Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

Xales spot on. Most of portos replies have been defending herself. I've been trying to offer support, but had a mini-slating too. I don't know how porto has kept her dignity

I'm 10 weeks pregnant, have to decide by next Friday. I could try to talk to him about the pregnancy, but I'm worried it's only going to hurt me more and mess around with my feelings. Many many people have told me any decision I now make has to be based on ME and what I want. I'm worried if he appears at the last minute it could totally confuse me. But I have considered asking to talk to him possibly this week. He could, of course, refuse to do this, or even worse ignore my request. I am feeling very pressured.

On another note it's a lovely day here, one of those Sundays when in better times (which was not that long ago) we would have got up and driven into the Peak District,....

I would take his text with a pinch of salt. It doesn't matter whether he thinks he means it or not.

Words are easy. He hasn't exactly faced up to what he has done in person like a man has he?

This is the same vile man that had a go at you at a farmer's market that he didn't want to carry on trying for a child with you. Left you devastated and wanted a happy day without your emotions/upset weighing him down.

Plus all the other examples you have given of his vile behaviour.

The only person who is number one or is ever going to be number one in his life is him.

Not you, not either of his children if you carry on.

Do you really want to go back to a relationship like that with a child in the mix?

Wow Porto, for all those people 'too afraid to post,' plenty have suddenly commented all in a row.

Honestly I've reported one of your posts because I feel you're just goading now and looking for a fight. Everyone who doesn't agree with you is 'pom pom waving, hysterical, too invested, it's not healthy, views Lou's life as a soap opera, etc, etc.'

I actually have agreed with a few points you've made n the past but this is a support thread. It's Lou's choice what posts she ignores and which ones she doesn't. NOT YOURS. She is an adult and clearly quite intelligent, I'm quite sure she can work out what is not great advice without you pointing it out with the various under the radar insults I posted upward. You don't actually seem to be offering Lou any of the advice you're insisting on, just claiming everyone here, Lou's (and apparently, her chosen professionals) advice is wrong. You even stated she shouldn't be flirting with someone else. That's extremely patronising to Lou herself, lest not to the posters whose advice she may have taken with her chosen professionals.

I haven't posted much on these threads other than to say good morning or talk about food because I have no advice to offer. Perhaps you should do the same? Just ignore people you think are being smartasses towards you, not because it's fair but because this is so serious, Lou's threads fill up fast and she doesn't deserve every single one to be filled with bunfights. I do agree some posters have been too harsh to you.

I think people are just frustrated (as am I) because these threads fill up very quickly, the last two were filled with this exact argument, you're dragging up things in the past (abortion clinic mistake) to continue the argument.

We ALL -including you- want this to be Lou's thread. Let's have faith she knows what is best from the advice offered here instead of making comments about those people? Lou has actually said you distressed her so much she doesn't want you on these threads. And this is about Lou. So if you are really are as concerned as you claim, why not ignore the pom pom wavers and say 'Lou, x was suggested. I suggest you do y.' Once.*

Sorry, slow typer. Thread has moved on.

Lou, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Dh and I have been ttc for 7y, I can't imagine having to consider aborting. Going from the fertility clinic (which is tough enough) to the abortion clinic. However, due to ill health, if I got pg now, we would have to consider aborting. This is the first month I hope I'm not pg. We will be here (and I hope that you aren't one who thinks I've been derailing, I want to be able to support)

And again, people attack porto, so the thread gets derailed. Lovely.

Lurking, are you suggesting a conspiricy too?

Weather here is warm. I have a skeletal problem and in the midst of a flare up. Going to pick up ds's school trousers and go round car boot so he can spend his earned pocket money.

Xales, excellent post that sums it up really.

SweetFanny - I absolutely agree with your last post. Maybe, just maybe, his asking to come to the scan was totally innocent and actually something he did want to do. Regardless of what an utter arse he has been/is, the fact remains that Lou is almost 10/11 weeks pregnant with his child and he absolutely has every right to be involved. I'm not an apologist for him, but as SFC says, there must have been something there once upon a time.

