Gone with the condiments

[LouP19]

Evening all,... Thank you to whoever came up with this lovely shiney new thread title!!

As for Fedora, well I looked and it certainly wasn't her I saw in the picture!! He did go to Italy though, I saw pictures on his camera of the Bay of Naples, and also a few video clips of boat trips. And that's when I saw one single picture of a young blonde who he called 'Fedora'. 'I took a picture of her as she's very attractive and I wanted to remember what she looked like'. Jeez, I had a bit of a go, but I left that one because I couldn't be arsed to have an argument. This was about 4 days before he left.

Anyway, onto other things. Had one of these evenings where I can't stop my brain from whirling over details from the last few months. Times when I believed him because it meant an easier life. Believing him meant not being called 'paranoid' or insecure' or told to 'grow up'. Believing him meant some peaceful times on my own, not having to put up with him stomping about, resenting the fact that he was here. Believing him the time he claimed he got a 4 1/2 hour train back from London one evening in November when he smelt of aftershave.

Arrrggghhh! I know there's nothing I can do to stop this churning, but I am SO annoyed at myself. There were signs, but I just hoped things would get better. He always complained of being under pressure at work, so I had faith that he was trying his best.

Am so tempted to contact his boss and let him know what he's being doing under the 'guise' of work. Obviously, I wouldn't do it, but it is so tempting,......

Need to remember revenge is a life well lived blah blah!!

I hate the fact that someone who wants and needs support is being told to go elsewhere. Support comes in many guises be that practical OR emotional. This is an outlet for Lou. Many many other on relationships have similar threads it's a safe(ish) place not AIBU or chat where it will be lost, it is completely acceptable to post here.

FWIW Lou I think your first interpretation of the text is bang on. He is trying to keep you swet as an option should things go pear shaped with the OW.

If his location and her name is eating you up why not employ a PI, it may be worth the peace of mind it brings?

Hi Lou, been lurking from the start and just want to say you are one tough cookie!!

Regarding the latest text from chutney, you are the only one who can tell if he is bring genuine or not, he's up shit creek and I think he is scared at how strong you are and he didn't expect it!

This board is titled "relationships" not "relationship advice" so personally I think that covers all types of things not just DPs but Lou has talked a lot about her parents, neighbours and friends i.e. "relationships" that have developed through this ordeal that Lou has found helpful and supportive.

Tribpot I think your take on this latest text is really good. He is most definitely a man who is playing at least one woman here (Lou) and nothing to stop him playing the other. It seems to be his MO.

Surely threads on Relationships aren't just about advice, they're about support too? And if the best way to support Lou is to take her mind off things a bit with chatty comments about jacket potatoes (with LOADS A BUTTER) & whatever brilliant chutney puns people can come up with - marvellous. I'm glad it's working for her. She sounds stronger every day to me.

And what's wrong with a bit of a flirt with a handsome younger man? It's not about leaping in to bed with someone, it's just another small way of reassuring herself that life DOES and WILL go on in spite of that twatslapper.

Hi Lou. Haven't posted recently, but I've been following. You are doing so amazingly well. Truly :)

I also think his text indicates that, deep down, he wants to come back. I think he always has, actually. He assumed that you'd break down and plead with him to come home & by default "forgive" him his sins. You haven't and he's a little lost lamb trying the Puss In Boots big, soulful eyes routine on you. "Please say you love me, LouLou, then I can sleep better at night knowing that when I've had enough of blondie I can come home".

He expected you to be sobbing into your scented hankies, not turning out to be She-Ra!

No Doris, you can delurk all you like but I have given what I consider to be the appropriate advice for someone in lou's situation. For that I am bullied by her supporters. Many of which have given well dodgy and illegal advice.

Thanks, math. I certainly don't expect Lou to, but I feel very sorry for the OW.

Porto, you described her lawyer as incompetent (or similar) and her counsellor as unethical and unprofessional. How exactly is that giving appropriate advice?

