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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whether to call the police after violence?

106 replies

tzella · 30/08/2012 08:53

My bf of 4 months gave me two black eyes on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Slaps and I saw stars, punches on arms, legs and torso. He?s a big chap and if he?d have punched me in the face I?d probably be in hospital. He was drunk and the lights were on but no one was home. Terrifying, disgusting, unforgiveable behaviour and I?ve ignored all contact from him since. We?ve been up and down (4 months! I know I know) but not stopped (I didn?t stop) our relationship as we mostly seemed like each other a lot.

This is a simple case of calling 101 and getting him spoken to/arrested/whatever (I?m not sure what would happen), right? It should be but he?s in this country illegally and I am not sure I want to ruin his life. He?s not ruined mine. But I?m probably not the first woman he?s beaten up? He has told me he?s been drunk and got in fights at nightclubs before. What the hell does he think he?s doing? And is it up to me to put a stop to it? Does the potential punishment fit the crime?

Thoughts please? I am finding it impossible to make a decision. If I?m going to call 101 I should do it today, while the bruises are still up.

OP posts:
joblot · 30/08/2012 10:14

He is a violent abusive person. His immigration status is irrelevant. He needs to face the consequences of being violent.

Please report him now. He is likely to escalate it if he keeps getting away with it. And its a criminal offence, he's not. above the law

mcmooncup · 30/08/2012 10:16

It's not offensive guilty. It's just worrying. I know the system is not perfect ( I had a policeman saying "well you know, it's a separation, emotions are running high ) but it still doesn't mean that someone should not try and do the right thing.

And people who have been attacked deserve to have justice. And should not feel they need to keep their head down and just get on with it Sad

mcmooncup · 30/08/2012 10:17

I wasn't having a go in any way guilty - I am sorry you did not get the justice you deserved Sad

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 10:18

If this man hadn't been in a relationship with the OP but was just a neighbour or a work colleague or similar, there would be no debate about reporting such a vicious assault.

mcmooncup · 30/08/2012 10:21

But there are no emotions involved with neighbours /strangers and no build up of intimidation in that scenario.

It is a really hard thing to do to call the police. We cannot deny it. It helps OP if you can try and separate your emotions (fear, upset, stupidness) from the fact of the situation (he assaulted you) by using the situation cogito described above.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/08/2012 10:22

No offence taken moon, I was trying to clarify an opinion that is quite left field and probably selfish, because it doesnt take in to account anyone else he might assault, but sometimes you have to think about yourself and your own safety. I suppose op you could just ask for advice about pressing charges, and ask how they think it might go for him??

scurryfunge · 30/08/2012 10:23

Guilty I think you are right to be cautious about whether the justice system can protect women who experience DV but there is no chance of any protection if incidents are not reported at all.

porcamiseria · 30/08/2012 10:25

sweet jesus

he is an illegal? call the police and get him fucking booted out

get well soon

CALL THE POLICE

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/08/2012 10:25

Thats very true scurry, it think it occured to me more when the op wrote , that he is basicly a seasoned criminal and used to avoiding the law, that was what caused me to think the way I did, it was the fight or flight scenario option.

AndieMatrix · 30/08/2012 10:29

I wished I'd reported my exH. I knew if I did he'd be "gate arrested" once he was released here as he had skipped bail in Ireland and I'd have been free of him then. I didn't, I let it go as a one off, now I have a hideous scar on my hand from a further attack (which I still lie about) and I ended up in a women's refuge.
Report him, get him deported, hope he's wanted for something in his home country and that he'll then be out if your hair (and every other innocent woman's) for a very long time.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/08/2012 10:30

"But there are no emotions involved with neighbours /strangers and no build up of intimidation in that scenario"

It may not contain the same emotion but a neighbour or a work colleague (and I deliberately chose those rather than a stranger) knows where you live and could just as easily enact a reprisal as a partner. Few would say not to report them.

cestlavielife · 30/08/2012 11:05

report him. he assaulted you. show the bruises.

it is not your fault he is in country illegally.
his problem.

Lueji · 30/08/2012 12:01

Do report, but to really go anywhere you need evidence.
Have you been to the docs or A&E?
Go if the bruises still show.

foolonthehill · 30/08/2012 12:09

guilty I know where you are coming from...but not reporting him also risks that he will return and do the same or worse to her...as he will still be free and around her neighbourhood.

