Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

Lou, it's been one month - just one month since you were left in a car park, to find your own way home to a half empty house. Even less time since you discovered you were expecting.

You spent years with your H before then. It's natural that your feelings would still be confused, and that you're worried he might confuse you again. Who knows what he'll say, and what he'll actually mean.

Just to clarify, surgical abortions are necessary after 8 weeks. So I always knew I would have to have a surgical abortion. I have up to 12 1/2 weeks at my hospital, but could possibly go up to 16 weeks if I went to another hospital in the north of the County. But I really don't want to go up to that stage, at all.

Anyway, I know, it's impossible, but may be some engagement (no matter how crappy) with him might clarify a few things. Strongly suspect his text yesterday ('I am away with work') is him suggesting he's going to go quiet on me,........

My parents are fine ta. Seething of course, but ok.

Thing is Lou on his past performance regarding the truth, whatever promises he makes/ doesn't make regarding the future if you keep the baby, can you trust him to stick to it?

What I mean is would there really be any value in talking to him about it given that he'll (try to) do his "head fuck" number on you & possibly churn you up even more?

That said at least you will have an idea of his thoughts & will feel you have done him the courtesy of a discussion, not that he deserves it, but you do if you think it might help.

It makes perfect sense that you want to know whether he would be involved in the baby's life.

You are faced with a huge decision and want to have as much honest information as possible.

What is your main fear about having contact with him? What are you worried about in this respect?

Is there a way to contact him that would make you feel safe? Setting out your questions in a letter/ email? Arranging to speak to him with someone else present - maybe a level-headed friend or a counsellor?

This might be something to talk about with your own counsellor.

I imagine that the tricky thing is that whatever he says about access, what he actually goes and does over time is very hard to judge. And right now, he could potentially say whatever he thinks is most likely to get you to terminate because he's backed himself into such a corner.

Thinking about it from his perspective, he probably feels as though absolutely everything has gone wrong, and this relationship he's got with the OW is the one thing left where he can command any respect, and there's this ticking time bomb of your pregnancy waiting to blow up that little scenario too. I'd be astonished if you got any logic out of him -he has totally screwed his life up on every level.

My best guess would be that if this relationship with the other woman lasts, it is hard to see how he'd see your child much because from her perspective, your child will be a humiliating reminder of what a joke her relationship is with him. She'll want to avoid any reminder you exist. Chutney'd have to show real moral grit to have regular contact, and he's hardly shown that so far.

If the relationship with her ends, it could be completely different though. The situation would be anyone's guess.

I suppose I'm trying to say that sadly, your decision may come down to whether you want this baby whatever his involvement. It is horribly undeserved for you to face this.

I know, his ACTIONS have said more than any of his words. Far more. And none of them have been honourable, mature, reasonable, or respectful to me, my feelings, or our marriage. I keep reminding myself about this.

Everything he's done has been about protecting himself and about running away from consequences.

Re: the baby, I honestly think that doing it on own would not be that much harder than doing it with him. Because he was always the child in the relationship, demanding attention.

I would really appreciate hearing from other single Mums out there - the ups and downs of doing it on your own,......

Going to sign off for a bit, have a lovely day. x

Strongly suspect his text yesterday ('I am away with work') is him suggesting he's going to go quiet on me,........

Yes, he's going to seek some serious legal advice to counter yours. You know he's sought one solicitor's advice already, but all along he's been waiting for you to act, so now he has to respond. Quite possibly he hasn't yet chosen a solicitor. Now he needs to do so. I'm guessing he doesn't want to say anything else to you until he's done so.

P.S. You might want to post a message in Lone Parents if you want to hear from single mums.

Being an LP is tough Lou but if you have good family support (which you do) and sympathetic boss (which you also do) then it can be much better & certainly less stressy than having the man child in the picture.

However it has it's darker moments & is not easy at times. But the bonus' of the situation can never be overestimated, it is natural to focus on the negative bits but the positive bits are wonderful.

Have a restful day.

I'd be astonished if you got any logic out of him -he has totally screwed his life up on every level. Crazyhead this made me laugh. It is very true.

It's also true that what Chutney says and what Chutney does can be two very different things. You know this to your cost, sadly, Lou.

Lou you are wise to be concerned that contact with Chutney will leave you confused. But your gut instincts have proved correct time and time again.

