has its own pros and cons, both practically and emotionally. Being a sensible grown-up, you'll focus on the positive outcomes of whatever you choose; each has its sadnesses as well. All you can do for now is balance the restrictions & benefits of each for the near future, as you personally see it.

Not much help, I know ! As somebody said last night, there's a chance you could hedge your bets by having some eggs frozen. I considered this, too. I don't know the ins and outs of it these days but, if you want to know more, ask the hospital!

Wishing you all the best - actually, I hope you'll find out you'd already made your decision without realising it! x

Morning Lovely Lou, I haven`t posted for you very much recently, nor will I - and sadly I think possibly others - for as long as your wishes are being ignored. Ignored by people constantly airing and repeating ad nauseum, their own opinions, determined that only they are right, and arrogant in their determination to be heard.

You have excellent professional support to help you deal with all that needs to be dealt, in each area. I have found it very interesting to pick up on the positive way you react to this thread, when people respond in the way you ask them to. In other words, when YOUR needs are being met. That is how the people here can be of the greatest help to you, taking their lead from you, and supporting you in whichever way you ask.

I am confident that you will use your counselling session today, as wisely as ever. As a Counsellor of many years standing, I am hugely impressed - and have told you so many times - by your self- awareness, and have every confidence in your ability to work through the process to reach the right decision. Thinking of you My Little Weeble.

Morning all, thank you for your comments. Just been reading a few of those threads about the 'script'. God, it all rings so true. In the last few weeks I got endless criticisms. I was always spilling tea on my dressing gown in the mornings!! FFS! And my nostrils were big. Yes, I got this about 3 weeks before he left. My nostrils AREN'T big, but what the fuck?!!!!! Assume OW was always wearing fancy/sexy dressing gowns and her nostrils were positively doll-esque.

It is SO pathetic and transparent now, but unfortunately at that particular time I was baffled and very hurt by it. And I just kept trying to please him. A few days before he left I cleaned the kitchen and he came up behind me, got some bleach and poured in down the plug hole, and said the sink still smelled and I needed to pay more attention. I just burst into tears and the biggest irony is HE said 'everything I do (i.e. him) is wrong'.

At least it all makes sense now, and I have stopped dancing to his tune.

Seeing counsellor today and Friday. At the hospital tomorrow for another scan and to discuss options again. I will have to book a 'provisional' termination for late next week. I had a dream last night that they scanned me and I was about to miscarry, and I was devastated,......

Yes, weighing up lots of options. I am not factoring him into any decision I make, although I know there is always a possibility he might want access somewhere down the line. But this decision is about ME, and what I want primarily.

I turn 36 next month. It has taken me 3 years to conceive and to get this far. If I terminate I feel it would be wiping my 'slate clean' in the hope of meeting someone else within the next 2 yeasr who may also want to settle down and have children. But I realise the chances of this happening may be small,..... I have several friends my age who I think are fantastic and deserve to be happily married or with someone, but there seems to be a shortage of decent single men out there our age who want something similar. If I have the baby then that's the package I am - me and the baby. And if someone comes along then great, but ultimately there is no pressure on any new relationship to have a child.

Decisions, decisions. This is the biggest one I'll ever make,.....

Sweet, you mentioned a recipe with smoked salmon and courgettes in a cheese sauce? Yes please!!

Thinking of you Lou. Just follow your heart. Your posts are starting to sound clearer in your thinking regarding the baby. Take that dream as a sign of your true feelings possibly? Your subconscious state if mind can be very revealing......

Oh, and i had the same with my ex. If I asked him to do something or mentioned that something was wrong, be would say he couldn't do anything right...

Men aye?!!

Hope the counselling goes well today Lou, and helps you sort things out.

We're out today, but will be thinking of you.

But seriously, Xmas cakes now? I haven't even got alcohol to soak fruit atm! Last year, I didn't make the cake until December. I did a 'twice baked cake' as I used meringue instead of icing. It was pretty yummy despite the late start. If I get brandy now, dh will just drink it!

I had a dream last night that they scanned me and I was about to miscarry, and I was devastated,...... I think your sub concious is trying to tell you something.

Mind you I am sure you and everyone else already knows you will be gutted to get rid of a much wanted and tried for baby.

It is just the single parent, head and connections to ex H that is the problem

We will all still be here for you whatever you decide.

I don't want to sway your judgement at all Lou but I am a great believer in dreams being a good indication of true feelings about tricky topics. I can tell you that a friend of mine (with young son) has recently been 'snapped up' after a few years of single parenthood; so the real men out there are not concerned with what 'was', only with 'what is', and the worth of the woman they wish to be with.

Wishing you every success with your appointments this week, whatever you decide to do, I hope you find it easier to make the decisions.

As for big nostrils - "all the better to snort with derision at your self-delusion, dear"

I made my Christmas Cake in April....and have been steadily feeding it every few weeks. No marzipan or icing yet, will do that a week or two before Christmas.

Lou:

I've lurked on your previous threads, but don't think that I've commented so far..... But I will now :)

I had my first child at 34. Unfortunately, I was with a man who bore a very strong resemblance to Chutney. I couldn't live with him any longer, so DS and I left. DS had a fairly good relationship with his Dad until his Dad died when DS was 7.

Fast forward 9 years and I'd met the most wonderful man who was happy to take on DS. A year later, my lovely man was dead and I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter. From that time onwards, I have had to do everything for my children and I by myself. The birth, home, keeping us all together physically and emotionally has been hard work.

I never thought that I'd ever get a second chance at motherhood, much less for it to have turned out the way it did. It was a chance that came my way and I took it gladly......