Perhaps his text, whilst still slightly me me me, actually had some honesty in it. He knows that he's blown it, but that doesn't mean that you can't maintain a civil relationship with him for the sake of this baby should you decided to continue with it. Perhaps he is actually genuinely sorry. I don't think Lou will know that until she meets with him. She will see it in his eyes if he is or he isn't.

Porto has laboured her point, but if you can step back to read it, she is being shouted down at every post she is mostly trying to defend herself. Please stop telling her to fuck off, it's so unpleasant and it's not what Lou wants. I think that a lot of what Porto has said is spot on, yet it would appear that because it's said by her it is slammed. If it was said by others I believe the responses would be far less vicious, and agreeing in a fair few cases.

I'm a bit confused about the 12 week deadline. AFAIK, under 9 weeks you can have a medical abortion but as a general rule after 9 weeks they recommended a surgical abortion? They're pretty different prospects, but there is no 12 week cut off that I know of. Maybe your hospital is different?

I understand it might take time to decide, but a 10 week and a 12 week abortion is not the same and I think creating this artificial deadline might make things harder for you in the long run.

I don't believe my post was an attack in any sense of the word.

No, I was saying Porto has people who agree with her views. Perhaps I worded it badly. If I believed there was a conspiracy, I would just say so. I am a blunt poster, I don't enjoy passive aggressiveness.

That's all I'll say on the topic. I was trying to help Porto.

Thank you for your posts. Two of you very kind people have said I seem 'Quite intelligent'. Only 'quite',.......?!!!!

I think Xales makes good points re: the gap between Chunt's words (the man he'd like to think he is) and his actions (the man he sadly really is).

I really feel for you Lou - you have been placed in a truly nightmarish situation by your H's actions and now have to find your way out without the very person you should be able to rely on for help/support. I can't imagine what it must be like to get your head around all this. Your strength and resilience is amazing and your ability to maintain a sense of humour during all of this will help you through.

It must seem so bleak now, but one day, in the not too distant future, you WILL be able to wake up on a day like today and happily look forward to heading off to the Peak District with a (chutney-free) picnic hamper stuffed full of tasty crumpets and the like...

Stupid Chutney and his stupid texts upsetting you.

If you feel that he is genuinely taking responsibility for what he has done and his main concern is how he can now help and support you then it is probably worth talking to him.

If you feel that he is more concerned about how his actions are affecting him. If he is more concerned about saying what he did was wrong but was in fact only really a reaction to you and what you said/did/wore - then it is a waste of time and energy to engage with him.

There is a huge difference between someone who makes a terrible mistake and panics but then faces up to the consequences of their actions and someone who insists that what they have done is not actually their fault at all.

You can have an honest, respectful relationship with someone who takes responsibility for their own actions. You can exhaust yourself by trying to have an honest, respectful relationship with someone who insists that actually it's all someone else's fault.

Knowing the difference is what having good, healthy self-respect is all about.

Drops to Lou's knees and kisses ring.

How can I ever make up my 'quite' horrific faux pas to you, my sweet?

Then I apologise, I have reported because it looks like you are suggesting sock-puppeting.

I understand people being protective, but it seems that porto has been villified and can say/do no right now.

Lou, stop fishing!

Speaking of which, do you eat fish?

Well, if it gets deleted I guess I'll have to waste another post so Porto sees it. I mean it in kindness to her. Can't be bothered re-bolding and re-italic-ing.

Honestly I've reported one of your posts because I feel you're just goading now and looking for a fight. Everyone who doesn't agree with you is 'pom pom waving, hysterical, too invested, it's not healthy, views Lou's life as a soap opera, etc, etc.'

I actually have agreed with a few points you've made n the past but this is a support thread. It's Lou's choice what posts she ignores and which ones she doesn't. NOT YOURS. She is an adult and clearly quite intelligent, I'm quite sure she can work out what is not great advice without you pointing it out with the various under the radar insults I posted upward. You don't actually seem to be offering Lou any of the advice you're insisting on, just claiming everyone here, Lou's (and apparently, her chosen professionals) advice is wrong. You even stated she shouldn't be flirting with someone else. That's extremely patronising to Lou herself, lest not to the posters whose advice she may have taken with her chosen professionals.