Op IMHO reporting him in this instance is more likely to protect YOU from further assault and that is your primary concern. The good knock on is that you will keep him away from others and hopefully he will spend a bit of time in prison in his own country....or a few relatives of the person he assaulted there will come and sort him out "unofficially".

worldgonecrazy · 30/08/2012 12:12

I know someone who was unknowingly living with an illegal (she isn't the brightest person in the world so just accepted his odd behaviour as normal).

When he became violent and hit one of her grown up daughters, she called the police. As soon as they realised he was her illegally he was immediately deported to his country of origin, no questions, no going to a holding centre, straight on a plane and never seen again.

It was only when the police and this woman started going through his papers that they found passports and driving licences with several identities, so who knows who he really was, could even have been a terrorist.

If he is violent and here illegally then he needs removing.

tallwivglasses · 30/08/2012 12:16

In a rush and just skimming, sorry, but just in case no-one has mentioned this before - take photos of your injuries NOW. You can decide what to do with them later. I do think you should go to the police though x

Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 13:59

I'm waiting for 101 to call me back to make an appointment Smile Got a pain in my neck and my mind is completely blank Confused

Guiltypleasure001 I understand what you are saying and thank you for your thoughts. I'm not scared it'll get worse. When I let myself think about this the thing that floats to the top is that I'll regret it if I don't do this. It's the Right Thing To Do, and that's important to me. Not that I'm a shining example/angel/any of that stuff but... I want to live my life 'properly' and without regrets. For things done or not done. There's an answer to most questions somewhere and calling the cops is the answer to this, for me and lots of others.

I was with him because I wanted to give something potentially amazing a good go... Even thought I wasn't sure about it and him I didn't want to regret not trying. I'd have had to say "Sorry, can't see you anymore" after our 5th date for a reason I couldn't quite put my finger on and I'm 38 and felt verrrry slightly desperate Blush

AndieMatrix Sorry things turned out badly for you Sad All we can do is learn from this shit, I suppose.

worldgonecrazy Ah, thanks for that. I felt super shitty about him ending up in Yarlswood or somewhere for a year but if they just deport him that's better, I think. Ugh.

Thanks to everyone

Ugh, why won't they call me back?! I want to go out and get drunk later. Need, I need to go out.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 30/08/2012 14:23

They haven't called but yet because they are busy and you called to non-urgent number.
Being beaten up by an illegal immigrant is a 999 matter. Call them.

Offred · 30/08/2012 14:37

I don't think it is a 999 matter Hmm 999 is for an emergency. This isn't an emergency that's also why it is taking a while.

Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 14:51

Oh, I only called at 12.30... Hmm feels longer as I'm just sitting here waiting.

He pinned me down and dropped my phone on my face and suggested I call the police... so I sneakily tried to, flicking it to mute first and he noticed and grabbed it and slung it away Sad That's when the fight or flight thing kicked in. God, what a disaster.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 30/08/2012 14:51

You don't think it's an emergency? Would he have to kill her first?

AndieMatrix · 30/08/2012 14:53

If the event has already passed then the police won't see it as an emergency (sadly)
Hope they call you back soon Tzella

Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 14:55

It was an emergency on Monday/Tuesday, not now.

I hope they speak to me before they try to arrest him?

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 30/08/2012 14:59

They will call you. Photographing th bruises / injuries is a good idea. Don't feel sorry for him OP, wonder how many other women have suffered and how many more will.
He is ruining his life all on his own. Well done for being so strong.

QuietTiger · 30/08/2012 15:02

I used to be an immigration enforcement officer (Disclaimer: I haven't done the job for about 6 years, so certain protocols may have changed. This is certainly what would have happened when I was in the job)

If he is arrested by the police (which he will be in a DV incident), the minute the police find out he is illegal, they will call UKBA. Depending on his nationality and whether he is already on the system, will depend on what then happens. This is what "should" happen. (It may not for whatever reason).

  1. If he has a passport and doesn't claim asylum or is not an asylum seeker, he will be put on pretty much the next plane back to his country of origin. (I know this happens - I've done it on more than one occasion). They won't pay him to go, they will get rid. They will also do their best to detain (under UKBA rules) so that he doesn't bugger off.

  2. If he claims asylum, (as I suspect he will) he'll either be detained and fast tracked (depending on whether he has a passport, his nationality etc) and thrown out, or he will be required to comply with reporting conditions.

If he is arrested, he may well decide to go home to avoid being prosecuted. Both the police and the UKBA will try to encourage this as it's another "cleared up" statistic.

Either way, call the police NOW and get the bastard out of your life for good. The minute he is carted away, it will be for the authorities to deal with him. You are not "ruining his life", you are getting rid of a scumbag cunt.

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