Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

Mind you, if AF was on here, her work would be done. All the things she usually advises, you've been doing.

Thanks for that link garlic, have saved that version of the 'script', very useful!

Well in my view he doesn't want solicitors involved because it takes a bit of control away - plus it costs money.

Lou, you really have carefully not just about whether you want this baby, but whether you want this awful man in your life a moment longer than necessary. Like it or not, he'll be the dad and when your child is older you'll have to put up with weekend contact away with dad, the OW and the sibling/s playing happy families while you're possibly left on your own. You'll have all the hard work of being a working single parent trying to find a life for yourself while he has his family and home and a partner/wife.

Do you think you can put up with that?

Frankly it's the future that should concern you more than what's happening now. The texts you're now getting are deceitful and wholly unrealistic and really you need to concentrate on what you want from your life in years to come.

Even if he was prepared to dump this OW (who probably has no knowledge of the reality of his situation) and come back to you (which I doubt) he will have a child with this OW who will be part of his life and you would have to share your life with her or him too.

Is that what you want?

I think he is trying to guarantee he doesn't end up alone.

Yes, I agree. You've always been his back-up plan and with your pregnancy advancing and you doing nothing to terminate it, he finds himself needing to put his back-up plan in place for when he has to tell OW that you're pregnant.

I'm guessing that his script will go something like this: that despite you and he being 'separated' you seduced him one night, obviously the one night you knew you were ovulating, with the deliberate aim of getting pregnant and trapping him. All, of course, in the desperate hope that you could hold onto him, because you just can't live without him.

We could spend a lot of time analysing Chutney's motivations, state if mind etc. But it's all just a headfuck.

And it just distracts Lou from concentrating on the huge decision she must make this week.

Lou I really feel for you having to decide about whether to continue with the pregnancy. I cannot imagine how wrenching this is for you, and I wish I had some wise words for you.

Maybe the fact that you have not booked in for a termination yet is the answer?

If that last statement upset you or is inappropriate, please accept my sincere apologies.

Yep- we need AF here. Garlic - that is similar, but not quite the summary I was thinking of. Will find.

I can't believe he's texting again Lou

How much must he be messing with your head? As ever, support here if you need it xx

*We could spend a lot of time analysing Chutney's motivations, state if mind etc. But it's all just a headfuck.

And it just distracts Lou from concentrating on the huge decision she must make this week.*

Indeed.

sorry, I have nothing to add on scripts etc. i have been very lucky, so far, in that dh is lovely. but, I am glad that SIL is around and on your side. I cant imagine how you are feeling.

I have been v ill today with my joints, however, tomorrow I will post a shitload of recipes. stuffed squash, tomato and courgette bake (ridiculously easy) morrocan veg, baked mediterranean fish, a fish pie (that I use smoked salmon trimmings for - 97p from asda) and a lush smoked salmon and courgette pasta with a cheesy sauce.

any requests for cake recipes? I have a great mississippi mud pie one, and a slow energy release cereal bar.

I am rubbish at lots of things, but I am a great cook. and my recipes are v good

I have to say though, I agree with a lot that crazyshake says.

Porto, I absolutely agree with your post of 20:45. Of course it's my made up interpretation, as I have never met the guy and have no idea what he's thinking. I think Lou knows that too. I also think it's fairly unnecessary to point it out, (but that's just my opinion, and clearly not yours). It's actually a bit bleedin' obvious, to be frank.

Stuffed squash sounds good SFC

I spent ages today finding my favourites. Most are scribbled on postits in the kitchen. I am a good cook, but v disorganised.

I also have a xmas cake recipe. I am starting this week.

Xmas cake? Now? How full of booze is it when you get to eat it?

I thought puddings were started around Easter, but cake only a month or so before Xmas? (Frantically starts digging out Delia's Xmas)

Hi Lou. Ive been out all day (been on a date, went ok, but proved Im not ready yet.....). anyway.....

