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Original poster

Gone with the condiments

999 replies

LouP19 · 30/08/2012 21:12

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!! Grin

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!! Confused

OP posts:
Lagartijadoesthecrazyshake · 02/09/2012 20:48

I've no idea about his motivations because I've never met him and I'm not mind reader but I certainly wouldn't agree to his suggestion of an informal divorce.

mistlethrush · 02/09/2012 20:48

Porto - don't you have the feeling that he's trying to switch the blame onto Lou - he says that she's not said anything to make him think he has a chance - but he's not exactly asked for one afaicr - is this the text (I mean, come off it, 'text'!!!!) of someone that's willing to accept that they've made a complete shambles of their marriage and is willing to accept the blame and wants to do anything in their power to get it right again?

CockyPants · 02/09/2012 20:48

Porto, I bet that he didn't actually know he'd fucked up until he received the solicitors letter. and I bet the regret is fake too.

stubbornstains · 02/09/2012 20:48

Hello Lou,

Another single mum delurking here.
Had a child with someone I wasn't in a long term relationship with- a probable narc (I have my armchair psychologist's hat firmly pulled down to the bridge of my nose-it's very cosy!). I read the account of every text from your STBX with a nasty queasy sensation- it's as if DS's father could have written them. They feel slimy somehow.

He dumped me when he found out I was pregnant, then played "come here-go away" throughout the pregnancy- persuaded me to move in with him "so he could look after me", then started giving me the silent treatment. To cut a long story short, he just disappeared on us several weeks after DS's birth, leaving us with no electricity or heating on a freezing night.

Since then he has never voluntarily seen DS, although he has occasionally been in contact to ask to see him, but when I do try to set something up goes silent again.

I genuinely consider we have both been lucky that he is not in our lives. I have never regretted having DS- we are a complete family unit. It is pretty tiring, but you have helpful and loving family near you, which would be a godsend (mine are very helpful, but live a long way away).

I think what I need to say is that the rage and distress I felt towards DS's dad have faded away- he is now a complete irrelevance to me. DS is the important person to me now.

If Chuntney wanted to have contact with his child, I think you'd have to be careful to set incredibly strong boundaries, not give him a millimetre, and stay very detached from him. In fact, given my experiences, I would not let him have any involvement in the pregnancy/birth at all, as it's a very vulnerable time, which he could take advantage of to manipulate you.

Damn, didn't want to write an essay!

mathanxiety · 02/09/2012 20:49

And with Houseofplain also..

garlicnuts · 02/09/2012 20:52

Exactly what Jux, Math and Cheese have said.

Lou, I'm so impressed by your reticence! I'd have been firing off terse replies that were meant to be pointedly sarcastic, but which he'd interpret as needy or blaming (I did; he did). Only makes things even messier.

So, basically he wants YOU to want to get back together, to pretend none of this has happened Hmm and to declare undying love for HIM. He doesn't however, want any of this enough to make an effort - or even to act like a normal, decent ex. He just wants your adoration: unconditional.

God, can you imagine erasing the most significant five weeks of your life from memory, filling the kitchen with chutneys, going back out together as a couple and never being sure he won't do it again?? Excuse my mind, it's just boggled!

Agreed; he's trying to avoid a visible divorce. Twat.

Portofino · 02/09/2012 20:54

No, the regret and wanting to have another go at it is a STANDARD part of the script for men who have affairs. It doesn't make him an evil narcissist. He probably DOES genuinely regret it. What Lou wants to do with that is another thing entirely.

Original poster
LouP19 · 02/09/2012 20:54

His texts reveal him for the snake he is. To me, anyway.

I read it as 'if you keep the child then I'll have to tell OW and there's a big possibility I'll need to come home to you. So fight for me'.

But not going to dwell on it, because whatever it means, he's only ever looking out for no.1, isn't he? If only SHE could see the texts he sends me. In a way I'm glad someone else is dealing with the furtiveness and the sneaking around,.... hiding phones and all that shit. At least that's off my plate now!

OP posts:
CockyPants · 02/09/2012 20:56

Xx Lou.

Lagartijadoesthecrazyshake · 02/09/2012 20:56

Who knows what he wants or how he feels, really? And, come on...what difference does it make? His feelings/motivations are a side issue really.

Portofino · 02/09/2012 20:58

But Lou - that text doesn't read like that to me at ALL.

Xales · 02/09/2012 20:58

I need to know whether everything is over or do you still love me and think that we can ever be together after all this? = Oh shit OW isn't the push over I can treat like shit that you were. Pity me... Lovely that he would dump OW while she is pregnant what a nice guy, how could you not take him back Hmm

I don't want to do this thru solicitors either. = Because now you are pregnant I am screwed on a straight 50/50 split which I told OW about unless I con you into thinking I still care...

No matter what you might think I still care very deeply for you and am truly sorry for hurting you. I have said this many times but I don't hear anything from you that makes me feel that I should try. There is a but in there. General rule of communication is ignore anything before the but. For example I am sorry I hit you BUT you made me angry (therefore it is your fault). That explains his complete lack of trying. It is your fault again...