My son and daughter are the most precious people to me. I love them with all my heart and the hard work, being alone, not having a whirling social life and all so worth it.

There's a saying about life that goes something like: Don't regret the things you do, but regret the things that you don't do.

This isn't a post intended to apply pressure to you to make your mind up one way or the other - my intention was to show that you can do it if your determination leans that way.

I hope I haven't offended anyone by this post, if I have, I apologise and will get it removed.

Lemonylemon, what a sad story :(. But very inspirational. Xx

He said you needed to pay more attention? What an absolute, class one prawn.

House rule for the future, for anyone niggled at by their family: tell them, if you do not like how I do it, you can do it.

The way you say he treated you Lou is part of the well known and well worn script. And also his recent texts are part of it too: a poster upthread said that he doesn't see the enormity of what he's done; well of course he does, he just has that buried deep inside, because to face it all would be to face reality, and that is just too shitty to contemplate. Reality may or may not hit sometime in the future, but right now he's running true to form. He's justified his appalling behaviour by blaming you and thereby giving himself permission to leave. They all do this. Now he's trying to minimise the pain he's caused by not facing reality.

No one can tell you what to do about the baby. But when you've reached your decision, you will be fine, as long as you accept it, and move on. None of us know whether we do the right thing or not when we do it, we just have to decide what is the best option to live with. In other words - you know yourself and your support network, you know what your strengths and weaknesses are. You've shown remarkable strength so far, so trust your instincts and don't beat yourself up about your decision, either way. We all have regrets, and hindsight is a wonderful thing, so don't be too hard on yourself.

BTW - I was Saffysmum on here up until returning from my holiday, when I couldn't log in, so had to rejoin. Couldn't rejoin as Saffysmum, because the name had been used (yes, I know,' tis mine!) so had to change names.

I soak fruit now, in a bottle of brandy, a tblesp brown sugar and cinnamon/nutmeg/ginger. My niece and nephew come round in nov and we all bake the cake (family tradition, we used to go to my nans when I was a little girl) but sil sits and eats the (by then) very boozy, very spicy fruit.

Oh lovely lovely lou

I wish you so much strength this week with the decision you need to make.

I know that you'll make the right decision for you and we'll all be here to support you with whatever that decision may be

So SFC if I soak the fruit now, do I just leave it to soak until November and then bake it, or leave it to soak fir a couple of days, bake it then feed it or what?? Which is best???

Babylon, a friend of mine has a jar of fruit that she starts feeding early in the year, and then turns into cake/pudding in around November. So, I think you could start it off now, and then 'cake-ify' it later.
I know she uses Brandy, and a variety of spices, but the recipe she uses is a family secret, so no idea what else.
My grandmother used to use a half-pint of stout in the christmas pudding, if that's any help.

This Christmas cake recipe seems to be one of the best, I'm sure you can substitute the whiskey for brandy. humour.200ok.com.au/xmas_cake.html

I leave the fruit soaking til nov (topping up the brandy as you go) then bake it. Once its baked you only feed it a couple of times until christmas. Baking burns off the alcohol, leving the taste. This makes it more child-friendly.

I'm going to try a seperate bowl of fruit with cherry brandy, just as an experiment.

Right I'm gonna give it a go!!!

I used to have a fruit jar which sat there all year - literally - and got topped up with spirits throughout the year, but then it got used for snap dragons one boozy night, the jar itself got broken ane we never have dregs as dh drinks them!

I haven't replaced the jar, but am strongly tempted to start it again now.

Morning Lou; just wanted to share a couple of thoughts with you - there is a good section on MN: Antenatal tests/choices where there are some threads started by ladies who are considering a termination for a variety of reasons; you may (or not) wish to have a look there or start a thread to discuss your pregnancy there.

I also wanted to say that I have had 2 ERCP's (for m/c) so if you would like to ask about the procedure itself, please do. You're welcome to PM me rather than post publicly, if you'd prefer.

I really wish you well in your decision-making & hope you can find relative piece of mind, no matter what you decide. I hope your counselling today is helpful in moving forward with a decision

"I turn 36 next month. It has taken me 3 years to conceive and to get this far. If I terminate I feel it would be wiping my 'slate clean' in the hope of meeting someone else within the next 2 years who may also want to settle down and have children. But I realise the chances of this happening may be small,..... I have several friends my age who I think are fantastic and deserve to be happily married or with someone, but there seems to be a shortage of decent single men out there our age who want something similar. If I have the baby then that's the package I am - me and the baby. And if someone comes along then great, but ultimately there is no pressure on any new relationship to have a child."

Lou, IIRC you said in an earlier thread that you were not necessarily dead set on the idea of motherhood, more the idea of creating your own family unit (no doubt inspied by what was clearly a lovely childhood with your fab parents) with Chutney. I can entirely see where that is coming from as I feel much the same myself, and that is why I never thought about going it alone as I edged into my late 30s and found myself still single. So, your ideal would presumably still be to create a family unit with a man who knocks the socks off Chutney? You then need to think about whether that ideal of the "family unit" would still work if the child was a step child and not the biological child of the Future Fabuous Mr Lou. I suppose that any FFML who had taken the decision to become your partner would by definition be delighted to be a Dad to your child. But if FFML actually wants a biological child of his own (and many many men really do), then you having your ex's child will be a nice start to the family unit you want, but it's not going to take the pressure off at all, is it? And would you be content with family unit of Chutney's child and stepdad, or might you actually want to have the biological child of FFML? I know that this all depends FAR too much on the attitude of totally theoretical FFML, but just trying to think of it in the context of your original comment about having a family not a baby.