Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

Totally agree math there is no doubt that it is all still about him, and always will be.

Porto - I can see that you want to make sure that Lou is getting proper information.

However, that should also be tinged with acceptance that that information shouldn't necessarily be put here in isolation so that other people could get that information from this thread - one of the things that she appears to be finding helpful is having a group of strangers to talk to, even if its only to talk about interesting recipes. If that helps her through this awful breakdown of a relationship, it is one thing that we can help her with, without worry that we can get anything actually wrong if we're talking about food and what things might tempt her to eat.

Oh Porto,do drop it love. Lou has repeatedly acknowledged that she draws support from the inane chatter on her threads. She has also acknowledged that she is capable of separating fact from fiction. She is not taking legal advice from these threads - she has a lawyer who is advising her in a professional capacity. She is not allowing the strength of feeling for her on these threads to influence her decision on her pregnancy - she has a specialist counsellor who will help her to work through her feelings on this.

I understand that you are frustrated by what you see as poor judgement/advice from other posters,but take a step back & see that other than the unsuccessful trailing of chutneyfuck,she has been remarkably restrained & dignified. She is quite quite capable of making her own decisions & I can only imagine that some of the fantastical suggestions made on earlier threads have made her laugh just as loudly & disbelievingly as they have made me laugh. Possibly that was even the intention of the poster...

Fine. Move it to OTBT is what I am saying.

Hi Lou, Hope you don't mind me jumping into your thread now, I've been lurking from the start and haven't posted but that text you have just received made me want to post. Perhaps, just perhaps its meant as its said. Perhaps he isn't deluded, narcistic or have a personality disorder. Perhaps he just made a really stupid mistake and now can't see a way to put it right.

I've name changed because no-one on here knows this about my life..but it imploded pretty much the same way yours has 12 years ago. I came home from work and found my H had moved out, all his belongings had gone. No note, no nothing. I know only to well the horror you felt, I can remember ringing his mum and screaming down the phone at her "where is he? where is he?" only she didn't know. I rang him at work, only they wouldn't put me through. They confirmed he was there and was well, but had asked that my calls be re-directed (I felt so ashamed when the receptionist told me) I struggled to pull myself together, I was 6 months pregnant at the time and so I had to muddle on. For 3 weeks I heard nothing, he spoke to his parrents but refused to say where he was or why he'd left. His mum would ring me to tell me she'd heard from him and we would sob together, then a note was pushed through our door, it was from him. He admited to an affair, he'd made a huge mistake and it had all blown up in his face. Not only had he been having an affair for 18 months but now the OW was 5 months pregnant. The little bit of fun, the excitment, the fantasy bubble call it what you like had literally taken life of its own. He did the only thing he could think of doing at the time and that was to run. He didn't know how to tell me, he could not bring himself too look me in the eyes and tell me what a cheating lying selfish bastard he was. He was scared and he was a coward, he'd made a huge mistake in having an affair and it had gone wrong, in the worst way possible. He knew his harmless (well I was never to find out was I?~) fun now had huge consequences and instead of dealing with them his initial reaction was to run. We did not speak for weeks, I did not chase him again (after being told that he didn't want to speak to me at work) I saw a GP, started councelling, got a solicitor and started on the divorce path. He sent me another letter pretty much like your text (which prompted me to post) He begged me to talk to him, so at 8 and a bit months I agreed. (I don't know how people can make these huge decisions if the other person is willing to talk and not to let them). I needed to hear what he had to say.

It is conceivable despite the protests.....We are still together, its not been easy not at all, but for me, for us and for our family it has worked. My son is now nearly 12, he has a sister who is 7 and I have a DSD who is also nearly 12. She has always been part of our family. The OW is now married herself with more children. I found/find it (still) incredibly hard having her in our life, but as the mother of my husbands child she has her part in it. My H is again my DH, he is a good man who did something incredibly stupid. He played with fire (like many others) but he/we got burnt. We will have been married 21 years in a weeks time. I very rarely think about those dark days now. We've grown and we are happy.

I just wanted to offer you a different view. Thats all.

I wish you all the very best. You sound a lovely person.
Jx

Minimalaise. What an extraordinarily kind post. What a lady.

Not your call Porto no matter how many PMs of support you have. Can you not in it in your heart, if not your head to let it go?

