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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Was this all my fault?

96 replies

scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 13:21

DH works full time, I'm a SAHM.
I do all the childcare (he works nights and sleeps all day, so I do mean all) and all house work except washing up, which he does. He waits until we have nothing clean left and then gets in a massive strop and does half, then the cycle starts again.

Today I asked that if he spill something on the kitchen side, he wipe it up rather than me then have to scrub it later. He then said it was the same as me using a plate and not washing it up.
Somehow it resulted it a massive row, he then punched the fridge and stormed off. I followed him (I know I shouldn't have) to tell him that was not acceptable in front of Dd, and he grabbed me hard by the arms an punched me backwards against the front door.
When I shouted that wasn't acceptable either (I forget the exact wording) he shouted that it was all my fault for goading him.
I took DD to the park to give him space to calm down, when I got home he stormed out.
He's still adamant this is all my fault.
I know it sounds like nothing, but I'm shaking and crying and just hate the thought of DD frowning up thinking punching furniture is normal. He never listens when I try to explain how damaging it is.

Was this all my fault? I suppose it is really.
I probably shouldn't even be posting, I just needed to get it out :(

OP posts:

MooncupGoddess · 30/08/2012 13:51

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

It's not just two incidents in your relationship, though, is it - maybe he has only been violent twice, but he sounds like he is regularly unpleasant (getting in a regular strop about the washing up, FFS) and contributes nothing to domestic life or your DD's upbringing.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 13:51

It's not just two. Quote "He waits until we have nothing clean left and then gets in a massive strop and does half, then the cycle starts again." That's been going on for a while, hasn't it?

This is not an equal partnership. You are being treated as a dogsbody and you're just about keeping a lid on it as long as you don't make a fuss and keep your mouth shut. The minute you get out of your box, he's lashing out.

What you choose to do next is up to you but please open your eyes and stop making excuses for him. A lot of us here have made the mistake of marrying someone who seemed nice only to discover they have a nasty streak. It's very common.

alienreflux · 30/08/2012 13:52

i know it really annoys him i don't do the washing up ??!! really? it's his only fuckin job in the whole house!!!! i bet it annoys you that he sits in front of his computer games, ignoring his family. he's a twat, and you should tell him! write it all down maybe and give it to him, people only treat you the way you allow them to love. and do you really want your daughter to grow up looking for a man that treats her exactly like her dad treated you. I can tell by your posts you're thinking 'they've got all this out of proportion', but he should not be treating you that way

NarkedRaspberry · 30/08/2012 13:53

OK. So you know it's not normal and he either doesn't or doesn't care.

LemarchandsBox · 30/08/2012 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 30/08/2012 13:57

Ok, I know how hard it is to see things for how they are but please try.

Turn off his voice in your head. Everytime you blame yourself thats him speaking. Everytime you call yourself "hard work" thats him speaking.

Your friends drifted away. Did they? Or did he complain everytime you saw or mentioned them? Did it seem easier to drift from them than listen to him?

I doubt very much that he works 7 nights a week. There is no way that hes tired every single day in life. If he can play computer games he can look after his kids and do some washing up.

The dishes are his only job and he cant even do them properly.

This is not ok. You deserve so so much better. He is the definition of an abuser. This violence is it escalating and it will get worse.

I argue with my DP but I have never felt scared. He does most of the housework (because Im pregnant) and yes he has a moan now and then, but he never has been physical. Hes not working right now but even when working full time it was the same.

I also know of a man who works nights and then does the school run, a bit of housework and then sleeps so that his partner can work in the day.

Please try to see that this isnt normal.

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 13:57

Thank you all for actually taking the time to reply, I didn't realise just how lonely I was until I had to come and cry to people I don't even know when I'm having a problem
I'm sorry it seems like I'm not taking the advice on board, I honestly am, I'm just upset about everything, and I feel stupid.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 30/08/2012 13:59

What would happen if, during one of the most of the times when he's nice, you sat down and talked to him about how unacceptable his behaviour was?

alienreflux · 30/08/2012 14:01

maybe he doesn't realize how much he's scared you.tell him and see what he says. my dp would be mortified to think i had ever been scared of him,even for a second. who does the stroppy bastard think he is?

LemarchandsBox · 30/08/2012 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 14:01

He'd get defensive and feel guilty. I try to explain about the pc etc, and he agrees it's too much and promises to make more effort, but never does.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 14:03

You're not stupid, you're down-trodden. And it's OK to be upset. If you check the Women's Aid site you'll find lots of information there and lots of examples of women who have experienced very similar treatment at the hands of partners. It often starts after a woman has the first child and maybe stops working for a while. An abusive husband can treat that as his cue to start acting like a tyrant, throwing his weight around and demanding she fill the role of 'little houswife'.

Do get some real life support for this. Do you have family you could talk to?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 30/08/2012 14:07

No one here will tell you that you are wrong to stay. We just want you to see the reality of the situation.

So if you read this and decide not to do anything, thats ok! We are here to support you no matter what.

And please dont feel stupid. I have been in two abusive relationships. Two!! You would think Id have learnt after the first time!! You are not stupid for falling in love with someone and wanting to see the best in them!

delilahlilah · 30/08/2012 14:09

Op, don't feel stupid. How long have you been with him?

