Was this all my fault?

[scentednappyhag]

DH works full time, I'm a SAHM.
I do all the childcare (he works nights and sleeps all day, so I do mean all) and all house work except washing up, which he does. He waits until we have nothing clean left and then gets in a massive strop and does half, then the cycle starts again.

Today I asked that if he spill something on the kitchen side, he wipe it up rather than me then have to scrub it later. He then said it was the same as me using a plate and not washing it up.
Somehow it resulted it a massive row, he then punched the fridge and stormed off. I followed him (I know I shouldn't have) to tell him that was not acceptable in front of Dd, and he grabbed me hard by the arms an punched me backwards against the front door.
When I shouted that wasn't acceptable either (I forget the exact wording) he shouted that it was all my fault for goading him.
I took DD to the park to give him space to calm down, when I got home he stormed out.
He's still adamant this is all my fault.
I know it sounds like nothing, but I'm shaking and crying and just hate the thought of DD frowning up thinking punching furniture is normal. He never listens when I try to explain how damaging it is.

Was this all my fault? I suppose it is really.
I probably shouldn't even be posting, I just needed to get it out :(

No remorse there nor taking any responsibility for his actions. He is projecting and blaming you for all his inherent faults; these are all things that abusive men do. He seems to spend more time on the computer than actually playing with his child.

Ignore his text; he cannot even be bothered to have a phone conversation with you. Text is non communication really.

Please talk to Womens Aid as they can and will help you further here. It is for women in abusive situations like you are. You cannot go on like this, he is inherently violent (you did not make him this way, he is choosing to act like this) and such behaviours more often than not escalate. It is not a healthy environment either for you or for your DD to be raised in.

I think I may as well just follow CogitoErgoSometimes around on this thread saying "what she said"

Cos love, she is right on the money.

Have you told anybody in RL what happened ?

Sole counselling for you alone may well help you scented as you will be able to talk freely in a both safe and controlled environment.

Joint counselling is NEVER recommended in ongoing abusive situations like yours.

Would urge you to talk to Womens Aid today.

I've emailed my mum, so she's supporting me. He's now also said 'I'm not sure that days of dishes building is really housework. Or the carpet with bits from the bathroom on it, or the bedroom being left for weeks on end. Now I know it's tough when I'm at work, or in bed but if u wanted to you could find a way. I'm saying it's easy but it's not meant to be.'
I think I'm starting to get angry now. How dare he say I don't do anything. Trying to parent a toddler and keep on top of the housework is a fucking hard job, and not helped when he expect butler service by leaving his plates on the floor, rubbish on the floor rather than the bin and generally doing fuck all when he's here.
How fucking dare he be sat god knows where right now, smugly telling me everything he thinks is wrong with me!

Felt compelled to post here.

He sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Even down to not doing the washing up until everything was dirty. In fact, even when everything was dirty he still wouldn't do it, and I actually hid little containers I could use to cook with (I still cooked for him with no utensils and pans!), and for me to eat off. And his playing the pc all the time and doing no other housework.

And the pushing, shouting in my face. everything except hitting me. He even chased me and punched things near me, but never 'hit' me cos 'that would be abuse'. And refusing to talk about it, or blame shifting so I MADE him do it. :( :(

I didn't actually realise I was in an abusive relationship until he had an affair and I left. I walked on eggshells for YEARS, put up with his behaviour for YEARS. Please don't be me :(

Now I'm not with him, its so liberating. I am quite messy round the house and I don't worry about getting chased/pushed/shouted at for not cleaning while he did bugger all.

Please listen to the other posters. This IS abuse. :( :(

And cogito - I worked too. Men like this have a way of belittling your work so you are still responsible for all the housework. All because ultimately they are entitled misogynists.

Good for you if you're starting to see him for the lazy, condescending & nasty slob he really is. "I'm not saying it's easy".... funny man isn't he? Stick a song on the end of his Chauvinist Pig Act and he could do a summer season at Blackpool. Warning...you'll feel weepy again before the day's out but make the most of feeling indignant because you'll make better decisions with a clear head. Glad you've told your mum what's happening.

The place isn't a show home, and it's messy because it's too small for us, but I do my best while making sure DD is looked after too. It's not exactly wallowing in our own filth, I do my fucking best
DD is healthy, happy and clean, and that's all down to me, so fuck him and his stupid fucking smug twat face

Does he also have a 'lovely' side? So he'll be an arse to you, it will build to something physical (ie push, not punch). Then he'll be really nice and you think you must be wrong / difficult and he can't possibly be that much of an arse?

