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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was this all my fault?

96 replies

scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 13:21

DH works full time, I'm a SAHM.
I do all the childcare (he works nights and sleeps all day, so I do mean all) and all house work except washing up, which he does. He waits until we have nothing clean left and then gets in a massive strop and does half, then the cycle starts again.

Today I asked that if he spill something on the kitchen side, he wipe it up rather than me then have to scrub it later. He then said it was the same as me using a plate and not washing it up.
Somehow it resulted it a massive row, he then punched the fridge and stormed off. I followed him (I know I shouldn't have) to tell him that was not acceptable in front of Dd, and he grabbed me hard by the arms an punched me backwards against the front door.
When I shouted that wasn't acceptable either (I forget the exact wording) he shouted that it was all my fault for goading him.
I took DD to the park to give him space to calm down, when I got home he stormed out.
He's still adamant this is all my fault.
I know it sounds like nothing, but I'm shaking and crying and just hate the thought of DD frowning up thinking punching furniture is normal. He never listens when I try to explain how damaging it is.

Was this all my fault? I suppose it is really.
I probably shouldn't even be posting, I just needed to get it out :(

OP posts:
Original poster
scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 13:22

Sorry, he didn't punch me, he pushed me. Autocorrect Sad

OP posts:
MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 30/08/2012 13:22

It's not your fault, he was being a twat.

TequilaMockinBird · 30/08/2012 13:23

No, no, no it is NOT your fault, none of it is.

He's an abusive tosser and you shouldn't put up with this behavior. Is this the first time he's been violent?

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 30/08/2012 13:24

I am a SAHM with DH on permanent nights as well, I know it's hard.

DH gets woken by the children sometimes, despite my best efforts. Gets a bit grumpy sometimes. But he would never lash out like that, it seems totally disproportionate - are there other things going on too?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 13:26

Of course it's not your fault and it's not normal either. He's choosing to be aggressive in response to a fairly mundane request about spillages. It sounds like these 'massive strops' and violent arguments happen frequently. He has some serious problems and you should get yourself and your children away from him for your own safety.

Punching or pushing is all physical violence....

MooncupGoddess · 30/08/2012 13:26

No it isn't your fault! And it doesn't sound like nothing! And the fact you think it is suggest he has been treating you like shit for quite some time.

I would also venture to suggest that even if he works nights he should have a few hours free in the day to look after your DD and do some housework.

Do you have RL support? Could you speak to Women's Aid about this?

Isabeller · 30/08/2012 13:29

This is not your fault and it is not ok.

What do you want to do?

the freedom programme has a download about Mr Good & Mr Bad which I found very helpful in seeing unacceptable behaviour for what it was.

Good luck.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 13:29

He held me down once to shout in my face, but that was because we were having a row and I was going to take DD out to get away from it.
He's never usually aggressive, but I get frustrated that he doesn't help with DD (but I know he's tired) and he spends hours a day playing over games and I get lonely.
I don't think I need women's aid or anything, just wish it hadn't happened a there's now going to e a horrible atmosphere :(

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2012 13:32

You do need Women's Aid. That's what they are there for. This man is an abusive, selfish shitbag and you need to get him out of the house. Best of luck.

MooncupGoddess · 30/08/2012 13:34

Oh God scentednappyhag, there is never any excuse for holding you down to shout in your face. He sounds horrible. Good relationships are not like this. If he has enough energy to play games he has enough energy to look after your DD.

Do you have nice parents or friends you could talk to?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 13:35

"He's never usually aggressive,"

He held you down to shout in your face. He goes into massive strops about the one washing up job he supposed to do. He punched your furniture and pushed you around? Spends hours every day playing computer games even though he's 'tired'?

You really do need Women's Aid. That 'horrible atmosphere'... that's your life.

polkadotsrock · 30/08/2012 13:35

Not your fault and not a nice way to live at all, I feel awful for you. If he has time to play games then he has time to spend with dd, it might just lift his mood if you can all play or spend some nice time together.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 13:37

Most of the time he's nice though, and I don't think he'd ever hurt me, definitely not Dd.
Oh god, I can hear what I sound like, but really, he's not what I'd call abusive.
I have lovely family, but don't want to make things awkward Sad
Not really any friends sadly, they all drifted away after I had Dd.

OP posts:
polkadotsrock · 30/08/2012 13:37

My last post Sounds horribly naive, I know, but if you don't want to leave or seek help then it might be a start to making a happier home

puds11 · 30/08/2012 13:38

My Ex started out punching furniture, unfortunately it doesn't take long until you are the furniture.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 13:39

I think I might be hard work sometimes, and I know it really annoys him that I don't do the washing up.
It's his birthday on Monday, and I had lots of nice plans, but I know he's going to want to cancel them now Sad I don't even know where he's gone now, I'm dreading him coming home and this carrying on Sad

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 13:42

"Most of the time he's nice though, and I don't think he'd ever hurt me, "

You're shaking and crying. You've been grabbed by the arms, pushed out of the way and he punched the fridge. How much more hurt do you want to be?

LemarchandsBox · 30/08/2012 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 30/08/2012 13:43

You think he will punish you by cancelling plans.

You worry he will be annoyed about the washing up.

It sounds like you are on eggshells trying to keep him happy. Why? What does he does to make you happy? Just not shout? Is that a good day, where nobody upset him?

It sounds like a really unhappy life at the moment Sad We don't all live like this you know, it isn't normal.

LemarchandsBox · 30/08/2012 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 13:44

"I think I might be hard work sometime"

This man - this punching, pushing, swearing, lazy man that has got you shaking, in tears and frightened to death - is the man who is suppose to love and cherish you more than anything else in the world. He promised when you got married to love and honour you till death do you part... remember that? If a stranger walked into your house and started acting the way he behaved, you'd call the police. You wouldn't think they loved you..

NarkedRaspberry · 30/08/2012 13:44

Shoving people into doors, pinning them down and shouting in their faces and punching fridges isn't normal human behaviour.

joblot · 30/08/2012 13:45

A sahm should not be treated as a slave. How come his needs are more important than your? Totally wrong whatever. his work. Please don't blame yourself or accept life as a second class citizen

HeathRobinson · 30/08/2012 13:47

'I know it sounds like nothing'

No, really, it is a helluva big SOMETHING.

And it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Original poster
scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 13:47

Oh god, I don't know what to do now. I was almost hoping you'd all laugh at me and tell me to just do the bloody washing up Sad
I know it's not normal, but it's only two incidents in our whole relationship, and oh fuck I'm just a mess

OP posts: