Whether to call the police after violence?

[tzella]

My bf of 4 months gave me two black eyes on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Slaps and I saw stars, punches on arms, legs and torso. He?s a big chap and if he?d have punched me in the face I?d probably be in hospital. He was drunk and the lights were on but no one was home. Terrifying, disgusting, unforgiveable behaviour and I?ve ignored all contact from him since. We?ve been up and down (4 months! I know I know) but not stopped (I didn?t stop) our relationship as we mostly seemed like each other a lot.

This is a simple case of calling 101 and getting him spoken to/arrested/whatever (I?m not sure what would happen), right? It should be but he?s in this country illegally and I am not sure I want to ruin his life. He?s not ruined mine. But I?m probably not the first woman he?s beaten up? He has told me he?s been drunk and got in fights at nightclubs before. What the hell does he think he?s doing? And is it up to me to put a stop to it? Does the potential punishment fit the crime?

Thoughts please? I am finding it impossible to make a decision. If I?m going to call 101 I should do it today, while the bruises are still up.

But I?m probably not the first woman he?s beaten up and if he's not stopped, you won't be the last.

I suspect you know very little about this man and it may be that you'll find out more about him after the police have run his prints details through the system.

The bottom line is that this man is an illegal immigrant and if he's willing to further flout UK law by beating up a woman, he deserves everything that's coming to him... or did you not tell the police about his immigration status?

Text someone else - a friend. Arrange something fun for tomorrow. Distraction is the cure x

She did, Izzy.

Hello, I had to come on to say well done for ringing 101 and that you had to do it really, and you did, and well done.

Was this the first incident or was there a run up to it?

I know its really hard when you still love the guy and it is tempting to brush it all under the carpet. But this was quite a nasty assault (I work in DV) and you mustn't ignore it.

He started the process, the ramifications are his doing, not yours.

As to what to do now, its best to have no contact at all. You have told him you don't want him there, so now its about will he harrass you.

If he is to be arrested, will he be bailed and what will you do if he turns up?

So -

Take extra care for the next while.
Do not respond to his contact attempts at all.
Do not let him if he attends your home.
If he does attend, and won't go away, call 999.
Get into a locked room if he starts to kick the door it.
Have your phone to hand if he comes round or if you go out.
Watch your routine - does he know where you go regularly?
Have friends on standby, one serious friend you can rely on in case you need her for anything.
Get someone to talk to, pay if you have to.
Go to your GP and tell her about it. Get checked out. Get someone to look at your injuries. You deserve that.
Don't act like it was nothing and will go away. Talk about it as often as you need to.

Is there stuff of his at your place? If so I'd get it bagged asap in case you have to give it to the Police. Don't give it to him.

I really wouldn't recommend meeting up for a final goodbye or anything. It may weaken your resolve, he may trap you and assault you again, it may be painful for you.

A physical assault of this level so early on is a bad sign - a sign of physical danger and you do not want any head injuries or scars or anything awful to remember. The shock and infatuation of only 4 months will fade.

Get a cuddle off someone or thing xx

Well done and sorry xx and take good care.

Oh, thank you all. I want to say more but I'm tired and on my phone and I dent want to get into it now as I don't want to go to bed crying. I know I'll get over it, and knowing that is making me wonder about my boundaries (or something) and letting stuff and people in... That's for another day!

Somethingtosay I had to skim your post as its an especially good one and I can't take it in properly now but I will tomorrow. Thank you :)

I'm going to confess that he did yell me about violence in his past . Men, not women, not that it's any better. But it's hard to dump someone when there's only one or two red flags visible, isn't it?

This is probably v long now! Thanks and goodnight all x

Look, you don't love him. You've known him four months - you knew he was an illegal immigrant, you knew he was previously violent and now he's been violent towards you.