Its Lou's thread, not yours and night after night you are here trying to dominate. You are looking obsessed.

Okay, I've been sitting on my hands here but...

"...I have given what I consider to be the appropriate advice for someone in lou's situation..."

That's the thing Porto - you have given what you consider to be the appropriate advice to Lou. Repeatedly. And whilst you undoubtedly do make some fair points, there's just something about the way in which you deliver your advice that rankles. Yours is just one of the many voices offering Lou advice here - and yet you seem inordinately frustrated that she's not discounting the majority of others and doing things your way? Added to that, you are also now discrediting the advice she has been given by RL professionals...

I am sorry if you've felt bullied here, but I can also understand Lou's regular posters/lurkers feeling fed up when this thread is repeatedly derailed in a way that is obviously upsetting to an OP who has shown great courage and resilience in the face of an absolutely devastating situation. Why keep returning to post when you apparently find the general tone of this thread (which Lou has made clear she finds a wonderful source of support) so infuriating? And when Lou herself has actually asked you to please stop? Surely this thread should be what LOU needs it to be, to help her through her very specific, heartbreaking situation. Why on earth should it be moved anywhere other than relationships? I'm with TooManyDaisies in struggling to understand your motivation for continuing to involve yourself in this thread when your involvement seems to inevitably end in upset for both yourself and the OP...

Porto is one of the few people speaking sense on this thread.

And she has had some really nasty posts, not from Lou but from others who seem to be totally over-invested in this thread.

*find it

Who has the right to tell people where to post now? Jesus the self importance knows no bounds.

Who are you talking about, Houseofplain? Porto, for suggesting that this thread be moved somewhere more appropriate? Or the legions of posters who keep trying to order her off the thread because they don't like her?

houseofplain - are you referring to all the people who have told Porto she has no business on this thread?

I have been lurking on this thread from the beginning but have not wanted to post as I have been in agreement with Porto on just about everything and have witnessed her getting a good kicking for voicing what I suspect many of us think .

It is utterly ridiculous for a mumsnetter to be volunteering to follow someone, people are over investing .

Please can we just get back to helping Lou, this thread is to help her get through a difficult time in her life, not to thrash out who's advice is more justified.If you haven't noticed Lou was happy posting on here this evening until all this kicked off again, how is that helping her???

Porto - I agree with you and I do think the fangirls on this series of threads are scary.

I'm really I'm cross with myself for getting involved in this again & after this post I will post for the sole purpose of supporting Lou on her support thread,however who is it hurting for a mumsnetter to volunteer to attempt to follow someone? Nobody as it happened & it was unsuccessful in that no following occurred. If anything,it showed Lou she had support & gave her a new focus.

I haven't said Porto has no place on this thread,in fact we have pm'd & I stand by my belief that her advice is generally sound & has it's place on Lou's thread,however it is up to Lou herself whether she decides to take any of what is offered as advice on here. I see no reason why all varieties of support/information/opinion can't be posted for her to digest/ignore as she sees fit,and by that token Porto ought to be able to accept that if her advice stands,then so does that of other posters with whom she disagrees.

That is my twopenneth worth.

Dear MiniMalaise, thank you for sharing your astoundingly similar story. Good to hear you're happy now. I hope very much that, when your H faced his utter crapness and begged forgiveness, he did so in a way that took your feelings into account (and OW's). If he recognises the person you are in your own right, appreciates your thoughts and emotions, cares when you hurt and understands the devastation his selfishness wrought on two lives ... he is not like Chutney. The man's had ample opportunities to demonstrate interest in Lou as a human being, going through difficult times. He has ignored them all.

Was you husband's note as pusillanimous, as impersonal, as the text Lou received today?

The only person I know who thinks they know all about law, and medicine, and counselling and can only see one stand point and everyone must do as they say is our HR manager at work.

Sounds like you had a good time, Bossy!

Who is portos quiche?

Apologies for answering a question with a question, Fanny. Why is thread as much about Porto as about its OP?

I did garlicnuts thank you -almost as good as you all did here I see!!

It isn't. Others are making it that way. I have lurked and posted under various names. Given advice and been appalled, but the way porto is being treated is disgusting. I had a tiny bit of it earlier.

Its vile.