You have never said that you want to be back together with me so I have to assume you hate me now.' = See you hate me, you don't want me back, despite me being an abusive wanker, cheating on you and doing sweet fuck all to make it better in the slightest. It's all your fault.

he understood that the child was important but 'your reluctance to even say anything about how you feel for me says to me that we are over. = The child may be important but look how many me, me, me's and I, I I's I can fit in. Me and I are more important than this child. Please recognise this and put me, me me first... You are forgetting your place as my doormat.

Do you think he has thought through in the slightest what happens if he comes back? Are you meant to happily wave him off every other weekend to go and stay with her see the child? Is she meant to happily let the child come to stay with you and it's younger half sibling Hmm

Or does OW and other child magically disappear and he goes back to treating you like shit?

Lagartijadoesthecrazyshake · 02/09/2012 20:59

He is a poor excuse for a man and I agree with both Porto and Lou here, that yes, this is classic crap from a cheater and that he is a snake (an insult to snakes). Don't dwell on it Lou, you are right he is deeply selfish.

Portofino · 02/09/2012 21:01

It reads to me that he asking if you are over or not or if there is any discussion to be had. Again a standard thing off the script.

DorisIsWaiting · 02/09/2012 21:01

Both texts are very much me, me, me (the second one especially.

I wonder if the fact that HE doesn't want solicitors involved is because he thinks he can rail road you into HIS way of thinking.... he's tried to manipulate you and your emotions before (ttc?) hasn't he. He MAY (yes suposition) have either not told the OW the facts (highly likely), and he MAY have had advice from the solictors he has consulted already that he didn't like.... be that cost, divison of assets (particularly with a dependant etc).

He is still trying to drive it back onto his terms, he said there would be no contact as he was 'away'. You didn't respond so he tried again...

Personally IMHO you would be MAD to try to do this without strong legal advice.

Re reading he really is a twat of the highest order- he's not going to even TRY unless you tell him all is forgiven and the fact that he puts himself above the pregnancy situation speaks volumes.

springydaffs · 02/09/2012 21:03

yes, snake. he's slithering around on his belly.

Original poster
LouP19 · 02/09/2012 21:03

Yesterday he 'loves me', today he 'cares for me'. Next thing is he'll be very 'fond' of me. Knob!

OP posts:
Poogles · 02/09/2012 21:04

Lou - I think you need to make the decision re pregnancy having carefully considered how it would be either fully in your own, back with Chunt or co-parenting with him. You will need to seriously weigh up the pros & cons. Will he want to be involved, will he be cheque only kind of Dad, will he use the baby to control you? Only you know him well enough to answer.

Regarding his texts, only you can really guess at his meaning. Are they in character for him? Are they remorseful? Are they playing games? You are best placed to guess (and it will only be a guess).

It sits uncomfortably that he hasn't mentioned your solicitors letter. Is he pretending that if he doesn't mention it, it's not real or is there an ulterior motive (playing with you?). Not sure how accurate this is, but I've read on previous threads that you need to file within 6 months of discovering adultery or you lose that right (maybe check this with your solicitor!)

CockBollocks · 02/09/2012 21:06

Good lord he is an arse!!

What he is really saying is "I cant believe you are ignoring, not engaging or chasing after me. I am going to throw my toys out the pram and blame everything on you, so there"

Arse, Arse, Arse.

bleedingheart · 02/09/2012 21:09

I think that Lou is likely to 'read' the texts most accurately and know his tone/way.
Remember that there is a history of questionable behaviour by Chwunt, the house clearance wasn't the first sign he was a wrong 'un!
Lou, I'm glad you had a good chat with your parents.

If the Ex is full of regret ...so what? It doesn't make it better and it doesn't mean he deserves to be forgiven. Actions speak louder than words. His actions since the fuller story came out include picking a lock and taking more belongings and feigning surprise that Lou wasn't bowled over by the return of her CD! Yes, he could legally access the property but if he were feeling any empathy he would have called to arrange a time, perhaps with Lou's mum if he couldn't face Lou.
In my own opinion and I won't condemn those who feel differently, the manner of his leaving and the discovery was so brutal that even if I wanted to erase the past five weeks the bitterness and mistrust would kill me.

MissFenella · 02/09/2012 21:09

I agree with cockbollocks. He doesn't know how you are and it's eating him up.

Also, Looking forward to the fish pie recipe from fanny Grin

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/09/2012 21:09

Has he actually received the solicitor's letter yet? I may have lost a week...

mathanxiety · 02/09/2012 21:13

I think he may have referred obliquely to receipt of the sol's letter when he tried to talk Lou out of doing things via solicitor. Just guessing though. I would imagine even a redirected letter would have arrived by now but the royal mail works in mysterious ways.

juneau · 02/09/2012 21:13

I don't want to do this thru solicitors either.

Ha ha! You totally put the shits up him with your solicitor's letter. Of course he doesn't want you using a solicitor - because he knows you'll get waaay more out of him that way. So he wants to be friends, play nice and screw you out of the settlement you deserve by not using solicitors. Good for you for your restrained reply which didn't answer his questions.

Portofino · 02/09/2012 21:15

Its a shame that none of the stalwarts of Relationships (like AF etc) are on this thread as someone did a cracking summary of the script these twunts follow. Chuntney seems pretty true to form.