I think you should have counselling. You are confusing need with love. You say you want his arms around you as though you've been together years. It's four months, ffs. You didn't know him well. You thought you loved him. You didn't. You loved the feeling you had when you were with him, maybe. You loved knowing you had a boyfriend. You didn't love this violent scumbag. You didn't let yourself think about his true nature - now that it's been shoved in your face, face up to the fact you were under an illusion.

I am very sorry for you, btw. It must have been terrifying. But now this complete and utter stranger has attacked you, you are clearly doing the right thing by telling the police. If you warn him now, you are culpable if he does the same to another woman in the UK. I know that sounds hard, but if you contact him now, you are giving him the chance to be violent with another woman here.

Hmm. Think it's a tad harsh to say I need counselling... It's hard to go from 'being in a relationship' (whether it's 4 months or more) to having to stop all feeling and desire for someone. Though I think you're on the right track re: not loving him though. I didn't. I liked him a lot. Even though I suspected he was a thug :facepalm:

A mantra for getting over this had finally risen to the top of my subconcious; I have zero tolerance for getting beaten up I have zero tolerance for getting beaten up I have zero tolerance for getting beaten up I have zero tolerance for getting beaten up I have zero tolerance for getting beaten up

ANYWAY. Police just called. I'm furious - they went to arrest him at his home and asked for his Real Name when I told them he lives and works under the false one! So, of course, no one knew who he was. If I did know him at all I know that he sleeps and sleeps and sleeps on Saturdays because his job is physically demanding so would have been in bed and nicely vulnerable to having burly coppers snapping cuffs on him. Oh ffs ffs ffs. The WPC I just spoke to was bossy and wet and arse-covering about this error they've made. She's going to double-check the original call to 101 and call me back.

He lives in a big house full of people and someone will mention the police came around looking for someone and so now he'll know I reported him

If he does appear, ring 999 at once and say he's threatening you and you are in fear for your life.

It was a DC, not a PC . She rang back and admitted they'd made a mistake but would re-attend.

Now I have to get out of my jammies and down to A&E to get my injuries documented. I wanted to mooch about the house and garden all day where I don't have to look over my shoulder

I've not contacted him - just sent two texts when he was outside, both saying 'go away or I'll call the police'. Next time I'm going to have to call them, aren't I? Ffs

Hi Tzella. So sorry to hear what has happened to you.

Last December I did what you did and reported an assault on me by exh. The arrest, like in your case, was a total shambles. First they couldnt find his house even though I had given them the correct address, and then when they found him at work they didnt take him in to the police station as he was busy doing something "important" ffs! They told him to attend the police station the next evening! . 36 hours to come up with a few good lies, and collaborate a story with the OW who witnessed it. Like you I was horrified.

However, fast forward with a lot of crap in between and he was found guilty of assaulting me a couple of months ago. All I can say is have faith. It does work out in the end. It is all horrible but it is better to do the right thing like you have. An ex policeman said to me that you become part of a "process" and as uncomfortable and poorly managed as it seems to be it seems to work much of the time. Conviction rates have gone right up in the past few years etc.

Not sure how to link to my old thread but my name was Springaroundthecorner then and it was titled Domestic Violence - done the right thing, now what?

Forgot to say, that was a brilliantly informative post by Offred at the the start of this thread.

Thank you Spring Sorry this happened to you. Sounds like you got a good outcome and that you've been able to move forward

I spent 1.5 hours in A&E and got an assault report saying 'multiple punch injuries' which I hope was the correct result. While I was waiting his cousin rang, sounding very jolly, and I hung up. Half of me hopes (why on earth) he was going to plead his case for forgiveness and the other half supposes they were testing the water re: police/whatever. I know that's nudged right up into harassment territory and I'll update the DC tomorrow, I suppose.

Feeling wobbly yet blank. He terrified me, slapped me, wiped away my tears and fucking snogged me then he hit me again but I hate the thought of never seeing him again

edit: and i hope that you've been able to move forward

And clarification: DC as in Detective Constable, not Darling Children!!

tzella - you do need some sort of counselling to help you find a good relationship.