I haven't posted much on these threads other than to say good morning or talk about food because I have no advice to offer. Perhaps you should do the same? Just ignore people you think are being smartasses towards you, not because it's fair but because this is so serious, Lou's threads fill up fast and she doesn't deserve every single one to be filled with bunfights. I do agree some posters have been too harsh to you.

I think people are just frustrated (as am I) because these threads fill up very quickly, the last two were filled with this exact argument, you're dragging up things in the past (abortion clinic mistake) to continue the argument.

We ALL -including you- want this to be Lou's thread. Let's have faith she knows what is best from the advice offered here instead of making comments about those people? Lou has actually said you distressed her so much she doesn't want you on these threads. And this is about Lou. *So if you are really are as concerned as you claim, why not ignore the pom pom wavers and say 'Lou, x was suggested. I suggest you do y.' Once.

I believe he's given up any rights to a part in this decision by behaving as he has done since he found out you are pregnant with his baby.

Actually, I believe he's said what he wants? Has he not?

Chin up kid, take yourself to the PD x

An delurking to say that I also think that this has degenerated into school playground at times- Porto and others have made some good points but seem to get hammered as it doesnt run with other thoughts. As for telling people to fuck off and the like, I am and .

lou can you talk through with your counsellor about pros/cons of talking to chutney . I can see (despite all that had gone one) why you may want to talk to him. But I think you are absolutely right to focus on your decision about pregnancy.

I do eat fish, so I'm actually not a veggie. Not a proper one anyone. I'm a pescetarian. And you know why? Because I like fish finger sandwiches on white bread with tommie sauce. You see, I have no class!!

My position is impossible. Suppose if I try to contact him whatever he responds with will be a good indication of his intentions. After all his communications I have no idea what he's truly thinking or whether he cares for me at all (not as much as he cares for him, I do know that). I don't feel he's sincere at all.

I would like to know if he will be a part of the baby's life, if he will want access etc. I feel all this is very very important. Something to mull over today.

Lurking & Aqua well said.

Can I also recommend the "hide thread function" as a useful tool?

The important thing here is to give Lou the support she needs to make a few really life changing choices, sometimes wondering "out loud" on here & chewing over what if's & maybe's can clarify the thought process.

Lou I can understand this pressure you are feeling - the mixed emotions about the baby & the situation you will face with either scenario must indeed be stomach churning.

Are you back to your lovely counsellor tomorrow?

Hope today isn't too awful, I know you have said how it's the worst day of the week for you.

How are your lovely parents?

Sorry cross posted- I think if you need clarity on his involvement (not that he will necessarily give you an answer or stick to it!) then talking to him may help.

Sorry - coming to this latest bit rather late. I agree that you should ignore what he's written. Does it really matter what it means? Words are cheap. Judge a man by his ACTIONS, not his words. He's sent you several texts now waffling on about how he's sorry for hurting you and that you'll never forgive him. It's all about him. If he was evenly remotely genuinely sorry he'd have fallen over himself to speak to you, see you, implore you to go to counselling with him, gone himself and given you feedback on his sessions by email if you wouldn't speak to him, sent you flowers, talked to his parents and yours to explain himself and try to find a way back to you, refunded the money he stole from you, been open and honest about where he is, etc. He's done none of that.

I think mathanxiety hit the nail on the head actually. He's had your solicitor's letter and he's had time to think about what the consequences of his actions are and he's bricking it. He's got one baby on the way in December and so far you haven't rushed off to terminate your pregnancy, as he'd hoped you would, which means you're seriously considering not doing so. Reality has finally bitten and it's not the way he'd imagined at all.

Oh and I had the beans and veggie sausages with toast for dinner last night. Beans were nice, sausages were a bit leathery IMO. Might try the Tesco's ones - are they nicer? These ones were Morrisons.