I think Ive said this before, you need to make a decision on the baby, based on the assumption that you will be a single parent. I think you should talk to him at some point. If you think you need to do that to help you with your decision, then do so, but make sure that you are comfortable with the time and place. Was it your twunt who presented you with a list in a pub? (like mine gave me a 2 page letter) detailing all your faults??.....

I know that you are sensible and will make the right decision for yourself. You need to decide what is right for you. If you want to talk to him then talk to him, if you dont then dont. His texts are very self pitying. I had the same from my twunt after walking out on me. He said it was over, he didnt love me any more. I said I would never trust him again anyway because of the texting. When I was about to file for divorce, I asked him if he was absolutely certain and he replied " Well you said it would never work because you dont trust me any more". So all of a sudden it was my fault it was over, lol.

You are getting a huge range of advice on here and cannot possibly follow all of it. You can only do what is right for you and your life.

I am now bringing up 4yo DD on my own and she does see her dad once a week, but the rest of the time me and her rub along ok. We are much closer than ever before. When she was a baby, I did all the night feeds as STBXH was a driver and I didnt want him falling asleep at the wheel. I was knackered but it doesnt last very long.

oh and I totally love fishfinger sandwiches with tomato sauce . a favourite comfort food of mine :)

Another couple of Script threads for you

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1485686-the-hes-having-an-affair-script

MrsGorgeous said this on her thread

There ought to be something built into cheating partners so that they turn green or something and they can't carry on their deception in secret .....you know like they use in cash boxes to expose thieves when they open the box then they get covered in a stain ha ha

this was my reply

by the way, love your idea about the bank box ink for men. It should be built into their underpants and linked to a chip to their wife. If they drop their pants for anybody else their pants explode and they turn green

there would be an awful lot of green men around....

Lou

I posted very early on in the thread (single parent stuck in Australia after exH left for OW) and dropping back in to talk a little about being a single parent and the decision that you have to make.

I will tell you my experience on being a single parent but I?d like to caveat it with the fact that I would imagine pretty anyone with ?existing? children are unlikely to say ?I wish I never had them? as there is a very very big difference between the necessity (and joy) of coping with an actual baby or child rather than the possibility of one IYSWIM. Hence, whilst all experiences I am sure are interesting and possibly helpful to you, they are of course subjective.

When I was first ?made? a single parent when my DS was 2.5 I thought it was a tragedy for both him and me. I had assumed both prior to and when I got married that I would have 2 children, a noisy messy happy household and a lasting marriage with relatives streaming in and out and that I would be a SAHM whilst the children were younger ? in part as I did not become a parent until I was 37 so had had a successful career and contributed quite a lot to the family finances in order to fund this.

For me ? unlike you and you situation if you were to go ahead with the pregnancy ? all of my friends and family were the other side of the world and it seemed like a very lonely hard slog ahead. To some extent, this has been and sometimes is the case. I would be lying if I didn?t have moments that I would characterise as ?pressing my nose up against the window? of other peoples big noisy families that I see out and about and I do regret that that choice was taken away from me ? at least for now.

But the flip-side of all that is the freedom that my DS (now 4) and I have. He does see his father every other weekend ? and whilst we do not have a good relationship, we hide it from our DS who does have a good relationship with him ? not what I imagined it would be but my DS has never known anything different ? but by and large it is just us and we can choose what and where we go, we are a fairly portable package being just the two of us in terms of travel and cafes etc and it is actually pretty nice being able to be in charge of pretty much all decisions that we make and being able to act on whim without planning or discussion. I have begun to embrace it and can see the advantages of it - however unwanted at first. I love it personally.

It is tiring and sometimes lonely and relentless and I do worry about the financial side of things and our future security but whilst this is exacerbated by being in a single parent I know that other 2 parent families also worry about the same things. From a child?s perspective, I think it is also an advantage if they have never known anything different as they avoid the sense of ?loss? that may come if parents part a little further down the tracks.