Go girl. You've every right to feel angry and upset, we are all behind you in spirit

So what's your next step OP? Bar the doors? Take DD to your mums for a bit? See a solicitor?

I don't know what the next step for me is yet, I'm still utterly gobsmacked that all of this is over the fact he doesn't consider what I do to be proper housework I'm actually sat here with my mouth hanging open here, how can he think punching my home is acceptable because he wants more hoovering done?!
I don't know if leaving him is the answer, or whether he can be shown how ridiculous he's being. Worst bit is, he has the week off as AL.

You need some thinking time away from him. Partly because I don't think it's safe for you to be under the same roof and partly because I think you have to challenge his dominance head-on. During the time away, check out your rights in the event of a divorce, talk to Women's Aid and get some information. Essentially, get your head together and have a long, hard look at your options. Leave him in his filth. Could you stay with mum?

Not your fault. Hope you get sorted somehow.

If he has AL he can get off his arse to look after his child and wash some pots.

He's now on his way home- joy
Thank you all do much for your support and advice today, you've made me feel less like a failure, thank you

maybe the links on this thread will help you too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1514011-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-abusive-relationships-number-10

I do hope so. You must feel in quite a turmoil, scented. I'm afraid he won't see he's being ridiculous, and will likely consider everything that is wrong to be your fault whatever you say. Brace yourself..... :(

Can you post just to let people know you're ok op? Bit concerned for you. UnMNtty

Actually housework isn't very important. As long as there are not rats running all over the place, nasty smells, nothing to cook with or eat off etc, a bit of dust and clutter does not matter. And if it bothers him that much he can do his fucking share. You are NOT his domestic servant. If you are SAHP your 'job' is childcare, the domestic chores are the responsibility of both partners.

I would advise some women with lazy selfish housework-allergic partners just to keep repeating 'If it bothers you, do your share' but not in this case, because that will just give this man an excuse to attack you physically, for disobedience and insufficient grovelling - for 'not knowing your place'.
Bear in mind that a physically violent, aggressive, scary man can be removed from the family home by a couple of big plods and legally barred from returning. He does NOT have superpowers, he's NOT your owner, if he won't treat you with more respect, kindness and courtesy than this you can have him put out of the house and forbidden to return.

Good morning everyone, just wanted to update-
We talked last night, he did admit that his violence was wrong, but the main chunk of the conversation was about how I shouldn't have goaded him and how I should know if he's that angry to leave him alone. Also, my housework was picked over, and while he said that I wasn't a failure, I wasn't doing my job properly.
I explained to him that he'd end up having DD look at him the same way I look at my dad, and that hit home. Not just an act, but I could tell that made my point better than keep telling him he had hurt me.
I'm going for a drink with my mum this evening to discuss what's happened.
Thank you all for your strength. Bollocks to nest if vipers, you helped make a horrible, lonely situation feel not so bad.

"that made my point better than keep telling him he had hurt me"

It's sad when the person who is supposed to love you doesn't care about enough not to hurt you. It means nothing whatsoever to say 'the violence was wrong' if he's still justifying that aggression by blaming you. Hope your mum is supportive. You are not in a good marriage.

it's a start anyway, hope he knows he's the one that should be on egg shells now you've opened your eyes a little bit. good luck love xx

I don't see a man on eggshells alienreflux... I see an arrogant, vicious tosser that is sticking to his story of blaming his wife for his behaviour. He's back in the family home, feet under the table & has carefully explained to her why she's completely in the wrong. His life carries on as if nothing happened. He's learned nothing from this.

Morning op. how are you feeling? It's the bit about him thinking you goaded him that concerns me the most, so much in fact.

He is effectively saying that you need to handle him in a certain way to avoid being assaulted. Does he have this chat with everyone in his life or just his wife? No, he doesn't go around shoving his boss, other shoppers etc up against door frames because he knows he won't get away with it and certainly wouldn't get away with telling them that he will assault them if they don't treat him a certain way.

He can handle his temper because he chooses to do so in every other situation. He is using his aggression to shut down conversation.

But I don't think I can suggest you trying to talk to him because he has categorically/explicitly told you that if he hurts you during a discussion it will be your fault. I could not talk to someone who told me that.