And I seem to recall you also had a go at her GP.

porto
Why do you still post here when it annoys you so much?
Fwiw I can see your point of view (on some things). But you keep saying the same thing over and over and it's clearly not helpful for the op.
I also feel a bit pissed off that you have rubbished Lou's solicitor AND counsellor. Are you both in rl? No? Then how can you judge what it or isn't good advice from a few details here posted by Lou? I really don't understand that.
I'm sorry if you feel bullied. But I've followed the op from the beginning and find it SO frustrating when pages and pages get devoted to petty arguing.
Please either stop or explain why you won't stop.

"details here posted"?! Hmm. It's late...

Going back a lot of pages to Chunt's latest cryptic message - because it's still taking my breath away.

If there was any way you could forgive me and forget this ever happened then I would want to be with you but I'm not sure this is possible

What the actual fucking fuck? He would "want to be with" Lou (big of him) on one simple condition - that she FORGETS this most devastating, insane series of life events: inflicted on her by himself! As if that's not staggering enough, he's not "sure" it's possible?

So - in his mind - this is entirely conceivable: A wife, cynically abandoned in a car park by a duplicitous husband who has secretly moved out lock, stock and barrel and admits to an affair in which he's impregnated the other woman; who then finds out she herself is pregnant; from whom he's adamantly withheld his address and future plans; whose welfare and pregnancy he's ignored; could simply forget any of it happened. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, with fewer complications. To him, this is imaginable but he's "not sure".

I actually thought UnlikelyAmazonian's XH was the most stupendously self-deluding, self-obsessed, callous twat face I'd had the displeasure of hearing about. But Chutney's matched him.

Not wishing to engage or prolong recent thread spats, but I was jolly curious as to why Lou isn't supposed (according to some) to find out where her husband lives or to flirt. But never mind. I'm remarking, not asking.

Have been reading and lurking on all the threads and just want to put my two penneth in. I actually think he is quite simplistic and easy to read, in his head he thought he was being gallant by doing right thing by the OW when he left you, if you think back to your first thread you said he didn't want you to get out of bed that morning and begged you to stay, he knew then it would be the end and you would never forgive him for the shit he has caused, I don't think he could see any other way. He took the cowards way out by clearing the house while you where at work, as I doubt he would have had the guts to tell you face to face, or maybe he was even worried you would push him for answers and the OW and her pregnancy would come to light and again he didn't have the balls to tell you this face to face. Once he had left he realised it was the wrong choice hence the for and against list he showed you in the pub (personally I think the bad points he cited against you where more to convince himself that his decision was justified rather than him trying to show you what he feels are the error of your ways). Now on finding you're also pregnant he sends his latest text testing the water to see how you feel about taking him back, kind of trying to get you to think about the possibility. I truly believe that he has realised he has fucked up and its all his own doing.

Please don't feel I am not sticking up for him in anyway as I think the way he has treated you have been appalling and I admire how well you coping. I can also see how much the posters on MN are keeping your spirits up, I only hope all the above fallout and any of the previous ones do not hinder that in anyway.

Please don't feel I am sticking up for him*

Oh, and I can totally see why some light hearted banter helps the op. It's light relief. From people who are on Lou's side/feel rotten for her/admire her courage/have been there before/whatever! How lovely it must be to log in and find encouraging and funny posts. And how shit to find a load of stupid fighting and bitching.

Lou, keep going. You've been brave and honest here and it's appreciated. I have no idea who you are in rl but I do remind myself that you are real and this isn't a soap opera.

And one other thing. Crumpets, crumpets, crumpets! Best. Thing. Ever.

I think in his self centred little mind he may be feeling a bit sorry. Sorry that no matter how he recasts the situation he somehow looks bad to others.Sorry that he has one and possibly two children to be responsible for. Sorry that the house of cards with OW is under threat if she finds out the truth. It has perhaps been his habit with Lou to treat her appallingly then make up by being nice. This is a larger example of this.