But as others have said, other people?s experiences are a large part irrelevant. You have to decide what is the best option for you. I find a good way of making decisions is to look at both extremes and see which is the ?least worst?. In this instance, for example, a. Having the baby, finding first year or so on own hard, probably (but not necessarily - my friend met her now H when she was pregnant with twins conceived 'alone' due to her age and not wanting to wait around for Mr Right!) delaying meeting the next Mr Lou, difficult comms with ex vs b. not having baby and then not meeting the right person/struggling to conceive/not having a baby and see which might be the easiest to live with.

I know this sounds a lot easier than the reality as you have to make one of the most important decisions of your life at a time when you are still in shock and in a very stressful situation. I wish you good luck with your decision. I should also say that ? although very different circumstances ? I ?chose? to end a pregnancy at 15 weeks due to chromosome abnormalities and additional health issues so I do know a little of the enormity of the decision you have to make and the very personal nature of it. In RL I have very good friends who would not have made the same decision but respected mine, as I would theirs. Everyone has different skills, coping mechanisms and outlooks and it is a case of being ruthlessly honest with yourself, irrespective of what other people would do.

Good luck my love.

SFC I always start my Xmas cake (which also doubles as my birthday cake) the week the school term starts

The fruit will be soaked for a good couple of days before the cake is baked and it will then be "fed" religiously with a variety of "christmas spirits" twice weekly, up until being iced on 22nd December, it will then rest for 3 days before having birthday candles shoved in it on Christmas day!

I like this time of year almost as much as preparing for summer

Hey Lou, how're you doing this morning?

Did you get some sleep?

I'm ashamed to admit I had too much wine last night and need someone to bring me an alka seltzer. Before I can get out of bed and have a slightly fuzzy head

Wow, his most recent texts are quite staggering. He's fishing for you to give him a chance, without offering ANYTHING in return apart from a few ever-diminishing terms of endearment. However FFWIW I'd say meet him, as you have not seen him since the lightbulb moments about your past started coming thick and fast. Not cos there's a chance you might take him back, but to help you in the decision about the baby- sit in the same room as him and picture how it would feel if it were a meeting to hand the baby to him for the weekend, to discuss school choices etc etc...could you really, honestly do it? You need to see the real him, not the cariacature built up in your mind, to decide once and for all if you want him out of your life for good. Ask him direct questions- who is the OW? Where is he living? Why the FUCK did he do it? Hopefully he'll say something that will be so pathetic your decision will be easy.

Another thing that you might want to consider- if you had not been with him, and had got to the age you are, would you have gone for donor conception? If not, then why keep the baby now, with the extra hassle of eternal ties to him?

Babylon - I'm waiting for Delia's Christmas cake box to come out. Made my first ever Christmas cake last year & it was delicious!! Box has all the dry ingredients in - perfect for -lazy- inexperienced cooks!

Hope all is well Lou!

Do you know, if any of my friends behaved the way Chutney has I'd be so ashamed of them.

If his texts are how he really feels then I'm baffled how he thinks it's enough. It's as if he doesn't see the enormity of the things he's done; the affair, the pregnant OW, moving out of the house in secret, the list, returning to the house in secret to remove more items (and picking locks to get there), his almost blase attitude towards your pregnancy- after all you went through to reach this point! He doesn't want to do this through the solicitors yet he was the first one to go and see a solicitor. He knows you're currently pregnant but has made virtually no noise on the subject except to tell you he thinks you should terminate. He still hasn't been honest about his current whereabouts or if he's currently with the OW. How are these the actions of a remorseful man? How does any if this show you that he made a terrible mistake but he just wants to try and make it right?

Only you can know what's right for you now Lou. I firmly believe that a man's opinion is just as relevant as a woman's when it comes to issues like abortion, but I also make that statement from an assumption that the man is as involved as the woman. Aside from suggesting an abortion, then saying he wanted to come to the scan (which he then didn't do) he has not involved himself in your pregnancy at all. I think the sad fact is there's a high probability that should you continue this pregnancy he will factor very little in your child's life. So perhaps it's best to make the decision without him, you've offered him several opportunities to engage with this matter and he is yet to do so. So sad.

Also quite proud that that post was reasonably coherant given I'm a bit out of it on painkillers