Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

Dix points to Suffolk!

Yes, Linda Smith. Blonde hair, very funny. She died far too young of cancer.

now look here, surely I deserve some points

Linda Smith was very funny.

I had a very nice veg stew thing with red leicester.

Evening all, thank you for your comments, especially those who shared their experiences of being a single parents. I've had a text from him. Arrggghh!

'I need to know whether everything is over or do you still love me and think that we can ever be together after all this? I don't want to do this thru solicitors either. No matter what you might think I still care very deeply for you and am truly sorry for hurting you. I have said this many times but I don't hear anything from you that makes me feel that I should try. You have never said that you want to be back together with me so I have to assume you hate me now.'

I texted back, briefly, to say pregnancy and baby my first priority and that I couldn't think beyond that at this point in time. He then replied to say he understood that the child was important but 'your reluctance to even say anything about how you feel for me says to me that we are over. Am I wrong? I don't think so'.

Had a frank chat with my parents this afternoon about the pregnancy. First time I've done this, think they are worried about possibly adding pressure etc, but it was very useful. It is clear I have their support no matter what I choose.

On another, funny note, me and my Mum were talking about his parents earlier. She said 'You know what X, I always thought they were fucking chavs. Despite STBXH being very charming and articulate, I always thought his parents were a right pair of fucking chavs'. Ha ha! She didn't quite get the irony of what she was saying and how it sounded!!

Re: holiday. My Dad asked it to be transferred in my name, he did this, and now I've cancelled it. I might try and go away with my parents and their dog for a long weekend at the end of September, just to get away from it all.

Had phone call from sister in law tonight, just to say they were appalled and very sorry and that they would like to keep in touch with me. Really appreciated this gesture.

WTF? He needs to know if everything is over? WTF did he think he was doing when he did his moonlight flit? Gah!

Glad you have parental support whatever you decide.

WRT the ups and downs of doing it on your own...

I started out doing it with exH, and it was really, really, hard.
He was not cut out to be a father. Or maybe he had no idea how to be a father. Or maybe the relationship he modelled his life on was so messed up that he had no hope of ever being anything but dysfunctional as a parent. Or maybe the fact that he was bi or gay and using me as a beard interfered with being a father.

He saw himself in competition with me and he one upped my 'motherly' doings constantly. He tried to out-cook and out-clean me, told me how to change nappies, and even took it upon himself to upbraid me when DD4 was a five day old baby that I hadn't yet bought a bra for DD1 who was 11 at the time (and a complete stick, straight up and down, no hint of needing a bra) and then went out and bought her a bra.. He also very weirdly bought the DDs and DS underwear for Christmas once after we divorced. Silk long johns and camisoles for the DDs and tighty whities for DS (who is a boxer man).

As far as being a father being angry with the DCs was his thing. He demanded instant obedience from everyone. He once said (sadly after we had children, or I would never have married him let alone had the DCs) that he would prefer that his children fear him than love him, and during some completely useless counselling he admitted that he believed the children should only be happy if it was his whim or will that they should be happy he was and is a complete narcissist.

I wouldn't send any of the DCs back but if we had divorced when I only had DD1 or maybe just DD1 and DS, I think being their parent would have been much easier.

Having a partner to be your co-parent works out well for some people, but it depends so much on the people involved and some are not cut out for it. In my case I feel it was definitely not what it's cracked up to be. In fact, exH drained so much of my energy just dealing with his moods and the dirty looks he constantly threw and trying to anticipate the strops he would throw that I felt by the time DD3 came along I had practically nothing left for her.

When he left, we all felt giddy with relief. He was a very oppressive presence.

Your text in reply was heroic Lou. For its level-headed dignity, and restraint.

Once a cheater always a cheater.
I think if you take him back it wouldn't take him long to revert back to twunt mode. And welcome back to a life of misery for you....
I think he's just trying to wriggle out of a costly divorce.
He dumps you in a car park.
He steals stuff when you are out.
WTAF is he on??
Loving your mum's comment btw!!

He has told you that you hate him and that you wouldn't take him back and that he's therefore not going to try - now he's basically telling you that its your fault that he's not trying to get you back. If he was genuine in what he was saying, he would have told you where he was living, he would not be living with the OW, he would be having individual counselling for himself, and he would be coming to you on bended knee and showing you that he knows he made a terrible mistake and that it was entirely his fault. None of which he has done so far.

Please don't give in Lou. I think you are lovely and deserve the best.

Gazillion points for Springy!!

Hi Lou can't believe he's still trying to mind fuck u with texts while we assume sitting on his new nest with pregnant ow!!

As for ur mum

I'd love to know what shite spiel he is giving OW.
Lou never understood me?
Or my love of chutney?
Toast toppers my arse.

-- wow, math that must have been very hard indeed. I've heard of some unusual partners, but that one would play hell with most people's sanity.

1st text

So Lou, I know you desperately want me back, but you just want me to beg a bit harder. This is the hardest I will beg, so if this doesn't work I'll walk away knowing that it was all your fault, as you are so unreasonable.

2nd text

I don't give a shit whether you're thinking about the baby, it's nothing like as important as how you feel about MEEEE. If You're putting my needs behind your 'need' to think about a baby then I know you're not good enough for me and I'll use it to pretend that I think you don't want to be with me (but I know you only need to think I'm serious about not coming back and you'll come running so I'll leave the door open by finishing with a question....)

He is a Dick..

Obviously all is not well in OW land and he realises he has made a huge mistake. Why did he not just man up and confess instead of doing a moonlight flit
Lou you are a lovely thoughtful young lady who l would be proud to call my daughter (l may just be old enough if l had you at 13 ). Your
deserve someone your equal not some immature twat of "fucking chavs" parents (love your mum btw),

Stay strong..go back to no contact and concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy.
we are all behing you cheering you on.

He is still absolutely self centered.
He is still only able to talk about how he feels even when he sends you a text whose primary purpose (I think) is to get you to go the informal divorce route instead of the court route.

IMO he is trying to make you think he loves you deeply and is miserable in order to get you to agree to work out an arrangement to divorce without solicitors involved and to keep you feeling well disposed towards him so that you won't be inclined to argue about financial details.

The important bit is that he doesn't want to go through solicitors. But please remember that he has already consulted one.
The reason for not wanting to use solicitors and do the whole court thing I suspect is that the OW thinks he is already divorced and that he is free to be with her. He doesn't want to have to explain letters from your solicitor arriving, court dates, etc. I think you may have him over a barrel right now. If I were you I would be pressing forward and starting the bidding very high.

So... he didn't ask how you were, if you were coping? If you needed anything? Offer help? Apologise for his behavior?

It's all about him & his needs. Again

Mexican wave dedicated to Lou.
Stands up. Arms in air. Sits down.

Jux, but that is just your view, you could read it as someone who KNOWS he has fucked up big time and is full of regret. There is no need to make up stuff about his thoughts and wishes. It makes not a jot of diffference either way.

Genuinely?

I interpret it like this.

That he does not want to get solicitors involved. As it makes it all final. It also means if you go through solicitors, you'll likely get a "better deal" with everything as it has gone. He's still in guilty stage though...so promises can soon disappear.

Secondly. He's made a bit of a balls up here. So when ow finds out...she will have to eventually if you keep the child. He will be outed and probably kicked to the curb by her.

So it's a choice does he think he can stay with you, or her, has he got a back up, who would he prefer? With you knowing the full score and being the long term "home comfort". I think it's unsettled him, you aren't a back up option. That now he's realised what he's done. I wouldn't be surprised of he does want to come home.

Anything you decide is your decision alone.

I agree with the other interpretations of the text too..