JustFabulous · 30/08/2012 14:10

FFS you KNOW it wasn't your fault. He is a twat and who thinks he is BOSSMAN and can't cope with little wifey pulling him up on his behaviour. Stop cooking and cleaning for him. Stop washing his clothes. Definitely stop shagging him. You don't have to take that shit and you definitely should not take it.

"He is going to want to cancel his birthday now?" Let him. He is an immature twat.

If he works night and sleeps all day how does he have time to play games all day? I thought he had no time to help with the child.

He never changes because he has no reason too.

SuoceraBlues · 30/08/2012 14:15

I think I might be hard work sometimes

I'm hard work too sometimes.

I don't get held down while somebody screams in my face. Furniture doesn't get punched. I don't get pushed into things. I don't need to escape the house with my child so my boy can get away from a horrible atmosphere and my husband return to accetable levels of behavoir.

This is not you making him to do things to you. It's him either

a) choosing to behave like this

b) choosing to relinquish control so he can excuse himself later for having behaved like this.

You do not have control of his central nervous system that is operating him limbs and mouth . He does. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do. And that includes violent, aggressive and selfish behavoirs.

Please read this previous post from CogitoErgoSometimes again. It bears repeating

.......

Add message | Report | Message poster CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 30-Aug-12 13:35:09
"He's never usually aggressive,"

He held you down to shout in your face. He goes into massive strops about the one washing up job he supposed to do. He punched your furniture and pushed you around? Spends hours every day playing computer games even though he's 'tired'?

You really do need Women's Aid. That 'horrible atmosphere'... that's your life.

shesariver · 30/08/2012 14:16

Its ok to be upset, but you have some serious thinking to do - not just because of the say so of a bunch on anonymous people on the internet but because you are living with an abuser. And its not "only 2 incidents". And scarily things will get worse. He has hurt yoyu physically and emotionally to going by what you have posted so far.

Right I dont mean to be blunt - you have 2 choices. Option 1 is to stay with your DH and slowly but surely lose all sense of who you are and risk your psychological and physical wellbeing. Plus the psychological well being of your DD because dont kid yourself she wont get hurt. He may not hurt her physcially but growing up in a household where her Mum is an abused woman will cause deep mental scars and make it more like she has dysfunctional relationships as an adult to.

Option 2 is going to be hard - because it involves accepting you and your DD deserve better than this and starting a new life without your DH. Eventually you will be happy again.

good luck

SuoceraBlues · 30/08/2012 14:23

I'm sorry it seems like I'm not taking the advice on board, I honestly am, I'm just upset about everything, and I feel stupid

You aren't stupid love. It's a process of realization. It takes time. But the question is ....is there time from you to process and accept that this is far far far from healthy or safe before it escalates or cements itself as the norm whoch could have profound physical and emotional consequences for you and your child who is learning what romantic love looks like from her parents.

Don't keep this secret. Can you tell your family, would they support you ?. How would his mum and dad react do you think if they knew about this ?

Original poster

scentednappyhag · 30/08/2012 14:24

'Fine. I know I shouldn't have punched the fridge, but FFS you were moaning about having to do the sides every few days... YES... They'll need doing every day, so does the bathroom and hoovering and washing and so on... I know I could help more... But I DO expect you to be doing more housework. It's either that or get a job, you don't get it both ways. I will help more but I feel all the pressure is on me right now not to get sacked, or to find another job or to get more money, to be there for u and DD, and some of the housework. I know I don't do as much at home as I probably should, and I want to help more, but it's tough when I don't see u doing what I feel you should be. Your right you shouldn't have goaded me like you did. But you were angry too and I'm not upset about that.'
That's the text I just got. Is this unreasonable? I don't trust my own judgement right now, I'm too upset.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 14:29

His actions were totally unreasonable. His opinion belongs in the 1950s. If a couple disagrees about something like sharing household jobs then they sit down and talk about it like grown-ups, they do not punch, swear, shake, grab or any other aggressive, violent behaviour. He's still trying to justify his violence as being your fault.... he has a real problem.

SuoceraBlues · 30/08/2012 14:29

So, basically you got a

"I'm sorry, but actually I'm not cos really this is all your fault...get a job or get better at housework, and let's focus on that cos those are way bigger "sins" than violence and aggresion"

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 14:31

"But you were angry too and I'm not upset about that.'"

You asked him to take a J-Cloth to spillages.... Can you see that's not at all the same thing as rampaging round the house like a madman & leaving a woman shaking and crying?

alienreflux · 30/08/2012 14:34

Your right you shouldn't have goaded me like you did. But you were angry too and I'm not upset about that.' blame shifting? much?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 14:34

"It's either that or get a job, you don't get it both ways."

You know what .. in your shoes, I'd get a job. I'd get a job, point out this means he has to pull his weight round the house more, save up my money and then show him the door. This is not a man to be financially dependent upon because he clearly thinks that, by earning the family money, he owns you

polkadotsrock · 30/08/2012 14:35

It sounds like he is not coping with the pressure of being a dad and the sole earner. I'm not excusing him or his actions but perhaps some counselling might be the way to go. He clearly needs to learn some better coping mechanisms and you will see what kind of man he is by whether he accepts counselling and wants to change or if he won't, in which case you probably would be best off considering a future without him.

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