Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Whether to call the police after violence?

106 replies

tzella · 30/08/2012 08:53

My bf of 4 months gave me two black eyes on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Slaps and I saw stars, punches on arms, legs and torso. He?s a big chap and if he?d have punched me in the face I?d probably be in hospital. He was drunk and the lights were on but no one was home. Terrifying, disgusting, unforgiveable behaviour and I?ve ignored all contact from him since. We?ve been up and down (4 months! I know I know) but not stopped (I didn?t stop) our relationship as we mostly seemed like each other a lot.

This is a simple case of calling 101 and getting him spoken to/arrested/whatever (I?m not sure what would happen), right? It should be but he?s in this country illegally and I am not sure I want to ruin his life. He?s not ruined mine. But I?m probably not the first woman he?s beaten up? He has told me he?s been drunk and got in fights at nightclubs before. What the hell does he think he?s doing? And is it up to me to put a stop to it? Does the potential punishment fit the crime?

Thoughts please? I am finding it impossible to make a decision. If I?m going to call 101 I should do it today, while the bruises are still up.

OP posts:
Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 15:03

He is ruining his life all on his own

Totally true, thank you.

You know when something horrible happens and you want a big warm hug and the only person who can give you that hug is the person who did the horrible thing in the first place? God, I only feel upset when I think about how much I'll miss him! I need to be angry, don't I? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 15:11

QuietTiger Thanks for that. He doesn't have a passport in his own name, only a stolen and faked-up EU-country one which he bought on the continent to come here. I am not sure how the asylum system works but I don't imagine his home country counts as a place that people need asylum from - it's got a working government, is a democratic republic, UN membership etc.

I told 101 he's illegal and his real name and his fake name, his country of origin etc. They didn't ask me where he works, which is obvs where he'd be right now. ... will I get to talk to them before they try to arrest him as if they go to his home, he's not there, someone tells him the police have been.........?

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 30/08/2012 15:12

Yes! Stay angry until it's sorted! I'm sure you can find someone much better to give you that hug. Any friends you can talk to in RL? Don't be ashamed either, he did this and you have stood up to his behaviour by calling the police. Be proud of yourself.

delilahlilah · 30/08/2012 15:14

ok I was sure I posted.... but It's vanished! Call 101 and ask if you can add some details and explain your concerns?

cestlavielife · 30/08/2012 15:25

if you are not in immediate danger from him then they might not be rushing to track him down - being ni thier in tray doesnt mean they will rush out today/now to arret him.

you should not contact him. if he does contact you and you worried or he appears then call 999 as this will be an emergency.

if there is ever a next time (you or anyone you know) call police straightaway and go straight to a and e to get injuries recorded.

Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 15:26

Thanks deliliah - I just rang and gave them his work address. I'm in Category E for a response and I sense Category A is the highest Grin

Can't feel angry, just v tired and unsettled. Bah.

OP posts:
Dryjuice25 · 30/08/2012 15:46

Agreed on potential reprisals but would still tip off police about immigration status

Dryjuice25 · 30/08/2012 15:51

Oops should have read all posts

QuietTiger · 30/08/2012 16:28

Go to the police station and report him. Ask them to press charges. 101 is all very well and good, but the likely-hood is that it'll get lost in the system and fuck all will be done. Make a proper police report in person at the police station. They'll arrest him for assault and then the UKBA process will kick into play.

You have the strength to do this OP. :)

Original poster
tzella · 30/08/2012 16:34

I'll chase 101 tomorrow if they don't get back to me. I won't be ignored! Grin

I don't want to go to the police station Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
tzella · 31/08/2012 06:34

101 called me to make an appointment at 2330! I was in bed Hmm Agreed to 0800 visit. I suppose it's convenient as I really should go to work today.

I am completely up and down about what I'm doing but it's a bit late now. I do feel sorry for him but he shouldn't have done it and he'll do it again.

One eye bruise looks better and the other worse. Perhaps I shouldn't put make-up on if they want to take pics?

OP posts:
LilBlondePessimist · 31/08/2012 07:19

Glad you've got your appt, you shouldn't have been called at 23:30, but sometimes the POs forget that just because they operate 24hrs, doesn't mean civilians do!! You'll be told to remove all makeup before any photos are taken anyway - sometimes this is carried out by the officer, as unfortunately some people try to 'enhance' their injuries rather than hide them.

Try not to be intimidated by what's going to happen, as the dv officers should treat you with sensitivity and respect. Just take a deep breath and tell it like it is. You're doing the right thing and you will be believed.

And just for future reference, attending at the front bar is no more effective than calling the non emergency number, every contact is logged in exactly the same way. 999 is only for an ongoing, current incident, but do not hesitate to use it should he turn up at your house - your address will be flagged with emergency response as a matter of course.

Take care (unmumsnetty hug and x)

Original poster
tzella · 31/08/2012 07:38

Thanks for the hug!

I'm clean and dressed and back on the edge of the sofa, waiting for things to happen.

Got to remember that he knew exactly what he was doing; punches to body, slaps to face. Got a massive bruise on my shin fgs! Plus the "Go on, call the police". He's done this before Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
tzella · 31/08/2012 07:42

Male friend called last night, after a night out and slurring "You want me to get him 'sorted out'? Cuz I can arrange that" I laughed and said "What, you'll send the middle-aged 'boys' from the cricket club round?" What the hell is going on that he'd say think to say that, and think he meant it? Stepoing back and looking at this is nutty Grin

I know I don't seem like I need a load of support because I'm doing the right thing but... Oh I don't know Hmm I want to talk here because I'm not sure what to say to real life people.

OP posts:
Offred · 31/08/2012 07:43

We know you need support. Talk here, that is good! People need support whatever they do! X

HissyByName · 31/08/2012 07:46

Thinking of you, don't back out of this, you could be saving another womans life.

LilBlondePessimist · 31/08/2012 07:46

It can be easier to talk to random people on t'interweb than rl friends, as you can shut off your computer and never need to see/hear from said randoms again! :)

tribpot · 31/08/2012 07:50

You say what you said in the first line of your first post: "My bf of 4 months gave me two black eyes on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Slaps and I saw stars, punches on arms, legs and torso."

Hiding what he did from people in real life colludes with him in what he did. Domestic violence is just violence. You were attacked; if you'd been mugged you'd say you'd been mugged.

Hope the police appointment goes well. I guess they have to phone when they have a chance.

HissyByName · 31/08/2012 20:27

Just got back home, how was today love?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 31/08/2012 21:00

How did it all go? Hope you're ok. Thanks for reporting him, you're making us all safer. Brew

Original poster
tzella · 31/08/2012 21:48

Hi. Thanks for replying. A PC came this morning and I made a statement, went to work, felt great mostly.

He just turned up and I didn't answer the door then he called and I didn't answer and sent a text 'saying go away or I'll call the police' and he replied to say ok and I won't see him again and now I'm HEARTBROKEN and wailing :( going to be a massive cliche and drink too much and take a tramadol or two and wish this all away. Fucks SAKE

OP posts:
Viking1 · 31/08/2012 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tzella · 31/08/2012 21:54

I want to send him a text saying 'I love you and I'm sorry' (because it's true and it's BURSTING out of me) and he won't know why I'm sorry til hes sat in a cell.

...

Might be having a mad spell, sorry

OP posts:
tribpot · 31/08/2012 22:01

I'm sorry he gave you two black eyes.

fridakahlo · 31/08/2012 22:14

Don't contact him, he is really not worth the time it would take you to type the message .