Was this all my fault?

[scentednappyhag]

DH works full time, I'm a SAHM.
I do all the childcare (he works nights and sleeps all day, so I do mean all) and all house work except washing up, which he does. He waits until we have nothing clean left and then gets in a massive strop and does half, then the cycle starts again.

Today I asked that if he spill something on the kitchen side, he wipe it up rather than me then have to scrub it later. He then said it was the same as me using a plate and not washing it up.
Somehow it resulted it a massive row, he then punched the fridge and stormed off. I followed him (I know I shouldn't have) to tell him that was not acceptable in front of Dd, and he grabbed me hard by the arms an punched me backwards against the front door.
When I shouted that wasn't acceptable either (I forget the exact wording) he shouted that it was all my fault for goading him.
I took DD to the park to give him space to calm down, when I got home he stormed out.
He's still adamant this is all my fault.
I know it sounds like nothing, but I'm shaking and crying and just hate the thought of DD frowning up thinking punching furniture is normal. He never listens when I try to explain how damaging it is.

Was this all my fault? I suppose it is really.
I probably shouldn't even be posting, I just needed to get it out :(

Please dont accept that talk as it being sorted OP.

He really is working on you. In another month or so you wont know yourself if you let this continue.

while he said that I wasn't a failure, I wasn't doing my job properly.

That's magnanimous of the fucker. So he's giving you a C+ rather than a B-? Yay! When you come up for promotion that's going to be really useful. Except wait - you're not his servant or his employee, your life does not consist of making his easier.

It isn't sorted. He has smoothed you over. He knows he can do this because you said yourself you hate to cause a fuss. I'm sorry op but so much rings alarms and sounds klaxons. The fact that your friends have drifted away? classic abusive relationship symptom.

I know he's been an absolute fucknugget, but honestly, he's nothing to do with the friend situation. He encourages me to see them/go out for the evening etc, it's more to do with the fact i'm the only parent, and my friends want to go out and get drunk every night. I can't let him take the blame for that one, it's honestly nothing to do with him.
But he is to blame for his lack of self control. I'm going to give it a few days until everything has properly calmed down, and then raise it again as a calm discussion. I want to make it clear to him that I am not willing to accept his attitude and behaviour, and I WILL leave if it doesn't get under control. And I will, I'm not just saying that, I watched my mum get walked all over and I will not allow that for my daughter. But- I do think he is entitled to one last chance to prove himself.
I know you will all think I'm being stupid, but I feel that, for me, this is the right course of action.

Well done for planning on standing up for yourself but, should it come to anyone leaving, do remember that it's him that goes & not you. In the few days while everything is calming down use your time constructively to see a solicitor so that you can understand your position in the event of a divorce. Knowledge is power.

I'd also suggest you have a very high bar for 'proving himself'. A normal, loving partner does not.... play games whilst claiming to be too tired to take an interest in family.... have 'massive strops' when washing up needs doing... belittle their partner's efforts or contribution.... etc. Do you see what I'm saying? When you're in an abusive relationship, your judgement about what is right and wrong gets warped. You accept as normal behaviour what others see as horrendous. So set the bar very high and judge him by that, rather than what you're used to.

Ofcourse you want to give him a chance. Thats completely normal. You arent going to split your family up until you are completely sure it cant be fixed.

But please dont get caught in the "one more chance" trap. You lay down the law, he changes for a month and then it all slips back into the way it was. Then you give another chance ad infinitum.

Be strong. We are here for you no matter what.

I understand and appreciate what you're saying, and it's very important to me that my DD doesn't grow up in an environment like yesterday. I will not let this happen.
I'm going to keep my mum in the loop, so she can point out anything that my judgement may be skewed on.
I don't want to end my marriage, but I will if he does not get his anger under control.

Having read all of this a number of things stand out;

A. That he is emotionally unaffected by you.

B. That he makes everything about him and can only understand things which are about him/his image.

C. That he feels entitled to be aggressive and violent towards you

D. That he has no respect for you.

I know you are feeling better this morning but what you have had from him is clever manipulation which is part of the cycle of abuse. It is not hope for the future.

Because he thinks it is ok to hit the furniture, because he is escalating and managing to get away with turning things around on you afterwards and because I suspect he has no greater feelings towards you than he does the furniture (what you can do for him) I would bet my house that this is not the end of the violence and poor treatment.

