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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whether to call the police after violence?

106 replies

tzella · 30/08/2012 08:53

My bf of 4 months gave me two black eyes on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Slaps and I saw stars, punches on arms, legs and torso. He?s a big chap and if he?d have punched me in the face I?d probably be in hospital. He was drunk and the lights were on but no one was home. Terrifying, disgusting, unforgiveable behaviour and I?ve ignored all contact from him since. We?ve been up and down (4 months! I know I know) but not stopped (I didn?t stop) our relationship as we mostly seemed like each other a lot.

This is a simple case of calling 101 and getting him spoken to/arrested/whatever (I?m not sure what would happen), right? It should be but he?s in this country illegally and I am not sure I want to ruin his life. He?s not ruined mine. But I?m probably not the first woman he?s beaten up? He has told me he?s been drunk and got in fights at nightclubs before. What the hell does he think he?s doing? And is it up to me to put a stop to it? Does the potential punishment fit the crime?

Thoughts please? I am finding it impossible to make a decision. If I?m going to call 101 I should do it today, while the bruises are still up.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 08:57

"I am not sure I want to ruin his life"

If you prosecute, it'll be him that made the choice to ruin his life, not yours. We all need to protected from this man and, personally, I'd be very grateful if you started the ball rolling.

Catsmamma · 30/08/2012 09:01

and he is still your boyfriend why??

It is not up to you to protect him......please report this man.

I'd also say he has not ruined your life yet.....do you really want to go down this road with him?

polkadotsrock · 30/08/2012 09:04

Yes, report him now. Could u live with it if/when you hear of him doing this or worse to someone else?

flowerflo · 30/08/2012 09:05

Report him. You could be saving someone else's life

Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 09:06

No, he's not still my bf! We broke up on Friday then he called and I invited him over on Bank Holiday Monday. On Tuesday afternoon he knocked on my bloody door and I sent ONE text saying 'Go away or I'll call the police'. No contact on either side since Tuesday night.

'We all need to protected from this man' Sad I know Sad

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 09:07

What advice would you give to your sister or daughter.
Would you like him to go out with your best friend?
Why are you still dating him?

sugarice · 30/08/2012 09:07

Please report him.

Pagwatch · 30/08/2012 09:08

X-posted.

Personally I would like him to face some consequences for his choice to regularly drink and punch anyone he feels like hitting

Offred · 30/08/2012 09:11

Look at it this way, there are two separate problems; you know he is here illegally and you are complicit in this crime, why he is here would matter to me and would influence my decision whether or not to report him for this.

If he beat me up I would report him for the violence and if he was deported that would be his lookout. I wouldn't be protecting him from the consequences of his actions. He has inflicted serious violence on you and admits to being violent more than once. I don't know why you would be ruining his life by reporting him, potentially you could be saving the life of the next person he attacks - maybe you.

Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 09:12

Argh. Anyone know what might happen when I call 101?

OP posts:
Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 09:15

why he is here would matter to me and would influence my decision whether or not to report him for this

Do you know what, he is here for a 'better life' but he told me he got into violence-related trouble back home so that's the reason he left.

Sorry, I am smiling now. What a fucking mess and it's OBVIOUS what I should do but.... I'm scared of all the hassle of making this 'official' and I loved him and... oh ffs Grin I'm an idiot

OP posts:
Offred · 30/08/2012 09:16

Ohdearnigel posted on another thread: "Blackberry, you can call the police non-emergency number (101) and ask to log a domestic violence incident. You don't have to press charges, this is entirely your choice

NO NO NO. This is completely untrue.

OP, if you choose to report the incident to the police I can tell you what to expect. Some of the advice you've been given on here is totally misleading and if you chose to report you should go in with your eyes open as to what that phone call could set in motion. Someone suggested it up the thread and I thought I would post to advise you.

The police will attend your house and take a statement. They will arrest your DH . He will be taken to custody and interviewed. If he wholly admits hitting you and shows remorse/accepts full blame he may be cautioned if he is eligible. If not he will be charged to the nearest available court to enter a plea of guilty or not guilty and a trial to be fixed. He may be released or remanded in custody dependent on the perceived risk factors (reoffending, interfering with witnesses, flight). Bail conditions would usually be to live and sleep at another address, not to contact you save through a 3rd party regarding access to your children. Then you would be called to court to give evidence. If you refuse to give evidence you could be summonsed to force you to attend. You do NOT decide whether he is charged - it is the crown prosecution service's decision and you have absolutely no say at all. All through the process you will be supported by the investigating officer from a domestic violence unit, a witness care officer who is a specialist in the court process and an independant domestic violence advisor who will support you at court and can signpost you to specialist practical help. All these agencies can help you in real, practical ways.