FWIW, I have no doubt whatsoever that you will make a sound assessment of whatever Chutney says about the pregnancy and any future baby. Maybe you just need to hear it from the horse's mouth - as it were - so you can settle it in your own mind.

Lou, I have a zillion fish recipes, I shall find them out for you and post them. I make the greatest fish pie. Ever.

Me and Dh had fish finger sandwiches last night because i couldn't be bothered to cook.

Lou I am now on my second stint of single parentdom... My ex husband and I divorced when my older three children we 3, 2 and 6 months. I won't deny that at times it was hard, but one just gets on with it. Actually we had an excellent relationship throughout the children's childhood and in the end we were very good friends. He very sadly died at the pathetically young age of 48 a few months ago, our children are now 19, 18 and 16.

This time round...I have been on my own with my youngest child since she was 16 months old. She is now 3½ and honestly it is really not that bad at all. If anything it is much easier - there is just the one child, and we just bumble along. Like anything there are good days and bad days, but the good ones outnumber the bad by 100-1!

I do think, as I said a few posts back, that it would be wise to talk with him sooner rather than later. The decision about your baby ultimately is yours and yours alone, but I think you ought to know roughly where he stands - not to make your decision rather so that you can have an idea of the future with or without him in your/the baby's life.

I wouldn't hold too much on the fact that he hasn't yet responded to your solicitor's letter. I am currently going through court with my youngest's father - he can take weeks to respond to correspondence and I KNOW that he has a solicitor IYGWIM.

I wish you well Lou, I really do, but I think if you can, now is the time to address the immediate situation (your pregnancy) so that you can 'get your head around' which ever path it is going to be.

Lou, it's not a question of whether it'd be easier to bring up a child with or without him. In fact, there are plenty of single mothers who would prefer to be doing it on their own, because having to have their child's father in their lives makes it a whole lot harder.

But the child has a right to a relationship with his father, and, in this case, half sibling, and, as far as I know, if he does want to be involved in his/her life, the court will decide in his favour, because the interests of the child are paramount. So you may well find that the choice is not yours to make.

Agree with the majority Loup. What he says now may just be to serve his own interests and his actions will remain to shout whilst his words befuddle and deceive.

Like anything, lone parenting is rewarding because it is tough - my sis is a lone parent. But it is my opinion that you are well set up for it! As well as one can be anyway.

How about you write down his replies to your questions, all of them you can think of. Try and make your in your head (for the moment) based on 'his response' (in theory) to your asking him how he sees himself involved in this baby's life and wear that decision for a while.

I did that for a massive decision I had to make re: moving to be with a man I ultimately did not trust and decided against it, thank God, after trying to live the decision of being with him in his country with no friends and the same old shit...

It can help. It may help you.

Just checking in - lots of good advice here; shame about the shoutyness (if that's a word) earlier; obviously everyone here is entitled to an opinion and is able to offer advice but it is up to Lou what decisions to make, and where she feels the best place is to post her threads. Derailing by arguing amongst ourselves is not helpful or supportive. Or necessary.
I digress...

Can't offer any fish recipes as I am a proper veggie, but I do know that you can buy 'pretend fish' fingers. I didn't care for them, but then again, I never did like fish much anyway.
I might make chilli tonight though - with red wine and peanut butter. Don't have any chocolate to put in it. I used to have a jar of chocolate chilli paste, but that's long gone.

Don't really have any advice either - Lou, you know chutney best, so you are best-placed to determine whether you think he'll want input if you decide to have the baby. It could be that he will want to be involved, or possibly, not involved at the moment. Certainly his indication that he's not available for much of this month seems to suggest that he doesn't want to face up to the current situation and is therefore leaving decision-making entirely up to you. Coupled with the total lack of questions about how you are feeling/acknowledging that you are pregnant. However, Thymeout does make a very good point about courts - so that may well be something you want to consider covering both with the Sol and the counsellor.

I'm off to do some housework now but will be back later.

Re: the baby, I honestly think that doing it on own would not be that much harder than doing it with him. Because he was always the child in the relationship, demanding attention.

Not a lone parent myself, but am the DD of one so hope you don't mind me telling my Mum's tale. My 6months pg Mum was left in similarly devastating circs as yours with a not quite 3 y o (me) by a man whom we are pretty sure is a Narc (dons armchair psychologist's hat)

I'm not going to pretend that it was all sunshine and roses for Mum (Dad left in a very sudden/dramatic way and literally moved to the other end of the country for his dream job and an OW) but we (Mum, baby bro and I) have since thanked our lucky stars many times that we didn't have Dad with us day to day. In fact, Mum had/has exactly the same opinion as you about it being far harder if he'd been there every day competing for attention and bringing disharmony...