He sounds narcissistic to be honest and this is a worry.

No-one goads someone to violence and aggression by asking them to wipe the surfaces - doesn't that sound ridiculous?

Everybody is under pressure at work in this climate, not everybody responds to that with violence and aggression and out of those people who may the correct response is to take responsibility for that behaviour. He has not.

It is completely reasonable if one parent has a job that the other parent do the childcare and that the housework is shared.

I have been in an abusive relationship before, and my marriage isn't anything like the cycle I use to go through. I know all abuse will be different, but judging on the relationship as a whole, I do not believe he has no feelings for me.
He was abusive, and he was wrong and disgusting, but I don't think I can give him a fair chance to prove himself if I assume that he is a terrible person as a whole.
I understand there is a lot of experience on these boards, far more than I have, so please don't think I'm minimising that.

Just because he is not as bad as your other partner does not mean he is not abusive.

When you said he didn't understand about you being hurt but was concerned about how people would think of him that really, when added to his turning it round on you and refusing to admit responsibility cannot actually be anything other than abuse can it?

He may not be a truly terrible person, he may love you in the way he is capable of loving you but love shouldn't hurt you, when love hurts you that is domestic abuse.

And EVERYTHING you are saying "it isn't that bad" is what all victims of abuse say.

Objectively it is that bad, a whole load of strangers have said it is that bad but the way you think of it doesn't match up to that view which is, I think one of the biggest signs of being abused - readjustment of boundaries so that abuse is tolerated/unremarkable/not that bad.

I don't mean he doesn't have feelings for you btw, this is the most complicated and hard to understand thing about being abused I think. What I mean is he is not emotionally affected by having hurt you other than to feel irritated at you complaining about it. By contrast you say he was emotionally affected by worries about what people might think about him.

I didn't say that he wasn't abusive because it's not as bad as a previous relationship offred, I'm saying that he was abusive yesterday, but I do not believe I am in an abusive relationship.
Yes, I might be wrong, and we can can call me naive then, but for now I need to trust myself as the strong person I know I am.

I don't think you are naive, I think you are a strong woman trying to cope with terrible treatment and do right by herself, her husband who she loves and her child. I'm sorry if I've come on a bit strong. I don't think it is naive to think all those things but I think to give it a chance of working out really and to properly assess what is going on you need to be able to see in your mind the reality of what he is saying and doing just now and not what you would like to believe he means. From what you say he isn't sorry about hurting you, he is sorry about what other people might think that says about him. He is unsatisfied with how well you perform your role. He has been violent towards you. How do you go forward with that reality? (not saying you can't or shouldn't, that's up to you completely to decide)

I think offred meant that some women have multiple abusive relationships and justify the next because that partner does less abusive things than the previous. Its a well known pattern.

You are not naive. But you are under his influence and the longer it goes on the weaker he will make you. The weaker you get the more violent he will become. Its classic abuse.

No one blames you for not seeing it and please do not think we are criticising you. We are just trying to give an outsiders pov because we know how hard it is to see things when in the situation.

Just make sure you set that bar high enough.

You deserve to be treated with respect. That's minimum.

No shouting in your face, no intimidation, no verbal abuse, no rough physical contact, no being held to his standards, no taking out anger on objects, no slamming doors.

He does his share without stropping or huffing or sighing or making a big hoo-haa over how wonderful he is/lucky you are. He doesn't avoid family time/interaction/doing his share by playing the computer.

And if I were you, I would into your options as a lone parent, what benefits you'd get, what tax credits etc, so you know you can do this on your own.

Look at the title you chose op. You seem keen to be responsible. It worries me that your first instinct was that you might have made him be aggressive and that speaks volumes. It's the cause for the great concern for yours and your dd's emotional and physical wellbeing.

It not like you came on here saying 'My dh got aggressive today but apart from that he is loving and supportive and a wonderful partner.'

We're only responding to seeing those telltale sentences and sentiments from people in damaging and harmful relationships.

I wonder what you are getting out of this relationship? You do all the childcare and as good as all the housework. And other couples have partners who work nights, but still do a reasonable share of both. He is disrespectful of you. And now he has been violent. So what do you get from your partner? Because as an outsider it doesnt appear that you are getting much at all from this setup.

Well done for leaving previous abusive relationship. You are doing so well, keep posting and keep getting RL support too.

And in the meantime, get hold of &read 'why does he do that' by lundy Bancroft.