My sense about the purpose of these threads is that in real life Lou is getting professional advice on her health, legal situation and emotional wellbeing. From MN she is getting some cameraderie, some jokes and recipes, emotional support and a bit of a break from the big hard decisions of real life. I don't see why this presents any danger.To anyone.

Yes TooManyDaisies the combination of poor advice and treatment Lou has received initially made me think that she must be making this all up. But MNHQ assure me that it is genuine. So I stand by my view that she has been given very bad advice by professionals.

This is not a witch hunt. A witch hunt goes across the board. In general, posters are not being shouted down - for instance, someone gave a different reading of the text earlier today - and Lou herself acknowledged that it could be the right way to interpret it. I can see how Lissie might say that people are being hard on Porto - but she is continually positing on Lou's threads and telling everyone that they are given the wrong advice, and that all Lou's RL professional support is also incorrect/not helpful. And that they shouldn't be putting on chat about food etc, because it wouldn't be helpful for another poster looking in for advice.

However, these threads are about supporting Lou, not someone else.

She has had advice on what is stalking - and it has been confirmed by someone who says that they have the knowledge to advise, that finding out where stbxh is living is not stalking. If she were then to turn up at that address on several occasions, that might be stalking - but she just wants the address.

She has a lawyer from whom she has had advice on her own specifics.

She has a counsellor - who she has found to be positive.

She was struggling to eat anything at the start of the month - is it surprising that some people have picked up on her regular comments on food to start comparing notes on different options that might suit to try to encourage her in this - its one of the things that you don't need professional qualifications to be able to post about.

Yes, its in relationships... This was the fall out from one, so really its the most appropriate place. Anyone looking for advice is going to see one of these threads full of crumpets and philladelphia and look for a different option - not wade through them all - there are more succinct threads that deal with the specifics on much shorter threads.

So, lets get on with supporting Lou. If you have specific professional experience that indicates that advice that she is getting from mnetters might be flawed, yes, make that known. Lets not let another thread get derailed please, there's been enough full-moon madness across the board in recent days without anymore.

I repeat - why are you still posting? And are you a divorce lawyer? A psychotherapist? Would be fascinated to know.

No. I am a lone poster who wants people to talk sense. Noone can post here without getting shouted down. I have PMs to back me up.

Sugarkane, still all about him and what was easiest for him and what made him feel he was being honourable. His self image went tits up when he realised Lou was pregnant too. Then he sent that shocker about her pregnancy being inconvenient which imo really showed his true colours -- it was cold. He is incredibly (pathologically) self centered imo.

here we go again. If you dont like what you read here , then STOP reading it!!!

This is Lou's thread about her RELATIONSHIP falling apart. If she wants to talke about crumpets in the meantime, let her carry on. Everybody talked about shoes at one time on my thread! It didnt make it a style and beauty thread?! LOL

Hope you have had a good evening Lou. I know that you want to concentrate on the decisions that you have to make

I hope you can ignore recent posts that seem to be dragging up stuff from previous threads and banging on about stuff that doesnt need to be banged on about.......

and no Im not waving pompoms or making quiche. I just want Lou to do what she wants on her thread.

People seem to have extrapolated lots about chutney including that he is an academic of some sort. He is not. Lou herself mentioned that he was a business development managers- sales then. About 35 k at a Uni.

Porto - I want to talk sense too. Your posts have been unkind and alarmist. Any truth there might be in what you say has been diminished by your tone and repetition.

Now. That is all. I'm not going to get sucked into replying or posting directly to you again. This thread is about supporting Lou. Frankly I'm a bit ashamed that I challenged you in the first place.

Why should you be bothered though? I'd understand if op couldn't see the wood for the trees.

Taking a pinch full of posts, which suit and agenda of piss poor advice. But she isn't. She's using the thread to offload. She has all the professionals she needs in rl involved.

So seriously why? Over invested? Seems you maybe too. No one cares about pms. Especially not when they are been discussed with regards to shit stirring.

You aren't coming across well really.