In a nutshell that's the DV process once you pick up that phone to the police. There is no discretion for the officers that attend in the first instance. Your DH will be arrested if you make an allegation of assault because that is force policy the length and breadth of England and Wales. The fact that you were BFing at the time is a serious, aggravating factor. I don't want to put you off reporting, far from it but so many DV victims seem to think that they can just "log it" that their husband has beaten them up.

My background: 2 years as a 999 response officer dealing wtih 2 or 3 DV cases a week, 2 years on the front office at the police station taking DV reports in person and doing secondary investigating and the last 4 years spent as a DV and sexual violence specialist within a witness care unit supporting victims through the court process."

Offred · 30/08/2012 09:18

If it is that tzella and not that he is at risk of harm in his own country I would not worry about reporting him. He sounds like he is just a criminal on the run.

Offred · 30/08/2012 09:19

Some of the factors don't apply and there is the complication of his immigration status but it gives you the idea.

SamosaYouWinSamosaYouLose · 30/08/2012 09:20

To echo what everyone else is saying, please call the police. They will have a clear procedure to deal with type of abhorrent behaviour.

Do not consider for one instant the impact it may have on his life; he was 'willing' to assault you so he should be prepared to take the consequences. His immigration status is irrelevant.

Please report this disgusting man to stop him doing it again, to you or to others.

solidgoldbrass · 30/08/2012 09:22

Definitely report him. ANy negative consequences for him are his fault: he shouldn't beat people up if he doesn't want to be arrested.

Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 09:24

Offredd and all Thank you. That quoted post sounds really heavy but if that's they way it's got to be...

I'm working from home today and have dentist appointment in an hour. I am not going in to work after as I did so yesterday and found re-applying foundation to my bruises and worrying that someone might say something really rather stressful. My male boss is a good friend and knows all about it and is supportive.

I'll have a think and come back later. Thank you.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 09:24

You're not an idiot but it is daunting to call the police about violence because there's always the fear of reprisals. Maybe you'd just like to keep the door shut and hope he goes away? I'd suggest you get some real life support, talk it through with someone you respect, and then make the call. If he is deported as a result, then that solves several problems in one go. Good luck

Offred · 30/08/2012 09:32

I think it is heavy but I think it is also a very serious thing. He hasn't known you that long, he has a long history of violence and of evading the law - he is a violent criminal who is confident in his ability to evade the consequences of his violence. That makes him very dangerous.

Secret7 · 30/08/2012 09:34

I think you know the answer.

You wouldn't have posted on here expecting someone to say don't ring the Police.

He wasn't concerned about your life when he knocked you around.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 09:50

BTW... go to work with your bruises, don't apply foundation and tell everyone you've been assaulted. Hold your head high. There's no shame in being the victim of a vicious criminal and they will be on your side.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/08/2012 10:00

My thoughts for what its worth are this.

if he is as dangerous as you think and say, I personally wouldnt call the police, for the following reasons.

I wouldnt want reprisals, being stalked more trouble more violence, standing in court for him to get a slap on the wrist, doing a bunk, if he gets deported he will be back with the 3grand they will probably give him to go. Our court system at the moment is crap and he might get a couple of months, then out then pissed and come looking for you maybe.

I may get flamed I am against violence in the home, but I am looking at the bigger picture, of learning from this and thinking what did I miss with this guy, and might have been a lucky escape. Know I am not saying anything the op suffered can be or should be minimised, I am coming from the angle of healing from this, and hoping he never crosses her path again.

I am torn also because he shouldnt be allowed to do it to another, but to what possible future cost of the op, if he retaliates.

al the best op I hope you have a swift recovery from this thug. x

mcmooncup · 30/08/2012 10:01

It's really daunting, frightening and intimidating to call the police. The consequences for you are a fear of coming after you because "you ruined his life" and maybe not being believed.

But thankfully that fear is unfounded because he will probably be deported so can't come after you or worst case he will be given conditions that he cannot come anywhere near you and you have physical injuries so it is there in black and white and will be believed. You deserve to have some retribution on this. You don't deserve to let him get away with it, he's hurt you, injured you, frightened you and intimidated you and that is against the law. Brace yourself, take a deep breath and just dial the number. The rest will take care of itself. HE is the one who is ruining his life (but in doing so trying to ruin others and needs stopping). You can do it Smile

mcmooncup · 30/08/2012 10:02

Guilty - do have have any experience of the police treating assaults like you describe?

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/08/2012 10:12

Hi Moon

Yes hun, my ex..I know how it might come across in the post, I am not supporting him getting away with it, but I am thinking of the bigger possible consequences to the op, I took a chance on giving my immediate thoughts, its such a hard thing to assess what to do in these circumstances, only the op will know how strong she is, and how she wants to deal with this.

I suppose I came from the keeping my head down approach, it's been kind of ingrained in me over a very long time.

Sorry for any offence to anyone.