The fact that you can recount He terrified me, slapped me, wiped away my tears and fucking snogged me then he hit me again but I hate the thought of never seeing him again is not healthy.

I hope you never see him again and have time to distance yourself

It happened 4 days ago! I'm wobbling, not in need of counselling!

I've seen plenty of posts on here about how hard it is to switch off feelings after worse shit than this happens.

Yes, I have definitely moved forward and looking back I know it is one of the best decisions I have every made in my life. My situation is very different to yours in that I was married for 27 years, and had all the complexities of the DC's etc but of course once you have reported an assault the process is exactly the same.

I wont pretend it isnt enormous hassle. It also takes a very long time to get to the end of the process. At a time when all you want to do is move on, you will have to relive it all and devote energy to it. You will at times think "Why did I bother? I have made things worse for myself". Fight those feelings because they are not true. You have protected yourself, you have protected other women and you have done the right thing. Keep telling yourself that.

Only you will know if you need help to get to the other side of this. Talk about it as much as you can. I am a great believer in counselling but if you dont feel that it is for you there is no point in going reluctantly. What I can tell you is that I found that some people will NOT want to hear about it. It shocked me and continues to do so. I have one person who told me on hearing about the separation that she was totally on my side even though she had to retain a relationship professionally with my ex etc. When I told her the case was going to court her response was "oh, we will be on holiday then"??!! I have never heard from her since and that was 4 months ago!!

You sound really strong. Remain so. Dont have any further contact with him. He will do it again. I am sure you know that. Good luck.

Counselling isn't some kind of punishment! This is what counselling is for this kind of stuff. What have you got against it?

I don't have anything against counselling. I know myself well enough, I think, to know that its very soon after the event and that a bit of time to settle will show if/how this has affected me. I'm certainly bearing it in mind for the future.

I'm aware I'm talking crap; I love him, I want him, I'm calling the cops, arms, hugs, thugs blah blah. Getting beaten up is a bit confusing.

Updated DC about cousins call plus remembered he'd hit a wall or something so will have scabby knuckles. Emailed pics of me, him & his fake passport. They tried to arrest him again at 10pm last night at his home. Not sure they know 26yr olds v well iMO they should have waited til 8am on Monday when he'd be at work. He's had two warnings about police now and plenty of time to bolt. Not v thrilled but I suppose the 5-0 know what they're doing...

Thanks again Spring

Update

Nothing has happened And I've not heard from the police despite calling, leaving messages and emailing my investigating officer. Yesterday another officer told me she'd be in today at 8am so I just rang and no bloody answer. What the hell is going on??

I think that they cocked up arresting him (twice) and he's disappeared (left his house and job) and.... so.... that's it. It's over.

On one hand I'm glad (and I don't think he's an actual psycho and won't try to contact me but that hasn't stopped me looking over my shoulder, going the long way home and not wearing headphones in the dark) and on the other I am hugely pissed off at how the police have handled this. They are the DV unit! Why haven't they made any effort whatsoever to update me about the dangerous man who assaulted me? I understand they are busy, I understand that if nothing's happened there is nothing to tell me but for fuck's sake

Complain...

I suppose I'm going to have to. No contact whatsoever is surely not in their SLA [mad]

No, it will not be and you definitely need to complain. Stupid police!!!

Omg that is terrible incompetence!

Are they going to attempt to arrest him again? Is he still at his employers?

They must realise you are at risk ATM. They should be protecting you. Could you go to a women's aid refuge?

Tbh I wouldn't want to be leaving the house alone at all given his violent history. Is there anyone who could stay with you or who you could stay with?

Margery, I feel safe as I am pretty sure that if he was going to, uh, follow-up on the assault he'd have done so by now but I can't be confident of that, and neither can the police It's been a full week and nothing from him, as well as nothing from them.

Don't know for certain if he's left his employer but would be astonished if he hadn't, knowing (he must know) that there is an arrest warrant out. He's disappeared, I know it.