Dad did always keep in touch/visited and Mum encouraged this, though looking back it was obviously very hard for her to have to deal with him (honestly, my respect for the woman knows no bounds) Our day to day lives as children were without doubt happier and more settled due to his absence and we almost feel we've dodged a bullet by avoiding the damage his dysfunction would caused if he lived in the same household as us growing up. He's been a far better part time Dad (not to say there haven't been serious problems in our relationship with him at times now that we're adults and parents ourselves - he's a narc after all!) than he ever would have been in a hands-on, day to day situation.

So Mum would now say that what was at the time a truly devastating and traumatic experience turned out to be absolutely for the best for both her and her children. As we are now adults, Mum doesn't have to have anything to do with Dad other than at occasional family gatherings/special occasions (where she avoids him like the plague with glee)

This is obviously just one woman's experience, and every situation is different, but hope it helps in some way Lou...

You know that holiday you had booked that he stole the money for persuaded you to pay him for just before he disappeared, did you ever check to see if it had been cancelled? Might be worth getting your dad on the case if not. I wouldn't put it past twuntface to take the OW with him instead, all paid for by you.

I would say being a single parent is much easier that being with a partner that is more demanding than a newborn and throws more tantrums and silks than a toddler... Having been there and got the t-shirt. I now ignore ignore ignore.
He may not be in the best place to talk to, as you need to make an adult decision now and he's like a cornered cat... He will only see how decisions affect him and he'll do what makes him feel better now.... It may take years (if ever) before he can look at the situation clearly

Hi, I have never posted before on your threads but have lurked throughout. I just wanted to respond to your query about being a single mum. Our situations are similar, in that husband left for ow suddenly. The difference is I had a 2 year old and a 5 day old baby when he left. It was awful. Very much the way your situation is going, my husband grew to regret it, wanted to come home and the ow was out the picture very quickly. I couldn't however forget so divorced him and decided, very sadly, to go it alone. Being a single parent petrified me. I was very scared and didn't believe I could do it. It is coming up 2 years now from when he left and I can't believe how far we have all come. My 2 year old is now 4 on tues and has no memory of his dad living with us. My baby, coming up 2, has never known us together. However, and this is the point I want to stress, they have two parents who love them very much and who share the parenting. It has worked better than I could ever have imagined. I was told when my husband left that he would let them down, not to rely on him etc, however I gave him the benefit of the doubt for sake of children and it now works very well. Don't get me wrong it was hard at first, he didn't have overnight access till 8 months with youngest but now he does 2-3 nights a week. Being a single parent Is lonely and I cant say it us what I would have chosen for my life but it is intensely rewarding, my children are really happy and it is easier than u would imagine. I would say talk to your husband, give him the chance to be a gd father if that's what u decide. Just cos it may be over for the two of u it doesn't mean u can't negotiate a different relationship as parents and make it work. I never thought it possible to be in the place I now am. Do not let the thought of being alone put u off having your baby. You Wiukd not be alone. You would have your friends, your amazing parents and maybe him aswell. Focus on the pregnancy. Everything else cab wait. And know u would be a fabulous mum and are more than capable x x btw I am not meaning to push you either way. I am just saying that it has worked for me and being a single parent has many positives

Sulks not silks... Silly phone

Oh, I just had that thought too Juneu... I wonder if Chuntney is going on that holiday with the OW?

Lou, where was the holiday? I can't remember you saying. Ages ago I was going to suggest you going on it with your mum or something if it is all paid for.

FWIW, I have a friend whose partner is one of the most selfish men alive, dominating and aggressive (though not violent). He is emotionally abusive and financially abusive too. They have a child a similar age to my dd.

She constantly struggles and is worn down to a shell of her old self, as he resents any attention she gives her son when he himself is about. She is so torn. She doesn't know whether to stay downstairs helping her son with his homework, or go upstairs where her h is, to ensure he is OK and doesn't want anything (like a cup of tea). Mostly he just wants her sitting quietly in the corner observing him while he ignores her. She says it would be easier if she were a single parent as there would be no undermining of authority, decisions, no blow ups, no changing plans at the last minute without discussion, etc.

She has lived with this all her child's life.